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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To expect MIL to be able to look after my baby?

339 replies

NickMyLipple · 22/06/2018 22:31

14 week old has been sleeping over at grandma's house every other Friday night for several weeks now. Today when we dropped DD she was a bit snuffly and dribbly and I wondered if she might be starting teething though she's a bit young... maybe she's just under the weather or got a little cold?

Anyway, AIBU to expect MIL to be able to deal with her even if she's a bit poorly and to call us if she is really stuck?

DP thinks I should call and make sure she is okay (his mum, that is!) But I think that's a bit condescending and she should be able to manage and will call us if she can't?

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 23/06/2018 00:10

FreyedHem I believe there is a book token and a certificate. That explains it.

Regingaphalange · 23/06/2018 00:13

I am going to say this one more time then I'm Out!!!

Just because you are Insecure and judgmental mothers does not make you better mothers!!!!

You don't leave your baby with Family?
I feel sorry for your family who would love to spend time with their family baby.
It's pathetic!!!!

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 23/06/2018 00:13

Martyr mothers are THE WORST! I always think they're secretly jealous and secretly know that they're not actually producing superior children despite their martyrdom Grin

pallisers · 23/06/2018 00:17

You started leaving your baby at ten weeks to have a break. Why bother having a baby at all

I was back at work when my babies were 12 weeks old. Maternity leave was 6 weeks where I lived. I'm still glad I bothered having a baby (most of the time that is but in fairness they are teens now)

As I posted previously the oddest thing about this post was that the baby's father expected the OP to check in with HIS mother about HIS baby - you might want to kick that one a bit OP.

TheCraicDealer · 23/06/2018 00:17

What a bizarre thread. I look after my eight month old DN every few weeks and have done since she was a few weeks old. She also stays with my DSis and I's parents regularly. Despite the fact that for the vast majority of those visits she has been sleeping, DN has a loving and close relationship with our extended family- when DSis and DBIL have needed to leave her overnight there's been no dramas, only one very happy and loved little girl.

My DSis adores her DD; leaving your baby with people you trust for, what, 14 or 16 hours is not some sort of indication of how much you love them. Some posters need to get over themselves.

mrsprefect · 23/06/2018 00:18

@Ohmydayslove I can't speak for the OP but I have the most outgoing, social, fun loving MIL in the universe. Yet she regularly offers up her Saturday evenings for two reasons - 1) she loves her grandson and enjoys spending time with him as much as she does socialising, and 2) she loves her son and wants him to be happy. Regular time spent with me makes her son happy. We all win in this situation, including DS.

I am at a loss as to why the OP should have turned down the offer of help from family because she 'signed up for it when she became a parent' ConfusedConfusedConfused

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 23/06/2018 00:19

its fine. and its fine for her to be away. God, these fussing precious Mnutters. You'd be surprised how many teenagers I know who haven't spent a night away from home, which is so damaging.

FrayedHem · 23/06/2018 00:22

NeepNeepNeep Ah a book token now is it. Wasn't in my day, but I suppose we are in the big ticket reward era now. I hope those that get the token only use it for books for their child and not a book for themselves. Could you imagine Shock they might do something they enjoy AND take their eyes off the baby Sad Shock Sad

Leobynature · 23/06/2018 00:24

You can probably won’t read this, I would have stopped reading by now with those comments.

I have left my DD with my mom on Saturday nights since she was born. She is now 5 months and mom has had her whilst she has been teething or had a temperature. My mom can handle it, she raised 4 kids. My mom loves my DD and would die for her without question or hesitation. This is my buisness only.

Don’t let anyone else ever make you feel guilty for your parenting choices. Witches

Aeroflotgirl · 23/06/2018 00:25

I know, silly abusive, neglectful mother's, who dare leave their child with living relatives, whilst they go shopping, or get a night's sleep. Dare they do something for themselves, once in a while. Bad mum's, their babies will be scared for life btthat.

Wallywobbles · 23/06/2018 00:26

In France maternity leave ends at 13 weeks. Babies are left with childminders for 12 hours a day. Not really different to overnight I think.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/06/2018 00:27

For the record, dd who used to be looked after by her godmother at times as a baby, is now a happy 11 year old who has a great bond with me. She has Asd and learning difficulties and lives her mum very much and I of course love her so much.

Pebblespony · 23/06/2018 00:27

According to this thread, you should have the baby attached to you at all times including on the toilet and in the shower. If you are starting to relax or enjoy yourself, give yourself a good talking to. Motherhood is hard otherwise you are doing it wrong. I recommend sackcloth and ashes. You can have a night off when they go to university.

TheLovelyOtherDinosaur · 23/06/2018 00:28

My mum and Dad have looked after our baby every Friday night since approx 3 weeks old.
They love having him. We both love a night away to refresh and regroup- ready for the week ahead. It’s good for our relationship too.
If available and doable, why wouldn’t someone take this up from their most loving and trusted family? Each to their own though.
My mum is amazing and I trust her implicitly-plus my dad is there to help- they both raised twins so can handle one baby!
We live 2 mins down the road and so my mum wouldn’t hesitate to call if needed and I’d be round like a shot.
Luckily our baby sleeps through and has done since 8 weeks old. Now they request to have him anyway. He loves it and knows them so well. I can already see the strong bond that they have.
I don’t see what the problem is- so many cultures raise their children in a community- surely a night with a grandparent is a lovely thing.

Myotherusernameisbest · 23/06/2018 00:29

Jeez it's once a fortnight. Baby isn't on its own hes safely being cared for by his granny.

I don't get some of these reactions. I had to return to work 2 weeks after dd birth. She is now a very well adjusted, bright, funny, completely lovely teen and we are very close indeed. Should I not have bothered having her then if I couldn't be a sahm on hand 24/7 for the first 24 months?

Op I think it's great you have an mil who does this and it gives you much needed couple time once a fortnight. YANBU to not phone her. She'll phone you if there's a problem I'm sure.

NeepNeepNeep · 23/06/2018 00:33

FreyedHem A mother enjoying herself?! Preposterous. There is an even better gold level certificate but it's really only for the very best mummies. The ones who set up a camp bed in the honeymoon suite because they know what they signed up for !

Celticrose · 23/06/2018 00:35

Op you are DNBU and those posters who are saying that you are need to catch themselves on as we say here in Norn Iron

NeepNeepNeep · 23/06/2018 00:36

Pebblespony is not going to get the gold level certificate with talk like that. A night off when they go to university?! Talk about neglectful. That's when you invest in the parental camp bed for the student halls. You know what you signed up for!

Cornishclio · 23/06/2018 00:40

Some OTT responses on here. We looked after our DGD1 one night a fortnight from just a few weeks old alternating with my DDs PIL as she was a bad sleeper and it gave my DD and SIL a night a week to get some sleep. Sleep deprivation is awful and letting family help is not a crime if all parties are ok with it. The baby benefits with bonding with GPS and helps keep parents sane. They haven't done it with their DD2 who is 9 weeks old as she is a better sleeper.

Some quite honestly ridiculous comments and very nasty responses to a poster.

Redrunbluerun · 23/06/2018 00:47

I love these threads... when the ‘my child is 4 and I’ve never spent a night away from them’ brigade all come out.

It’s not healthy, for either party. What about your relationship with your spouse? When does that come first?
It takes a village and all... let family help!
I went away to New York for 4 nights with DH when my eldest was 15 months, and it was wonderful. My in laws loved the opportunity to be with him one on one.
My relationship with DH is great because we haven’t lost ourselves to our kids.
If the Op wants a bloody break every now and then let her!
It’s all over the media we should support good mental health. Well occasionally as a mum you need to put yourself first... put on your own mask before helping others etc. Give the op a break!

waterlego6064 · 23/06/2018 00:47

Woah, really shocked at some of these responses!

Neither of my DCs stayed overnight with grandparents until they were well over a year; I wouldn’t have wanted them to stay away before then, and besides both were breastfeeding for quite some time and wouldn’t take bottles so it wouldn’t have been possible. And no, especially not with a cold.

However, there is some serious overreaction here. The OP is not leaving her child unattended in a crack den so maybe calm down a bit.

Cornishclio · 23/06/2018 00:50

MrsDeltaB
You signed up when you got pregnant, you should run the course.

Since when was parenting an endurance course? Seriously calm down.

Redrunbluerun · 23/06/2018 00:51

This thread has highlighted how downhill mums net has gone. A baby’s grandma looks after it every now and again and the Op gets a lynching. I remember when mumsnet was a supportive place, it’s really sad to see.

FrayedHem · 23/06/2018 00:52

Ah that sounds familiar NeepNeepNeep. Is extended co-sleeping no longer recommended? I must be terribly out of date. Such as getting a bed a bit like the one in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that the grandparents all share but with your adult child and their spouse too?

Angharad07 · 23/06/2018 00:56

Jeez, the critical mothers on this thread are increasing my terror of being a first time mum. So many things that seem perfectly normal are apparently a crime in the whole mother-baby world...