Annoyed With Tonight’s Dinner

[jamesk0001]

I am very overweight. It’s my fault. I can’t control my appetite and binge eat. I know it’s a problem and I am getting help. I have also been diagnosed with a heart condition and she knows I am not allowed certain foods – specifically mentioned – garlic bread – it’s a killer, curries – takeaway and restaurant amongst others.

I also work 14 to 16 hours a day and my wife has chosen not to work. As I don't get home till about 8pm, we have agreed that as I work, she will cook.

I have asked her to try and cook more healthily, her portion control is very poor (like using a pound of meat for 2 people) and I was brought up to not waste food - to the extent that I wasn’t allowed to leave the table without clearing the plate and being forced by my parents to sit at the table until I finished up or fell asleep and still now find it very difficult to leave an empty plate.

I have been away for a few days with work and got home to spaghetti carbonara made with a nearly a pound of fried bacon, parmesan cheese, fried mushrooms and two baguettes of garlic bread for 2 people!

I have actually accused her of trying to kill me and we had a row – last thing I need after been away for 4 days. I have a £650k life insurance policy so I am wondering now if she really is!

Feeling really low at the mo as she has stormed off to see a friend - so I may as well have stayed away with work.

I think there may be an underlying issue with your relationship. She knows about healthy eating, has followed the Slimming World programme, you've had several discussions with her yet she continues to serve you huge amounts of crap - on purpose. Does she feel resentful, taken for granted, not cherished etc? Drug addicts, alcoholics, food addicts etc all get comfort from over indulging in their drug of choice. Are you unhappy? Are there issues which instead of tackling directly, you turn to food to gain solace from instead?
She may have her eye on the insurance money but I think it's far more likely she's unhappy, bored or feeling under appreciated. Suggest a cards on the table talk, about what's really bugging her.

You need to talk to her. And ask her about slimming world.

My suspicion here is that for many years, until OP had a wake-up call, his wife showed her love by cooking large, delicious meals which he devoured gratefully. The fact that he's so overweight suggests he loves his food and she feeds him because it makes him so happy. It's very common and can be an extremely difficult habit to break, especially as this has presumably been going on for at least a couple of decades. She might be having trouble adjusting her mindset to "the new regime".

She probably controls her own weight by eating healthily during your working hours and then indulging a bit with you (just a guess based on the Slimming World thing).

It's not ideal that she hasn't jumped on board with more gusto (OP, is it possible you've been, understandably, sending slightly mixed signals as you adjust to your new regime?), but I don't think it's fatal, and I don't think you need to presume she's sabotaging or trying to kill you! If you just calmly reiterate that you're really serious about losing weight and that you really need to keep your calories down, I'm sure she'll adjust.

When I moved in with DH I was like the witch in Hansel and Gretel He was sooooo grateful to be fed, so I just kept feeding him. We had a bit of tension about it for a while but we worked it out pretty quickly. I realise it was easier for us because we were only undoing a year or so of behaviour, not decades as I expect you and your wife are, but I'm sure it can be done.

I'm a plate clearer. I get it. "There are starving children in Ethiopia! My father had to fight other men for a blade of grass to eat while fighting the war! Clear your plate!"

I still clear plates, but I've changed what I put on it and how much.

I'm going to choose to believe that your wife isn't malicious, and is a feeder who was serving you a meal that has given you pleasure in the past.

The problem is that, like QuimReaper has said above, you are sending mixed messages by clearing your plate. You're saying one thing and doing another. She doesn't believe you're serious about the new food plan.

What you have to do is show her that you are serious. You're going to need to show change before she'll change. You need to not eat everything she has served for you. Myself, I'd find it easiest to pot up the excess in the kitchen and leave it there out of sight, then clear my plate of my new smaller portion.

Once you've shown her you're serious, try having the conversation again about what meals are best for your heart condition. Hopefully, she'll listen then.

As a side note, I've found the My Fitness Pal app very useful for tracking what I eat. You'd need to make sure that you don't go too far and eat enough to keep you going through those long days, and the app works that out for you based on height, activity level etc.

Good luck.

I wonder if the OP had posted he was an alcoholic who never bought alcohol, but would finish any bottle brought into the house by his wine-loving wife, everyone would be telling him he was the problem and should just not put it in his mouth

Good analogy, that is why Overeaters Anonymous is a good place for the OP to get the help he needs.