Ungrateful kid-gutted

[Miladamermalada]

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

Take a deep breath lass. Throw a bit of cold water on your face to freshen up. Have a cup of tea / coffee. Then take the whole lot back if you can get refunds. Those you can't, sell the stuff.

If not-so-darling-son kicks off just give him the look.

Op I sort of understand why you bought the present. I too have MH problems and sometimes our desire to be the provider of great presents is clouded. I've been in a similar situation though I did have plenty of food in the house.
That's the part I'm struggling with, what are you going to feed your 4 children ( and yourself ) for the next few days?

From my own experience, the kids I know who hardly get anything are the most grateful. The ones who get a lot ( mine included ) can often take it for granted or expect it so it's not a big deal to them.

My own ds is 15 and he has everything under the sun tech wise, his dad and I are separated and he's very well off.
My ds knows that I can't buy him what his dad does, my priorities are living costs first and foremost and I don't go without things myself just so I can buy him things he doesn't need.

It's tough as I only have 2dc, I couldn't even imagine providing for 4 and in a cramped house. Are you able to look at moving to a larger property if at all possible?

My ds has AS and he works with his dad now and again as I don't want him having to work yet, he's in an important stage in his school life with exams next year and he needs to concentrate on them.

It's easy for people to criticise you without knowing the full extent of your situation and I think your heart was in the right place, please don't be too hard on yourself.

Hope your situation improves going forward, you've been through a lot and deserve to be happy

Sorry but Jackie go away! Why be mean to a lady who is obviously upset and reaching out.
OP can’t take the thing back if it’s second hand can she? So I’d conviscate it for a week, move the bedrooms today and sit sown and tell your son what you had to give up, ie decent food and provisions, to try and make him happy and how upsetting his ingratitude therefore is. Sorry but some home truths about money not growing on trees and how hard you worked to give him this present should make him realise he’s been out of order.
Do hope your day gets better

I would take it away while he is at school and put it on ebay/local selling pages. When he asks where it is say you are selling it because he was so rude and it wasn't the right thing, in a very matter of fact way.
He may come home contrite and apologetic, in which case you can rethink what you do. But he needs to knwo this is not acceptable.

I think it is telling that he even asked for such an expensive gift. At 14 he should understand that money is tight and that is beyond your means. When mine were younger, money was very short and so we didn't spend a lot - someone upthread asked if those who spent small amount kids still had tablets,consoles etc - well mine didn't. They knew those things were beyond my means, so they didn't ask.
When my DS was old enough for a job, he saved and bought an xbox for himself.

I know you want to buy your kids what they ask for, but if you can't afford it, you can't. 14 is old enough to understand that some families have more money than others. I would sit them all down explain the situation and say birthday gift limit will be £30 each (or whatever you can afford). And frankly they need to step up and start getting you a card/ making you a cake or whatever for your birthday.

Don't get upset because a rude 14yr old was unkind. Get firm and get blunt, let him know that this morning's performance has made you reassess the whole birthday gift situation and from now onthings are going to change.

Miladamermalada
First of all, stop being so hard on yourself! You are obviously a mum who wants the best for her children & is doing everything to make it happen BUT right now you need some help
You need help with your finances, with your accommodation & with parenting (in terms of boundaries, expectations, priorities) but all these are things that can be worked on!
Ask for a Homestart referral or find someone who can help ... there are plenty of MNs who would willingly help if you’d be comfortable sharing roughly where you live?

People are here to help, you do not have to carry on trying to do everything on your own

I really understand why you are feeling so unhappy - and there is nothing so frustrating as feeling you've raised an ungrateful child...

However, from reading your other posts it seems your son is autistic. A response that might feel 'entitled little bastard' to you, probably feels different to him. This response could well be more about the autism than it is about him (ungrateful) or about you (rearing ungrateful children).

I truly hope you've got enough to eat and not skimped on food. You know your son well enough. Does he normally show gratitude - is it in his emotional range? You know if he will understand the notion that he hasn't been grateful enough.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to take the xbox back and cash it in to teach him a lesson as I'm not sure it's going to teach him a lesson about gratitude. Maybe you need to tell him why it upset you and then take back the xbox get him the one he wants?

It all sounds very harsh and tough though. Raising adolescents and teenagers is hard. Raising adolescents and teenagers is hard if they have emotional problems. Coping with all that as a single mum is even harder.

It's really lovely that you tried to give him the birthday you wanted and really gutting for you that he didn't - or couldn't - appreciate it.

x

We have cupboard basics just cant do a shop
Noone will starve will give dc best stuff
Been rejected by homestart as am a professional and clean home
Doing loft for dd1 (10) friend doing it for material cost and beer start in 2 mths will do as i can buy bits month by month
Am awaiting parenting course i asked at school for referral

Not allowed any contact with their dad-social services rule or they go in care

Oldest autistic not bday boy.
He just gets angry cant show emotion school aware in group therapy

Its a life lesson learned today

I know this isn't a helpful comment but I can't believe how much parents spend on their children in this day and age.

What happened to roller skates, crayola sets and Spirograph!

take it back I would.

What happened to roller skates, crayola sets and Spirograph!

We moved out of the '70s!

OP hope you're feeling a bit better now.

I think at some point you need to let DS know how much you are struggling financially. He is going to need to live in the adult world at some point and seeing how you cope and sacrifice is a great learning curve. I wouldn't do it just yet though as it will backfire and he'll think you're trying to point score etc.

Be calm tonight, don't shout, don't rant. Give him his dinner calmly (but not his xbox) and quietly. Talk about his day if he won't engage happily just ignore and don't rise to it.

Good luck. I' m sure we'll all be dipping in and out of MN to give you a virtual hand hold.

He just gets angry cant show emotion school aware in group therapy

So he has got some kind of MH issues OP? I wish posters would include relevant information in their post since it obviously effects the best thing to do.

You should be able to take it back and get a refund if its unopened. Buy yourself something with the money left over from food and essentials!

What happened to roller skates, crayola sets and Spirograph!

People probably still get them for toddlers. They were never given to teenagers. I agree that expectations have gone up though. My 15th birthday present in the 80s was a pair of non-NHS glasses. My parents were very well off by most people's standards but that must have been the expectation at the time as I didn't feel hard done by (although looking back I think they were quite stingy!)

apologies didn't read the whole thread.

but I agree with people material expectations for teens have gone through the roof.

OP, it must be really hard to be struggling alone, after an abusive marriage, with poverty and MH issues. Just remember that those bits are not your son's fault. He is not old enough to make sensible decisions about spending, particularly if, for reasons beyond your control, you have not been able to give him that kind of training.

Be angry with him as you would be angry if you were comfortably off and he had been rude. He would still need pulling up over that. But don't add any extra anger or lay any guilt on him because you spent the money that should have gone on shopping. Whether it was you who made that decision or your bipolar, that part can't be laid at his door. It is very unfair to blame him for that and it will make him feel hard done by. It will also make him feel frightened, because if you aren't in control of the family, who is? And frightened teenagers get angry.

If you do tend to make decisions that backfire, you might want to sit down and make a plan some time when you're feeling ok: this is how we will handle x, this is how we will handle y. My dd who is waiting for a bipolar diagnosis has made arrangements for how she can access her HE money so she doesn't spend it all at once. Depending on how much control you have when you are feeling unwell you might be able to do something with just allocating set sums for birthdays and maybe asking him to come up with a birthday list within those limits.

As long as you introduce it gently and make it clear that neither of you is to blame, you can discuss those plans with him. Just try not to make him feel guilty for not having understood all this of his own. Young people need to be trained. You are starting his training now, because circumstances completely beyond your control meant you couldn't start it earlier. It is not your fault, it is not his fault.

I had a rubbish childhood, full of secrets so I am always straight with mine. No need to overload them with information or use emotional blackmail, just tell them the truth.
" I dont have enough money to buy you everything you want"

Thats life! and the young man will find that out pretty soon.

Also you are accidently giving out the message that you dont count.

Its so bloody hard and boring but it will be better in the end.

Miladamermalada
I am so pleased to see that you have already started to get help for your DS and ask for help for yourself. Keep asking. If you are struggling with finances then please do speak to someone like the CAB or CAP and they can help you organise your money and deal effectively with any debts you may have.

Have a look at this book (try the library if you aren't in a position to buy it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically-ebook/dp/B00GLS4XT4/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+explosive+child&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1529580120&sr=8-1

I have 14 year old who has a pretty easy life, we are not particularly permissive parents, his behaviour is generally good and he was still stropping around this morning because he is tired after exams and sports day (he was being so ridiculously stroppy at one point that I started to laugh which was a bit of a parenting fail )

Oh you poor thing.... I would take the Xbox back as its madness to spent £500 on something when your going without basics. As he is 14 tell him that you have put say £150 aside towards an Xbox but that he will need to get a job or if he cant (some employers cant employ younger kids these days because of insurance etc) then he will need to do things for you to earn the additional funds to build up to buy the "right"£ Xbox. As a single mum with MH problems and sole custody £150 for his present is more than generous.

For him and your other child I would also tell them (and as he was looking for his tie Im guessing he is in secondary) that after age xx (12/13??) all washing, getting their clothes ready etc will be their responsibility. I went to boarding school at 12 so no one washed my uniform or my clothes and got things ready for me. I have never flounced at my mum to demand where my school PE kits was or where my favourite top was - as it was solely my responsibility to sort it out. Tell them - their uniform / their responsibility. I will not be washing any of my childrens clothes once they are 13. The more they do at a younger age the more they will appreciate the effort / time / money involved.

Fell better OP

I would take it away and make him earn it back bit by bit.

Come up with a list of 10 jobs. For each job he gets a credit. So 6 credits would be getting the Xbox back. Another 3 credits he gets the game he wanted and so on. Break it down how you like but put a system into place where he has to put some work in to get it. If he does not do it by x date it goes on gumtree. You've given him a chance and the ball is in his court.

You could use the system for future presents or treats to modify his behaviour.

You sound like a brilliant mum op

Hey OP,
Sounds like a rough day for you.
Have you ever tried doing a financial book?
Every month you put your income in.. and work what bills needs to pay including food shop. And then what ever money you have spare put it away for Xmas and birthday..

Does he do chores around the house?
If so give him some money towards it.. as he has earned it by helping you clean up the house.
and as for the Xbox keep it. It was brought as a gift. Just hide it somewhere as he needs to learn his attitude towards you was wrong. The game he didn't want? Sell it? If he doesn't want it no point in having it. The game that he didn't want keep the money and get the basic you need to last you till next pay day.

no dont hide anything and play stupid games. This is too important.

You cant afford it. He was rude. It goes back and the money goes on feeding your family.
You have an adult chat with him and get some support.
No bloody hiding things.

I don't usually spend so much it's because he wanted something big. And I said for xmas they'd get like one game each.
I usually budget very well I got caught behind paying large credit card bills from taking them away and can't seem to catch up. And am getting charges.