Ungrateful kid-gutted

[Miladamermalada]

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

We are relatively well off but we still have to teach our kids the value of money and that they can't have everything they want. They have moments of acting in an entitled manner and it's our job to pull them up on it every time. All kids, whatever their parents financial situation, need this guidance and teaching. We are letting them down if we don't do this.
Op, you are doing him no favours by trying to protect him, in your misguided attempt to shield him from "feeling poor".

FFS kids know how " rich" or " poor " they are. They only have to look at where they live!

Give the kid some credit!

I’m sorry today didn’t turn out as you hoped OP. It’s all very easy to say ‘take it back’ but not so easy if it’s pre-owned maybe. I can understand why you’re trying to shield your children from the true situation of your finances but they’re old enough to know now - you can’t hide it from them any more. It must be an enormous pressure on you!

As an aside. As a general point. Re un-appreciative-ness......

I meet many other parents of 10-16 year olds through both of mine playing football.

Every parent tells me that children these days are incredibly ungrateful and unappreciative.

Its one of my MAJOR Gripes and I post about it on MN. A LOT!!

these are generally very nice boys, from nice families, bright and studious at school - yet, kevin and perry. rude and fxxking obnoxious and speak to me in a disgusting way that I wouldn't dream of speaking to my mum.

But all the other parents think my boys are incredibly polite, adore them and ask to have them round for sleepovers all the time!!!!!!

there's me running around trying to buy the latest £4.99 pe bag from sports direct. Cooking his favourite spaghetti and meatballs. Running them both around to all sorts of football matches in the middle of nowhere, that the sat nav cant find.

Sometimes I wonder why. Then I draw back. And I find them a TINY bit more appreciative!!

Tis a generational thang. I tell ya!!

It isn't a generational thing AT ALL. Bull.

My teen boys ARE NOT like this.

People behave as they are allowed to behave. My boys speak with respect, mind their P's and Q's and are loving and appreciative.

Not perfect by any means but they are respectful to us and others because we do not tolerate any deviation form that.

Some parents should try parenting occasionally.

God I feel for you but your spoiling him, myself and DH have realised that our kids although claiming to want everything for xmas etc, are much more happy with myself and dh playing a cheapy board game with them, its your time that most kids want. I'd take it back although he might cry and be apologetic , I would.
My dd, normally a lovely child was very bold on Halloween this year, can't really remember what but my dh said she wasn't going trick or treating, and it killed us both but I went off out with my ds and left her there, feeling terrible, when I came back she was genuinely sorry and wasn't mad that we had left her out , she knew she had done wrong and knew not to do it again as we would follow through on our promise. Its horrible to have to do it but your not doing your kids any favours by giving them the world and getting no respect.

One year my parents bought be a digital camera, they were only new out and I was super excited I was about 16, it was the only thing they got me but I guessed it might have been expensive so I didn't mind, but was gutted to find they hadn't bought me a sim card for it so it could only take 5 pics!! Then they had to be either printed or deleted to take more, I was so disappointed and felt like killing them, but I said nothing and thanked them profusely. You can't go freaking out at your parents like that. Is his dad in his life? I have a few friends that are single moms and the ones that have no input from the fathers, seem to have the wildest kids for some reason, maybe its the lack of a male figure to show authority etc, but regardless they should be respecting their mother, male figure or not.

Miladamermalada

I think judging by this thread and your previous one on bedrooms that you all need more support. Easier said than done I know.

1. Debt / Finances - go and see the CAB or Christians Against Poverty (you don't have to be Christian) and work with them to get your finances sorted. The Debt Free Wannabe board on Money Saving Expert is also very good.
   capuk.org/i-want-help/useful-information/questions

2. Counselling for your son - you have escaped a DV relationship. This will have had an impact on him. Does his school have a counsellor?

3. Support for you - you have MH problems, are a single parent and have suffered DV. What support do you have and what support do you feel you need?

4. Parenting - Are there any parenting courses you can go on? Check if your local council has any? Parenting teenagers can be tricky at the best of times.

See this incident as a wake up call that things can't carry on as they are.

Oh how crap for you OP.

I’m bipolar and money is a tough thing to deal with, I’m inclined to spend too as I feel I have to make it up to DC that mummy is poorly sometimes.

It’s never too late to start over. Put yourself first. Don’t let history repeat your abusive past. The kids need to know that you value yourself and your health. That means a room of your own, feeding yourself properly and being respected as head of your family.

Tell him in a matter of fact way that you felt disappointed by his reaction. Don’t make it a blame game, just let him know how you felt. I think it’s time to gently urge him towards more responsibility, not as a punishment but given that he’s 14 and could be living independently he needs some life skills. That means packing his own case, learning to do his washing, basic cooking etc.

Jackie
This is a vulnerable poster who has escaped a DV relationship, has MH problems and an autistic child. Do you really think your posts are helpful?

Congratulations on your fabulous parenting.

Neither of my 2 boys (13 and 9) have ever asked me for an Xbox or other game console. They have an iPad they use for coding and Minecraft and the eldest has a phone for the school journey but they are hand me downs after DH and I upgraded our own appliances. This is how it will be until they can afford their own tech. My eldest wants a newer version of an iPhone and we have agreed that when he has saved 1/2 of the money, we will pay the other half as a birthday and Christmas present. IMO that is a massive present.

My DC were brought up overseas and they are not used to getting massive presents because their friends didn't. This is very much a western culture trait. They get 5 things for Christmas and one present for their birthday. Often they get a joint gift.

When I read on here that a child wants an expensive gift, wants designer clothes or this and that I really do not recognise this behaviour. My DC's peers have these things but mine genuinely don't care what others have. I put this down to the fact that my 2 are kept really busy with sports and other hobbies. They don't care about "stuff".

Sometimes the best kind of love is the tough love version. You are not doing him any favours. Also, if you have 4 DC, why can't they all chip in together (pocket, birthday money etc.) to get one?

"Some parents should try parenting occasionally"

Bully for you Jackie

I don't tolerate it. I tell them it is unacceptable. Every single time. But it doesn't change. I don't know anyone else who doesn't have the same problem.

Apart from You.

Not one bit helpful to have a go at the OP. She is doing her best she has possibly got it wrong on this occasion.

I dont use food banks.

But I would sit him down at a calm moment and tell him that you cannot do this any longer.

I think you need to wait to talk to him OP so you don't just end up in a shouting match or getting upset again. Take a bit of time, do something nice for yourself, however tiny and try to wait and take deep breaths while talking to him. Explain why you feel bad. And all the people saying it's crazy money, it is but I get it too

Im sorry op you have spoilt your kids. 500 when you dont have food. You have taught him his wants are priority over every thing else including you. He should be part of your team. Does he help around the house? Take back the xbox and start to regain power.

Smug gits. Swap places for a week.

14 is old enough to have a job and support his own expensive habits. I am very comfortable financially but I have now refused to buy my kids any expensive gifts/phones/consoles as they are old enough to fund it themselves. Giving them a work ethic is one of the best gifts you can give them...not stuff. They want it, they work for it. They really will appreciate it more then. Handing them stuff on a plate when you really can't afford it is teaching them nothing of value.

Ive said it was 500 if it was all new but i got 2nd hand.
I get paid saturday.

DotForShort

Funnily enough she was very realistic about other situations, such as when my Dad was facing redundancy. She talked to us very calmly abut what it might mean, and got us to brainstorm how we might make savings in the household (I seem to recall volunteering to give up bubblebath - a great sacrifice because at the time I was fond of eating the bubbles. I was older than I like to admit.).

But woebetide admitting that SHE might have forgotten the bloody chutney!

Men aren't automatically stricter. Women can set boundaries too, you knew
I've probably been seen as more the bad guy in discipline, than my dh.

Don't be afraid of upsetting your children by laying down boundaries op. They will still love you. Sometimes you have to be a parent and that means making unpopular decisions.

Having said that, I wouldn't be removing the Xbox at this point op, as you've actually set him up to fail so far. It's not his fault that you've made such huge sacrifices and he's not aware of them. Yes it's not great, his reaction but you need to teach him to be grateful as teenagers are inherently selfish. Talk honestly. Explain how the situation is and how it's made you feel. Set out expectations and consequences for future behaviour and then follow through from now on.
Make him earn money by doing chores and give them a realistic budget for gifts, then they can make choices about what things are important to them within the allowed budget and they can save up and combine birthday, xmas presents for the bigger items. They will appreciate things more if they've had to save up, do chores or wait for much longer for items.
I'd never consider spending £500 on one child even though we could afford to do so.

The core of this issue isn’t money or poverty, it’s the ongoing trauma you’ve all experienced.

Posters sharing their anecdotes of how they stop their children being spoilt despite being incredibly wealthy are totally missing the point on several levels.

Unless you have experience of rebuilding family relationships after your children watched a decade of rape and abuse, you probably can’t help Milada much.

Jabs about food banks are unbelievably crass. People should be ashamed tbh.

Take it back and spend money on everything you didn't get to buy it.

For something big like that i would discuss with my teens and make them pay for half.

I've done this for all sorts of things including non-NHS glasses!

Learning the value of money is a really important gift to your children as well!

At aged 14, if he's polite, reliable and comes across as sensible and kind he should be able to make a fairly substantial income from babysitting. £5 an hour. Much better money than a paper-round.

I also agree with others that it's not advisable to spend hundreds on a birthday present. We are are fortunate in being comfortably off, but I would never spend that amount on a present for a teenager (and yes, I do have a teenager). Our kids do have gadgets, but they tend to be cheaper versions and several years old.

Please don't guilt yourself into buying expensive presents for your kids. It sounds like you'd doing a fantastic job keeping your family together under quite difficult circumstances. And I'd guess that you don't want your children to grow up equating material possessions with love as you know this could set them up for all sorts of issues in the long run.

Take it back and tell them until you start getting some bloody respect & appreciation they won't be getting anything else!