Annoyed With Tonight’s Dinner

[jamesk0001]

I am very overweight. It’s my fault. I can’t control my appetite and binge eat. I know it’s a problem and I am getting help. I have also been diagnosed with a heart condition and she knows I am not allowed certain foods – specifically mentioned – garlic bread – it’s a killer, curries – takeaway and restaurant amongst others.

I also work 14 to 16 hours a day and my wife has chosen not to work. As I don't get home till about 8pm, we have agreed that as I work, she will cook.

I have asked her to try and cook more healthily, her portion control is very poor (like using a pound of meat for 2 people) and I was brought up to not waste food - to the extent that I wasn’t allowed to leave the table without clearing the plate and being forced by my parents to sit at the table until I finished up or fell asleep and still now find it very difficult to leave an empty plate.

I have been away for a few days with work and got home to spaghetti carbonara made with a nearly a pound of fried bacon, parmesan cheese, fried mushrooms and two baguettes of garlic bread for 2 people!

I have actually accused her of trying to kill me and we had a row – last thing I need after been away for 4 days. I have a £650k life insurance policy so I am wondering now if she really is!

Feeling really low at the mo as she has stormed off to see a friend - so I may as well have stayed away with work.

I won't comment on your relationship, OP, but I do think you should attend to your eating habits. Have you tried Overeaters Anonymous?

I don;t completely dismiss your argument that your wife is trying to sabotage your healthy eating - it does happen (when I was trying to lose weight so i could have an operation my XH kept bringing home loads ofcakes chocolate sweets etc - and it is hard to resist)

Also if your wife is doing SW (which I am doing too) why is she not making SW meals which you could both eat ?
Can you go to SW with her? (Or go to a different group from her?)

I think whatever she is doing, you need to decide what you want to do and stick to it. Don't eat all the food that is on your plate - don't eat the garlic bread etc.
If you work 14 - 16 hours a day, then your wife is not responsible for what you eat in those hours, you are - make sure you watch what you eat in those times (which are the larger part of the day0 and limit your portion in the evening.
Have a chat with her about how you want to eat, go shopping with her at the weekend and choose the foods you want. Follw the NHS guide lines onprtions and how to fill your plate (ie - the proprtions of protein, carbs, and vegetables/salad)
Talk to your GP and ask to see a dietician or nutritionist (not sure which) fro help with weight loss, if it is seriously affecting your health then you need some hep and guidance to get it under control.

The main thing is don't give your wife the responsibility for your wieght loss, look after it yourself. Make sure there are always salads etc in the fridge and replace the garlic bread or other unhealthy sides by piling salad onto your plate.

I assume you don't really think your wife is trying to kill you for the life insurance by the rather bizarre method of overfeeding you. I think you are frustrated and unhappy at your weight and misdirecting your anger.

Really do try SW if you can - you'll get lots of encouragement and support from people who understand how hard it can be to lose weight and want to help you.

Just a suggestion but if you are so highly paid and your wife will not work with you on providing healthier meals, could you use a healthy meal delivery service? There seem to be heaps popping up in my area and if money isn't an issue it seems like a good solution.

I still think that OP needs to not solely focus on what he perceives his oh as doing "wrong" but look at the whole day in context and tell us what a whole day's menu looks like

• what does he eat for breakfast?
• where/what is he eating during the 16 hours at work?

* canteen? * packed lunch? * takeaways? * fast food? * local restaurants

• what snacks are being eaten during the day?

* take out coffee? * crisps/sweets? * vending machines? * fruit and veg * cakes, biscuits, sandwiches, rolls?

OP YANBU to be annoyed. I would be really hurt if my partner did what your wife has. I would see it as showing a huge lack of love and/or respect in the relationship. You've got a huge task ahead of you that is notoriously difficult and critical to your life and she's trying to sabotage it and make it harder and more miserable right from the get-go.

But, at the moment at least, it's a one-off. So let things cool off and have a proper discussion about what you need to be eating and see if she is prepared to commit to cooking that sort of food (in those sorts of portions) for you. If she isn't I would seriously think about splitting up.

So glad to see the MN double standards are alive and well.

OP I doubt your wife is trying to kill you with big portions of unhealthy food. Even if she's the murderous type, it would seem an odd and unreliable way to go about it for a start. I also think that you're responsible for your portion sizes, not her. I understand not being able to leave food on the plate so remove some from the plate before eating.

That said, it seems that she could be more considerate in terms of the kinds of meals she serves up. Rather than shouting and accusing, which will just come across as ungrateful and get her back up, why don't you come up with some meal suggestions that suit you both? You could start with a few to get the ball rolling - and as a way of making up - and then work on the list together.

I'm not going to comment on your relationship issues because they extend far beyond a meal if you think your wife is trying to kill you. That's a horrible accusation to make.
From an eating pov, lots of places will give you large portions. Most restaurants and cafes will 'plate up' more than you need. You have to take responsibility for judging your own portion size and eating accordingly. You're not a child. Your parents aren't forcing you to eat it. This is your health. Treat it with the seriousness and respect it deserves.

You sound like bit of a victim. You don’t have to eat what’s on your plate, you are not a waste disposal unit. Push aside the fatty bits and eat what suits your dietary needs. If your wife doesn’t get it and isn’t presenting enough salads and leafy veg to fill you up, stop on your way home and buy a plain salad bowl or some frozen veg.

Maybe she doesn’t realise how you are determined to make changes to your eating habits. Sounds like you’ve been together a long time. She likes to feed you and you’ve been a plate clearer. Time for a calm, serious chat I think

do you even have time to eat what a long day

realy you0 dont have to accuse her to her face of trying to kill you-just sit her down and explain u need to sort out what meals are healthy for you

I don't understand why your DW is going to SW but not cooking SW meals at home. Does she cook separately for herself? Why can't you eat SW meals? Perhaps cooking for you is her way of giving herself permission to eat off plan herself?

ReginaGeorgeIsAFuglySlut

Just a suggestion but if you are so highly paid.... Where does the op say he is highly paid?

I have sympathy OP - some of the posts here are just mean. "Just eat less" type comments are disingenuous and something tells me that if you were female and it was your DH who was doing this there would be a lot more understanding. Given that you have discussed your issues and you are trying to lose weight it seems like a deliberate gesture to cook up such an unbelievably rich over-the-top dinner. It does sound rather passive aggressive on her part actually, is she resentful of you for some reason? I don't seriously think she's trying to finish you off btw but perhaps is being petty about something. Does she resent being the "cook" in the family, I get that since she doesn't work it seems fair but she may actually really hate cooking itself. I do the majority of the cooking because I enjoy it and also I'm a bit of a control freak about being healthy so it works out but I get tired of always having to consider a meat item (I'm vegetarian, DH is not and considers a meal sans meat to be unappealing most of the time).

It sounds like you work hard and I understand feeling knackered at the end of a long day but you're going to have to take more of a lead in coming up with healthier dinner ideas I think. Do some online research and find some recipes you both think look good (and not too much trouble for her to make.) Do have the option of a barbecue grill? It's been a lifesaver for me to quickly cook veggies and bit of meat on without much fuss and minimal prep and clean up.

I would say exactly the same to a woman as I did to the Op because I am a woman who has had to deal with very similar issues. It's all very well to suggest WW and SW but both plans need participants to take control and follow the advice. That's what I had to do and it works if you do it but nobody's going to do it for you. Unfortunately on mn there's a bit of an assumption that "support" should just be blanket agreement. You're not doing the op's health and weightloss any favours by telling him he's not responsible for what he puts in his mouth. His weight issue is not caused solely by his evening meal. He's conveniently forgotten to tell us what else he's eating during the day. His weight problem will never be addressed while he doesn't make a concerted effort to make change and better choices. He's not a dependent toddler waiting for mummy to feed him, he's a grown ass man. Plenty of hard working men manage to control their own health even if, God forbid, the inhumanity, their spouse is not in paid employment!

I can see how you would feel totally undermined by this OP. You must be really quite worried about your health :(

It is really unfair of her to not support you and respect your needs, (that is medical needs!) with this. As you say she has all day to eat what and how she likes. And yes I do think that if she really has chosen not to work then she does 'owe you' some cooking.

I think I would also feel suspicious about someone that just won't care about your needs. It is similar to openly drinking alcohol around an alcoholic who is trying to quit. It might not be that she is trying to kill you, but it is a rather hostile act from her. Abusive some would say. Certainly she needs to be showing more concern for your wellbeing

I just want to say congratulations on trying to lose weight! That's a huge achievement and your frustration tonight shows how much you value this step you've made.

I'd talk calmly with your wife, it seems like she might have been trying to do something nice for you. Having said that, she has either been absent minded, forgotten or is unaware of what healthy cooking might constitute. You're not being unreasonable because you haven't been listened to. Try and communicate with her again. Best of luck!

Cook you own separate meals.

You can control the portion size by splitting the meal into two or three and then adding a load of salad of something on your plate...

Cook you own separate meals

That's hardly helpful advice, is it? The wife does the cooking as the OP is out at work long hours.

Hey Op if you are still here and haven’t been scared off by some of the harsh replies i hope you take some of the good advice here.

I wonder if this might also be an insecurity thing for your wife. She might worry if you lose weight and become more attractive you will leave her.
I think it would be great to do SW together as a team.

Also don’t know if this is possible but if you can I would say look at reducing your hours. A bit more relaxing would likely be good for your health too.

The first thing you need to do is reduce your working hours - maybe your wife could get a part time job.

Is it unhelpful advice? If the issue is causing that much upset then even someone who works long hours can come home and make a quick 12-30 minute meal suitable for their needs. Millions do it every day through choice or necessity.

Just because his wife chose to stay at home leaving her the time to make dinner for them both, does not mean she can't have her own meal separately or together with him later if she chooses.

Such a small inconvenience for the resolution of an issue which never should have deteriorated to this point. If it's all been talked to death and she is just being obstinate to make a point then take the issue out of her hands.

I think the least the wife can do is support her husband when his health is so much at risk by making him meals that will help him lose weight and not make him food that she knows will hinder him.

Who wants to come home when you've been working 14 hours plus and start making meals, when your partner has been home all day?

I wonder if the OP had posted he was an alcoholic who never bought alcohol, but would finish any bottle brought into the house by his wine-loving wife, everyone would be telling him he was the problem and should just not put it in his mouth.

If not making the food available is the only way that has a chance of succeeding then a spouse should be capable of co-operating.