To want our stuff back?

[PowerTools]

Bit of guidance needed because I'm sure I'm NBU but everyone is telling me otherwise and now I'm doubting myself.

Late last year DH's younger brother bought his first house and moved in with his partner. We lent him most of the contents of our garage so he could do up the house - gardening stuff, sanders, drills, basically all the major tools you need as we figured there was no point them spending money when they could borrow from us.

Anyway months have passed and we need stuff back to work on our own house however DBIL is now saying that he hasn't finished with the stuff yet as he hasn't had time to get everything done. The kicker is he's also saying that as we're better off we should just buy all the tools again! For context - DBIL is public sector and his partner is on minimum wage whereas we're both on around £35k.

I feel like we've done them a massive favour and they can always borrow the tools again at some point. DMIL is always on DBIL's side and has said that we can afford to buy new stuff but I don't want to have to spend hundreds. DH has always been expected to look after his brother and thinks we can easily buy another hedge strimmer (the current needed tool) but doesn't seem to grasp that we're also going to have to purchase everything again if we don't get stuff back.

AIBU? And how the heck do I get my stuff back short of raiding their house?!

Also whoever said never lend them anything again - I don't think I'll even have to persuade DH at this point.

That's really shitty of them, they have now ruined their chances of ever borrowing anything from you in the future.

Because they are family I'd probably just wright off the loss and not go down the route of sending MIL photographic evidence, sending them a bill etc. As that sounds petty (tempting though) they have shown what disrespectful people they are.

Chalk it up to an expensive lesson learnt and just move on.

Work out how much each item will cost to replace, and let them know. If they don't pay up, deduct what you would've spent on any Christmas and birthday presents from the total.
It really is outrageous behaviour. If you ruin someone else's belongings, you tell them straight away and offer to replace it, not try and avoid the issue by pretending that you aren't home.

How disgusting and disrespectful OP, but not all together unexpected.

I'd ask them what they 're going to do about replacing the damaged stuff and if they don't do anything, I wouldn't bother buying any Christmas/birthday presents for a good few years.

I wouldn't necessarily send the photos to MIL just now, but I can easily imagine her telling you it wasn't "that bad" and you're "just making a fuss". That would be the time to bring out the photos and prove you're not.

I was coming on to say either wrecked or sold, but I can see you've already updated.
I once lent a significant baby related item to a close relative. I was very clear it was a loan. When I needed the item back I was met with excuse after excuse. Until finally they admitted they'd sold it on eBay. They couldn't understand why I was upset and angry and I never saw a penny of the money either. I no longer lend anything I'm likely to need in the future. Some people just don't respect the fact that, whatever your income, the item is still yours.

Oh gosh that's awful - at least for us it's not anything sentimental. Just a pain in the arse...

at least for us it's not anything sentimental. Just a pain in the arse...

Yes but's it the principle of it as well isn't it? You lend something you expect to get it back in the same condition. What did BIL say when DH turned up unannounced?

Maybe they sold them?

Pretty pathetic claiming that they'd be out tomorrow evening and Saturday all day from 5am. 😁 Did they not think that it would all catch up with them eventually?

That's awful OP. You do a nice favour for someone and they go and damage your stuff. It's horrible they didn't even have the decency to tell you or look at after the equipment.

That's horrendous, zero respect for other people's property

Wow, that’s outrageous. The fucking entitlement on them! Wreck the stuff and expect that you’d just buy yourself some new equipment. CFs

OP, you may not feel it but you sound like you have the patience of Job.

The borrowed and ruined tools and their value is one thing, but the bigger issue feels like their lies ("You can't come round - we will be out for ever!") and MIL's interference (if she knew). The lies are worse than the 'crime' itself.

Depending on the number (5 or 15) and value (50 or 100+) of the tools, I would not ask for a refund but would be more interested in a genuine, heartfelt apology and explanation. If neither is forthcoming then I would write it (and them, to a great extent) off.....

I'm back now and have seen the extent of the damage and I'm actually quite upset. This will sound daft but it feels really disrespectful - I doubt they'd have treated their own stuff like this. Some of the gardening stuff is completely filthy, there are paint trays and rollers left to go solid and half the pieces are missing from the drill set. Also I'm certain there's more stuff missing than they've admitted to but I probably won't realise what until I need to use it.

DH is mad - he's a real gentle giant but he's so angry about this. I asked what he said but it sounds like he just went quiet and angry when he realised. He said BIL's partner even had the cheek to say the hedge trimmers weren't very good which is why they broke. Probably a good job I wasn't there as I certainly wouldn't have given them the silent treatment.

Oh OP, I'm sorry, what dickheads.

How disrespectful. I’d be so upset if my brother treated me and my belongings this way. Your poor dh. Money aside, this treatment must really hurt coming from his own family. His own mum will choose his db’s side even though you guys are in the right? Just awful.

No more Christmas, birthday, wedding etc gifts until you’ve replaced everything using money you would have spent on their gifts. They say bloody disgrace.

And definitely pictures for MIL.

Given what you have said about your dh being to blame in your mil eyes and her insisting bil get all your things to keep, I think you have a bigger issue. This has just highlighted it.

Bil can do no wrong and so is disrespectful and a cf.

Omg, your bil and partner are idiots. They’ve lied and wrecked your stuff. I’d be super cross and would be demanding replacements like for like. Wankers. I would take incredible care with someone else’s stuff :(

I'm actually quite upset. This will sound daft but it feels really disrespectful

It's not daft at all. It feels disrespectful because it is disrespectful. I would be absolutely furious in your shoes. Have you asked them what they are going to do to put things right?

Really sorry you've been treated like this OP

In fairness to MIL I thought she'd take BIL's side before I realised how bad it was. Now I think the most she'll do is try to down play it because he's the youngest and "only a baby" (in his 30s...)

Tbh I don't think I can stand a family gathering for a while given what's happened. DH is now browsing for a new hedge strimmer and darkly muttering about getting his brother to pay for it but can't really see that happening!

Also I'm not going to get involved personally as it's not my family and family dynamics can be odd, but what upsets me is that in MY family nobody would think twice about lending stuff to one another but also everyone really values the sharealike stuff and takes pride in looking after them. I really don't like that from now on I'm going to have to keep stuff to myself because they can't be trusted.

Would you dare post a 'joke' message on fb warning everyone not to lend him anything as he is clumsy??

"You can't come round - we will be out for ever!"

This is almost funny, except for the gobsmacking CFery! I mean how long did they think they’d be able to put you off for?!

I’m so sorry this has happened OP. It just shows such a lack of respect for you (via the lack of respect for your property and also for the time you spend at work earning the money to pay for it!). It’s very hurtful.