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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To steer DH away from this woman?

173 replies

Incywincyquincy · 22/06/2018 17:01

So dh became facebook friends with a woman from school whose child is in dd's class. All innocent - I know her too and chat regularly. However, he seems to have a bit of a crush on her and I think she's noticed. It is noticeable that every picture she posts and every question she asks, he responds to instantly. Some might say he is being helpful, but she has started to notice and has mentioned in a jokey way that she feels a bit awkward about it.

How do I gently steer him away from doing this without embarrassing him or telling him what she has said?

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 22/06/2018 17:44

If the woman is bothered she should stop messaging him, simple.
Perhaps you should tell her to naff off, cheeky cow trying to put the blame on him.

She isnt messasging him he is 'liking' everything she ever puts on FB thats not the same at all, nice bit of victim blaming there.

Original poster
Incywincyquincy · 22/06/2018 17:46

Please don't ask why. Just help me come up with a story. Please.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 22/06/2018 17:47

If you have to, you could frame it as her being sensitive and easily offended or something,

Wtf? She is "easily offended by him liking her posts" that makes her sound like a loon! She is sick of his constant attention commenting on and liking everything she posts, thats perfectly reasonable, op doesnt have to make excuses for her friend. He needs to see he is wrong.

kaytee87 · 22/06/2018 17:48

I'm assuming he's abusive then? Op you don't deserve this, please try to leave him.

Juells · 22/06/2018 17:48

Please don't ask why. Just help me come up with a story. Please.

Hmm 'nuff said Hmm

He has no respect for other's boundaries, quite obviously.

Storm4star · 22/06/2018 17:49

Incy, I'm worried about you :(

It's hard to come up with anything other than confronting him head on but you can't. Can you ask her to block him? Would that help? Do you know her well enough to do that?

Juells · 22/06/2018 17:49

Why not ask her to unfriend him? That gets you out of the middle.

Clubcuts · 22/06/2018 17:49

The story is this

DH, I was totally embarrassed that my friend X approached me about your over zealous and frankly embarrassing behaviour. Stop it, you're showing yourself up and embarrassing me.

You're not 13 so grow the fuck up you creepy letch. And before you start getting the hump, I'm no longer pussy footing around your ego. Grow up or move on.

And do not ever letch after another woman again!

How's that?

YearOfYouRemember · 22/06/2018 17:50

I think you've had plenty of help actually.

kaytee87 · 22/06/2018 17:51

Op ask her to unfriend him if it's going to make you unsafe confronting him.

TheOriginalSource · 22/06/2018 17:52

Please don't ask why. Just help me come up with a story. Please.

There is no story and no easy way. It sounds like you tried to do it jokingly/lightheartedly and he ignored it and it caused an argument. There's no other option.

It sounds like you are terrified of him. It also sounds like he doesn't respect women. You cannot do this without being blunt. If you can't be blunt with him because you are scared then you have much bigger issues.

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/06/2018 17:54

There is more to this clearly, I know you said don't ask but maybe with the full story people might be able to help?

TheOriginalSource · 22/06/2018 17:55

I second asking her to unfriend him if you can't confront him and then please look at getting some help. It's not normal to be terrified of your husband. I hope you are ok.

Storm4star · 22/06/2018 17:58

OP none of us know you in real life so it's safe to talk on here. You could post on the "relationships" board, there's a lot of support on there.

I feel like maybe there's a part of you that want's to reach out for some help? It's pretty clear you're frightened of him but you can get support with that.

Slightlyjaded · 22/06/2018 17:59

You don't need a 'story' - you have a reality.

But if you want to 'dress it up' as a story, then:

"Listen, you got pissed off when I mentioned this before, and I am not even going to speculate as to why that might be, but just so you know, Facebook Lady approached me and told me that she was a little uncomfortable with how closely you were following her feed and asked if you could back off a bit. Again, I won't even get into how embarrassing and uncomfortable that was for me, but I trust you will 'back off' and that we never have to have a conversation like this again."

Somanymistakes · 22/06/2018 18:01

You need to get help. You are clearly scared of humans more concerned with his feelings of embarrassment than the fact his behaviour is making another woman so uncomfortable, that SHE has brought it up with YOU.

She will gave discussed this with other people and probably planned her approach very carefully.

But you are worried snout not upsetting him...and totally accepting of him being an inappropriate perv to your friends. Your feelings are t important to you. Her feelings aren't. But you want us to concoct a way you can tell him without upsetting him.

Do you not see how dysfunctional your behaviour is?

You need help to see your relationship for what it is, and decide whether you can have an equal and healthy relationship him or whether you should leave.

What message will you be sending your children about relationships and how you should be treated?

Whatshallidonowpeople · 22/06/2018 18:02

She's mentioned it to ensure you know either to rub your face in it or to cause trouble between you. It's not up to you to tell him, let her do it.

Somanymistakes · 22/06/2018 18:02

Scared of him

About not snout

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/06/2018 18:03

You've tried gentle with the "joke" and he reacted badly. He isn't going to get a hint. He wants to hassle her (though he almost certainly won't be thinking of it in those terms) and he feels entitled to. He isn't looking at whether his feelings are reciprocated and he isn't' concerned that he is, effectively, pursuing someone else while he is with you and how you might feel about that.

kaytee87's advice is good if you are in danger. But if this is the case, please also consider speaking to Women's Aid. You and your children should not be living in such a situation.

AmazingPostVoices · 22/06/2018 18:04

Please don't ask why. Just help me come up with a story. Please.

OK If it’s not safe to address this with him, go back to Facebook Lady and quietly ask her to block him and not mention you asked her to.

Slightlyjaded · 22/06/2018 18:05

whatshallidonow I don't read it like that at all.

If I was innocently attracting the attention of my friends husband and it was making me uncomfortable, I would possibly deal with it exactly as this woman has to avoid any kind of appearance of 'allegiance' with the husband.

MikeUniformMike · 22/06/2018 18:05

not RTFT yet
Why doesn't the woman unfriend the OP's husband?

SummerGems · 22/06/2018 18:07

I would ask her to unfriend him if you won’t confront him. Although I would think about why you find it so hard to confront him. But I would be inclined to tell him that it looks as if he and her are having an affair given how he hangs off her every word...

I had this from the other side. My DP works with someone, and every single time he posted something she would respond within minutes. Every, single, time. To the point that she clearly had fb set to notify her when he posted. And the posts were full of innuendo and sexual banter. And then their other work colleague would chime in, to the point that it looked like a cliquey discussion just between the three of them full of in-jokes and chat, to the point that nobody else would have felt able to comment on the status. I certainly didn’t.

So I mentioned it to him, and his response was that it was just a bit of banter in the office which had crossed over to FB.

And then she crossed a line after he posted a picture with a woman in the background at an event where he was and suggested that he’d be having an ONS that night. And although he didn’t respond to the status he didn’t say anything either on the basis he didn’t want to make things difficult at work by confronting her.

So I did. I pointed out on the status in question that she’d better hope that the woman in the picture’s partner wasn’t on DP’s fb because her post suggested all manner of things which were simply not true, and that if the woman was on DP’s fb she would feel rightly agrieved that it was being suggested she was up for a ONS.

She’s now stopped replying to anything of his. Grin

SoddingUnicorns · 22/06/2018 18:08

Tell her to block him. It’s the only way if he can’t be confronted.

I’m more worried about you OP, you sound scared. Really scared. Are you ok?

AnyFucker · 22/06/2018 18:08

Any suggestions at game playing or appealing to the FB woman to solve this issue are misguided

The only real advice here is to seek professional help to leave the relationship safely