Ungrateful kid-gutted

[Miladamermalada]

Todays my sons birthday hes 14
Am single mum he had a party got loads of presents.
Wanted an xbox earphones and games. I skint myself to get thes and i mean skint. Ive no food bin bags nothing.
Hes just opened the xbox before anything else and thrown the wrapper on the floor in a strop and refused to speak. Apparently its the wrong one.
I usually take photos as they open presents but im so disgusted Ive come to bed crying.
I must have spent 500 quid.
Never again.
Ive raised entitled little bastards. His brother-also barged in my bedroom demanding to know where his tie was at 06 00. I have chronic illness and said he cant come in but he can knock after 7.
Aibu to ask where i have gone wrong.

justignore

With regards to OP calling him an entitled little bastard or whatever it was, perhaps that was just anger at the time of posting (although from reading th post it seems that it's pretty accurate) I would hope she just talk about them like to their faces/within earshot.

How does a 14 year old contribute?
At 14 (and younger) I was expected to help around the face, vacuuming, washing up, cleaning the bathroom etc... if OP has a chronic illness I really hope this is happening anyway.
I also had regular babysitting jobs because I wanted to buy & do things with my friends and money was tight for my parents.

I learned that if I wanted something it wouldn't just be handed to me on a plate.

My (single after dv-same situation shes dead now) mum one year got me a 10 pound makeup bag for xmas i was 15. I smiled and said i loved it becauae i was grateful for it even if id have liked more. For 18th bday i got a card. Wouldnt have thought to be nasty and moan.
My daughter is the same-obviously im repeating a dynamic today and it needs to stop.

He’s an entitled little knob because you’ve taught him to be.

Also a two year old in a travel cot and he has his own room? Pathetic

No they do nothing at all.
Sick of asking.
Before his part said inqas ashamed to call him my son as was making sweet cones and party food to save money and he wouldnt even play with the 2 yo so i could do it

I know post

The 2 yo has a toddler bed but wont sleep in it

Milada don't ask them, tell them.
If they don't do stuff then there are repercussions.

And im in debt and struggling to get on top of it.
I know im stupid.
My lifes been shit wanted more for them

Easy for me to say all cosy behind a screen but I'd take them back. Oh dont get me wrong it'd hurt me to do it.

You seem like you're struggling with managing day to day life, and your circumstances seem very difficult. 4 kids in a small house, sharing with your daughters, a child with Autism, you must be feeling the pressure to normalise some of this for your kids.

BUT

YOu'RE doing this in a childish way. You can't spend the stress away. Spending all the money on a birthday present isn't going to make anyone feel good. Your fourteen year old upset you so you're crying in bed, WTF? GROW UP! You are the ADULT. Take the presents away and calmly tell him his response is vile and you don't accept it, that you will rethink over the next week about whether to give him that gift or whether to sell it on Gumtree.

£500 for a birthday present is £2000 a year on all your kids. That's £166 a month. That's enough money to pay for the rent on a bigger hours, or better food, or some activities to get them out of the house.

Spending food money on a toy is IDIOT BEHAVIOUR. and it was your behaviour, not your son's.

I remember your other thread I think, if you aren’t the same poster my apologies in advance.

Your (ex) husband was very abusive as I recall.
This makes things tricky but I think ultimately you are spoiling him / prioritsing the males and their “wants” to the detriment of the females in the house. The rooms, the £500 birthday...

This is not a goady question but
I’m assuming you didn’t spend £500 on your daughters birthday?

Essentially the situation means they haven’t had a great male role model, and you are inadvertently reinforcing the message your ex-H gave that men=important & women=subservient/unimportant

You had good advice about the rooms (the boys should share) And good advice here -RETURN IT

And good luck
While people have made the point you shouldn’t go without food to buy the console, your heart was in the right place and I think you tried to do something really nice and the way he reacted and it panned out was shit.
I hope things get better

Unfortunately, these days seems the more kids have the more they want. He is old enough to discuss your financial situation with. I would take the X box back, he already has his own TV lucky him.However, you as other posters have said, dont prioritise a present over food, etc.

Don't enjoy birthdays or xmas just me slogging to provide stuff

Stop providing stuff, then. Solve your financial issues and your ungrateful DC issues in one go. Children need food, a place to sleep, clothes and love (sometimes a bit of tough love). Even teens don't need a crap ton of stuff, much as they might try to persuade you otherwise.

I put a stop to stockings last Christmas as DC are late teens and we just couldn't afford it. We gave each other one small present each (I'm talking a tenner here). It was honestly one of the best Christmases we've ever had. Just fun instead of nothing but a ton of stuff.

You are mistaking money for love. Stop sacrificing so much. Only you can provide the solution to this.

For those people who are comfortably off, spending £500 on a birthday does seem ludicrous. Because their kids probably haven't gone without all year. But when you are struggling the impulse to treat your kids on birthdays and Christmas is almost overwhelming. Its not the same.
OP, you're not going to send the XBox back. I wouldn't either. But I would sit him down at a calm moment and tell him that you cannot do this any longer. Set a limit that you can afford for presents (I have told my 4 kids £100) Stick to it. The first time it will be a bit hard and you will need to resist the urge to buy more. Once they have adjusted to the new budget (which will take only one birthday or christmas) things will be as they were before. I can't promise they will be grateful, but at least you won't have killed yourself in the attempt, and will be able to buy things that you need.
This is something that I am doing at the moment to counteract the rampant spending I have done. I have had a few strops. But then, we had them anyway, didn't we OP?

Do you spend £500 per birthday on your other children?

*Here are my suggestions:

1. Take the console back.

1. If he has any extras (e.g. phone, computer privileges) those are GONE for a month at least.

1. He gets a mattress on the floor, or the couch, with some blankets, also for at least a month.

1. He gets basic meals and basic clothes. No treats, no extras.

1. You might look into seeing if it's possible for him to do so some volunteer work for the less fortunate.

He needs to learn some gratitude*

Wow! He had a teenage strop, he didnt murder someone! Prisoners get more rights than you’re suggesting.

I agree he needs to be punished but the x box alone going back (if thats what OP decides to do) is a big punishment in itself.

I dont know what makes some kids act that way. I was also a lone parent for a long time and I did spend a fair bit on birthdays/christmas, main reason being a lot of kids get gifts from other relatives, mine didnt. But mine were always grateful for what they got. So i dont think its just the buying of things that makes kids ungrateful.

I second taking it back, getting your money back and buying your essentials instead. He needs a tough lesson. Let him sulk, too. Don't pander to him. And please don't spend this kind of money and leave yourself short again, it's a terrible lesson to teach children.

Cold. You may have a point, but Its not helpful. At this moment op doesn't need home truths or kick up the arse. She needs support and a listen ear.
You have a bloody good cry, Mila

I know this is my fault i need to stop as im making monsters

that's a pretty good starting place!

Start treating your daughters as equal with your sons
Start telling your dc when your birthday is and that you expect something from them even if it's just a card and a cup of tea in bed.
Start making a list of chores for them to do to help you with sanctions for not doing them.

And get your 14-year-old to do his packing for this trip (then check it at the end!) He needs more responsibility so he can understand more how much you are doing.

Even if they resist at first you must step up and be a proper parent.

I know.

I'm really sorry to hear that, it's so tough being a single parent - even more so when money is tight.

I can understand why you wanted to treat him, even if it was a misguided use of limited funds. When there is an absence of nice stuff, I know that you feel like you want your kids to have something like the other kids seem to.

What's important is what you do next.

I would sell the console and make it clear that you will give him a contribution to the new one later but he has to earn the other £400 himself .

Bad behaviour ,yes.
I wouldn't start by returning the XBox though.I think it depends a lot on the individual teenager whether that would teach an important lesson or just create a shed load of bad feeling between the two of you,which you do not need at that age.
With mine that would cue talk - about what getting the presents meant for the family finances,gratitude,and ffs not assuming the worst straight off - he had got what he wanted,hadn't he?
We are a talky family and it works for us,might not for all kids.At the end of it if I felt he had learned the lesson I'd leave it,because the goal is realising what he did wrong and not doing it in future - if there was still attitude I'd escalate.

Have you packed up the console again so it's still in original packaging? Don't let him open it or it's harder to return.
Agreed, £500 Is crazy. I got presents like you mention growing up. But my dc now have a maximum of £100 per Christmas or birthday.

I’m sorry OP as this is a shit situation but I’m not sure how else you expected him to turn out? You have spent £500 on his birthday to the point where you can’t afford basics, you are in debt and you share a room with your daughters whilst he gets his own room. He has this attitude because your actions are showing him that he is the top of the household.

Op I can understand why you spent so much and prioritised his birthday. You want to be able to give him the stuff he wants.
If your the poster I think it’s even more understandable.
I do the same completely prioritise mine over everything and it all because I don’t want them to miss out because of the shit situation we’ve found ourself in.

But what it means is it hurts more if we don’t get the gratitude it deserves, the sacrifice is huge so the gratitude should be too.

I’d be tempted to take it all back (bar the game he wanted that he now can’t play) and tell him he can save himself. Meanwhile buy yourself a cream cake and some bin bags.