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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils have invited themselves to dc sports day, I dont want to go now and dont know what to do.

145 replies

Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 14:11

Pils read our school letter and any time they can get into the school they do.

Fil has invited himself to sports day and I literally feel sick. I cannot stand pils anymore the end for me was after DF died recently and even though we were in time of relative talking, I got fleeting acknowledgement. Relations have soured again during that period FIl made rude comments about me wanting the dc with me on my bday rather than staying with them...( I had to travel due to DF affairs and decided to take dc with us in the end )

" What does she want, a Happy birthday sung on the motorway, poor kids when they could have a day out with us "
Typical comments.

Mil has tainted and ruined nealry everything she has been invited too from moaning at the cost of the gift DH and DF brought me for my 30th up to DD birth when mil was atrocious, even the DC parties she has cried at, been miserable. Xmas she didn't even speak to DH and when she did she was nasty. I don't want them at my dc school events.
What can we do. Fil is off the scale pushy. Off the fucking scale. In the past when DH has not wanted to go to family stuff he has hounded him. Hounded him to pick up a suit he never even wanted for a funeral etc etc etc..I dont want them there or the fear of them encroaching on our days with our DC.

Yes there have been times when I have regretted marrying DH and being tied to these people who are literally like aliens to me and regretted have DC for the same reason. I was reading a great review of Mr Waterford in Handmaids Tale and he reminded me of FIL.

OP posts:
Ariela · 18/06/2018 14:24

Delegate your OH to take time off work for sports day with his parents?

Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 14:28

They have pushed me out in the past - I am reluctant to allow them to do that again. But that would certainly be the easier option however its never mitigated their behaviour in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 14:30

Just to also clarify DH wont particularly want them to be there either, they have dominated him and controlled him in the past and still try too like now.

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 18/06/2018 14:31

Be blunt! YOU ARE NOT INVITED

MissVanjie · 18/06/2018 14:33

well your options are tell them not to come or put up with it

If you tell them not to come and they are as pushy as you say, you will need to tell school that they are not to be admitted

It will start ww3 but it sounds like hints and gentle management aren’t cutting it

CremeBrulee · 18/06/2018 14:34

Your DH needs to man up and tell them they are not invited. Don't let them push you out - they are your DC and will want you there to support them.

justilou1 · 18/06/2018 14:34

Maybe your kids could suddenly come down with “D&V bug” and you can go somewhere else as a family instead while PIL wonder where TF you are?

jay55 · 18/06/2018 14:35

Take the kids out of school for the day and go and do something fun together instead?

Lostin3dspace · 18/06/2018 14:35

Now I have experience of this, and am divorced because of it.
How do they get school letters?
I used to be so angry that my MIL went through DC’s school bag and read any communications in there, even stuff in a brown envelope addressed to me. So, they would invite themselves to everything, and even bag tickets to things where the school would only allocate 2 per child.
I couldn’t post up notices or have a family calendar on my fridge either, as they would look through it and invite themselves.

What steps can you take to limit the information they get?

PatriciaHolm · 18/06/2018 14:36

Tell them they are not invited.

Tell school they are unwelcome. (Though this may be hard to police I appreciate)

If all else fails lie to them and tell them DCs won't be attending sports day.

AllyMcBeagle · 18/06/2018 14:37

How are they reading the letters?

Also, are there any rules that the school has on how many people can attend?

Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 14:38

They read school letter which is in on line.

I cant sacrifice any more family events for them to ruin I really cant and neither do I want to move to Australia.

I think taking DC out maybe the only option but pils will be furious.

OP posts:
Laiste · 18/06/2018 14:38

How are they getting school letters?

Are they reading info on the school website? That's a tricky one.

The choices are clear.

  1. carry on and have them ruin your life.
  2. deal with them. As a united front with your DH. (NC?)

No.2 will seem like hell on earth for a few weeks/months. But its better than a long drawn out years and years hell with them behaving like this till they pop their clogs.

ohfourfoxache · 18/06/2018 14:40

Let them be furious - their tantrums are not your problem

Laiste · 18/06/2018 14:40

Taking the kids out of sports day and hiding isn't the answer OP. You need to stand up to them.

says the biggest coward on the planet Grin

AttilaTheMusical · 18/06/2018 14:41

Tell the school that you don't want them there and why, and that you have not invited them. If they turm up then a member of school staff can tell them to sling their hook.

AllyMcBeagle · 18/06/2018 14:41

Do you think you could do anything to get the school to stop posting the newsletters online to prevent future problems?

Are there any safeguarding issues with the information they put in the letters that you could raise?

Could you tell them that you have a relative who you have limited contact with who keeps reading the letters to find out information about your DC? It sounds like this is close enough to the truth.

Missingstreetlife · 18/06/2018 14:42

Sounds like a showdown is needed, and no contact for a while?

Lostin3dspace · 18/06/2018 14:42

Have to say, I regret being a passive doormat in the whole PILS thing. If I’d been very blunt and upfront, rude even, there would have been no misunderstandings or pretences of not realising how their actions affected me and dc’s. And I couldn’t have had a worse outcome than the one I actually got, hence my regret at not being all out blunt and confrontational

cricketmum84 · 18/06/2018 14:43

Could you tell them there is a limit on how many family members can attend per child. Our high school does this - usually 2 per kid.

Lostin3dspace · 18/06/2018 14:45

Ah yes, high school is much better, everything done by email directly to parent unless it’s open to the public to buy tickets.
In fact, no one goes to sports day.

OliviaStabler · 18/06/2018 14:49

Do your kids like sports day? If not, simply take them out. That is the best you can do.

Your DH needs to man up though. Big time.

Takfujuimoto · 18/06/2018 14:55

I would either ignore them if they come along, move away from them or not engage in conversation if they saddle up next to you or take the child out for the day somewhere else for a fun day by yourselves.

Why would you care about ww3 happening when they could obviously give less than a handful of fucks about you?

PinkHeart5914 · 18/06/2018 14:56

What does keeping them off solve and what does that teach your dc?

You need to pull up your big girl pants and deal with it hiding out at home with the curtains shut is not going to help fgs. Just be blunt and tell them that they are not invited, with some people you do just have to rude becuase honestly they don’t understand anything else

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 18/06/2018 14:56

Your children. Your rules. My Mil has a tendancy to be nasty and manipulative. After years of pandering to her tantrums i had enough. I Stopped answering the door when she just showed up (was most days totally unannounced and and the most inconvenient moments) she also wrangeled her way in to the delivery suite by telling the receptionist she was my mother and birthing partner (she was quickly removed). I stopped contact an made sure i was out when she just turned up, said no when she "offered' (demanded) to help and didnt ask her to baby sit. And cut contact down to the very minimum (burthdays /xmas and the occassional visit) she has now tealised if she over steps the mark i will stop contact again. We get on alot better now and she keeps her tantrums and bitchyness to (mostly) herself.