To have explained periods to my 10 year old daughter?

[youdialwetile]

My daughter was at a friend's birthday today and I just got a text from birthday girl's mum with a heads up that periods came up in conversation. All very friendly - said my DD and one guest said they had read the same book about it - the other 2 girls want to borrow the book. I replied that I'd be happy to drop it off. Then other book-reading guest's mum replied that yes, her DD had the book "but has not read THAT chapter" and if her DD knows about periods it's news to her with sad face emoji. Now I feel I'm branded the weirdly irresponsible parent exposing kids to inappropriate information. I'm in the USA which I think makes a difference - but British. Do I reply or ignore? It's a group text for the 5 mums with girls at the party plus host. They are all 10 years old.

Good grief, menstruation can start in girls as young as 8 and it's not always considered early at that age! My DSD asked Hubby about why her mom left the toilet bloody when she was about 3. Hubby explained it to her. Then when she was about 8 we went over it again. (Good thing too as she started at just over 8 and a half. She's tall and her mom started at 9 so we weren't concerned. Her mom was nervous about it being young but I explained to DSD that it's not necessarily so.) I think I was about 10 and my sister about 9 when it was explained to us. I've seen girls as young as 7 who have had it explained to them. (I used to be a Brownie leader and we asked on the health forms for camp if the girls had started their period or at least knew what it was, in case they started suddenly at camp.) It's a normal bodily function and not anything gross.

Mine were never told as such. They were just mentioned as part of normal conversion, probably in the bathroom at 3ish, I can't actually remember. It's always been viewed as a normal bodily function that is no big deal.

Hi OP. I am in USA too and it seems to be hit and miss as to whether families are open about this. In my personal experience here, Catholic families are much more likely to withhold information about bodies, sexuality etc - are you at a Catholic school?

My 9 year old boy asked recently if we would have a party when his sister gets her period - apparently that is a real thing now. His sister is 6 :-)
I cannot imagine letting my children of either sex get to 10 not knowing about something as basic and normal as periods.

Bloody hell. My 7 year old boy (admittedly he has an older sister) knows about periods because they're just a factual part of life which we talk about openly and not in a panicked, embarrassed red faced whisper behind the bathroom door like my mother did

As others say it's totally within the normal range to start periods at 10.

I’m also British in the US.

I think I’d take the tack that I’m rather shocked they haven’t undertaken this basic parenting task well before the age of ten. That’ll shut them up.

My own children (girl and boy) both understood about periods before they started primary school. It’s a perfectly normal bodily function.

I wouldn’t bother to reply to them anymore about this topic. The woman sounds awful. Imagine putting your child in a situation where they suddenly wake up with blood coming out and have no idea what’s happening to them. Hasn’t she seen Carrie? Poor kid would be so scared.

My whole house, boy and girls, will grow up from day one knowing this is normal. Why would you keep it a secret? Teaching women to be ashamed of their bodies is terrible.

My dd (9) has always known about periods because she followed me to the loo when she was younger. At first she was determined that would never happen to her so I was blasé about it. But by about 8 she accepted it as a reality.

Girls of 10 really need to know the basics of puberty by that age. Even if it’s so they can ask their parents why a couple of girls in the class hide in a cupboard when they change for PE - as is happening at dds School. I’ve explained to dd puberty happens at all different ages so she can understand that maybe the girls, who are developing want to hide from those, who aren’t yet. It creates empathy and connection to other women in the making.

Aren’t the children doing puberty at school this year and next?

What is the book btw? Could be interesting for us. Thanks.

Nandocushion

I am a practicing Catholic and was raised Catholic. We were told about periods and sex. I'm a nurse so we are pretty open about normal bodily functions in our house. (Obviously Hubby and I are a little more discreet when it comes to actually DTD, but DSD knows about sex and has for over a year now. She thinks it's gross and I don't think that's a bad way for her to feel right now as she's only 13.)

But it doesn't sound like anyone's flaming you, OP...? Just commenting on what their own kids know or don't yet know... The sad face might just be a 'they grow up so quick' kind of thing. If she started at 14 herself for example, she may have just thought it would be awhile yet. Good that you've helped them realise it's time to read that chapter!

Anyway, the girls are obviously talking about it and nobody seems to be scandalised... I agree that 10 is on the late side to be learning how it all works, but if they haven't started their periods yet and they're learning about it now I don't see that it's a big deal that you've already spoken to your DD, nor a big deal that they haven't yet spoken to theirs. You're the one who sounds like you're being judgemental, not the other way around.

Was just about to say that Dixie!

I would text back that I was genuinely surprised and ask when it does get discussed. There is clearly some cultural difference here. Surely at ten the girls must know? But their mothers dont think they do?

"Dear x (copied to other mothers),

Sorry to hear you didn't want your DC to learn about periods yet. In the UK it is considered responsible parenting to fully inform DC about these issues at an early age, especially as girls are starting to menstruate as young as nine nowadays. I am rather shocked that this is not standard practice in the USA tbh. Hope we can get the girls together again soon! X had a lovely time on x and thanks again for your hospitality."

All best,

Youdialwetile

Obviously this may not be a cultural difference at all but thought it might be a good angle from which to approach the subject!

I started when I was 11/12 or so and would have LOVED support from my mum and her to explain it to me and let me feel that I could talk to her!

Glad to hear it, agnurse. Like I said, it was my personal experience of Catholic families. One of the Catholic families in our (secular) school was particularly upset when their 10yo daughter went on a foreign exchange trip and found out through her host family that women could have babies from men who weren't their husbands (the mother was pregnant despite being separated from her husband). This girl had been led to believe that pregnancy was only a product of marriage, rather than a biological function.

It does also depend on the state - I think some school systems have different timetables of when to introduce reproductive health education.

What I find really odd is that this other girl has 'the book' but her Mum didn't expect her to read all the chapters... Did she tell her not to? Or did she expect her to report back to her on every chapter she read? I know 10 year old me would have definitely been too inquisitive to be given a book and not read through all of it. I wouldn't feel guilty about anything.

YANBU they need to know. My 12yo had her first period this weekend and despite being aware was totally freaked out by it. She is quite squeamish. Thankfully after the initial shock she handled it really well. Although she has told everyone who sits still long enough all about it. So whilst I'm pleased she is ok with it and absolutely don't want her to be embarrassed I need to introduce the concept of TMI

My four year old saw my pads and was curious so I told her. It's a normal process that she'll go through at some point, not some mysterious revelation I'll be making when she gets her first period.

Ok so I'm not crazy - that's good. Just a bit more info for those interested:

Not a Catholic school, it's one of the better elementary schools in a fairly blue collar town.

The book is "The Care and Keeping of You" by Valorie Lee Schaefer. It's an American Girl publication. Sorry don't know how to do links.

No puberty/sex discussion in school. Topics covered so far: teeth...hair...that's about it.

I think I'm just going to lie low on the group chat. Host mum seems quite laid back about things. I don't have a lot of interaction with the parents normally, and school breaks up on Friday.

I'm amazed that the mum gave her a book but is adamant that the daughter hasn't read "THAT" chapter-how does she know? Has she censored the book? It's quite bizarre! Anyway you are NOT bu,10 is quite old (as others have said) for girls to know-in surprised that none of them have started yet tbh

Jesus, the need to know at 10! What on earth are these mothers hiding it from them for? It’s part of life.

My eldest DD knew about periods at 7 when I was pregnant with her sister. She started her periods last week (aged 12) whilst at school and it was no big deal for her.

I really feel for these girls. What happens when they do start? If they are at school? I’m assuming they don’t have a little kit in their bag just in case so will end up being the ones in the school office asking for help because they don’t know what’s going on. Or worse, will sit there worrying about whats happening and not say anything.

You’re definitely not in the wrong OP.

If girls don’t know about periods by the time they are 10, that’s a parenting fail.

Forgot to add that I agree it's odd to give someone a book but not expect them to read the whole thing. I'm not sure how that would work. I scanned through it and then passed onto DD. She read the whole thing and reported back to me about what she was reading about.

Just re-read that - not "reported back" as in I grilled her about what she was reading about. More like she volunteered to share.