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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 21:43

Who the fuck minimises incest to ‘daddy issues’??

Hannabee123 · 22/06/2018 21:45

I was with someone 20 years older, he was abusive.
It didn't last long but enough to cause damage.

I think it's not really your place to say anything unless she does seem vulnerable and taken advantage of. It's tough because the more people said stuff to me the more I isolated myself from them and carried on. Best you can do is just treat her like you would anyone else and see how it goes

TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 21:46

OP - this is not the right place for this thread, you need to ask it to be moved to Relationships.

I wondered there are so many unintelligent replies and then I twigged this is AIBU.

GabsAlot · 22/06/2018 21:46

it was not his place to tell you her past how rotten of him

id stop seeing him really regardles off godparent status is this man the person you want your kids to be with

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/06/2018 21:46

Just be really really kind to her

Ew though

Emmafh3 · 22/06/2018 21:49

My partner is 30years older than me. Met me when I was 22. And has a daughter older than me we have no problems now we all know each other.
Like some have said, a lot of 18 years olds have a good head on their shoulders.... Others have not. But if he likes her and he is a good guy, there must be something about her right?
Go around as per and don't teat her like your child or some fling

Hannabee123 · 22/06/2018 21:50

Change plans and not have them over if it will make you uncomfortable. Come up with an excuse. Say you have the shits.. works every time

YearOfYouRemember · 22/06/2018 21:51

"In some cases, by no means all"

"You really think she’s over childhood sexual abuse/incest by the time she’s 18?"

No, and in no way did I say or imply that.

TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 21:53

No, and in no way did I say or imply that.

So you agree she’s not that likely to be completely over it?

Feckitall · 22/06/2018 21:53

I was 18 and DH was 35 when we met...
I was a naïve, young 19...he was a 'young' 36...when we started seening each other as a couple....we are still together...the dynamics have changed as we have aged but the age gap has never really been an issue...we have had ups and downs...nearly split..but stuck it out..just had our 25th wedding anniversary

NotTakenUsername · 22/06/2018 21:53

How dare you discuss her past like this?! It's fuckall to do with you

Well quite. However, op would be unable to discuss her past if the man in question had any discretion or integrity.

gillybeanz · 22/06/2018 21:54

I'd choose your 'good" friends a bit better next time, especially if you ask them to be a Godfather to your children.
It's obvious that you don't agree with this, your dh has made his position clear, so why is he still a good friend?
There will be people who accept them and those that don't.
I'm pretty sure the don'ts have moved on and aren't inviting the couple to barbecues. Confused

Marriedwithchildren5 · 22/06/2018 21:54

If you did break up with your partner would youlikely be interested in an 18 year old?
God no! I like older men obviously! Grin

donquixotedelamancha
First time ever I've been cross reading a post. You calmed me down. Smile

InfiniteSheldon · 22/06/2018 21:58

We had a friend do this and honestly it was bloody awful, embarrassing in restaurants and pubs as she was mistaken for our daughter/his daughter and more importantly it was like talking to a child tortuous conversations between us whilst him and my dh chatted. It was cringy watching the imbalance between them not fun on a night out! He got unquestioning admiration from a girl too young to question anything and we stopped seeing him/them.

FaithEverPresent · 22/06/2018 21:59

I’ve known a couple of relationships like this. No abuse (as far as I was aware) but both young women were naïve, had difficult relationships with their parents and turned to older men who could (seemingly) give them affection they did not get from their parents. One only lasted a short time before he became very jealous, possessive and controlling. The other was a long-term relationship, several years, they lived together. It didn’t work out in the end because they wanted different things. In both circumstances, although the blokes weren’t really doing anything wrong, I did feel uncomfortable that they were taking advantage of the women in question.

LotusInspired · 22/06/2018 22:00

Try to be nice to her...stop being so judgmental... she might be very mature for her age.

TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 22:03

Yeah because the issue is how mature she is and not how damaged and vulnerable she is.

Inkanta · 22/06/2018 22:06

That was the norm in Victorian times. Times are changing and it is viewed as inappropriate these days.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/06/2018 22:07

@Marriedwithchildren5. I'm pleased to be of use.

Mistressiggi · 22/06/2018 22:09

I don't think anyone is being judgemental of the woman in this relationship.
Perhaps being a teacher influences me as we obviously care for and look after children, rather than looking at them sexually, but dating someone in their first year of experience of adult life when you're heading for 40 yourself is pretty sick.

DownstairsMixUp · 22/06/2018 22:11

Out come the cool wives, no it's hideous and I wouldn't want him in my house. Unless she literally turned 18 in January she was probably only 17 when he got with her, creepy fucker

DownstairsMixUp · 22/06/2018 22:14

Also, interesting that all the back up stories are from women that got with creepy men when they was young. Very vey rarely hear of women going for teenagers when they are 30+. This thread is depressing and reminds me why most men are garbage.

helpmum2003 · 22/06/2018 22:15

OP I think most people would have concerns about the relationship but I suppose the issue is what you do about it or do you do nothing?

As you've not met her yet I would play it by ear tomorrow evening and see how you feel once you've seen them together.

If you remain uncomfortable then I would try to distance myself from him in as gentle a way as possible. You would need to protect your dc from seeing the relationship as acceptable as your main priority.
I think it isn't your role to be her counsellor although she is clearly very vulnerable. I work in Sexual Health and we see a lot of vulnerable young women pleasing their partner's Sexual ly in ways they really don't want to do.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 22/06/2018 22:18

She’s a consenting adult and it’s none of your business what they do just be nice to her or don’t have them round.

SuperSuperSuper · 22/06/2018 22:21

It's really grim. And it's also really awful that he's gossiped about her sad history.

That said, all you can do is be polite and friendly. She's probably nervous about meeting you all.

The poor kid. Life's unfair sometimes. I hope this ridiculous relationship runs its course soon.

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