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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men don't leave their family for no reason?

159 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 21/06/2018 14:56

AIBU to think that a man wouldn't leave his marriage, children, home and comfortable lifestyle for no good reason? There would have to be some major problem, ow, etc before 99% of men would do this?

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 21/06/2018 16:35

YANBU. The ones who swear blind there was no one else magically meet someone by chance right after the split and rewrite history so they actually believe they were right to cheat.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 16:35

Spot on, IcedPurple. And very interesting to know that stat relating to which party initiates divorce. Definitely supports what you say about women being spun a myth about NEEDING a man, no matter how awful he is and how little he brings.

Buying into this myth is the only explanation I can think of for some of the relationships of people I know. With hindsight, i can also see how the myth kept me in subpar relationships in the past.

shinycat · 21/06/2018 16:35

@moodance

WOW! Lovely post. Aren't YOU a fucking treat?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 21/06/2018 16:35

Of all the couples we know personally, none of the men has ever left without having a woman waiting in the wings.

My Grandma always told me "cherchez la femme" when it came to men leaving families. So far in my friends and family she's not been proven wrong.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 16:36

moondance I don’t understand your post. Can you please rephrase?

IcedPurple · 21/06/2018 16:36

yep. It pisses me off that Women who decide to stay single, but have fuckbuddies, ONS etc are seen as sad and lacking.

I think the whole marriage/white dress/domestic bliss thing is sold to women so aggressievvely precisely because it's a much better deal for men than for women.

Don't get me wrong - I know many women thrive in marriage and that having a partner adds greatly to their lives. But the statistics are clear - women initiate divorce twice as often as men and are less likely to want to get remarried. Women's well-being also tends to decline after marriage, whereas the opposite is true for men.

Go figure, as the Americans say.

Lostalldirection · 21/06/2018 16:36

Most men don't but some do.

I know of not one but two men with beautiful wives, lovely houses and new babies who decided a few months after the babies were born they didn't want the 'family' lifestyle it was too restrictive and they didn't want the responsibilities. No one else involved. One man simply moved in to a one bed flat and lived the single life and the other packed his bags and went travelling for a year.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/06/2018 16:37

Cherchez la femme

Oh, I just realized what that means Blush I think I have told people off for using it too. I used my not so great French to decide it meant "it's the woman's fault". I am a dim bulb sometimes...

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 21/06/2018 16:39

I’ve never known a man to change out of the blue, the signs were always there and overlooked. But yes drug taking would make a man change into someone else. I think though I’d be aware that he was the kind to indulge in drugs so there would still be a warning sign.

BlueBug45 · 21/06/2018 16:39

@Birdsgottafly over my life I've met all sorts. Including children of mothers who walked out on them and mothers who cheated. The latter group didn't always end up as the parent with residence.

While those working in solicitors see the nasty cases, lots of parents I know sort out their cases without resorting to solicitors simply because they couldn't afford to.

shinycat · 21/06/2018 16:40

@moodance

I was asking a question because I am aware of man leaving a relationship and asking for 50/50 access to children but it is denied. The man would rather leave the relationship not see their children then to be in a relationship with someone they don't love ... but the way the posters are carrying on ... they expect men to stay in a relationship .. because they were stupid enough to marry a battle hag.

And therein lies the difference between women and men.

Women WILL stay in a shit marriage rather than not see their kids.

Some men are such selfish self centred twats who make everything about THEM, that they don't CARE if they don't see their kids again, as long as they don't have to stay with the old battle hag THAT THEY CHOSE TO MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus wept. You couldn't make it up! 😂😂😂

You are obviously a MAN, or a woman who has had an affair with a married man.

shinycat · 21/06/2018 16:42

@lostalldirection

Your post is further proof that men find it very easy to just piss off and leave. Women don't.

And then they wonder why the children are much closer to the mother than the father.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 16:42

shinycat yep, moodance is the malest male who ever maled

shinycat · 21/06/2018 16:46

@SlothSlothSloth

Whatever @moodance is, he/she sounds very unhappy and bitter and angry.

Should pity them really. Sad

crazyhead · 21/06/2018 16:47

A person's 'reason' can mean literally anything that matters to them at the point of leaving, which could be 'better offer from 21 yr old hottie' 'can't be bothered with childcare and want to smoke weed' at the feckless end of the spectrum, through to an agonisingly painful, but deeply considered decision to leave a toxic marriage at the other end.

Some people are simply more driven by short term feelings than other people. We all know people who make snap decisions, jack in jobs etc for little reason, and others who are more cautious. Same with marriage.

I agree with IcedPurple that women often seem to cope better single. However, given the fact they are left holding the responsibility, most women quite often think pretty hard before leaving their marriage. Because bluntly, it's the feckless, child maintenance-dodging category of divorced man who get to keep the 'comfortable lifestyle' after divorce.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2018 16:47

I'm confused.

How many women leave a marriage for no good reason either?

I wouldn't get up tomorrow and leave my marriage, great husband just for something new to try. I might leave an emotionally absent or unhappy marriage. I would leave an abusive marriage (I hope).

LeahJack · 21/06/2018 16:48

LeahJack, you mix in a very unusual circle if you know Women just leaving their children with their Partner and not still be a Mother to them.

In general the sort of women who leave without there being any problem don’t do much better by their kids by staying with them. In my experience they end up dragging kids through a series of unsuitable and unstable relationships in search of non-existent perfection which is just as damaging.

Besides, I don’t think most mothers (or police, or social services or the children themselves) would take very kindly to the idea of them being kicked out without their children or not being allowed to take their children with them. But it’s perfectly acceptable the other way around.

I don’t think either parent in these situations is necessarily leaving the children, they’re leaving the spouse.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/06/2018 16:48

Sure if a man decides to leave and there are children ... and he requests 50/50 care and mets the expectations of child support ... would that be okay?

All I'd say is that I would hope he wants 50/50 care for the right reasons which all involve the child and wanting to remain a fully involved parent. In that case he's probably already a very involved parent and not the "I'm in from work and now I'll be on my games console for three hours" kind of father.

On mens/fathers forums they urge going for 50/50 for the sole reason of avoiding giving their ex money (maintenance is for the child, but they never acknowledge that). That would be an alarming reason because it suggests finances are a much higher priority for them than the welfare of their children.

moodance · 21/06/2018 16:49

I just find it funny that people expect people to stay in marriages so they can be unhappy but it's okay as the other person is happy 😂😂😂

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/06/2018 16:49

shinycat yep, moodance is the malest male who ever maled

That was my initial suspicion but I'm now veering towards it being an OW who is trying to justify her part in it by blaming his wife (for daring to put on weight) and has fallen hook, line and sinker for the old line "I'd do anything to have contact with my kids but she won't let me".

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2018 16:52

As most women are not faced with leave marriage=see kids EOW I don't think thats a conclusion you can draw.

user1245125 · 21/06/2018 16:54

Your post is further proof that men find it very easy to just piss off and leave. Women don't

Leaving my relationship was the hardest thing I did. My ex was - and still is - controlling and emotionally abusive. Nothing I could do was right, nothing I said mattered and I was spending my life with her walking on egg shells just waiting for the next eruption. Our relationship wasn't working - and both of us deserved to be happy in a relationship, as did DS who deserved to be brought up in a household where his parents were in a happy relationship - rather than staying together for the kids.

People would have advised me to LTB. But how do you leave when you have a child? Could I have told her to leave the house? Could I have left to a refuge and taken DS with me?

So we separated. I moved into a houseshare and we started to co-parent DS. I have him about half the week. It's been like that for 8 years now. Our relationship is much better than before. Neither of us have new partners. I now have a flat - and DS seems to be ok.

It's not ideal separating. It's not the life I would have chosen for DS and I am racked with guilt over what's happened. But I couldn't continue living in such an emotionally abusive relationship. I didn't leave DS - but I couldn't take him with me. He has a mum who loves him as well.

happypoobum · 21/06/2018 16:55

I have never known a man to willingly leave his partner unless he has another one lined up.

Plenty of women I know have split because they are unhappy, no OM waiting in the sidelines.

moodance · 21/06/2018 16:56

I am not the OW ... but I find it interesting how blinkered some posters can be ... just because I haven't got on the bandwagon to say men must stay in relationships which make them unhappy ... I am the twisted one? 🤔

I don't believe anyone should be in a relationship if they are not happy ...

SlothSlothSloth · 21/06/2018 16:59

user I’m sorry, that sounds tough. I’m glad your DC is okay - even if the current set-up isn’t what you would have wanted, it sounds very much like you did the right thing for both him and you.

Obviously when posters talk about men just pissing off and losing touch with their kids they are not meaning you, as that’s not your situation. Plenty of men do do that, though.