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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men don't leave their family for no reason?

159 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 21/06/2018 14:56

AIBU to think that a man wouldn't leave his marriage, children, home and comfortable lifestyle for no good reason? There would have to be some major problem, ow, etc before 99% of men would do this?

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 21/06/2018 19:11

Again Iwannasee it works both ways.

The dad I know who ended his relationship after he found out his partner was having an affair made a huge effort in order to have 50:50 residency and have this right legally agreed. His ex partner did everything to try to stop this. Despite shared residency, he is still paying child support.

NomNomNomNom · 21/06/2018 19:13

No-one leaves a marriage for no reason. Sometimes it's a very good reason (dysfunctional relationship that can't be fixed) sometimes it's not (kids are too much work, not the picture book life they imagined etc).

flamingofridays · 21/06/2018 19:20

I don't understand why you'd sing the praises of someone who would stay in a relationship which was miserable just for the kids?

It's not a good thing?

moodance · 21/06/2018 19:21

@BobLemon excellent post ... can relate to this.

moodance · 21/06/2018 19:23

@flamingofridays ... I couldn't agree more and I find it rather confusing ... but I get called a man who left or the OW because I find it odd that in this day and age couples have to stay together so one is happy and one isn't ... doesn't make sense to me.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 21/06/2018 19:39

I have known a few men leave their family becuase they were not happy and felt it was better for every one concerned

And soon enough they have a new partner

What people are prepared to lose and how selfish they become for exciting sex never fails to amaze me

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 20:01

but I get called a man who left or the OW

What a surprise

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 20:04

I don't understand why you'd sing the praises of someone who would stay in a relationship which was miserable just for the kids?

I wouldn’t, and I don’t think most people here are...

sherazade · 21/06/2018 20:05

Is a better shag ( also known as an OW) a good reason ? Bizarre.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 20:12

I find it odd that in this day and age couples have to stay together so one is happy and one isn't ... doesn't make sense to me.

Don’t worry moodance, I highly doubt your wife was happy with you anyway.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/06/2018 20:18

My XH left me, not for another woman (he hadn't got one set up) but for the possibility of another woman. He decided marriage wasn't for him any more and he wanted to go and see another people.

So he left me with the kids, who weren't his but who he'd brought up for the previous 8 years, youngest since she was four, without a backward glance. Never spoke to any of us again (but then I blocked him from everything very soon afterwards).

So boredom is a major factor, whether it's the lure of the new woman or just the idea that there's someone out there that will shag him as he deserves.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 20:28

Zaphodsotherhead 💐

AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2018 20:32

The thing is, if someone is so unhappy that they feel cheating is justified, then they should just fucking leave the marriage before they cheat. Otherwise, they're just a big fucking coward who is too much of a chicken shit to sit their spouse down and either say "It's over, I don't love you" or "Things are really bad for me, we need to do something to save this marriage".

Of course though there are some people for whom happiness/unhappiness has nothing to do with cheating. They're just serial cheats like Don Draper.

wishitwillbeme · 21/06/2018 20:32

Of course, some people leave their partners for selfish reason like they want more freedom - no responsibilities with kids and chores and money, young new lover etc.

My husband was going through midlife crisis so he feels the need of feeling young by hanging out with young woman who can drink with him. Wtf I can't do all of those because I sacrificed my freedom to take care of everything 24/7 so he can have freedom. Can never forgive his behaviour.

flamingofridays · 21/06/2018 20:51

So what are you singing the praises of then? Because it's apparently horrendous to leave if you're unhappy. What are you supposed to do?

I don't believe all relationships can be saved and I don't believe that they all end because of infidelity, either.

flamingofridays · 21/06/2018 20:52

And why if you do leave because you're unhappy, is it so frowned upon to move on? Should you only move on if you're the one that's been left?

sonjadog · 21/06/2018 21:01

I know a few men who have left their marriages without having anyone else lined up. They were very unhappy and had tried to work on their relationships without success. The people I know are pretty average, so I suspect it is more common than posters here like to believe.

One thing I would say was common for the men I know in this position, was that they wanted a new relationship quickly and were very proactive in finding one. So all these men who turn up with new partners in a few months - I wouldn't necessarily assume that they have had them before their marriages ended, they may just be like the men I know and be on the dating scene shortly after.

JELLYFISHANDCHIPS · 21/06/2018 21:06

I left because I was unhappy and I had no one else lined up. I'm a woman btw. I preferred to be alone than in a miserable relationship.
My OH left his relationship for the same reason and had been living alone for 1.5 years when we met.
So yes, people do leave without having someone else in the pipeline . And staying in an unhappy relationships does no one any favours, least of all the children involved.

hididdlyhoneighborino · 21/06/2018 21:10

I'm a woman but Ive just left my husband because I'm unhappy. No one else lined up, I could not think of anything worse than a relationship again right now or dating.

dementeddemelza · 21/06/2018 21:40

You can't win on MN sometimes!

If you leave because you are simply unhappy it's for , " no reason" and if you leave for someone else you're a heartless bastard!

Throwaway4misc · 21/06/2018 22:01

Are you OK OP?

I read your previous thread but I fear you might not come back to this as it has derailed slightly.
xxx Flowers

Fenwickdream · 21/06/2018 22:41

I agree, glad other people notice. Men can sit out unhappiness. They block it out. Never known one leave unless it's for another woman. Women on the other hand, get knee deep in everything that's wrong and it eats them up. They walk because they're just totally sick of the blokes shot and even being a spinster seems preferable.

Coyoacan · 21/06/2018 22:49

Some men are not man enough to contemplate living alone. I know one man who managed to go his whole life getting the next one lined up before leaving the one he was with. He is now alone and in his late sixties and alone for the first time in his life.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 21/06/2018 23:18

I wouldn't necessarily assume that they have had them before their marriages ended, they may just be like the men I know and be on the dating scene shortly after.. Three of the guys I know ended up getting together very quickly with someone they knew from work. One of the women is a bit shit at being diplomatic and talks about when she first met her ‘soul mate’ which strangely enough is a long time before he left his wife for “no specific reason”

Frequency · 21/06/2018 23:32

My ex 'left me' without another woman lined up. I was a violent, cheating, money grabbing, filthy woman who he no was longer willing to put up with. He was happy to leave our children in my care despite my filthiness, sexual deviancy and violent temper Hmm

The truth is he threw me out in the middle of the night in the midst of a drunken tantrum and expected me to return home the next day begging to be let back in, like all the times before.

I didn't. I went to the council to be rehoused, was advised to apply for the rent deposit scheme, found a part furnished house, picked the kids up from school and took them to our new home. It was around that time he revealed the truth about to me to anyone who'd listen to him. I met him through mutual friends, they, despite knowing me since we were kids, sided with him.

I tend not to believe men who tell me they left because they were unhappy and go on to list all their ex's faults now.