39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

[Pooshy]

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

"Isn't it great when people think they can dictate to other posters!!!"

84Charing, I don't get your hostility toward Tatiana. You seemed to want to jump onto he thread expecting posters to find your experiences just as controversial. You confirmed yourself, they weren't the same. Your post was about as relevant as someone talking about their experience of buying a dog and you posting about buying an aubergine.

Craxmum your story turns my stomach. As someone the same age, some experience - if not the one you describe - has severely hindered your maturity.

Why do people assume any man of that age with a partner of 18 MUST be manipulative or predatory or perverted?
Because they are.

For all you know this mm ma he the best thing that can happen for this woman.
No, he isn't

You can't say it is NEVER ok. You have no idea.
Actually, I do.

@craxmum The idea that you may give your 'full blessing' to your own teenage daughter if she is also groomed as you were is horrifying.

curbed you can't possible assume all relationships of that nature are exactly the same.

Craxmum, if you were in the position of needing an adult to accompany you it goes without saying you were not old enough to be anything but groomed. No one is calling you stupid, you can be a fucking genius and blame yourself for abuse. It's pretty standard, actually and if you were with him for 9 years after the fact I can see how you would want to justify the relationship.

Would a normal adult who has been placed in the position of accompanying a 14 year old that is attempting to use her "charms" on him A) tell his boss that this is making him uncomfortable and ask for another chaperone to go instead. Or if he's basically a pedophile, lap it up for two years and then wait till she's legal? Do you not see that it's worse that he knew you since you were 14?

Do you have a husband, if you found out he was attracted to 14 or 16 year old girls, what would be your initial feelilng?

I'll bet she wasn't Ill she probably would just rather spend her time with people who done judge her and talk about her private life.

Like her boyfriend you mean?

it's not irrelevant. She is vulnerable to predatory men.

I was the 17 year old seeing a man twice my age.

My experience was of being with a controlling, abusive manipulator who exploited me sexually and emotionally.

I always question relationships of this type until proved wrong. I may not speak to either party, but I am alert to the possibility that she is a victim.

Men of his age who are attracted to children (and 18 is barely out of childhood) usually have an agenda that a more mature woman would not accept.

Most 14 year olds haven't even stopped growing for fucks sake. They're little and they all think they're very grown up and they have opinions on the world, and the news etc, but the second they open their mouths they are so very clearly 14.

And I stayed with him for eight years, got married and had a child. It was only in my mid twenties that I realised how twisted the relationship was and understood the abusive power dynamics.

Haven't read the whole thread, but has anyone mentioned yet that the french president met his wife when he was just 15 and she was 25 years older than him. There is nothing wrong with older people dating people younger than them if they are consenting adults.

@craxmum why were your family writing you off as a spinster lesbian at 22 if you'd been in a relationship with this man for six years?

Haven't read the whole thread, but has anyone mentioned yet that the french president met his wife when he was just 15 and she was 25 years older than him

Yes, they have. And no, no one thinks it's great. Interesting that people have to think of a couple in another country to come up with an example of it the other way around though. Most people could think of at least one creepy predatory older male tey know personally though.

Most people could think of at least one creepy predatory older male tey know personally though.
And most people could think of at least one gold digging predatory younger woman tey know personally though.

RTFT @Walkingdeadfangirl And most people could think of at least one gold digging predatory younger woman tey know personally though. Nope.

SchnitzelVonKrumm, they are dating the so called 'creepy predatory older male'.

In the OP's case, this relationship sounds deeply unhealthy, regardless of the age gap, if only because he's telling his friends about the abuse she suffered and about his interest in BDSM. Or wanting to reenact things he's seen in porn, as others suggested. That he doesn't think that in this case, this young woman is not someone with whom he should be pursuing any sort of relationship indicates that he has little concern for her well being.

But, as this thread has established, a big age gap isn't necessarily a bad thing. When I was nineteen I started seeing a man of 33 - Army officer, divorced, one child. We were very happy for about a year. I don't think either of us expected it to last forever, but we had a lot of mutually respectful fun, ranging from some delightfully filthy weekends away to some truly vicious games of scrabble. I also got on very well with his friends and their partners, who didn't seem to have any issues with our age difference.

It's not a black and white thing, age gaps, but I do think the OP is right to be concerned about this particular relationship.

Crax is a funny one because she is displaying the same naivety and self deception now that she claims she was not guilty of as a teen.

The whole ‘testing’ newly discovered charms and he managed to resist for a while but she was ‘too determined to fail’ lark.

In reality, she just found a man who was happy to fuck a teenager - there are loads of them about - one who didn’t have the professional ethics or personal integrity to ignore her clunky flirtation. Or the sense not to risk his career for sex. She still tells herself that it was her ‘charms’ rather than his sleaze that won the day.

There were a couple of predatory teachers at my school, and the girls they went after were very much the same blend of geekiness, naivety and pomposity. Others were too savvy.

One of them was an outrageous flirt. I just thought he was an idiot. I don’t need a perv teacher to validate my attractions or choice of subject at uni.

Any teacher worth their salt can guide pupils without fucking them.

And most people could think of at least one gold digging predatory younger woman tey know personally though.

I honestly can't think of any "gold digging teenagers" Certainly non preying on adult men

I cannot see where exactly did I write that the relationship was of sexual nature (it of course was eventually, but WAY after the school and shamefully late by the western standard). But everyone has pictures in their mind they are willing to entertain :)

I have frowned up a few age difference relationships before when the younger parties were late teen early twenties,
However I will admit I was wrong and these couples are still going strong (one over 20years now)
It's not always what we think is right but what's right for them.
The abuse may mean she needs an older partner who can be more understanding.

20 year age gap at 30 and 50 say - fine . Both fully grown adults with life experience but to me 18 is still a kid really , being literally months into being legally an adult doesn't suddenly mature someone does it . It's weird

he's a predator it's gross

Oh I see you were just grandstanding crax. Your experience has nothing to do with the scenario in the OP.

Craxmum I cannot understand your posts on this thread. I've seen you on other threads and you come across fine, but on this one you seem to be wanting to come across as controversial and rile people. Your latest post us disgusting with what you are insinuating and you know it. You should probably rethink that one.

It’s all very odd.

She says she was ‘dating’ a teacher at 16 and got into a ltr, on a thread about a sexual relationship with a teen. She then reveals she wasn’t in a sexual relationship at all so it’s not comparable. Rather than owning what her words implied, it’s our fault for having dirty minds.

I have an 18 year old and no 39 year old man would be welcome as far as a relationship with her goes.

By the time DH and DBs have a word with him...he'll find it's best to move on.

I think it's classic shark cage theory.

Women with solid boundaries, healthy self-esteem and who've been lucky enough (because it is pure luck) to have been raised in a safe, loving environment, and haven't been subject to any sort of abuse (whether by family members or early partners) are inevitably less likely to even get to know middle aged men enough in their teens, to want to explore any sort of relationship (whether friendship or sexual) with them.

They're (middle-aged men) just not even a plausible option, as relationship material.