Annoyed With Tonight’s Dinner

[jamesk0001]

I am very overweight. It’s my fault. I can’t control my appetite and binge eat. I know it’s a problem and I am getting help. I have also been diagnosed with a heart condition and she knows I am not allowed certain foods – specifically mentioned – garlic bread – it’s a killer, curries – takeaway and restaurant amongst others.

I also work 14 to 16 hours a day and my wife has chosen not to work. As I don't get home till about 8pm, we have agreed that as I work, she will cook.

I have asked her to try and cook more healthily, her portion control is very poor (like using a pound of meat for 2 people) and I was brought up to not waste food - to the extent that I wasn’t allowed to leave the table without clearing the plate and being forced by my parents to sit at the table until I finished up or fell asleep and still now find it very difficult to leave an empty plate.

I have been away for a few days with work and got home to spaghetti carbonara made with a nearly a pound of fried bacon, parmesan cheese, fried mushrooms and two baguettes of garlic bread for 2 people!

I have actually accused her of trying to kill me and we had a row – last thing I need after been away for 4 days. I have a £650k life insurance policy so I am wondering now if she really is!

Feeling really low at the mo as she has stormed off to see a friend - so I may as well have stayed away with work.

That was meant to be WW not WE.

I think those advising OP to just have a smaller portion don't know what it's like to have disordered eating. For someone who has issues with binge eating, poor impulse control around food and anxiety about leaving food it's really not as simple as just leaving half, or having a smaller plate.

OP - I think you were a bit out of order to accuse her of trying to kill you. From her perspective she's put together a nice home cooked meal and been greeted with total fury by you. I don't think that's very fair.

But I also think that she doesn't sound very supportive of your dietary needs, and I can see why you find that frustrating.

A solution might be a meal delivery service like hello fresh - they can be quite pricey so depends if you have the funds but they would give you back some control over what you are eating as you could choose which meals. They are also quick and easy to prepare so would save your wife some work.

Another option would be to have a ready supply of salad ingredients to hand so that even if she cooks something unhealthy you can ask her to make sure your plate is at least half salad. Spaghetti carbonara isn't the worst thing in the world if it's half a plate of pasta and the rest salad.

It's very hard to take the emotions out of eating after a lifetime of it - I speak from experience. And I absolutely understand your frustration and upset. I hope you can find a happy way forward.

Sounds like you are working hard to improve weight which is great and good for you.

It might be a change for your wife too.
Maybe she really enjoys making you treat meals and this will be a big change for her too.
Can you calmly chat with her about meals. Suggest you portion up your own plates and freeze the rest. Could you also plan some meals together? Look at some healthier options and plan 6 healthy one treat?

I think maybe both of you just need to make some changes. Good luck

You know what? Good for you for recognising that meals not going to help. Good for you for being annoyed. Good for you for (I hope) not accepting it and eating it all. Your mind set right now is strong.

However; your wife is not your keeper, she's not responsible for your body. Yes she should be supportive, however she's probably used to cooking these types of meals, and it's probably what (used to) make you happy. Don't blame her, just explain that you now will have half of that, and perhaps we could have it with less cheese/bacon etc. Suggest a salad instead of garlic bread. Cook yourself! You set the example. Don't be mad at her, thank her for her efforts and for cooking dinner, and ask her "maybe tomorrow we could have chicken and veggies" etc. Weight loss is hard too, you want as many people on your side and to turn to. Don't lose her support and love. She'll understand how serious you are once you stick to it and will follow suit with her meals once you show her. Go you.

I was forced to clean my plate as a child and in adulthood I have actually gone the other way -- I very often leave something, sometimes just a token mouthful, just to assert my own control.

What I am saying is that you having been made to eat everything when younger does not force you into the same pattern now. I would look into some kind of hypnosis or counselling to try and take control back.

I would also be upset at such an unhealthy choice as carbonara plus garlic bread, though!

Also there is an unbelievable level of cruelty on this thread - I assume none of you have issues around food and disordered / emotional eating and all I can say is you should be grateful because it's incredibly difficult, and being shamed and abused like OP has been does absolutely nothing to help. Shame on you for being so cruel to somebody struggling with an illness.

Do you know what? I'd leave! Wife has "chosen" not to work?? Yet you do 16 hours a day. She is not supporting you even though you have asked her to. She has stomred off instead af talking things through with you.

You sound low and tired and it all sounds a bit dreary. Leave. Re-think the work/life balance. Take up a sport or something you enjoy - walking maybe. You deserve to enjoy your life and your home.

I don't know how old you are or if you have kids but there is a life to be lived - and this is not it.

I would also be annoyed with this. I get annoyed when my DH brings loads of chocolate into the house-I have no will power if in the house but won’t buy it when out

OP you need to be doing more cooking.

If you are working 15 hours a day you need a serious think about your whole lifestyle, not just your food.

What do you do that requires such long hours? That's twice as many hours than most full time jobs.

'It was all plated up'

'Thanks love, I'll just have a quarter of that with some salad. I'll save the rest for tomorrow.'

Finds Tupperware pot and scrapes 3/4 in. Puts in fridge.

Not that difficult.

Agree that you should help yourself and no food should be plated. I hate the concept anyway, how can anyone guess how hungry someone will or won't be.

Prepare the menus of the week together, and do your online shopping together. Your wife will end up cooking, and she is not the maid, but if her recipes are unhealthy, decide things in advance together.

If she is going to slimming world, she doesn't have a good relationship with food at all.

The arrangement sounds really fair if you work so she doesn't have to, but you might have to make it less fair and take more charge of meal planning, at least for a few weeks.

If you have been diagnosed with a heart condition, can you be referred to a nutritionist - even if it takes months to see one? You could go together with your wife.

You do need to do some work on yourself, for example you didn't need to eat the garlic bread- but I agree, it shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Try those meals where they send all the ingredients and you just have to cook them. That will give an idea of portion size.
You could go to slimming world or weight watchers and cook your own food. In this weather you can eat loads of salad, cold chicken or fish, not too complicated.

I think if this is a common problem, I'd just eat at work or on the way home. It sounds like you can afford to do this or batch cook yourself some healthy meals at the weekend to eat in the evening.

Could you eat your main meal at lunchtime instead?

to all the mean posters above, what about the OP asks his wife to get a full time job so he can reduce his hours and do his own cooking?
If his wife has the luxury to not work, expecting him to reduce his hours and/or do his own cooking is taking the piss.

Some posters are really not understanding, but if the OP was posting as a female, the answers would be a hell lot more supportive (why is your lazy DH not working would be the first one).

Can you get into the habit of putting half your plate in a Tupperware for lunch the next day? They psychologically you aren't wasting it, your wife can see you are being serious about your weight loss and you are cutting down on the calories by having one meal over 2 days. Agree about the work. If you have no mortgage and no kids at home, why are you working such long hours? You don't sound as if you like each other that much, what with the accusing her of trying to kill you for the life insurance and the 'she's chosen not to work'. Is that part of the reason for the long working hours? If so, you need to do something to make the marriage better. Then she may listen to you and work with you and you may be able to work less.

Can you go to Slimming World with your wife and support each other through your weightloss?

Maybe going to the meetings and finding new meal options as a couple would be massively helpful. It is quite stressful having to cook for somebody all the time (especially if they do have food issues.)

You need to be more proactive around your own diet and sit down together with your wife and plan meals together. However you also need to take responsibility for your own needs. Perhaps you can agree to cook/eat separately on the odd night.

Although carbonara is not a healthy meal - you need to think about what else you are eating over the course of a day. If you are at work for 16 hours what are you eating there?

Sorry - missed the line about kids grown up - skim-read.

And yes, she does not want you to lose weight. She feels more in control if you are fatter and working hard and tired.

Sort the money out and go.

That was a bit thoughtless, especially that type of dish. Even a small portion is something to avoid for health and weight loss.

I'm not overweight but also have the same feeling about wasting food and trouble resisting food that is there. I can't even have junk food in the house for anyone else, because I know it's there and end up eating it! It's a psychological thing from childhood with me too, it's common to have a relationship with food like that! I just don't put myself in the position of falling for it and I have many replacement options to keep myself healthy.

I also find that if I'm not strict with what I eat, just one breaking healthy will end up with many more. So I couldn't have a small or regular potion of something I'd prefer not to be eating regularly. Chips one day and three months later I'm wondering what on earth happened and why none of my clothes come near to fitting!

Maybe if she does something like this, have your own things in the fridge or freezer as backup, throwing together a really filling salad based meal doesn't take and cooking, just throwing all together. That way you can say no thank you and avoid completely.

A really useful (and tasty filling) backup you could have in the house is fancy beans on toast. Get a rich wholemeal style bread, put it in the freezer, a extra low fat cheese spread like philadelphia and some tins of beans. All you have to do is toast the bread, you won't be tempted to add it or eat it otherwise because it's frozen and although delicious, lets face it who craves wholemeal tasty bread, put the low fat philadelphia on, then pour beans over. You get creamy taste, its hot, tomato taste and its yummy when it all soaks in together. Super healthy, low calorie and with three slices and one tin of beans you have a very full plate and feel full. I'm slim and I lose and keep weight of using this, it tastes so good.

650k huh:)

Any chance it's an SW recipe OP? (You says she's been going for a couple of years?)

I use a Pinch of Nom recipe for Carbonara/germicidal bread that is really lovely!

Quite possibly missed the point of the thread...

*garlic bread

You blame your wife for cooking the wrong food (how hard is it for you to make a quick salad to go with a meal?!)

You blame your parents for making you finish your plate even though your childhood is long gone

You present yourself as a helpless victim with no free will

You are the one eating what you eat. There are options, choices, there are shops that sell tomatoes and carrots

Stop blaming everybody else. Take responsibility for your own health. Such weak excuses, such a blame game...

OP, it's notable how your predicament is absolutely everyone else's fault except your own. When are you going to take charge of your own life?

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt
I am very overweight. It’s my fault. I can’t control my appetite and binge eat. I know it’s a problem and I am getting help