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AIBU?

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Original poster

To steer DH away from this woman?

173 replies

Incywincyquincy · 22/06/2018 17:01

So dh became facebook friends with a woman from school whose child is in dd's class. All innocent - I know her too and chat regularly. However, he seems to have a bit of a crush on her and I think she's noticed. It is noticeable that every picture she posts and every question she asks, he responds to instantly. Some might say he is being helpful, but she has started to notice and has mentioned in a jokey way that she feels a bit awkward about it.

How do I gently steer him away from doing this without embarrassing him or telling him what she has said?

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 22/06/2018 17:19

She probably spent ages trying to work out how to bring it up with you before working up the nerve to do it.

Do you think your DH is defensive because he has a small crush or because he doesn't like being told he's in the wrong?

Footballmumofthefuture · 22/06/2018 17:19

He caused an arguement and got defensive because he likes her.
He is embarrassing you.
She told you herself.

Mortified, he should be!

Butterymuffin · 22/06/2018 17:19

Agree that unfortunately this can't be handled without making him feel uncomfortable. Tell him he's free to check with her your version of events if he starts down the 'you're exaggerating / being dramatic' road.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2018 17:20

So what if he's mortified? Perhaps it will make him realise how over the top he has been with her and even to apologise that he has made her uncomfortable.

Her feelings trump his.

NobodysMot · 22/06/2018 17:20

Agree with others. He has embarrassed u and made her feel awkward. And yet you dare not tell him...

Tell him straight. If he tries to make it about u being dramatic tell him he is being dramatic. The non dramatic response to what u need to say would be to cringe a bit and mutter thanks.. any more than that is dramatic.

notanurse2017 · 22/06/2018 17:20

Why do I have the feeling that this has happened before, Op? The way you phase it as him having a bit of a crush? Don't minimise his behaviour.

Nincomsoup · 22/06/2018 17:20

Perhaps suggest a mutual Facebook ban for health periods and time to reconnect away from social media - make a competition out of it where you both deactivate your accounts for seven days.

Perhaps he'll find another interest.

LegoBitcho · 22/06/2018 17:21

It doesn't sound like you can do gentle hints with your dh with this. He needs to know what she said yo you. I'd probably leave out how it makes you feel but I'd be letting him know how she feels.

I'm not sure what else you can do after this though if he doesnt listen. The school mum should delete him and then he'd get the message loud and clear.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2018 17:21

Your husband is embarassing himself. Why wouldn't you just tell him straight ?

You sound fearful of his reaction. Does that happen regularly ?

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/06/2018 17:22

Honestly I can believe you are being so calm about this, it's ok to find someone else attractive if you are married but to have a crush to the extent you make someone so uncomfortable they tell your wife is so fucking disrespectful to you. I would be beyond livid, he'd definitely be in the dog house/on the couch if it were me

SoddingUnicorns · 22/06/2018 17:24

AnyFucker has a point, you do sound fearful. Are you afraid of him?

SparklyMagpie · 22/06/2018 17:24

Why would you not tell him directly when it's so obvious and she's told you she's pretty uncomfortable??

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/06/2018 17:27

He won't be mortified though, will he? He'll tell you you're jealous, that there's absolutely nothing in anything he says, that the other woman is grateful for his help and comments.

Unless she says something to him, you will be seen as the jealous wife. I really don't think men like this think they are doing anything wrong, and see being called on it as just someone 'getting the wrong end of the stick'. Can you ask her to tell him to stop? If she tells him he's embarrassing himself he might be mortified. Don't think he'll take any notice of you.

StormTreader · 22/06/2018 17:30

Every time she posts something ,shout across the house "DH! Sophie has just posted something, quick, get your phone!"

cakecakecheese · 22/06/2018 17:30

Get her to pretend to be gay? Ask her to make herself very unattractive? Ask her to come off Facebook? Get her to move to a different town?

You'll notice my suggestions are ridiculous this is because it is a bit ridiculous expecting there to be a subtle way of stopping this. His behaviour is off and needs to stop, like the others I'm concerned that you seem to be a little afraid of his reactions.

LoveInTokyo · 22/06/2018 17:31

@Zaphodsotherhead I have a horrible feeling you might be right actually.

Some men are just so entitled, arrogant and thick-skinned that they (a) don't see any reason why any woman wouldn't be pleased and flattered by the attention, and (b) think their wife, if they have one, either won't notice or won't have the guts to do anything about it.

I hope the OP is not genuinely married to one of these arseholes, but if she is, this won't be the only example of this kind of behaviour she has to deal with.

Juells · 22/06/2018 17:33

How do I gently steer him away from doing this without embarrassing him

Embarrass him. I'd want to know if he has a roving eye, as well, before spending years trying to 'help' him to not embarrass himself. He's embarrassing you too.

Vicky1990 · 22/06/2018 17:36

If the woman is bothered she should stop messaging him, simple.
Perhaps you should tell her to naff off, cheeky cow trying to put the blame on him.

PieAndPumpkins · 22/06/2018 17:36

The fact he started a huge argument over it last time you subtly mentioned it, sounds like this time you're going to have to be honest (and brutal). He's your DH, you love him, stop him now before he embarrasses himself further.

Tambien · 22/06/2018 17:37

He would be mortified if I told him she said anything and he would deny anything or think I was being dramatic if I said I noticed

So him making that woman and you uncomfortable is ok and y U are not allowed to say anything about it. Or you need to be very gentle bla-bla-bla.
But him being made uncomfortable because he is pulled out in his behaviour is absolutely not on, so much so that he will cause an argument?

I would say you have a bigger issue than just him making that woman slightly ackward on FB (if I was her, my answer would be very simple. I would Just block him).
You have a massive issue of respect there. Towards you and towards all women.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/06/2018 17:38

If you have to, you could frame it as her being sensitive and easily offended or something, but really I think the best approach is quite blunt. And you need to make it really clear that it isn't just you being jealous or controlling, but that the woman has told you she finds it all too much.

kaytee87 · 22/06/2018 17:39

@Vicky1990 I read it as he's commenting on her Facebook posts and pictures, not him messaging her back.

DragonMummy1418 · 22/06/2018 17:40
Confused You don't need to hint, he's not a stranger.

Just say, 'Look, this woman has mentioned to me that she's finding it uncomfortable and weird that you comment and respond to every post and to be frank I think your embarrassing her, yourself and me... if you fancy her then that's one thing but you seem to be pushing the boundaries of common decency and you just need to back off from her.'

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/06/2018 17:41

If the woman is bothered she should stop messaging him, simple.
Perhaps you should tell her to naff off, cheeky cow trying to put the blame on him.

I got the impression that she just posts stuff and he responds to it immediately. Hardly her fault.

Clubcuts · 22/06/2018 17:43

He would be embarrassed? But it's ok for you to have a woman say to you it's getting awkward and did that not embarrass you?

As others say just bloody tell him, I'd be saying you're bloody embarrassing yourself and me and don't ever do it again.