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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful kid-gutted

291 replies

Miladamermalada · 21/06/2018 06:43

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 21/06/2018 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Storm4star · 21/06/2018 08:09

OP i think a lot of the advice you’re getting would just escalate the situation. He’s your son. Imposing a raft of severe punishments will just drive a bigger wedge between the two of you and 14 is a tricky age. What there needs to be here is some honest discussion between the two of you.

CaMePlaitPas · 21/06/2018 08:10

You spent £500 on a present for a 14 year old but you don't have any food or bin bags?! I'm sorry I nearly fell over when I read that.
I would be inclined to tell him that I was taking it back if it's the "wrong one" (hope you kept the receipt!) and then never mention it again. If he's giving you silent treatment you can do the same, as my parents used to say to me "you'll need me a lot sooner than I'll need you". Your child acted in a particularly unpleasant way, tell him. You're the adult, he's not fully grown, he obviously still needs a lot of parenting.
Don't be discouraged OP, the road is long and one day he'll understand how bloody difficult life and parenting is.

musicposy · 21/06/2018 08:12

He's off on a school trip next month that i need to pack for.

Why? He's 14, not 8. Mine were responsible for themselves at that age. If he only packs t shirts and he's going to Iceland, that's a natural consequence. If he's too lazy to do it at all, let him take the consequence of that. Or make other things he gets from you dependent on getting it done.

You are honestly asking far too little of this boy. I don't get parents who say their DC won't help round the house. Mine have to help. If they want internet time/ me to cook meals for them/ a lift into town/ friends round, they have to pull their weight.

This stuff is easier done from a much younger age than this so I suspect you may have a few battles ahead. But you need to stop acting like such a doormat, especially with sons. Otherwise you're sending out the message loud and clear that all future women in his life are there to run around behind him.

Ruffian · 21/06/2018 08:15

Before his party said i was ashamed to call him my son as was making sweet cones and party food to save money and he wouldnt even play with the 2 yo so i could do it

Did you use those words - 'i'm ashamed to call you my son'? Is that how you routinely speak to your dc? I think that kind of language can be pretty damaging to relationships long-term.

petrolpump28 · 21/06/2018 08:22

please stuff doesnt equal happiness. Its such a hard thing in this time to maintain that.

Can you get some support?

SeaEagleFeather · 21/06/2018 08:23

mila it sounds like an impossibly tough situation you're in, specially with having MH issues.

No advice, you've had plenty of good stuff already, but Flowers

Keep on keeping on, your love shines through and your desire for a better life for them.

petrolpump28 · 21/06/2018 08:29

its admirable to want a good life for your kids, better than you had. But " stuff" isnt the way forward.
At 14 he may be entirely convinced it is. You may be in for a long, tedious and repetitive road ahead.
You cannot allow this to continue.

Get support, get your boundaries sorted out.

Original poster
Miladamermalada · 21/06/2018 08:29

Ruffian no never. He was so naughty i had no other words to use.

OP posts:
petrolpump28 · 21/06/2018 08:30

and as for saying youre ashamed of him.....stuff that. I doubt very much he will be scared for life.

TisNowt · 21/06/2018 08:30

I think you need to start doing proper budgeting. Spending so much on a kids birthday when you are shiny and in debt is beyond daft and is going to make you feel worse and more out of control than you do.

I wonder how much you spend on birthdays and Christmas a year?

It would take time and hard work but you need to work out exactly what your incomings and outgoings are and you need to work out and stick to a budget.

I'd wait until the dust settles and then speak with your son. You can't continue to let him act like this. Turn off the WiFi and only let him. Have access once he has done some chores and behaved.

Ruffian · 21/06/2018 08:38

But Mila you can see how that might be damaging? Especially as, from his point of view, it was just a tedious request to keep his sibling amused. Because he doesn't do anything he'd have no idea how stressful it was for you trying to get stuff made for the party and how much you wanted it all to go well.

Whatever the op has been through these dc have been through it with her, including the ds. Words that for another kid might be throwaway could go much deeper here.

Cagliostro · 21/06/2018 08:39

You are very overcrowded, are you on the housing register?

Mrsmadevans · 21/06/2018 08:39

We are very comfortable financially and would never spend that much on our DDS birthday , even 18th or 21st. You have been over compensating OP.
I think you need to get some help with your own mental health OP then once you get in a healthier place you can then cope better with the DC. It really isn't their fault , l know he has been ungrateful but the life they had must have been horrific. They must be scarred from it too.
Good luck with the future and please look after yourself , the DC rely on you so much , if you go down in a heap what on earth will happen to them then ?

Soloooo · 21/06/2018 08:40

So how do teenagers get all the latest technology then if according to parents on here, their dc get £20 in a card?

se22mother · 21/06/2018 08:42

Op I feel for you. I'm a single parent and do on occasion overcompensate for the missing parent. It's also tough when there isn't a second adult to back you up in terms of discipline. Hope you are okThanks

Thespringsthething · 21/06/2018 08:43

I think swinging from very permissive parenting (which is what you are doing now, giving lots of gifts, no requirement for chores, allowing son to rule the roost) to very harsh parenting is not likely to work here. Someone suggested not allowing them to have a proper bed but only a mattress on the floor- that's ludicrous and likely to get a massive kick back/him run away.

You say you have mental health issues, so everything is doubly hard for you. Can you get any support from anywhere to help you keep on a more even keel with regard to parenting? What is needed is to be very consistent, a few rules (e.g. no swearing, no hurting others, everyone does one chore each week) but not implemented harshly or aggressively.

I also agree the gender inbalance needs addressing. Your girls have as much right to have space as your boys- and it makes sense for both children to share and you to have a small room (if there are 3). If there are only two rooms, there's not much choice anyway, but your son having one room and the women having three sends out a very strong message he's the boss here and that is important to tackle.

I think you need support to implement a more consistent regime at home, not just making knee-jerk actions to put your son down. Yes, he was ungrateful, but he's been made that way and harsh over-reaction now won't solve that.

Flowerfae · 21/06/2018 08:43

Sorry Miladamermalada, that sounds awful.

I would take it back and if he's old enough to get a job, make him get one and earn it himself.. he may appreciate how much it takes to save up for an X-Box then. Our 3 had a Switch for Christmas, this is the first time we got them something big, as we usually spend £50 each on them, but it was between them all, not just for one and they were really really happy to get it. Maybe you could consider something like that? (Not until you can actually afford to buy one, and leave it a few years until you can ..he might not be as happy about it, but I would say to him that you can't afford it).

Flowerfae · 21/06/2018 08:44

Sorry Miladamermalada, that sounds awful.

I would take it back and if he's old enough to get a job, make him get one and earn it himself.. he may appreciate how much it takes to save up for an X-Box then. Our 3 had a Switch for Christmas, this is the first time we got them something big, as we usually spend £50 each on them, but it was between them all, not just for one and they were really really happy to get it. Maybe you could consider something like that? (Not until you can actually afford to buy one, and leave it a few years until you can ..he might not be as happy about it, but I would say to him that you can't afford it).

Thespringsthething · 21/06/2018 08:44

I meant three women sharing one room and him having his own room is really unbalanced.

TrudeauGirl · 21/06/2018 08:44

So how do teenagers get all the latest technology then if according to parents on here, their dc get £20 in a card?

They don't need every piece of the latest technology and if they do get it, they should be grateful and not make their own mother cry with ungrateful strops.

I was never like that as a teen, if I received a phone or a games console I didn't care which one it was.

Then again i didn't put so much value on electronics as many do now. Turning your nose up at any present is beyond rude.

Orangecake123 · 21/06/2018 08:46

It kind of reminds me of having only one item on my Christmas wish list.Price of the item was £15.50. I said thank you but I was disappointed. He shouldn't have stropped, but it's unreasonable to spend that much on a present when you can't afford it.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2018 08:47

You have serious mental health conditions, have been a victim of DV and have a disabled child. Your children need serious help, not more money spent on them. Are you worried your son will become violent if he doesn't get his way? Is there any support they are getting from outside agencies?

Orangecake123 · 21/06/2018 08:47

*it wasn't the same thing but a poncho.

Ruffian · 21/06/2018 08:48

So how do teenagers get all the latest technology then if according to parents on here, their dc get £20 in a card?

Apparently Solooo they all get paper-rounds and save up..Hmm

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