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AIBU?

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Original poster

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:
jemmstar1980 · 22/06/2018 22:26

Wait until you’ve met her and seen them together. I hope she doesn’t mind you knowing and judging about her childhood tbh!

altiara · 22/06/2018 22:26

Is she still at school? When I was 18 dating a 23 year old, he told his friends I was 19 and at college as he felt it sounded terrible to date a schoolgirl!
Very tricky, wouldn’t know what to say to an 18 year old other than talk about driving test/exam results/university/getting a job. Ok that’s a good few things but I’d feel like I was interviewing them!

PuppetOnAString · 22/06/2018 22:38

On a tangent slightly but since when is 39 middle aged?! Hmm

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2018 22:38

I'd act normally. Inwardly you may judge and that's our right, but outwardly they haven't done anything wrong.

If you notice anything off about their behaviour together then maybe take her aside and offer to chat and see if she opens up. Otherwise, it's just a case of treating them the same.

Did your friend know her as a child? If so, that does make it a bit squicky.

The fact he's into BDSM though does maybe make it a little off as could be acting a Don/Sub role when she's likely been forced into that role in the past. Even more disturbingly is Daddy/Daughter kink which again could be being played out here.

But other than telling him it's inappropriate and befriending her, there's not much else that can be done.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/06/2018 22:39

When people say they were very mature/old head at 18 or so and their partner 10, 15 years older was immature, what do they mean?

I’d be concerned op. He sounds skanky.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2018 22:40

But I'm struggling to see the nice guy bits. He sounds like an asshole to me, sharing his girlfriends past to strangers.

Lichtie · 22/06/2018 22:49

Telling one of your closest friends about your partner is hardly the same as gossiping or sharing with strangers. It's like saying OPs DH was gossiping by telling her... Maybe he was, but you share things with the people closest to you.
Why is it we always judge men for talking to each other but when we talk to each other its fine.

helpfulperson · 22/06/2018 22:52

Perhaps neither of them are looking for a relationship. Maybe they are just looking for a bit of fun and enjoy each others company. Not all relationships are life long commitments. Maybe she fancies being in control of her sex life (and yes done correctly a sub very much is in control)

Wait and see what they are like together before you judge.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/06/2018 23:02

FFS your friend is not a "dom", he is an abuser preying on a vulnerable young woman. He gets a sexual thrill from her being a rape and incest victim, that's why he told your DH about it. I find the cool girl responses on this site astonishing sometimes. When did we cease to have a duty of care to young adults? No one I know in real life would not be disgusted by his behaviour.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2018 23:10

@Lichtie because it's not something two men chat about really. Men don't sit down and have that conversation and then say "Poor her. You make sure she can always talk to you about anything."
"Of course Mark - she knows I won't push her to talk but I'm here for her."

Lichtie · 22/06/2018 23:11

Schnitzel... At what age is she no longer vulnerable and what age guy is it acceptable for her to have sex with? Or is any guy who has sex with her a disgusting abuser? Get a grip

bsbabas · 22/06/2018 23:16

Men who go for inexperienced young women are never doing it for honorable reasons. Why can't he find someone the same age as him? Whats wrong with him?

KenDoddsDadsDogIsDead · 22/06/2018 23:21

Grow the fuck up. My adoptive dad was 34 years older than my mum..age is just a number. He was the kindest, wisest human being I have known.
Who we love does not carry prejudice...neither should you..

nokidshere · 22/06/2018 23:27

I don't know. It certainly doesn't sound like he is "a nice man" if he is discussing his girlfriends private life all over the place.

But, my sister moved in with her boyfriend at aged 16, he was almost 30. Mum sent the police round and had lots of histrionics but, after talking to my sister, they said she was there of her own accord and they couldn't make her come home. He was, and still is, a lovely man.

38 years later with 4 children and 7 grandchildren they have both retired and are having a lovely time travelling and enjoying life with their family.

MrsTorrence · 22/06/2018 23:28

Does he have kids?

notacooldad · 22/06/2018 23:31

My nan was 19 when she married my grandad who was 47 and she adored him and was utterly heartbroken at hi death aged 61

My sister was 23whe she met her husband to be who was 46 and knew my mum and dad friends. They are are still together and been married for years.
Just because the female is young doesnt mean she is vulnerable or the guy is predititory.
It may last or it may not. Just treat her like a normal person.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/06/2018 23:34

It's not just that she's young though is it? She is a child victim of incestuous rape and he has developed a recent interest in BDSM and is going for "younger and younger" partners.

TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 23:45

FFS your friend is not a "dom", he is an abuser preying on a vulnerable young woman. He gets a sexual thrill from her being a rape and incest victim, that's why he told your DH about it. I find the cool girl responses on this site astonishing sometimes. When did we cease to have a duty of care to young adults? No one I know in real life would not be disgusted by his behaviour

Yep. I think it’s more thick girl than cool girl tbf.

TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 23:49

My adoptive dad was 34 years older than my mum..age is just a number

What is it about the fact that this girl was sexually abused by her father do you not understand?

At 18, even with long term therapy that we don’t even know if she’s had, she has not had long enough as an adult to process the experience and establish positive relationship patterns.

PuddlesOfBud · 22/06/2018 23:55

What is it about the fact that this girl was sexually abused by her father do you not understand?

People are defensive because they take it as a judgement on their partners (or dads) so don't want to hear anything that says their loved one could have been in an a relationship where they were the "creep"

The fact that some of these relationships last decades doesn't mean anything. It's not surprising at all. It used to be quite common for women to marry very young and the marriages to last till they died.

Of course they did, you don't know any other way of life and leaving seems impossible when you have been effectively raised by your partner.

I knew an old woman through a club she was telling me a heart warming tale of meeting her adult husband when she was 13. The marriage ended on his death. She thought it was a lovely story.

LidoDeck · 23/06/2018 00:03

Pathetic. They're not hurting anyone, they're both consenting adults, why judge? Get a grip and act like a normal human being. Either welcome them or don't have them over at all if you can't grow up and be civil.

mozzybites · 23/06/2018 00:05

My MIL was much younger than her partner, similar age and gap to OP, he was controlling to the point of being abusive although not acknowledged to be so be her or their DC ( DH has since accepted that he was). He died when she was in her forties, she has never had another relationship since.

In this case the young woman may be able to gain some feeling of agency by being in a submissive relationship that she also has control over. Or she may be being exploited by a much older man, again, as she doesn't have the instinctual boundaries to be able to protect herself. It isn't possible for us to know but it has the potential to be really unhealthy for her.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 23/06/2018 00:11

Pathetic. They're not hurting anyone, they're both consenting adults, why judge? Yes judging people's behaviour certainly is the very worst thing you can do Hmm

PodgeBod · 23/06/2018 00:15

So creepy. I'm in my mid-20's and can't imagine seeing a teenager as a potential partner.
When I was 19 I was with a 31 year old, I look back and think wtf.

whythoughgyno · 23/06/2018 00:19

How long have they been together OP? Considering he already knows about her abusive childhood they must have at least known one anther a while? Perhaps even at 17 depending on when she turned 18...

Obviously she could have opened up about her past early on... I find it really sad that he has shared this with your DP. Already he is showing how disrespectful he is.

Personally I don't like it.. to all those that are unphased by this, would it really not bother you if your DC were dating someone twice their age?

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