To want our stuff back?

[PowerTools]

Bit of guidance needed because I'm sure I'm NBU but everyone is telling me otherwise and now I'm doubting myself.

Late last year DH's younger brother bought his first house and moved in with his partner. We lent him most of the contents of our garage so he could do up the house - gardening stuff, sanders, drills, basically all the major tools you need as we figured there was no point them spending money when they could borrow from us.

Anyway months have passed and we need stuff back to work on our own house however DBIL is now saying that he hasn't finished with the stuff yet as he hasn't had time to get everything done. The kicker is he's also saying that as we're better off we should just buy all the tools again! For context - DBIL is public sector and his partner is on minimum wage whereas we're both on around £35k.

I feel like we've done them a massive favour and they can always borrow the tools again at some point. DMIL is always on DBIL's side and has said that we can afford to buy new stuff but I don't want to have to spend hundreds. DH has always been expected to look after his brother and thinks we can easily buy another hedge strimmer (the current needed tool) but doesn't seem to grasp that we're also going to have to purchase everything again if we don't get stuff back.

AIBU? And how the heck do I get my stuff back short of raiding their house?!

So sorry for you OP.

Price it up and tell them how long it will take you to earn the replacements (unless it's half an hour in which case don't say anything!). They think your money doesn't count as you clearly have so much of it, maybe they'll respect your time.

Well, you don't need to think of any presents for a while...

And why does the cheeky bastard think that you should replace your own kit that you kindly lent when you too are on low incomes. If you were loaded it would still be cheeky but ffs.

CF of a golden child! Dh needs to find his spine! Bil absolutely piss-taking!! They've had at least 6/7 months to get their arses in gear and get the work done - at least 23 weekends inc Easter a 4 day weekend! What were they doing instead?!

Why not price up the TOTAL cost of replacing EVERYTHING and presenting dh with this list with figs?

My dad was a tradesman/DIY fan, he has good quality tools he's built a stock of over the years. He's happy to lend but is always clear its only a loan, and tells people when he expects it returned - he's been burned too many times, including by one sibling who not only reneges on agreed return dates but has broken through carelessness a few high cost items.

When you do that list, I'll happily bet you its £1000's not £100's - dh willing to just give away £1000's of goods?

In addition what a ridiculous WASTE having perfectly good tools doing nothing!

And what business it is of mil's AT ALL is beyond me! Did bil go cliping to mumsy?!

"To be fair, the reluctance to return items that don't belong to them would have me concerned that they'd been mistreated or broken or something." I wondered this, I also wouldn't put it past them to have lent/sold it to somebody else! Ur post at 0815 makes this MORE likely.

NEVER lend anything you're not willing to lose permanently is the best advice for anyone.

I learnt LONG ago to lend NOTHING to my sis (we're now nc - this is one of the reasons), she is an EXPERT at gaslighting people into believing they GAVE her whatever she borrowed inc large sums of money, camping eqpt...even cars! My parents have 'loaned' her £10,000's which they've not seen a penny of since! Bro is the opposite, he's like me, HATES borrowing even 'officially' and pays back/returns ASAP.

For me it's books - cheap per item but if I were to add up the total cost of all the books I've lent and never had returned, easily in the hundreds! 😪

Is it just me or are far too many mners married to husbands with no assertiveness in them at all???

⬆️all written before reading your update at 1811

You & dh must be simultaneously sad & angry.

Bil & partner MUST pay to replace - no ifs buts or maybes - set up a payment plan if necessary.

Even if you don't do this NEVER loan to them again - cheeky, careless bastards!!! - can I just add, sorry, but I strongly believe mil knew too!

Introduce them to the concept (which mil clearly never bothered to!)
You break it you bought it!!

"deduct what you would've spent on any Christmas and birthday presents from the total." I honestly wouldn't be getting them ANY gifts for quite some time if they don't agree to replace - and no, not getting gifts from them wouldn't bother me either.

It's not daft it IS massively disrespectful and hurtful behaviour.

Oh how sad to read.
DH and I don't have much money but what large tools we do have, were very, very expensive to us. Because of where we lived (think 6ft brambles and heavily wooded surroundings in a rural cottage) we had to buy top of the range shit to do the huge jobs. The power washer was one step under being industrial, the strimmer was professional, able to chop down saplings with ease, Hedge trimmer was almost a chainsaw and the leaf blower was heavy duty too. All of which are my absolute pride and joy. It means a lot when you finally buy all those "grown up" things of your own after years of calling up dad for him to help you out.

They're now stored at my mum's and ever since we lent our power washer to a friend and it came back dead (no offer to replace, repair or compensate) she has them locked up tight and wouldn't even think to use them without checking with us first, even though we wouldn't know!

Other than to trusted family members I won't lend anything out. I just pretend it's broken, tell them it's already out on loan or more often than not, offer to come do the job myself/get DH to.

I'm sorry for their CFery. Take pics and print off replacement costs. Tools don't change much so they should probably still be for sale somewhere if not, their same spec equivalents are. Give BIL the replacement list.

It's not at all daft to feel that they've been disrespectful – they have.

Send them a bill. Even if they don't pay it, they need the point making to them.

I wouldn't bother seeing the cunts again either, for a long time, possibly not for ever.

@powertools did BIL even apologise? Did they say what their plan was - to replace them or just to avoid you forever?

It's always amusing when you've lent someone something, and if you keep asking for it back they get really pissed off by your rudeness 😂 I lent someone I knew in a craft class a specialist file, and every time I saw him for weeks I asked him for it back. Every time it was "it's at home, forgot to bring it in", but he gradually got more and more rude about me 'tormenting him' about it. I lost my temper finally and said OK, I'll buy another one, can I have £23 please, and he lost his shit entirely. Said it couldn't possibly have cost that much, did I think he was a moron, give over about your fucking file FFS. I had to give up, but I learned a lesson about lending things because asking for them back constitutes harassment 🙄

"Send them a bill. Even if they don't pay it, they need the point making to them." Agree, they need to be made to face up to what it's cost you.

I'd be VERY low contact from this point on too.

As an aside, sounds like your dh is type where anger silently grows, be prepared for him to erupt at his brother over something else - even something trivial - because it has to come out somewhere. He may think he's 'over it' and it'll sneak up on him. The craziest things can be the final straw.

So sorry to hear about your situation. It particularly hurts when it's family that does it to you. If you have the photos you could bill them for the damage, then file a small claims complaint for the cost of replacement. A variation on my method of dealing with the CF who parked on my property and I won a legal claim for parking charges + costs.

If they don't pay up. which they likely won't, get judgment against them which will get onto their credit records about six weeks after getting the judgment. It costs a few pounds but could give you a longer-term satisfaction, and make the point when they eventually realise the effect of that.

You have to show evidence of trying to get compensation from the perp before the court will allow your claim to go ahead.

Just a thought. Every individual feels differently about something like this, to some it's not worth the effort or the few pounds, to others, including me, it's worth standing up for principles and showing I can't be taken for granted. And sometimes it gets you your money back. What they are, are common criminals.

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm glad it's not just me being outraged by this!

We got a new hedge strimmer yesterday so we can finally tackle the front of the house - £85! I mean it's not awful but it's more than our weekly grocery bill so I'm back to pissed off again... DH's sister heard what happened from MIL (meaning BIL has been complaining about it to her) and is firmly on our side and apparently put MIL straight on a few things too.

I’m really glad someone else has put mil straight - and that you obviously have backup from others in the family.

He obviously doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. So as unfortunate as it is, there might not be a way back from this

I bet BILs story was that there was nothing wrong with the tools whatsoever and you are the mean ones stealing the tools when he so desperately needs them..

OP
You are richer than they are so you should

• pay for their groceries
• pay their mortgage
• buy them the cool electronics they want
• get them a car while you’re at it
• make sure you buy all rounds and pay for any days out or meals
• don’t forget cool presents

It’s only fair.

Also, if you send your dc to private school pay for BIL’s kids to go too. Also pay for their school dinners and clothes and school trips.

After all, you’re richer.

There should be a few years now of "Oh we didn't buy you a birthday present - we spent the money on a new drill set/ paint rollers etc instead. You don't mind, do you?"

It may sound mean but it will do them a favour - perhaps they'll learn some respect.

Are you sure MIL didn't know about this all along? If she was suggesting you let BIL keep the stuff, it sounds like she already knew it wasn't fit to return.

Definitely agree not a penny spent on them for birthdays, Xmas etc for several years (and I bet they spend minimal on you and DH as it is). Needless to say never ever let them borrow anything ever again.

Toolgate
Your bil is a prize dick.

I do like the idea of, for the next few Christmases and birthdays, giving them a picture of one of the items that they trashed, together with a picture of the item "new" and its cost. Box it up so that it looks like something substantial.

A bit passive-aggressive but oh so satisfying And it would get the message across about the "cost" of borrowing and not looking after other people's property.

They seem like adolescent teenagers who know the cost of nothing and think that the world owes them a living

Hope you sent the invoice to Twat BIL.

@TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt

There should be a few years now of "Oh we didn't buy you a birthday present - we spent the money on a new drill set/ paint rollers etc instead. You don't mind, do you?"

Love that idea, and @prettybird's suggestion of the photos.

You could add to the pictures with one of a chainsaw with the caption: " This is what you use to cut down trees " ....alongside pictures of lopers and hedge trimmers, with what they can be used for (ie small branches and, ummmm, hedges ).

You could add to the pictures with one of a chainsaw with the caption: " This is what you use to cut down trees "

Haha I love this - so tempted! Well our new hedge trimmer works a treat which is nice. No word from BIL or MIL for that matter - to be honest I'm hoping they keep a shame faced silence and leave us be! Fingers crossed...

Have you heard from them yet? Only just managed to get caught up, don't believe the cheek of them.

Sounds like the family dynamics are all messed up. Baby brother can do no wrong and your DH is expected to look after him and put up with unlimited crap. AT least it's a lesson learned and they'll be getting no help from you in the future.