what happened in the shop..

[Butterflykissess]

i was at the shops earlier and had a basket full of shopping, i went to the self checkout (before anyone suggest i use the tills in future i want to state that i suffer from anxiety and find it difficult so i use the self service.).. anyway as i had quite abit of shopping the whole amount wouldnt fit so i decided it was best to do it in two transactions. after i had finished i decided to leave a few bits behind (left in the basket) anyway as i went to walk off the man shouted "excuse me do you want this stuff!" i said "no sorry im leaving that behind" thinking it was flipping obvious if i was walking away, but whatever.

anyway he then says to me "well what about the pampers" hanging onto my clip on the pram. i said i had already paid for them, he asked for my receipt, meanwhile bare in mind everyone was staring at me! panicked i started to go through the bags looking for it but couldnt find it. he then accused me of trying to steal them! i was so humilated. i asked him to check the cctv. at this point the whole place was starting at me.

anyway as he walked off to check the cctv i found the receipt in my pocket. i went over put the receipt down infront of him and said "there is the receipt." i didnt even hang around i walked straight out but i am so humiliated. safe to say i cant go in there again! aibu to think it could have been done more discreet?

You'll spend a lot of time as a parent, with your children, and people you don't know. Hence it kind of is a problem for your children. Please go and see your gp. The posters on here who are suggesting you get help, mean it kindly.

my anxiety is only around people i dont know so no need to worry about my children.

It’s a massive concern for your children, OP.

With such debilitating anxiety your kids will not only pick up on it, but likely get the same anxiety themselves because you are wrongly giving them the impression there is a reason to be worried and scared. There isn’t.

It is selfish and unfair to pass your anxiety onto your children because you “don’t want help”.

You need to get help, because you cannot parent responsibly or safely with such debilitating anxiety.

And I say this as someone who was virtually housebound with anxiety for many years.

It is a problem for your kids.

How will you handle school? And their teacher that you don’t know? Or the friends they make and the parents you don’t know?

This will rub off on them and it will affect them. Deny it all you like op but I know, I’ve been there. MH problems aren’t weaknesses or embarrassing. But they do effect whole families not just the one with the issues.

Self checkouts are designed for smaller shops. I have paid up to £50-£60 (inc larger, higher priced items like Krispy Kreme dozens, alcohol etc) at a self checkout and never had to split the transaction, so I’m assuming that you had loads of little things - ie much too large a shop. That’s weird.

Self checkouts are a prime location for theft too, very hard for staff to keep an eye on every item being scanned correctly at every till point, especially when the till starts to request staff assistance with minor issues. So what retailers do is train their staff on high theft targets and common tactics, which unfortunately does include nappies (etc) left in the pram. In fact theft involving prams is ridiculously common as parents do claim ‘I forgot’ or ‘it was my child’ etc, almost like a get out of jail free card. So i assume that it’s hard to decipher who is being genuine

RE leaving stuff at the check out - this is weird. I used to do this as a broke uni student, but I would always either put the items away before I got to the till (especially with frozen/refrigerated goods) or ask the attendant first. The attendant would then put my things on the side or put them away, ie they wouldn’t just be left in the basket at the till! That’s inconsiderate for the next person surely, especially as self checkouts are a fast paced environment and do involve queues at times

I had pretty awful post natal anxiety. I’d only heard of post natal depression, and I think the health visitor and GP has to because it’s all they screened for,
I was petrified of anyone thinking I wasn’t coping and taking my baby away; or if taking medication for it while I was bf-ing.

Now, looking back, there were more options than I realized, and no one was ever likely to take the baby. But at the time I was trapped in a vicious cycle - the anxiety made me hide my difficulties, which cut me off and made the anxiety all the worse.

I really regret how my time with my small baby was soured by something that could have been helped.

I would have felt very much like you OP in those circumstances.

they go to school. thats fine. no issues there.

thanks PipLongStockings.

If the op doesn’t want the goods and changed her mind why is it wrong to just leave them? I really don’t think she has done anything wrong!

You can go back there OP. It'll be ok. What happened is just one of the many things that occur in a supermarket day to day. Don't let it put you off. You've done nothing wrong.

i do think people are being extremely ott about me leaving the items at the till. surely if youve done a massive shop and leave some stuff behind you dont drag your trolley full of shopping back around the shop to put the bits back. but like i said this is MN.

Butterflykisses big hugs, it's not easy living with anxiety and I feel for you. It's not nice having someone shouting at you especially when your already feeling anxious. All around the checkouts in our local stores are baskets with stuff in them that people have changed their minds. I think everyone has came to the checkouts at some point and decided to leave something. If he shouted at you then no he shouldn't have done that, there's a more appropriate way of asking someone a question like quietly without making a big deal. I get people steal nappies but not everyone does. Keep your chin up and if your really struggling with your anxiety maybe a doctor's appointment might help you ease this a little.

OP I think there is absolutely nothing that you did wrong here. It is perfectly acceptable to leave things in the basket if you have changed your mind, as for the way you were treated, that was very out of order and you should make a complaint. From the legal perspective, accusing a person of theft in public is slanderous and they should at least give you an apology. Could you at least write an email or letter of complaint? You should not have been treated with so little respect, it's disgusting.

OP, if you were walking around holding your baby and putting stuff in the pram it’s very likely another customer had reported you for shoplifting before you even got to the till. I’ve never seen anybody do that and it’s something most Mum’s avoid precisely because they don’t want to be accused of shoplifting. Faffing about with two transactions then leaving stuff behind would also be a red flag. And I suspect your anxiety is so severe it may appear to other people that you are behaving furtively or are nervous, also red flags for shop assistants.

And I don’t think your reaction helped much either because you were panicking when asked for the receipt. Most people in these situations who have done nothing wrong are calm and cooperative because they know it can be resolved.

I think the main lesson here is that your anxiety needs sorting.

"Sorry, I don't want these any more, would you mind if I go put them back?" would have sufficed OP, then the assistant would have just taken them for you.

When I worked in a supermarket, a common trick for people to do was 2 or 3 transactions with a pram, taking bits out and putting them back. They don't put certain things through the self scan and it's difficult for the person watching to keep track of, this is why he was watching.

If this happens in future ask them if they'd be able to help you put it through in assist mode so it can be loaded back into the pram.

surely if youve done a massive shop and leave some stuff behind you dont drag your trolley full of shopping back around the shop to put the bits back.

I think the oddness of leaving things at the till depends on why you've done so. It's odd if you have stuff in your trolley at the till that you just don't intend to buy. It's not odd to leave something that you discover before you scan it is actually out of date or a split bag or something - but you wouldn't put those back on a shelf anyway. The "odd" thing is going to a till with things in your trolley that you don't intend to purchase. that's unusual behaviour in a British supermarket.

There was a whole trolley of put back items in my local this evening. Not a soul was bothered

I work for a retail chain. I would like to state now that leaving unwanted items by the till or in a basket or some other random place gives me (and colleagues) the fucking Rage!!!

Seriously it drives me demented. I have to spend an hour or two every single day just returning the crap people leave lying around. Especially when it's meat, dairy or frozen items. PLEASE STOP IT!!

If you can put it back, please do so. If not give it to someone... Especially the chilled/frozen items....

And breathe.... Sorry rant over..

There was a whole trolley of put back items in my local this evening. Not a soul was bothered

Yes, but they’re usually handed back and given to the assistant not just dumped at a self service where the assistant or next customer have to pick up after you. To not even say something or put the items by the staff station is just rude. It’s treating the staff like your personal servant when they are busy helping other people too.

If you were at a till with checkout operator I'm sure you would have said, "I don't want these items as I have no room for them". People leave items behind at the check out all the time.

However, I don't know if there is anywhere to leave unwanted items at the self service checkouts? There is usually a member of staff hovering to assist. Maybe you should have approached her/him. Keep it in mind for next time.

As you suffer with anxiety I can totally see why this episode left you embarrassed and flustered.

Look on the bright side. You were accused (?) Of being a thief. You found the receipt, proving you're not. I wish you had hung around long enough for an apology. That would have made the world of difference.

Chin up OP. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be remorseful for

Come to think of I was privy to a conversation where a man was shoplifting and he left items at the till.
The two shop assistants said he had stolen x whilst also taking A and B to the till with no intention of buying them.
So on reflection, avoid leaving things at t he till ( unless of course they are damaged).

Actually if you have anything fresh and abandon it at the till it has to be thrown away as it’s impossible for the shop to know how long you’ve had it in your basket for and therefore how long it’s been out of the cold chain. Having said that, you didn’t do any wrong per se, just that what you did was a little unusual and thus would have attracted attention and combined with the fact that you fit a few typical markers for shoplifting; pram, self scan checkout, multiple transactions and hanging nappies. This meant that the shop worker felt they needed to ask to see your receipt although it does sound like they went about it in a rude way. For the most part I think your anxiety is what needs addressing here and I hope you are able to get the help you need.

i honestly didnt think i had the receipt. i didnt remember raking it. which us why i panicked. obviously didnt want the police called or anything.

loads of mums put shopping under their prams as not alot fits in a basket when your doing a shop and cant use a trolley. i dont think thats weird at all actually.

As others have said- because you put through two transactions, then left a few things, that would have alerted the shop assistant. That’s strange behaviour. Shoplifters often put more items in their baskets so they can steal certain things. Nappies and meat seems to be popular stolen things at our local supermarket! Oh and cheese.
Leaving stuff in the basket at self serve is strange too. I’ve done it by mistake once when distracted by tantruming toddler and the assistant called me back and said did I mean to leave these. I didn’t so I paid for them and thanked him. Also if you leave items in your basket it means the next person in line can’t put their basket down.
Don’t take it personally. The assistants main job when manning self serve will be to watch out for people stealing. If you go back I doubt they will even remember you.

surely if youve done a massive shop and leave some stuff behind you dont drag your trolley full of shopping back around the shop to put the bits back.

I don't think many people really "leave stuff behind", that's not normal, why on earth would you find it acceptable to change your mind at the last minute and expect the staff to pick up after you? It's very rude towards them.

It's not "Planet MN", in real life people don't do that!

Anyway, if you struggle to function outside even in a simple supermarket situation, you are affecting your children. What example are you giving them? How do you manage normal activities like shopping, taking them in public places, on holidays?
You are restricting their world if you can't deal with strangers. There's no blame as long as you accept your problem and try to find ways to help you with it. Your GP surgery should be the first call to direct you somewhere.

I used to work in a supermarket and found it so frustrating when people decided not to buy an item and just left it at the checkout. It happened so many times a day and it meant that colleagues on the shop floor had to waste time putting it all back when they could have been helping customers.

I can pretty much guarantee that the staff won't remember you if you go back though - they serve so many people a day.

I understand why this was embarrassing, I'd also be embarrassed to be accused of theft publicly.

However I'd also agree that if your anxiety is so bad you can't go through a manned checkout at a supermarket this is very extreme. I don't understand why you won't seek help for it.

You've a child, you don't want to bring her up thinking your behaviour is normal, and if you don't want to seek help for yourself, I'd urge you to seek help so you can model normal behaviour to her as she grows up. Right now you're not able to do that, and I think it's important you start to think about her and what you're showing her as normal, when you know it's abnormal.