Ungrateful kid-gutted

[Miladamermalada]

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

Even if there were any jobs this particular 14 year-old is clearly not ready for the world of work.

Hope you manage to get some head space today mila to have a proper think. You're an intelligent person and with the right approach and some support you can make changes to improve the situation for all of your family.

Shocked at the £500 present. We are fortunate not to be short of money, but our birthday and Christmas gifts are around the value of £25 - £50

So, your children don't have an iPad or tablet, a laptop, a console or any type of internet enabled phone? Or a new bike?

Are they teens?

It's easy for quite wealthy people to claim to give modest gifts at Christmas whilst still enabling their kids to have the latest technology, and they don't see the irony in this. It's also easy to give cheap gifts to younger kids, older teens obviously do want more technology (hey, even I wanted a ghetto blaster in my time!)

At 13 they started on £5 per hour + bonus And tips

On a piece of paper. Meanwhile back in the real world...

Oh FFS only on Mumsnet can you share some ideas that 14 year olds might use to make some pocket money to save for a console they want and be told off for it!

They are suggestions, that is all. The OP may find them helpful or she may not.

It's fine if you get somone a games console as a gift, however what annoys me was his attitude when he thought he had the wrong game. It's like the nice gesture didn't even matter.
Even though it's a hormonal age, he has not since apologised for his behaviour.

I agree that you have to get a grip onyour spending and debt.Fill inthe calculator and see someone CAB maybe to help you sort out the debt.
Try not to compensate with buying things.Talk to you children about money or lack of it.
Yes ,sort the bedrooms,you need your own space as the adult,do it soon as your eldest does need reminding that he is one of 4 equal children.If you dont then inview of all you have been through he may mirror what he has seen as he gets older.
Get all your children to at least tidy their rooms and tidy their clutter from the living space and get your son to pack his own bag.
Goodluck .It will be hard but your need to take control.

Oh op ...I read your other thread too,I can see how hard life is for you ,I wish I could give you a hug..from one mum to another ,it's obvious you are doing your best for your children ,no question at all ,you clearly love them and put them first ...but you must think of yourself ,you are important too op ,teens can be selfish and all kids can be badly behaved x get those boys back in the same room ,and you make sure you have a room to yourself x

It is incredibly hard for 14 year olds to find work.

My daughters struggled until thry were 18 to find work to fit around college etc.
And my step daughter turned 18 in May and has only just started getting responses and interviews from employers.

It's just not worth employers employing under 18s as they're not allowed to serve alcohol, be on the premises alone after a certain time, lock up etc. Plus employers have to fill in more forms/risk assess as they're classed as vulnerable.

OP, first of all, I can see you're in a really shit situation - SP, very little money, abusive ex, MH issues... No wonder you're finding things tough.

But you've had very good advice on this thread. I'm saddened about the way you write about your sons - you really don't seem to like them. Whilst your response to your son's lack of gratitude is understandable, you need to step up here. What he needs more than anything else is a mother who loves him, respects him as the good person he still has the potential to grow into, and will enforce appropriate boundaries to help him become someone who others will like.

I'm not convinced that harsh punishments are the way to go right now. I would sit him down when he's calm and you're calm, and tell him that in his own interests things can't go on as they are now. Reassure him that you love him and you have his back, but he's old enough now to show respect through doing his fair share to help at home and not causing unnecessary difficulties. Explain that money is tight and you simply can't afford expensive presents. Tell him that there are more appropriate ways to express disappointment and explain what they are as he seems not to know.

I also hear you about the rush you get when you buy something expensive, related to your MH issues. This is a very hard one to tackle, because it sounds like you can't control yourself in this situation. But it's going to be impossible to teach and model self-control to your sons if you can't find a way to control yourself. Here I have no advice as I'm no expert in bipolar disorder, but are there any possibilities for something like CBT that might help you?

He behaved really badly and I don't blame you for being extremely upset and angry.
Not that it is relevant to his reaction, but as others have said, £500 is far too much to be spending on his birthday. I don't think many people spend anywhere near that much even if they can afford it. I have teenage children and although presents are quite expensive I wouldn't go above £150.

I think the OP should let the boy keep the playstation, but state that it is a family present and that everyone is entitled to use it. And express in firm tones that it was a special present and expensive gifts like that are from now on unaffordable.

I do agree that some posters don't get that material possessions have some sort of weird hold on some kids. I have been working with "deprived" teenagers and they have far, far more than my "undeprived" children. Boxfresh trainers, latest iPhones, non-stop haircuts etc etc. It is really unfortunate as you can understand how in more than a few cases the only way to support these constant purchases in the future is through crime.

Going slightly against the grain here perhaps but I think he's getting a bit of s tough time on here. He's s 14 year old kid ffs.
It doesn't sound like he has the easiest of home life's with 3 other siblings, one being autistic all in a small home with presumably no father around.

Kids have massive expectations now, peer pressure is massive and it's all bragging rights and keeping up with everyone else.

Whether that's right or wrong is not for us to debate, it's what it is now for modern teens. Everything is shared on social media.

He reacted vocally in disappointment at it not being 'the right game', that game probably meant the whole world to him at that moment.

How did you manage his expectations up to his birthday? It was his special day, don't ruin it over his immaturity to deal with what to him was a massive disappointment.

Also, yes to a paper round. My son has worked one from the age of 13 and now also works weekends on top of school and a paper round. He knows if there's stuff he wants over and above basic essentials he's to buy them himself.

Also I wanted to add, and this may not really be the point but it might be helpful anyway.

My son (7) has autism and very tightly focused interests. We bought him a secondhand Nintendo Wii U on eBay from music magpie for £76 as his main present.

I know it's harder as 14 year olds are a lot more discerning than 7 year olds, but it might send a useful message about a) the value of money and b) the value of compromises.

Just a suggestion

Hi. Back just going through comments.

He reacted vocally in disappointment at it not being 'the right game', that game probably meant the whole world to him at that moment.
He got the right game. Just not with the xbox.

Paper round? Some people on here are still in the ‘70s. Even my elderly parents don’t get their papers delivered any more.

Is he having a tough time at school or something similar? Obviously I don't know your kids but if one of mine had a strop about something like this I'd think there was something else going on, especially at 14.

Keep the XBOX - but don't set it up and don't let him either.

If he really wants it, which I imagine he did if you were willing to spend so much money on it, then I wouldn't send it back just yet. I agree with posters that consoles are very important to kids. My DS loves his XBOX and is always playing on it with DD2. DD1 doesn't like the XBOX as much as the others but they all play together on the WiiU quite frequently, and I value that because it's not often they'll all play together (especially with the age gaps). But perhaps more relevant to you, my DS is the same age as yours and the XBOX is essentially how he keeps in touch with his schoolfriends. I think games consoles (and the bloody Fortnite game) are quickly becoming pretty integral to social lives.

That said, wait a while. If one of my DC did this I know they'd apologise as soon as they'd realised how awful they'd been. If he comes down and shows some remorse I'd not return it but there'd be a waiting period before he can actually use it due to his behaviour.

If he thinks it's acceptable, in which case he is very entitled, I'd return it. Get him a new book series- the Gone Series, Percy Jackson (though I warn you, there are about twenty books total so if you start and he gets hooked on them, which IME kids do, that's the end) or Harry Potters if he hasn't read them. And maybe a board game. My kids love playing Monopoly together.

@Miladamermalada Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.

You said that's what he reacted to though?
Presumably the picture on the box showed the 'wrong game'?

Its not 500. The xbox was 2nd hand-but excellent condition. It would have been 500 new. I think that's the problem. He wanted the biggest and best and it's not. Other people have got the games. It wasn't the fact I've spent that much, but that that's in value what he's received.
I haven't got daily basics in as it's the end of the month and this has pushed me over the edge.
I'm not going to starve, but I am very short.

He's looking for a paper round. There isn't anything.
The picture on the box was wrong. And it wasn't sealed like a brand new one. I didn't think he'd notice.
Feel shit.

He also moaned there's no cake.
He got cake at his party. Wanted a double chocolate one apparently.

Yes, not many people have papers delivered. Maybe on a Sunday, but then the papers are so huge that the newsagent drives them round in his van. Certainly no paper boys/girls.

I think it would be hard to effect a change in a teenager such that they were suddenly a bookworm or enjoyed playing family board games. You could try!

I think in the OP's family though there does need to be some more pulling together though. But then again, I've seen teens who are very resentful of younger siblings and won't lend a hand. Dsis was a single parent and every time she tried to appeal to her dd's better nature dn would groan, "Let's get the violins out..."

My dd got a job a month before her 15th birthday, she earns £5.50 an hour at a local cafe. There are many jobs around us like this, I’d say half her friends work at various cafes, hairdressers, shoe shops. I’d like to say get him to do a paper round as he’d have to get up at 6am!!

I think it would be hard to effect a change in a teenager such that they were suddenly a bookworm or enjoyed playing family board games. You could try!

My DC love books, especially the first two. Obviously that's not the case with all children. If it isn't, I definitely recommend anything by Rick Riordan. You'll end up spending about £50 on books if you don't have a library card but they devour them.

In the case that he doesn't have his XBOX because he's spoilt, I think the idea of a board game would piss him off. But if he really has nothing to do, he might eventually be driven to it The Monopoly my kids have currently got is the one with the credit card machine. He might like that more; a bit more "high-tech."

Reading your latest update about the cake it sounds like he's spoilt. Or - considering that you thought he might have noticed the XBOX was second-hand, and he hasn't got a second cake etc. - do you think this is a teenager's poor reaction to realising money is tight?

Obviously not acceptable aged 14. But teenagers/kids are often just as perceptive as adults, but don't always have the emotional maturity to deal with it properly. Do you think your son is badly coping with the fact that he - or rather, his family - doesn't have as much financial freedom as some of his friends might?

If that's the case I think you need to sit down and talk to him.

I wouldn't even say the eldest is disabled. He's autistic. He has a serious condition physically but it's managed. I think a lot of it is just selfish.
I think that if I didn't feel so pissed off providing unrealistic things and going without then actually life would be more enjoyable because I'd be less pressured. All I can think of now is having to do it for the next birthday. In the meantime paying off what I owe now, so not doing anything nice.
I'm off to work till later.

My dd got a job a month before her 15th birthday, she earns £5.50 an hour at a local cafe. There are many jobs around us like this, I’d say half her friends work at various cafes, hairdressers, shoe shops. I’d like to say get him to do a paper round as he’d have to get up at 6am!!

I think this is dependent on area. My nephew got a paper round job at 14. Early riser so he loved it. Unheard of where we live.

DD1 got a job volunteering at the library at 15, but wasn't paid. DS is volunteering at the library this summer (14), and he won't be paid either.

I think you might have to wait until he's 16 for him to get a job if you live somewhere similar to ours. Not to say that volunteering wouldn't be a good experience for him to have, though.