Annoyed With Tonight’s Dinner

[jamesk0001]

I am very overweight. It’s my fault. I can’t control my appetite and binge eat. I know it’s a problem and I am getting help. I have also been diagnosed with a heart condition and she knows I am not allowed certain foods – specifically mentioned – garlic bread – it’s a killer, curries – takeaway and restaurant amongst others.

I also work 14 to 16 hours a day and my wife has chosen not to work. As I don't get home till about 8pm, we have agreed that as I work, she will cook.

I have asked her to try and cook more healthily, her portion control is very poor (like using a pound of meat for 2 people) and I was brought up to not waste food - to the extent that I wasn’t allowed to leave the table without clearing the plate and being forced by my parents to sit at the table until I finished up or fell asleep and still now find it very difficult to leave an empty plate.

I have been away for a few days with work and got home to spaghetti carbonara made with a nearly a pound of fried bacon, parmesan cheese, fried mushrooms and two baguettes of garlic bread for 2 people!

I have actually accused her of trying to kill me and we had a row – last thing I need after been away for 4 days. I have a £650k life insurance policy so I am wondering now if she really is!

Feeling really low at the mo as she has stormed off to see a friend - so I may as well have stayed away with work.

I don't know what Slimming World teaches, but could you take a healthy cooking class together? Even a one day workshop? Do something that gets you on the same page?
No to ready plated meals and yes to getting used to putting leftovers in the fridge or freezer.

@henry

On MN anything more than a lick of an icecube and a handful of quinoa is greedy and decadent.

So, what do you suggest iamyourequal?

How can he make his wife make healthy food for him?

James, she is being really, really unsupportive.

Your parents approach to food was abusive. I know it may have been common at the time but forcing you to eat like that is horrible.

Would you consider counselling?

I would be surprised if your wife was actually trying to kill you but she may Well be playing weird power games. Or for you to be her smokescreen because she is unable to stick to her own Weight Watchers diet. Or she may be a ‘feeder’ and be seeking attention / affection in return for lavish food.

Tell her you would like to take over the cooking so she needs to get a job.

So have a fucking salad!
Why are you accusing your dw of trying to kill you for the life insurance with pasta?
Surely this is a joke

So here's the thing

If someone is trying to kill you with large portions of fattening foods , don't eat it. Or eat a very small amount of it

Then you don't die and you win

No , honestly, no thanks are necessary - it's my pleasure

I'll shut the door on my way out

If she knows slimming world why don't you do that together

I've jumped more or less to the end, to say: I get where the OP is coming from.

She does not work in a paid (thus, with-strings... role). She is not at home frantically, soul-destroyingly caring for young DC.

So, IMO, she should be supporting you in losing weight.

You get your dinner plated and put in front of you. Frankly, if I were supporting my family via 14-16 hour days, with a SAH partner, I'd expect my dinner to be plonked in front of me.

But, were I low cal, or low carb, or SW or whatever, I'd hope my partner would plonk my plate and say' OK, this is what I've made- the curry is low carb, had to dash to Asda to get whatevs; I know the rice doesn't look like what you'd normally get, but try it! It's cauliflower rice/konjac rice, but I've bulked it with extra veg and I hope, loads of flavouring. Hope you like it- and, did you remember to drink 2-3 litres of water today?'. Were I super dedicated, I'd say 'Your breakfast was x cals/ y carbs; your lunch was x/y; this is x and y. I know you feel hungry, would you like a few nuts or a matchbox bit of cheese?- but we're plotting your weight and look how it's coming down! Well done, I'm proud of you'.

Shall we try and schedule a decent walk this weekend?

That's what I'd do, were I a loving partner.

My ex was morbidly obese - before/during and after we were together. He would take no responsibility for his weight issues - it was his mother’s fault, them he wanted me to monitor and control what he was eating but would eat a ton of crap when I wasn’t about. I told him he was the only person putting his food in his mouth and that I wasn’t the diet police.

Who does the shopping? Can you do it together and steal her towards healthier options?
Maybe you should buy a healthy cookbook and talk through the recipes and decide what you want to eat.
You have to take some responsibility if your wife hasn’t learnt how to cook healthy meals or learnt about portion sizes it’s going to be difficult initially. Help her.
Regarding the life policy if you think this is a genuine concern - tell her your leaving it all to the cat’s home.

Have a fucking salad? His wife doesn't make a salad. Or do you suggest the OP comes in after working 14 hours and starts chopping and slicing?

People are being really unkind in this thread.

Parents who force their kids to finish their plate set their kids up for a lifetime of bad eating habits and higher risk of obesity.

It's hard for adults with that background to break free from what their parents trained into them for 18 years.

What you eat is your responsibility op, but I would be very upset too if my other half prepared food that I am not supposed to have. It's very selfish and unsupportive imo, dieting is hard enough without having that sort of temptation put in your way. The only thing you can do is try to have a reasonable conversation about it, or buy healthy ready meals as a pp suggested. Not ideal but at least your portions would be under control.

If someone I loved had a heart condition I would not be cooking them a massive dinner of saturated fats and processed carbs and flouncing off when he didn’t eat it.

The responses are different, if this had been roles reversed it would not of got past page 1 with the cock lodger comments and totally derailed. If you watch the extreme weight loss programmes an “enabler” is very common. No matter how hard the person tries to stick to the diet the other person is constantly sabotaging. Usually through love or fear due to their own self esteem.

Maybe both sign up to an eating plan so she can get educated on portion control and calorie content. Weigh watchers is good.

I have been away for a few days with work and got home to spaghetti carbonara made with a nearly a pound of fried bacon, parmesan cheese, fried mushrooms and two baguettes of garlic bread for 2 people

Well that's just taking the piss really. It's like she deliberately cooked the least appropriate meal she could think of.

I agree that if she does not work, she should cook. Alternatively you need to half your hours - do you need to work such long hours, do you have one of those jobs where they expect stupid hours, can you work fewer hours or take a lower paid job?

And she needs to either get a job to fill the hole in your budget or put up with the drop in lifestyle. If you have more time, you can cook for yourself.

Try batch cooking at the weekend. Pinch of Nom, Two Chubby Cubs and the Hairy Bikers are good for healthy recipes that are Slimming World friendly, which might help with your over eating issues because if you stick to the free foods, which are mostly healthy unprocessed food like lean meat, veg, eggs and pulses, you don't need to worry so much about portion sizes. You then need to severely restrict junk and bread. Maybe if you and your wife ever talk to each other again, you can have a look at the sites together and pick out some recipes to try. Maybe try to cook one day a week at the weekend, to show willing even if the work/hours stuff doesn't change.

She's a feeder!

To all those saying, just eat a bit of it, scrape some off the plate. That's bollocks. A small plate of carbonara is an unhealthy supper. Pasta is not good for weight loss. Especially pasta in a fat laden sauce. With fatty bread. It's total sabotage and your DW is fully aware of this. And she's been doing it to you for years OP

£650K eh?

Leave the wife. Come and live with me. I'll cook you healthy meals!

I had an ex partner who was similar. I was morbidly obese. I was desperately trying to diet. I lost a couple of stone, started to feel better, at which point ex started sabotaging. Refused to make anything healthy when he cooked. Everything has creamy sauces and extra fat, bacon added etc. Refused to let me weigh or measure anything so I could calorie count. Massive portions on plate and then got in a sulk and was v passive aggressive with me if I didn’t finish, going on and on and on about how I must not like his food and he worked hard and I’ve not eaten it.

When I cooked, he would complain if I chose to use skimmed milk or, say, leave off butter on new potatoes. He used to stand over me in the kitchen and make me put butter on his plate and then say oh go on, it’s so much nicer when you have decent flavour.

He was very controlling in other ways and eventually violent. But controlling a partner’s food in this way, refusing to support them when they are trying to improve their health, is abusive.

This woman is at SW! Of course she knows carbonara and garlic bread isn’t ok.

OP; if I were you, I’d have a conversation about healthy food choices. SW stuff would be perfect. If she refuses, buy yourself a stack of SW ready meals, and if she presents you with the unhealthy stuff, take it back to the kitchen and pointedly go and cook the ready meal. Not ideal at all but Hopefully it won’t take long of making a point like this for her to realise you are serious.

I was forced to finish my plate as a child. It makes me quite emotional even as a grown woman with my own adult DC.

I cannot bear being handed an over-loaded plate of food. Makes me quite churned up inside, and I know others find it hard to comprehend. Even though I know I don't have to eat it all, it sets up an emotional response inside me - a kind of mix of fear, loathing, disgust and anger. Odd, huh? But it's real to me.

Do weight watchers app at 12.99 a month. a friend did it and lost 50kgs in 7 months.

I think your wife doesn't know how to be healthy, and no offence meant. Maybe you need to really get everyone on board. Like you I am starving when i get home. So i like a big soup of veggies etc to warm up and fill me instead of grazing. I carry fruit in my bag with me so I can munch on when I get sugar lows. I steam so many veggies.. eat lots of pulses... you know, you get into it. Now I resent and cringe eating fake processed foods.....

You honey. You are the captain of your ship. And if you want to live, maybe you have to do this yourself. I find protein starves off sugar cravings and have a couple of boiled eggs tucked away... shhhh. it's all about being prepared. Good luck. My mum's a feeder and my dad was in intensive care with heart surgury.....

TwoBlueShoes

So, what do you suggest iamyourequal?
How can he make his wife make healthy food for him?
Good question! I think his best option is to tell her he would like to follow SW (which is all low fat) and so all his meals are to be SW compliant. If she fails to do this, I’d be really worried that she truly doesn’t care about helping him lose weight or trying to support him. If it comes to this I’d be seriously questioning the whole point of their relationship.

I hope the OP does come back. There have been some really horrible, unkind comments but also a lot of posters with more empathy and understanding.

A couple should support each other and care for each other - that doesn't seem to be happening here. There is no excuse for a SAHM with no children at home not to cook a decent meal. The OP shouldn't need to sort his own food out after working such long hours.

A couple of years ago my dp was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He was very overweight and this was a real wake up call for him. We'd got into some bad, lazy habits and I decided to support him by changing the way we ate as a family (which would also be healthier for me and our dd).

What worked for us was:
buying a couple of new recipe books with tasty, healthy recipes
printing off a load of recipes (mainly from the Diabetes UK website) and sticking them in the folder
Using the recipes to create a weekly menu
Doing a weekly shop based on the menu

This really helped by improving our portion control (we hadn't realized how much we were overeating at mealtimes), by reducing the amount of carbs we eat, by increasing the amount of veg we eat and by reducing our snacking (instead of coming in from work and eating a few slices of toast while we wondered what to cook, we now come home from work and get straight on with cooking dinner)

OP, would something like this work for you?

Even if your wife is doing the actual cooking, you probably need to sit down together and talk about how essential it is for your health to lose weight and what sort of meals you would both enjoy and which would be healthy for you.

I wish you lots of luck. You can do this....... i wrote a food diary, and had a plan. I used the AA mantra 'look after today, tomorrow is another day' which is totally different from the diet mantra which is 'screew it, i'll do it tomorrow'... I am an emotial eater, if I am angry or sad it can be really messy..

The inside of my fridge is like a veggie market.... and get rid of all prepackaged foods. This is exciting.... And get a 30 min walk in on the morning.... it'll help with wellbeing. Get your wife along.. It boosts mood, and you can walk and talk.. If she pushed you out infront of a lorry maybe she is trying to finish you off.

Freeze peeled bananas instead of icecream..... man, the freezer is my friend.

Are you ok with your wife "choosing not to work?" I would be annoyed too. I have to watch my weight as I have high blood pressure which runs in my family. DH is thin. I cook low fat meals and have said if he wants higher calorie meals he has to shop and cook for them. We are both early retired.

I think it is more of an issue that you work 15 hour days and your wife doesn't work at all. I would be telling her to get a job and you reduce your hours and cook your own meals.