Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:
PuddlesOfBud · 22/06/2018 21:19

Could you elaborate on how two adults in a consenting relationship is 'wrong' ?

Could you elaborate on how an arbitrary legal date we use as a minumum to define being able to vote and buy cigarettes means you are 100% ready to take on an adult male 20 years your senior in an equal relationships?

It would be wrong the week before she turned 18 and wrong the week after.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/06/2018 21:19

A really nice guy who is into BDSM (presumably domination) with young girls.

Another really nice guy. Where's that bar we set for male behaviour again, has it rolled under someone's sofa?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 22/06/2018 21:20

Age ain’t nothing but a number ...yes that’s what R Kelly says

Original poster
Pooshy · 22/06/2018 21:20

I'm with you puddles

OP posts:
Original poster
Pooshy · 22/06/2018 21:20

Brenda - correct, he's dom

OP posts:
Failingat40 · 22/06/2018 21:21

To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

I think the worst part about this is the fact this is common knowledge amongst you! Has your 39 year old friend disclosed this information about her to you?

ForalltheSaints · 22/06/2018 21:21

I don't think he should have been invited if you had known about his girlfriend at the time an invitation was extended. Regardless of her past.

YearOfYouRemember · 22/06/2018 21:21

Her previous experience is very relevant I feel as she would likely not go for someone his age otherwise.

This just shows your crass naivety and that's me being polite.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/06/2018 21:21

I'd suggest that once you've met her and spoken to her, if she does seem vulnerable, coerced, or unhappy, that you don't put your friendship with this man over offering her help and support if you can.

PuddlesOfBud · 22/06/2018 21:22

If this is real and the drips are true. I would not be friends with this man anymore.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/06/2018 21:23

This just shows your crass naivety and that's me being polite.

It's common knowledge that people who have been damaged by sexual abuse often fall into unhealthy relationship patterns.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/06/2018 21:23

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times.

DH has pulled a sad face for OP, then bought his mate a drink and congratulated him :-)

It is, of course, fairly pathetic to be dating a near child when you are middle aged; but over 18 they are adults and it's not wrong as such. There has to be a cut off.

Still, I think I'd be just as judgy- sounds like a car crash relationship.

Original poster
Pooshy · 22/06/2018 21:26

DH has pulled a sad face for OP, then bought his mate a drink and congratulated him :-)

Honestly, DH has a real problem with it

OP posts:
PuddlesOfBud · 22/06/2018 21:27

There has to be a cut off.

But if you can say near child, how is that not wrong? You say there has to be a cut off, and yes, legally so. But morally?

"legal" is a pretty low bar for moralilty.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/06/2018 21:28

This just shows your crass naivety and that's me being polite

How is the OP possibly the naive one in this scenario?

dadshere · 22/06/2018 21:31

At 39, unless he is VERY childlike, he is in it for the sex, maybe an early mid-life crisis, or maybe peter-pan syndrome. At 18, she is flattered to have an older, mature man, not a boy after her, probably with enough money to treat her better than the boys she has dated before. I personally think it is gross, but it is actually very common, so bite your tongue and play nice.

killinginthenameof · 22/06/2018 21:31

A really nice guy who is into BDSM (presumably domination) with young girls.Another really nice guy. Where's that bar we set for male behaviour again, has it rolled under someone's sofa?

Couldn't agree more. I'm flabbergasted at responses, becoming "technically an adult" is not an overnight transition.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 22/06/2018 21:31

Really?? I was 19. Husband 33 when we met. 15 years. 3 children later we're still together compared to friends, mumsnet people with their issues. His friends were like you. We pretty much cut them out!! A couple did apologise tbf.

YearOfYouRemember · 22/06/2018 21:33

This just shows your crass naivety and that's me being polite.

"It's common knowledge that people who have been damaged by sexual abuse often fall into unhealthy relationship patterns."

In some cases, by no means all.

tildaMa · 22/06/2018 21:35

Sorry OP, your friend is a predator not a nice guy.

TatianaLarina · 22/06/2018 21:40

In some cases, by no means all

You really think she’s over childhood sexual abuse/incest by the time she’s 18?

PuddlesOfBud · 22/06/2018 21:40

Really?? I was 19. Husband 33 when we met. 15 years. 3 children later we're still together compared to friends, mumsnet people with their issues. His friends were like you. We pretty much cut them out!! A couple did apologise tbf.

If you did break up with your partner would youlikely be interested in an 18 year old?

donquixotedelamancha · 22/06/2018 21:41

@PuddlesOfBud. I thought it was pretty clear I'm not approving of it.

I do think, however there has to be room for nuance. This particular example sounds like every awful stereotype- and those stereotypes exist for a reason. I had a mate who used to exclusively date much younger women and he treated them as poorly as this suggests...

... but @Marriedwithchildren5 gives an example of a big gap working and one of the nicest couples I've known had a large age gap at a very young age. He was incredibly respectful and she was old beyond her years- they did not have sex before marriage. Not every age gap is for the same reason.

Honestly, DH has a real problem with it

Yeah, I know. Just teasing. Most men are not like the stereotypes on here, but I couldn't resist throwing one in.

Freshfeelings · 22/06/2018 21:42

Don't have them round to your house. They don't deserve your disgusting silent judgment.

They are two adults in a relationship. How dare you discuss her past like this?! It's fuckall to do with you and utterly awful that you've diagnosed her with 'daddy issues' based on your gossip about her.

ilovegin112 · 22/06/2018 21:43

It’s nobody’s business than theirs, some people find it weird then that’s their problem, she might be the best thing in the world for him

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.