Ungrateful kid-gutted

[Miladamermalada]

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

Op, I feel for you.

What did you say to your DS after his tantrum? What are you going to do going forward?

They don't know money's tight because I don't want them to feel poor. We were poor as a kid and I was so ashamed.
I think this is why poor people over compensate with 'stuff'.

I didn't say anything he left for school. No doubt he'll return in a great mood. My children are brilliant at school. Just crap at home with me.
Don't mean to sound woe is me. I'm quite proactive normally.

I think that if I didn't feel so pissed off providing unrealistic things and going without then actually life would be more enjoyable because I'd be less pressured. All I can think of now is having to do it for the next birthday.

This makes me second the chat with him about finances.

It's not fair to do this to yourself (presumably to keep up the illusion for the DC?) when honestly it sounds like they're noticing anyway.

You need to have a clear, to-the-point chat with him about costs. He's 14. He's old enough to understand.

They don't know money's tight because I don't want them to feel poor. We were poor as a kid and I was so ashamed.
I think this is why poor people over compensate with 'stuff'.

OP, I think your child has understood. Kids and teenagers are very perceptive, and I think his reaction is a poor coping mechanism for this sudden understanding.

You need to talk to him. Trying to pretend that it's all fine - when your son is becoming aware that it is not - will only result in him coping with this alone, probably poorly as his reaction signifies he doesn't have a huge amount of emotional maturity.

Them understanding will also mean that you put less pressure on yourself to keep up the façade.

I agree with the 'get a job' being the wrong thing to do. He is 14. Any jobs he could do will be the type where someone just wants someone who they can pay peanuts to and won't be particularly interested in him (training him up etc) because if the job doesn't work out he would be replaced by the next cheaply paid 14 year old. What he needs is to have another adult in his life to spend time with who isn't you (his mum) or teachers (often the enemy) .Perhaps try and find a mentoring charity for him. He could spend time with an adult - who could take him out doing things that interest him. If computer games are his thing - a mentor could take him to Games Events etc. Then... hopefully it would lead to talking about the situation at home, what the financial situation is, how he can help you out at home - doesn't have to be bringing in money at age 14 - he needs to be focusing on school etc - but helping you more. Play with the toddler while you cook tea - or cook tea instead. Go to the supermarket for you. Do the washing for you etc. He is not going to listen to you if you suggest that - but a neutral adult might help.

I feel for OP. This sort of behavior often means there is a peer pressure.
I am also going to look into that book - Mercury's child as my youngest drives me insane with demands. His friend just got something expensive for nearly £300, a PS4 or something that sounds like that. Now he tells me that other children get expensive presents but he doesn't (lier! His collection of Lego costs a fortune). First of all, I am really against all these Xboxes, Nintendo Switches , consoles etc. Modern kids, especially boys don't think of how to get good grades but think of the games only. I told him that we may buy him a Nintendo Switch but it has to be his birthday and Christmas present and he would have to meet certain conditions before and after to earn it.

Otherwise he is a very lovely boy.

He's old enough to be spoken to in a more adult way now. He's no longer a child to be shielded from the realities of life and emotions.

Just be matter of fact about how he's made you feel and why. Communication is the way forward. Teach him empathy. Teenagers are inherently selfish. They have to be guided to behave in appropriate ways.

I can understand you wanting to provide what others have, but life is about choice and compromise. He needed to choose between a big party or a big present, especially if you have to sacrifice things.

Link pocket money to chores in future and get them to contribute to bigger items or better brands. You don't really appreciate the value of money until you have worked for it. I still remember translating hours worked to whether it was worth buying something, when I had my first Saturday job.

Its not 500. The xbox was 2nd hand-but excellent condition. It would have been 500 new. I think that's the problem. He wanted the biggest and best and it's not. Other people have got the games. It wasn't the fact I've spent that much, but that that's in value what he's received.

They haven't all got presents of that value though, whatever he says. Many parents just won't spend that much on principle even if they can afford it. I think he is old enough now to understand how things are. You are putting yourself under far too much pressure at the moment and it's not necesssary.

Lying to them is not better than them knowing they are poor. You need to really address how you communicate with your children OP. You aren’t in this alone - you and they are a team so you need to be open with them, and to stop trying to give them everything when you clearly can’t afford it l.

I think the context of only having recently escaped his incredibly abusive father is important here.

All the “tough love” advice might be made a little bit more gentle if posters knew what your family, and your son, has suffered in the first 12-13 years of his life.

Can't believe that people are actually dim enough to blow £500 on a birthday when they can't afford food.

You need to talk to them about finances. They need to know there are some items you can't afford.
You also need to look at how you treat the boys and girls and whether you're reinforcing the abusive dynamic you had with your ex.
You need to be consistent. If you spend too much but don't tell the DCs about finances then you can't expect them to appreciate that they're being demanding.
Your problem isn't really the birthday present. It's the double standards, lack of consistency and lack of respect.
I'd try to get them involved in a hobby with good male role models too. It's important they see that men can behave well and not just abusively.

All I can think of now is having to do it for the next birthday. In the meantime paying off what I owe now, so not doing anything nice.

That's one of the things that can stop now - you don't have to do it for the next birthday and you can explain why. Much better for you and for them to be honest now, take that burden off.

I do feel for you. Just to say though, what a teenager does/says on impulse doesn’t necessarily reflect the sort of person they really are. Maybe he was so convinced he was going to get a certain thing, that “falling short” of that expectation was, at that minute, unbearable. Dealing with disappointment is something that needs to be learnt.
I think, at 14, you need to be honest with him about resources. I have felt similar with my DS when he appears to care only about material things, the next game etc, but it’s not the whole picture.

Is this where Labour get their poverty stats from, people like the OP?

Who spank 500 on shit and then say they need food banks??

No words.

I'd be taking it back and getting a refund, not because of the tantrum, but because you can't afford to spend that much on a luxury. That's crazy, that you're doing without food. The tantrum's unattractive, but kids that age are, by and large, selfish and inconsiderate. It's up to you to teach them how to be good humans. You and the others doing without food or essentials so one child can have a luxury item is crazy.

Is this child your eldest? Sometimes going through the teenage years with the first child can be a shock to the system. He behaved very badly and I might be tempted to remove the Xbox, at least for a while (he has other consoles, right?).

But the issue of paying more than you can afford really can’t be laid at his door. It isn’t fair to resent him for lack of gratitude about your sacrifices if he has no idea what the family financial situation really is.

I'm 29 and my mum STILL can't get out of the mindset of glossing things over and wanting our reactions to be perfect when things go slightly wrong.

She escaped DV with her first husband, had a period of deep poverty whilst on her own, and went on to have my sister and I with my lovely dad. She has this NEED to not feel guilty or like she's providing anything 'lesser' to us, even though it's getting on for forty years since she left TB.

For example - she'll insist on making us a picnic for a walk. Always very stressed and harried when leaving the house, and forgets half of it. We arrive and for lunch there's a single bun each, with lettuce and tomato, and some raisins. She can't just say, "oops, sorry everyone, that was a bit silly, we'll stop at a cafe". She has to go on about, "that was a great picnic" etc.

The idea that she messed up, didn't provide the best just isn't something she can admit to. She is constantly looking for assurance that she did her best for us.

Now I am NOT saying that you messed up here OP AT ALL. But you do need to be able to talk to your kids realistically about your circumstances. Including their mess ups, your mess ups, and how the world is messed up in some ways.

Well do something about it then. Return or sell the gifts. Teach your son he's acting like an ungrateful, spoiled, shit. Be the parent. Step up.

If your son is doing well at school and behaves well for the teachers, and takes it out on you at home, to a large extent I think he's doing ok!

You are that safe space at home, it's hard for mums of teens for that reason and you do feel resentful sometimes they are lovely to the rest of the world, but that's better than him doing badly at school and threatening to drop out. So, that's a good sign I think.

Now if you can just get a bit more co-operation around the house (which I struggle with myself, good in school holidays, but after school it's hard after clubs/activities to get them doing the washing up) and some more realistic expectations around money, then that might help.

I also agree that having mentors/colleagues/teachers/youth club leaders around to encourage him is very very important. Perhaps he could volunteer somewhere on a Sat or Sun in an area he likes (animals, sport, charity shops). Mine get a lot out of other people valuing them and their time and it fosters a sense of independence.

Obviously if he can get paid work, great but I don't think in our high street there are shoe shops paying 14 year olds to serve in them. Even my students at uni (aged 18 upwards) struggle to find part-time work that is consistent these days, although most do eventually find something. Supermarkets are good for 18 plus. Perhaps some local independent retailers or cafe owners might go under 16, but it is no longer the norm. The forms I have helped my kids fill in recently have all said 16 or even 18 plus, even finding voluntary work for 14 year olds is quite difficult.

I think it would be far, far kinder to him not to put this pressure on yourself and keeping him in the dark and then feeling he is beyond bad because his bad behaviour contrasts so sharply against your sacrifice. Quite frankly, it is your job to set the level of expectation so you can cope with a bit of teen bad behaviour (while pulling him up) without going to pieces. If that means setting it low, then set it low. Explain in a calm friendly manner, make him feel that poverty is not the end of the world, it's something you can cope with.

My dc have always had quite a low allowance, dd wasn't able to work due to chronic illness, but they always knew about family finances and it was ok: it didn't come as a sudden ghastly revelation that scared the shit out of them, it was just something they always knew, that you had to think carefully about money.

The best thing you can do for your kids is teach them to forge their own paths and not to give in to peer pressure. Dont run with the pack

But you are poor, OP. There is NOTHING shameful about that . Your son is a young adult who needs to understand how the world works.

What part of I CAN'T AFFORD IT does he not understand??

And pfft to peer pressure. We have five children, enough cash, big house etc. They know hell will freeze over before that kind of money is spent on a birthday. They don't nag, they earn extra and they save and buy second hand as do most of their equally well off chums.

That is a very insightful post, thecats.