Ungrateful kid-gutted

[Miladamermalada]

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

So he has got some kind of MH issues OP? I wish posters would include relevant information in their post since it obviously effects the best thing to do.
No I don't think so just difficulty managing emotions. He copes very well at school. He is angry towards me mainly.
I do wonder about slight ASD as he has no concept of other people's feelings but that could just be my shit parenting. He'd never think to say thank you.

I've read the full thread now.

You sound like a lovely mum who has been through the mill a lot. You are in a hard place right now and especially with your MH problems.

I would still take the Xbox and games back for a full refund. I would tell him too that it was because of his disgraceful and ungrateful behaviour, which was totally and utterly unacceptable.

Telling him to just get a job is often not realistic, as it is often only stuff like paper rounds available at that age, and availability can be sporadic (mine were very lucky to get paper rounds, and it took time). I would still tell him that he has blown his chances of any such a gift from you and will now have to wait (years if necessary) until he can pay for it himself.

He has behaved very badly, and sometimes learning the hard way is the only answer.

I'd agree too that spending £500 on a birthday present is madness. Especially as it has left you without money to feed your family.About £50 per child would be more than adequate. You really can't afford it.

Set that sort of a budget going forward. Tell them all, including him, and make sure they understand that it is the only sustainable way forward and they need to understand that.

Just to add, there is no harm whatsoever with children knowing that money is tight and that that is part of the reason why they cannot simply have exactly what they want. There is nothing wrong with setting budgets and telling them that you can't afford non-essential things.

We were on the bones of our arses for a few years, so my three DDs had to learn this. It wasn't easy at all, and I will freely admit that it often made me feel sad, but it does seem to have by and large taught them the value of money.

The "money doesn't grow on trees" lesson is a hard one, but very necessary.

so he has had a family holiday and a trip to Iceland?
Lucky kid ..

I would send it all back and give him a jigsaw.

I'm sorry it must feel shitty!!

I'd find it hard to do but seriously the only way to try and claw back some respect etc is to teach him a lesson and that lesson is to return the x box.

Explain, calmly why, let him know you are sad and ride the storm, it really is the only way.

OP,
I usually budget very well I got caught behind paying large credit card bills from taking them away and can't seem to catch up. And am getting charges.

That’s really daft to be paying credit card charges and then to spend so much on an expensive birthday gift.

What happened up there with AnyaMumsnet?!

He's being a brat, he won't grow up into a monster Milad, you've done amazingly well getting out of an abusive relationship, now you just need to set new healthy boundaries step by step.

I hate it when people who are well off claim their kids only get an orange for Christmas. But ignore they go out for meals. To the theatre. To concerts. That they'll get the odd treat throughout the rest of the year...

Also classes! I looked into music classes for my son as he keeps saying he'd like them and realistically I can't afford them. Sports classes and the kit for them. Various bits and bobs to encourage hobbies.

But they don't get much at Christmas so they're not spoilt

Also look at doing a credit card balance transfer to a 0% so you are just paying off the debt each month and not interest as well, I regularly move mine around to make sure I pay no interest.

an orange. LOL

My kids get an orange . I dont agree with over spending. They eat it after they have mucked out the polo ponies.

Why was MNHQs post deleted?

I don't understand why parents need to spend insane amounts of money for birthdays. He's ungrateful and acting like a complete brat but you already know that.

Please learn from this in the future. Don't make yourself and your family go without decent food and basics just to buy ridiculously expensive presents for someone who doesn't appreciate it.

Hope you're feeling better now OP, and hope he's apologised to you.

Take everything back. Stop trying to fake it until you make it. He needs to grow up and realise how ungrateful he is.

No trips. No big purchases.

The family is looked after as a unit first. You can't buy their respect, if you have to then they really dont deserve anything.

I understand how you feel, and haven't read eveyones replies, but honestly they just sound like teenagers\ preteens. Get ready for a rough ride and try not to take it to heart. My older kids send me a pic and link of the exact item they want , no surprises unless I'm really sure. Of course he shouldn't have reacted that way,he probably feels bad, just offer to change it no need for life lessons. I'm surprised you managed to organise a party , mine have just wanted to do their own thing with friends. My daughter was mortified when I got her a cake and sang happy birthday with her friends when she was 14, she hasn't had a cake since!

Sorry you feel like that OP. However I do think you’re sons getting a hard time here. I’m sure he didn’t mean it and was just disappointed that he got his wish (Xbox) but with a game that doesn’t go with that particular Xbox console. Which means he can’t play on it. You’re not a bad mum just a mum who’s having a really hard time. Glad you’re getting some help and talk to CAB and step change

I see all sorts of wrong here. Calling your children little brds, is one of them, although I can see why you're upset!

Spending money you don't have, is also a no-no.

I wanted plenty of expensive things, when I was a child, and my parents were never afraid to say NO!

Sit him down, tell him you are not happy with his ungrateful attitude, and tell him that the Xbox is going back. Buy the food, etc., you need. And maybe get him it at a cheaper price/second hand/eBay, when his behaviour improves.

Send it back if he's that ungrateful and buy essentials first.
He won't be forever traumatised by having to learn the hard way that essentials come before luxuries. Hopefully he will learn from this.
Tell him if he wants another one, he'll have to save up half of the cost through his birthday/Christmas money

AnyaMumsnet has had a post deleted for breaking the rules?

I think buying tech for teenagers (or anyone, come to that!) is a can of worms. They are far more knowledgeable than their elders and having exactly the right thing is of extreme importance. I suppose it's particularly relevant for a games console/game because the thing might not even work if it's incompatible, and I believe that if a second-hand game is already registered it won't work.

That being said, the stropping is unacceptable. He needs to be told calmly that ok, you made a mistake with the purchase, but you did it with the best of intentions and, sadly, can't afford another one. Put the ball in his court and ask what he suggests: stick with it or Gumtree etc. A brand-new replacement is not an option.

A party with food and sweetie cones sounds like way too much effort and a bit babyish for a 14 too. Next year bung him £30 and tell his to take his two best mates to the Pizza Hut buffet

I think you're overcompensating. I could afford to spend £500 but wouldn't as I don't think kids need that huge a value. I want my kids to learn the value of money. I'd rather give them pocket money and encourage them to get a job and save for what they want.

I spend around £60-100 on birthdays (plus £100-250 on a party when they were younger, now less on food for their mates) and £100-150 each on Christmas gifts. For something like an Xbox it would have to be joint to both kids for Christmas and (as you've said) not much more to come for their birthdays.

I think I'd scoop up the Xbox and the rest of his gifts and hide them away until everything has calmed down. When he comes looking for them you can have a chat about gratitude and understanding that money doesn't grow on trees. Not ideal to do that on his birthday but his birthday is also a celebration of you giving birth to someone you hoped wouldn't turn into a spoilt brat.

I actually discussed this thread with my son last night (he’s late 20s) and he said, if you don’t know what you’re looking for, it is possible to buy the wrong x box as there’s different versions. Apparently there was a raft of complaints to Nintendo when they went from the wii to to wii u, as numerous parents bought the wrong wii and ended up with disappointed kids. A console that doesn’t have the games you want is as much use as a cardboard box! My son said it’s quite possible that the game he wanted (which you said you bought) wouldn’t work on the second hand x box if there were incompatible.

Now i’m not saying this to excuse his behaviour and I totally feel for you that you thought you were doing a nice thing and essentially had it thrown back in your face. But, as I suggested in a previous post to you. I really think you need to sit down and discuss all this with him. Find out exactly what the problem is and go from there.

I still maintain that coming down heavy on him when you’re not even clear on why he’s upset is not going to improve the relationship between the two of you. And to me that’s the most important thing. Your a lone parent, you only have your kids, they only have you. You need to be a team, not enemies. Easy for 2 parent families to say “come down hard on him” but what will it actually achieve?

MNHQ haven't been naughty, honest!
They posted they OP wants this deleted for privacy reasons so they would be pulling the thread. Clearly that isn't the case so I assume they had posted on the wrong thread.

OP look at Martin Lewis's money saving expert to see if you can get a credit card that will give you 0% interest on balance transfers. That would give you some breathing space and means no charges (though don't spend on the new card as you will be charged!)