AIBU to think that Purplebricks don't actually need to know whether I'm married?

[borlottibeans]

All I want to do is book a fucking viewing!!!

The only options are Mr, Mrs, Miss or Dr. I was very tempted to put Dr but didn't want to have to keep explaining to people that I've faked a PhD out of spite.

NobodysMot

What does the coffee symbol mean? Is it nice or is it like the dreaded biscuit? 😂🙈

It would be hilarious - little Lord Fauntleroy!!! - because I do think “Miss” is a particularly “young” title and they should be subjected to the same 😂 having said all of this, I am in my late twenties and people in shops have started to refer to me as “Ma’am” rather than “Miss” and the first time it made me run home to check my grey hairs 🙈

Do people really genuinely in real life get bothered by this sort of shit or is it just on mumsnet.

Hopefully you've now realised that it is a real life issue.

I haven't been 'Miss' since I was about 12, and have never used any of the other 3. So why should I now lie or use something inaccurate?

karyatide

I suppose the Baroness hasn’t “earnt” it either! I just wouldn’t do it because it’s factually inaccurate. I’m sure you get better postal service that way though!

I prefer not to give a title at all because whatever I give will be used as a shortcut to categorise me. Often though I am forced to give a title. If on the phone the person asks -
'Is that Miss or Mrs?'
'Why is my marital status relevant to the provision of electricity. Do I get a different sort of electricity if I am married?' (I might imagine this bit and just ask why my title is relevant!)
'I must just have a title for the form'
'Well if you must then it is Dr
'Oh, sorry about that Dr'

Strangely enough the electricity seems the same regardless of whether I am married or not or whether I worked really hard about 20 years ago. I totally understand that some people like their titles but I think in this century there should be an option for no title. Many people who know me well wouldn't be aware of my title and why should they. Same with people who don't know me, why does someone in a call centre need to know my marital and educational status?

shouldwestayorshouldwego

But why do you mind someone knowing your marital status? I’m not being goady, I swear. I just want to understand why it bothers you. Even if it’s irrelevant to the electricity or whatever it’s for, why wouldn’t you just be fine giving the information out?

crispysausagerolls No, I understand that you're not being goady. The best way I can describe it is, because it is just one tiny little thing in a whole mountain of things that continually treat women in a different way to men (in this case, the implication that women's marital status is a matter of wider social concern, while men's isn't) and thus work against a genuinely equal society. Of course each one can easily be dismissed on its own, but it's part of a system and you can only dismantle it - at the risk of punning on the fact that this started with Purple Bricks - brick by brick, no matter how insignificant that brick may appear.

My title is Dr so they still won't know what my marital status is so I am not sure why I would tell them whether I am married or not crispy . I just prefer not to use any title sometimes though it isn't an option and I am forced to use a title, why should I have to use a title?

But why do you mind someone knowing your marital status?

Because a) it isn’t relevant. b) because society hasn’t yet reached the point where you aren’t judged on your ability to catch a man c) i don’t base my value on my marital status, so why should i give others the opportunity to do so.

Even in my school peer group being unmarried at 25 was something to be pitied. There was something wrong with a woman who couldn’t get a man to marry them.

My own mother tried to get me to wear a wedding band when i had my first child. The humiliation and embarassment when i met her friends and they might think i was an unmarried mother.

The ladies in m&s coffee shop where i sat next to them feeding my baby dc. Commenting on the group of mummies two tables down and “how nice it was to see them all wearing wedding bands”. In my hearing and deliberately loud enough for me to hear.

Same as all the people who use mrs and are offended by ms. Why is it so important the electricity man knows you are married?

The amount of times when marital status us revealed- when suddenly the account defaults to the male. When i bought my house, in my sole name, the EA addressed dh primarily, and post came through addressed to mr and mrs dp surname.

Women are judged on marital status and the respectability it lends. I refuse to be judged.

I also grew up with a single mother in the 80’s when divorce was still scandalous. The amount of times she would be accepted for a credit card, mortgage, a special offer, or buy now pay in 6 months, only for the offer to be withdrawn when it came to them finding out she had no husband. Widowed, and my dad left her financially independent, but that made no difference.

Nobody needs to know my marital status.

I totally get the frustration at not having the option to have a title neutral as to marital status as men take for granted; it's why I use my academic title. BUT how do you pronounce Ms?

If Mr is Mister then surely Ms is Mistress? For centuries it was a title of respect for an adult woman, implying she had some independence and status of her own. I think it was Louis XIV who made 'mistress' a title of status for his 'official mistress' maitresse-en-titre - and wrecked it for every other woman since. I refuse to be hissed at with 'Ms'.

I think the best option we have to is adopt the French way; if a woman looks old enough to be married then she's automatically Madame [Surname] or simply Madame. If she doesn't look old enough to be married, she's Mademoiselle. If in doubt use Madame. That way a man doesn't risk offending a woman; a young girl wouldn't object to being called Madame but the reverse would definitely be rude, IMHO.

Simple.

reallyanotherone and MrsSteptoe

Thank you both for giving me such long and detailed answers! I can understand what both of you are saying - and I think that’s particularly awful reallyanotherone to have felt so judged by your own mother, and those awful women in M&S 😡 I wish that we lived in a society where simply being Mrs or Miss or Ms didn’t mean anything other than marital status etc and that that in itself meant nothing, people weren’t remotely judged by it. But I can see that isn’t the case, sadly.

I suppose also say if I was buying my groceries I wouldn't put all my stuff on the conveyor belt and say 'oh by the way I am married/ not married/have a Doctorate etc. So why would I announce it when buying electricity/ sofa/ house / car? I just don't see the relevance. If I meet someone for the first time, say a parent of one of my children I wouldn't kick off the conversation by finding out if they were married or how much education they had, they would think I was chatting them up, so why would I offer the same information to a complete stranger on the phone? Many of my children's friend's parents probably don't know what my title is, whether I am married to their father and some are even surprised to find out that I work. As I say I have no problem if you want to say 'Hi my name is crispy and I am married, and never did do a PhD or go into the church', but I don't feel that I need to give that information for myself.

shouldwestayorshouldwego

Is your only objection just that it’s not relevant/anyone’s business? (I don’t mean only as in “it’s not enough of an objection”, I mean only as in singular)

I think my main reason is that it isn't and shouldn't be relevant for most things, other than dating. As a sub point I always hated being called Miss it felt like the bottom of the pile (when I was younger). Also I just don't think of myself as Dr Shouldwesayorshouldwego, I just think of myself as Should. I would be quite happy to have mail addressed without any title at all, just first name last name. What is even crazier is some companies make a point of insisting on a title and then don't use it in addressing mail, what's that all about?

What is even crazier is some companies make a point of insisting on a title and then don't use it in addressing mail, what's that all about?

I think data collection and marketing was mentioned earlier.

So if you’re miss they can send you ads for frivolous pink unicorn crap and stationary.

If you’re mrs you’ll get homeware and boden offers.

Mr will be typical male beer and football crap. They don’t need to know marital status because you’ll have a wife or mother that deals with all that shit.

Who knows about ms. Sensible sandals and donation requests for cats protection?

What is even crazier is some companies make a point of insisting on a title and then don't use it in addressing mail, what's that all about?

I think reallyanotherone is spot on! This is the only conceivably reason that I can think of as well - I wonder what Master would receive?

I use the cup of tea as a kind 'ah put the kettle on there'. Less hun-ish than a hug. HORRIFIED :-p that it was mistaken for a biscuit!! @crispysausagerolls

I am really really amazed that so many people agree that “Ms” conjures up a stereotype along the lines of ”Bitter divorcee or militant hairy legged bra burning feminist”. I genuinely have always seen and used it as a benign title used by a woman out of her teens and either not married or not wanting to take her husband’s name.

What's just as bad is that I have a double barrelled name, and one idiot assumed that meant I was married.......

I might be missing the point here... but Purplebricks do have a reason for this and it's very long and boring but out of their control.

I would put Dr just for fun

Good luck with the house search!

Can you explain oneDay? Is it to do with regulation in relation to money laundering controls? If checks have to be done they’re going to ask for full ID when the time comes (not before a viewing) because anyone could make a mistake on an online drop down menu. And one of their options is Dr which reveals nothing about marital status.

SalemBlackCat
I'm the other way. I hate this 'Ms' thing. It sounds like a disease. Like Multiple Sclerosis or something. Like it removes my humanity and makes me just a thing. And 'it'. Miss or Mrs for me, I chew out anyone who ever dares de-humanise me by calling me a 'Ms'.

WTAF what a horrible post. And you're within your rights to be offended by it but there's absolutely no need to have a go at someone addressing you by a perfectly respectful title. See PP saying people going batshit on her for using Ms when she is only trying to be polite.
Ive worked in offices where we received forms from people, & have to give them an initial call. If its just female name and no title given then when I make that initial call I would say "hello is that Ms so&so?" as to me personally, and to the vast majority of people i come across, I do not want to say "Is that Miss or Mrs?" as it is none of my business & totally irrelevant.
If someone corrects me and says MISS or MRS i will say thank you and use that but if you chew my ear off about it im just going to think your a cunt
But regardless, on most online forms the system WILL NOT let you proceed further until you put SOMETHING in from that stupid little drop down. And its not down to the overworked call handler to change the system, theyre just trying to help you & get your call done efficiently.
If you have an issue with a company, email their head office or whatever. Dont take it out on this one individual who certainly does not have permissions, access or power to change the fucking form.
HTH

And FWIW i have been using Ms since a teenager & last time i checked i was still human

Or am i..... 😂

I fully sympathise with waves above. It’s interesting though, as in the case of the phone calls the title is obviously needed because it is felt appropriate to refer to a person as Title plus Surname in order to be polite. Then people can get upset if the wrong title is used. I sort of get that- before I was married and I got a call when someone addressed me as Mrs MaidenName it just sounded utterly utterly wrong - it was my Mum’s name! I would always correct because to me it sounded as wrong as it would if they had called me Mrs Jones. However I did try to correct politely as it was just a factual mistake, not that the person was using a form of address that offended me.

Anyway I am now wondering- those people who are upset if someone like Waves rings you and calls you Ms Smith - would you be offended if she said “Hello, is that Jane Smith?” and called you Jane for the rest of the call. In my professional life that is exactly what we do but there is I think still a sense in the sort of public-facing world that a title is needed for politeness. My Dad always used to joke that in TV medical dramas when the paramedics were trying to revive someone they’d say “Jim!Jim!” and he would say he’d always find enough strength to say “It’s Mr Smith to you!”

I think Ms is becoming more mainstream although some people still seem put out when I use it.
I used it when married as I did not take my husband's name and still as I am divorced.It has somehow been more acceptable now I am divorced.
My only objection is that it looks OK on paper but doesn't sound right verbally so I skip it and use my first name.