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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that Purplebricks don't actually need to know whether I'm married?

207 replies

borlottibeans · 21/06/2018 20:42

All I want to do is book a fucking viewing!!!

The only options are Mr, Mrs, Miss or Dr. I was very tempted to put Dr but didn't want to have to keep explaining to people that I've faked a PhD out of spite.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 22/06/2018 14:07

nocoolnamesleft

He has a ring which he loves to wear. That’s the only societal norm in place for men to display that they are married. Doesn’t bother me personally but if it bothers some women I can see they might not like to change their prefix. Mind you when we were on honeymoon I had booked all of the hotels and therefore he was known as “Mr Crispy” which was both hilarious but also a bit disappointing for me as I’d wanted to be using my new name!

InsomniacAnonymous · 22/06/2018 14:29

Plural "Well on the Aldi photos website the only options are mr and mrs. I put myself as mr. I'm not a mr."

On what part of the website? If you register on that site you have the options of Mrs/Mr/Miss/Ms

shop.aldiphotos.co.uk/shop/viewNewUserForm.do?orderFlowActive=false

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 15:12

LighthouseSouth
Jessie, the Mrs Hughes thing in service jobs was to show seniority, it wasn't about respectability but hierarchy.

Surely in that world hierarchy and respectability go hand in hand? Why would a title that usually states that a woman is married be used as a signifier of seniority if there wasn’t some notion that an unmarried woman wasn’t worthy of such seniority, so let’s hide her spinster status by calling her “Mrs”?

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 15:15

Ikeepaforkinmypurse regarding the feminist undertones that you don’t accept, does that mean that you also call yourself (eg) Mrs James Smith? Or are you OK with a bit of mild feminism which allows a woman to continue to use her own given name after marriage?

LighthouseSouth · 22/06/2018 15:30

Jessie I know what you mean but I didn't want other posters to think it was another sign of Mrs = adult female.

I should probably stop watching this thread as it is surreal.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/06/2018 16:07

Crispy - so, total asymmetry. Women are expected to change their title, commonly their name, and wear a ring. Some men might wear a ring, none change their title, hardly any change their name.

And this is allegedly the 21st century.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/06/2018 16:12

does that mean that you also call yourself (eg) Mrs James Smith?
well, that's my married name, why wouldn't I call myself that? It has never hurt me professionally to be Mrs, and no one has ever looked down at me for being married.

On a practical note, it makes my life so much easier to have the same name than my kids!

People call themselves what they want, but if some women don't like Mrs, I am free not to like Ms.

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 16:15

I think you missed my point Ikeepaforkinmypurse. I was asking if you use your own given name (eg Mrs Jane Smith) or the traditional styling “Mrs James Smith” is using your husband’s first name as well.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/06/2018 16:19

that's why I replied to you that I do call myself Mrs James Smith. I can't see any problem with that.

I just don't sign "MRs.." because it doesn't sound great in most correspondence.

crispysausagerolls · 22/06/2018 16:19

nocoolnamesleft

It’s completely asymmetrical, I agree. I just don’t mind it/it doesn’t bother me and I would’ve been disappointed not to change to Mrs or to change my last name. That said, I wouldn’t have accepted it if DH didn’t want to wear a wedding ring.

crispysausagerolls · 22/06/2018 16:20

ikeepaforkinmypurse

I also wouldn’t want to go by Ms

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 16:24

So why did you then go on to talk about having the same name as your kids and being free not to like “Ms” then? What do those points have to do with using your husband’s forename?

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 16:26

For the sake of full disclosure I go by Mrs Jane Smith so I’m not a rabid lesbian feminist of the type you appear to disdain, by the way. I just drew the line at also losing my first name!

Willow2017 · 22/06/2018 16:28

Mr = adult Man
Mrs = adult Woman

Oh get real, Mrs = Married woman.

Its a clear definition of a woman once they marry. THere is no equal definition for a man, they dont change, they are still Mr whether they are married or not, they dont have to advertise their marital status to anyone. Why should we?

The common option these days is Ms. Why should we have to use Mrs if we are not married? And better still why should we lie to be accepted?

I am shocked that there was no Ms option, I havent come across that on any forms in last couple of years, tell them to get with the times!

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/06/2018 16:30

So why did you then go on to talk about having the same name as your kids and being free not to like “Ms” then? What do those points have to do with using your husband’s forename?

Confused because I was happy to change my name, and I like the traditional Mr and Mrs James Smith! I do not like Ms, do you mind?

Ideally I'd still be young enough to get away with Miss, but apparently I haven't been for quite some time.

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 16:35

But you can use Mrs, avoid “Ms” and have the same name as your husband without taking his forename!

And now you’re saying “ideally you’d be young enough to get away with “Miss”- you’re making no sense- are you saying that if you were young but married you’d try to “get away with Miss”?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/06/2018 16:40

And now you’re saying “ideally you’d be young enough to get away with “Miss”- you’re making no sense

I am saying that people call you Mrs, or Ms, because they think you are old, not because they give a damn about your marital status. I'd rather look young enough to be called Miss, i could not care less if people think I am married or not!

In practical life, I do like Mr and Mrs James Smith, I know I don't have to be called Mrs JAMES Smith, but I like it. I don't like the heavy Mr and Mrs James & Forkinpurse Smith.

reallyanotherone · 22/06/2018 17:06

On a practical note, it makes my life so much easier to have the same name than my kids!

How do you know? If you’ve always had the same name how do you it would be so much more difficult to have different names?

I have a different name to my kids and i haven’t noticed anything difficult about it.

Piecatcher · 22/06/2018 17:08

I used to work in a shop where a woman needed to order a piece of clothing. I asked her for her title to fill in her details and she went ballistic. Why does it matter if I’m married or not or if there’s a man in the house she said. All I want is a pair of jeans. I only asked so I knew how to address her when I phoned to say they had arrived. I don’t really see the issue.

Fifthtimelucky · 22/06/2018 17:12

Perhaps I am inconsistent but while I am happy to be half of Mr and Mrs James Smith, I would absolutely hate being Mrs James Smith. Fortunately no one addresses me like that.

My grandmother (born in the 1890s) was very upset when she started getting letters addressed to Mrs Jane Smith after my grandfather died. She said she had been Mrs James Smith for over 50 years and that was how she thought of herself (actually it wasn't the name but the initial, but that doesn't work in this example as both are J).

JessieMcJessie · 22/06/2018 17:29

I’m pretty sure that I was called Ms on most formal correspondence from around about the age of 18 onwards. For example I think it’s fairly standard on correspondence between universities and female undergraduates. It doesn’t denote “old” to me at all and I am surprised that others would think that it does.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/06/2018 17:58

How do you know? If you’ve always had the same name how do you it would be so much more difficult to have different names?

because I can compare frequently flying with the kids on my own with the experience of people who do not have the same name for a start! It's a very common rant on a few parenting group.

It's also a lot easier in general

reallyanotherone · 22/06/2018 18:06

because I can compare frequently flying with the kids on my own with the experience of people who do not have the same name for a start! It's a very common rant on a few parenting group

So you’re basing your opinion on parenting groups?
Can’t say i’ve ever had an issue. Neither have a couple of remarried friends.

“In general” i’ve never had an issue there either. Schools, GP’s etc manage to address dh and i correctly.

I find it much much easier not having the same name. People can’t track me down on social media or find out I have children easily (i work in a field where occasionally the wrong kind of people may threaten your family).

But if you want to tell me my experience is wrong, because of parenting groups, that’s your call.

Redglitter · 22/06/2018 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 22/06/2018 18:17

I am quoting testimonies from real people, Hmm what the hell is wrong with that? I am basing my opinion on sailing through customs where showing our passports is enough, whilst many people with different names spend a lot longer. Good for you if you are not one of them.

I don't care if you changed your name or not, I am happy I did change mine and it has made my life easier.

People can easily find out if I have kids, they just have to follow me a few times a week or just look at my garden Grin
I don't use my name on social media, so that's not an issue either.