Pils have invited themselves to dc sports day, I dont want to go now and dont know what to do.

[Summersorcherisjustsummer]

Pils read our school letter and any time they can get into the school they do.

Fil has invited himself to sports day and I literally feel sick. I cannot stand pils anymore the end for me was after DF died recently and even though we were in time of relative talking, I got fleeting acknowledgement. Relations have soured again during that period FIl made rude comments about me wanting the dc with me on my bday rather than staying with them...( I had to travel due to DF affairs and decided to take dc with us in the end )

" What does she want, a Happy birthday sung on the motorway, poor kids when they could have a day out with us "
Typical comments.

Mil has tainted and ruined nealry everything she has been invited too from moaning at the cost of the gift DH and DF brought me for my 30th up to DD birth when mil was atrocious, even the DC parties she has cried at, been miserable. Xmas she didn't even speak to DH and when she did she was nasty. I don't want them at my dc school events.
What can we do. Fil is off the scale pushy. Off the fucking scale. In the past when DH has not wanted to go to family stuff he has hounded him. Hounded him to pick up a suit he never even wanted for a funeral etc etc etc..I dont want them there or the fear of them encroaching on our days with our DC.

Yes there have been times when I have regretted marrying DH and being tied to these people who are literally like aliens to me and regretted have DC for the same reason. I was reading a great review of Mr Waterford in Handmaids Tale and he reminded me of FIL.

Ok, this sports day may be out of the window, but I would seriously take this up with the school.
They should not have this stuff on public display, we have to go into parent zone, we have access through a password.

gold I agree with every word of you have said but, after awful last year and Xmas, we have sort of gone low contact again. I think from their pov they don't know when they will see dc again so they have done this. Having said that they had lovely day out at Easter.
I was going to ask if they would like younger dd one day soon but now I don't know what to do.
Older relative coming over soon to UK, summer, so they would see dc then too but even when it was once a month it wasn't enough. Its never Been enough.
So we could say you won't seem them , he will say we don't see them now.
Older dd has never got on that well there, we have said any time she wants to go she can we will arrange.. If they ask to have them we usually ask older dd and she says no.
Younger gets on better there.

In the past they actually contacted a friend of mine to talk about all this!! He declined to comment.
I honestly feel I will explode if they push me.
I want to tell them how horrifically they have treated dh when I met him, how they adore and revere sil but dh is obviously a massive disappointment how mil is obsessed and nasty... And has created a night mare home for her dc to grow up in, terrified of making a mess.. Breaking her things...how this affected dh. And how I don't want dh or I or my dc to have a moment more of their lives wasted also being dragged into the worry of mils dirt issues.

So I wouldn't want to pin it down to set visits.. It's not fair on older dd.
At most a few times a year I think.

You either have to stand up for yourself and stop this or let it continue . Excuses and previous stories are not going to help. Yes PIL are a nightmare, we get it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but really if you want to be away from this hell then you really need to stop this now

I would pull DC out.

After the sports day, I would have a meeting with the head and explain that you pulled them out as family members with whom you have a problematic relationship had read the letter online and had threatened to attend. You could ask that they consider the potential impact on families with issues such as this, plus looked-after children etc. of having school information such as this open to the public.

There is no need for this stuff to be online - ours isn't. Letters come home and the people who need to know, know.

Just thinking on goldmaras comment about only seeing them at sports day.. It will literally be the only opportunity to see them for any meaningful time. Maybe dh and I should step back and let them have it.
It means dh won't have to miss day off work. Because anything else school related would have seating so its remove the picnic option. The school nativity for instance they can watched dc on stage but we can sit away from the them, and they can't interact with dc.
Maybe we should step aside because we can control everything else... There is no chance she will be invited to their bday again and so on.

The only thing that puts me off is every time in past instead of having nice time it's used as opportunity to get next visit in, so younger will come back.. Grandma Said tell mummy you want me to pick you up from school.. Stuff like that and it irks me they try and manipulative them like this!

Mil has told me fil sees life as one huge competition he will do anything to win. At all costs.

" He and our dc sat front row whilst we sat with other relatives behind "

Really?

You & your husband could't manage to stop him taking your kids?

I think you just have to stop telling them anything-even if it means being rude!

So if your husband will be with you at sports day-you both leave with your kids.

You say no to the picnic with ILs.

Sounds really shit that they can access events like this.

Sounds like you just need to be rude and tell them they are not invited. They sound like the kind of people who love being offended.

How long have you got until Sports Day OP? if it's next day or two I think you need to accept they'll be there & plan ways to cope, as a pp suggested could you volunteer to help in some way, or get some friends on board, as soon as they see mil getting clingy with your DC can they intervene with "oh look DC, I think your teacher needs you to sit with your class/ looks like it's time for your next race etc". Could you have a Sports Day after party at DC's friends that's children & parents only, so you've simply got to shoot off after. Keep reminding yourself that this is one in the bag and you can keep them at arms length for the rest of Summer.
If you've got longer you've got time to tell them they are not welcome, lots of suggested wording by pps

Just thinking on goldmaras comment about only seeing them at sports day.. It will literally be the only opportunity to see them for any meaningful time. Maybe dh and I should step back and let them have it.

It sounds like that may be the way to go.

Alert the school to this behaviour and explain that they need to keep PILs at arms length to protect your children from controlling behaviour. Explain that you don't want to put the staff in the position of having to turn them away and cause a scene so you will manage it by allowing them to take over this one occasion each year. However, make it clear that you would consider it harmful to your children for PILs to get involved in any other school activities, PTA, helping in school or on trips, etc and they cannot allow PILs to take tickets that are limited to a certain number per family for seated events. You could also ask them to consider carefully what information is shared publicly on the school website as your DCs may not be the only ones with controlling and manipulative relatives.

Turn up at the end of sports day, smile sweetly, tell the children to say goodbye and leave quick-smart. Ignore any manipulation like "Tell mummy you want me to pick you up from school." Just say something non-committal to your DC and change the subject to the sports day activities.

I believe that sometimes children need to be allowed to see toxic relatives very occasionally so they can make up their own mind about adult contact based on their won experiences. Sports day once a year seems about the right amount of contact.

Once they are in secondary school sports day stops being a family activity so it won't go on forever.

Stop being passive aggressive and just tell them that it as they learn to respect your family and behave like normal adults they are not to be around your family period.

I'm really sorry if I've missed it in the thread (I have read it but couldn't see it). Unless invited by you and attending with you, how will they get into the school?

We wouldn't allow this. All attendees have to be signed in and if someone isn't a parent they have to be signed in by the parent.

It makes no sense - if the letter is online (that anyone can look at) then anyone could attend, including local dodgy character... HUGE safeguarding issue.

My in laws are the same. They realised they weren't invited to dds sports day and became very upset.
Tbh it never crossed my mind to invite them, or my own mum or any other family members. The only grandparents that were there (very few) were there in place of working parents.
Our school grounds couldn't hold 2 sets of grandparents per child and parents and siblings..where do you draw the line here?
Could you say something along the lines of it being 2 people per child ? Because this was the case for my dds Christmas play due to space restrictions.
I understand that grandparents love their grandchildren but I really don't remember my grandparents being at absolutely everything, it's shit having to share absolutely every special moment with people who aren't nice to you, I can empathise with that. Unfortunately you'll either need to lie through your teeth or be incredibly blunt and deal with the fall out.

Lostin3

I couldn’t post up notices or have a family calendar on my fridge either, as they would look through it and invite themselves.

I can relate to this too! Gross invasion of personal space.

" It will literally be the only opportunity to see them for any meaningful time. "

Well isn't that just tough?

Perhaps they should modify their behaviour & then people might want to see the?

There is no need for this stuff to be online - ours isn't. Letters come home and the people who need to know, know.

Or have a password protected login. Simple to set up.

Tell PIL you aren't going

Sneak in (in something theybwint recognise and watch from afar) hide amongst friends.

Or take them out

Or tell PIL to sod off

Our primary sports field is surrounded by just patchy hedges and fields on 3 sides and a country lane with an open car park on the other. Anyone can just walk onto it.

The children are organised into supervised groups at all times. When i worked there if parents wished for no photo opportunities or to avoid anyone in particular seeing their child then the child would sadly have to miss sports day, or stay on the sidelines right by their parent. I don't recalling that happening in my time there, so not 100% sure.

No Op, don’t let them ‘have it’. It’s your kids sports day, they have no rights over them and they sound like nasty sods. Don’t let them stomp all over you. Stand up for yourself, tell them to back off, and notify the school that they must stop putting newsletters on the website because it’s causing you problems.

I have had to do the same recently for the same reason, don’t let them win!

Uninvite them

OP I really feel for you.
I would suggest that you need to get your DH onside (I read an earlier post saying he's not too keen on them either) and to firmly state your boundaries with them.

The kids are your DC-either they turn up and are nice to you or they don't come at all. Easier said than done I know but what's the worst that could happen if they don't like being told that-they don't talk to you? (Oh dear) they try and stir things up with your DH? (Don't let them-stay calm)

I don't have children so I don't know if this would work but could you have a word with the school, can someone there ask them to leave if they show up uninvited?

Don't let them make you unhappy x

I would just let them get on with it and ignore them the whole time they are there. Sounds like they’d get a kick from seeing how much it’s got your back up.

I would seriously raise the issue with the school though, it’s a safeguarding issue posting online for all to see and I would raise it with them. Our school have parentmail so it only goes to those who need to know.

The issue with going is the amount of time - wandering free around a field there is.

I am not sure the school would listen to me. But the site is open actually and large it would be very easy for anyone to simply wander in or turn up. There is no funnel or access where they would have to sign in.
I'm not sure what to do but lots of food for thought.

I feel much better for venting on here that's for sure
I just feel sorry for dh, he is such a lovely person and yet been written off by them. The only family member who is really kind and sweet to him and talks to him equally is his GF but he lives abroad and this is why we definalty want to see him in summer when he comes over. All contact is through pils.
Any contact with cousins all goes through pils, eg cousin will say they are visiting and to go to pils - we invite them to us - and its bombarding with messages no come to pils.
My family is thin on the ground but this forcing all the time is exhausting. I do feel once poor GF dies things will dramatically change.

Baby fil talks at people all the time.

He would just talk everyone into the ground.

I would let them have sports day. I wouldn't go. Explain to the girls that you thought it would be nice to see their grandparents while they were busy (taking the pressure of your eldest DC who doesn't like the home visits).

Then they can't arrange new plans because you won't be there, you don't have to see them and they're not being denied GC access.