AIBU to be so bloody angry with people who tell me to adopt?

[ItsNotThatFuckingSimple]

NC for this, my very first AIBU.

So, a couple of weeks ago I found out I can't have children. The pain, grief, impact on DH (and our marriage) are all subjects for a different thread. The thing I'm focusing on today is how fucking furious it makes me when friends blithely say (upon hearing the news): "you can always adopt!". As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

AIBU for it to make me feel this way? And WIBU to tell the next person who says it to me what a fatuous and ignorant comment they have just made, and to suggest they never, ever say it to anyone else? DH thinks people are being well meaning; I think that part of meaning well is to think before you speak. And not just say the first thing that comes into your head because you're uncomfortable.

I think sometimes people are insensitive, especially if they have not been in your situation. They just can't comprehend. Referring to adoption is a way of saying ".... you can still have a family this is not the end of the road... " What very few people know is all the difficulty you have to face should you decide to adopt.
We were turned down by an adoption board for health reasons, we have a bio DC and wanted a sibling

People are dicks when something really difficult has happened. It’s very insensitive to your feelings OP, and pretty tactless.

Just as an aside, as an adopted person, reading “consolation prize” wasn’t very nice. I can appreciate it’s how it feels to you, but if you expect other people to consider your feelings then can you please do the same?

People don't want to acknowledge your hurt and just say any stupid thing to make themselves feel better.
It may not be possible to adopt, and if you wanted to you would have to wait, grieve your loss, it would be a very different experience.
Some people would not be good adopters though they may have been good natural parents.
Adoption can be a good outcome but it is not for everyone.
I think it the people who make the comment that think children are prizes, as if you can take any child and it will be ok. Don't forget the children need a quality experience too, they also have lost a lot.
Sorry for your pain op. Be kind to yourself.

I think people just don't know what to say and, because they feel uncomfortable, come out with what they see as a positive suggestion.

When our first child was stillborn, I got all sorts of comments that I could have been really annoyed over (it obviously wasn't meant to be; you've an angel looking down now etc). However, I chose to look at the intent behind the comment and as it was generally well meant, I took the good intentions from it.

The only comment that I found really hurtful and nasty was the one from my sil who was struggling to conceive at the time. She informed me that now I knew how she felt every month when her period started. I didn't say anything to her as I knew she was struggling with her own issues but a bit of compassion from her wouldn't have gone astray.

Oh, and I never suggested she should consider adoption as it was none of my business.

Well meaning does not excuse thoughtless.

YANBU, OP, of course not.
And I am sorry that you have to deal with this news

It is of course true that when people don't know what to say, they often spurt something out before they've engaged their brain. Some of your anger that you direct at them is due to the fact that you are (rightly) angry at the hand that fate has dealt you and there is nobody else to shout at.

You need to let some time pass, you need to come to terms with the likelihood that you won't have biological children, you will need to grieve and heal - there will always be a scar, a regret, but hopefully with love and support you can make your peace with it.

THEN, and only then, can you even consider whether adoption might be an option for you. Whether you might be the special person who can provide a loving, stable, supportive home for a child who has noone else. And who might come with their own baggage to add to yours. So, while parenthood is never for the fainthearted, I do think that adoption is simple a whole different ball game and in no way comparable to shagging/conceiving/having a baby.

Look after yourself, very consciously really nurture yourself. This is a hard blow you have been dealt. Allow yourself time to recover

I did not read Op's use of 'consolation prize' as meaning an adoptive child is in some way 'less' than a biological one, but that the people who blithely tell her to 'oh well, you can always adopt' see it as such.

You should counter with ‘why didn’t you adopt rather than knock yourself / your partner up?’ and let the shit hit the fan so you can kick it in their faces.

I think for some it is a consolation prize of sorts - it’s not what they want.

This doesn’t make it true for everybody.

I also do think that adoption is an option going forward for a couple/person that can’t have children

It’s an option for people who can have biological children too...

Yanbu.

That would make me really angry too.

Many people just aren't used to sitting with another person's grief, and end up saying really unhelpful stuff.

OP I am so sorry you are facing this pain

I think for some it is a consolation prize of sorts - it’s not what they want

They are the last people who should be adopting then. It’s not a game, it’s a child’s life.

YANBU

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

As others say, people probably say it because they don't know what to say. This explains their behaviour, but doesn't excuse it. In fact, there seem to be so many examples of people saying thoughtless things (such as when someone is bereaved). It seems people want solutions. Very few people seem able or prepared to just accept someone's grief and comfort them. They just want to make suggestions. I guess it comes from a good place, in that they are trying to cheer you up, but I am astonished at how people don't realise that often they are achieving the very opposite.

Well exactly unicorns

If I couldn’t have biological children, I wouldn’t want to adopt, so being told I could wouldn’t be any comfort.

pinkbobbles agree completely.

Yes people are well meaning but they also need to think things through because common sense would tell you that certain things aren't tactful to say.

I'm really sorry that you've got this news and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. You're going to go through a stage of grieving for the biological children you will likely never have. That's perfectly normal behaviour and I imagine most people who just found out they can't conceive wouldn't say "oh well thanks for letting me know - we will be off to sign up for adoption then, cheerio". Be gentle to yourself and take time for you and your husband to talk through your feelings and what you want to do now. Not everyone wants to adopt - if I couldn't have had my own children I'm not sure if I would have adopted or just chosen to not have children which is also a completely valid choice. I'm not anti adoption either - my mum was adopted and my grandparents are amazing. I can't think of a life where they weren't my mums parents so I know adoption can be a huge blessing. However, there are also others who don't see themselves raising children who aren't biologically theirs and that's fine too.

Try to not let people get to you too much - I know it's hard but you do just have to tell yourself that their hearts in the right place even if their brain isn't. We lost a little girl between our 4th and 5th children and I got unbelievably tactless comments. People said oh well you're still young so you can have another. Yes I could but it wouldn't take my little girls place - children aren't replaceable and you'll never stop missing that child. At least you didn't get her for a few years and then lose her. Well I don't put a timescale on when it's best to lose your baby. Yes I didn't get a few years with her and lose her but that's the hardest thing - I never got to see her first smile or her first words. I was robbed of that and you're presenting it to me as something I should be grateful for. One that I got a lot was "at least you've already got four children so you should be grateful for what you have and not dwell on it". I would just ask them which of their 2/3/4 children they would be happy to let die because they've already got others. I know (for the most part) people didn't set out to hurt me (with the exception of one comment of "oh you weren't pregnant again, thank goodness you lost it") - they just didn't know what to say. They hadn't been through such an awful experience of delivering a silent baby so they couldn't understand how I was feeling. This is the same for you - most of these people will never feel the way you are and so they don't know what's right or wrong to say. You have to try to look at it that at least they are trying to say something helpful regardless of if it is or not. The best thing I heard after losing my daughter was "I can't imagine what you're going through, there is nothing I can say to make it better but I love you and I'm here for you when you need me". That's the best thing people can say but, as humans, we have this desperate need to try to make things better and often end up making it worse.

I'm thinking of you and I hope you are able to discuss it all with your husband and find the best way forward for you. Xx

Elderflower, shut up

Sorry to hear about your infertility but you've just written something incredibly rude and offensive about adoption.

As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

Presumably you didn't mean it to offend people but it has. My Mum was adopted, she was not a 'consolation prize'!! She was chosen and had a lovely upbringing.

Don't lash out at others just because you're in pain.

People are just trying to be helpful by pointing out that there are other options to consider. If you can't handle the answers then probably best not to discuss your infertility with others.

OP has made it clear in subsequent posts that she doesn't view adopted children as a "consolation prize", she is upset with those flippantly suggesting adoption to her for making adopted children sound like a consolation prize.

Absolutely. Adoption should never be the consolation prize.

I also can’t have kids and I get very frustrated with that attitude. You have to want to adopt. It should never be second choice.

As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

Please don't think of adopting OP.

After adopting my children I can't think of anything more derogatory than that one line....

What makes you think that any child you produce would be superior to another?? FFS!!

And I agree it’s not a consolation prize at all. But that’s how it is phrased by other people.

I think this os one thread where people should really RTFT before commenting.

Sorry you're going through this testing time OP.

When you're hopefully in a more reflective mood, can I direct you to Hugh Jackson and Deborra-Lee Furness's story. I'll now duck for cover. Best wishes.

RTFT Isla, that’s not what she’s saying.

I’ve had that from people too as if it’s some sort of back up plan. Adoption isn’t and shouldn’t be a back up plan or next best thing. It shouldn’t be seen as “well you can’t have your own so you might as well adopt”. That attitude is common, but Ill thought out - it’s not meant to be nasty or thoughtless. But as you can see, it is.

OP I’m so sorry for this devastating news.

And I totally get where you’re coming from. I think people just don’t know what to say, but they mean well.

Can you see how your comment about adoption being the “consolation prize” has been misinterpreted? I know you didn’t mean to criticise adoption in any way but people see things from their own perspective. I think this is what’s happening in your situation. Sounds like people in your life are just trying to find the words to give you some hope.

Sometimes people say the wrong thing whilst trying to say the right thing.

You have accidentally offended the feelings of some posters on this thread, I'm sure you didn't mean to do that.

Sometimes it is hard to find something positive to say when someone is sharing sad news, often people will say something they think may be comforting without really thinking it through.