Pils have invited themselves to dc sports day, I dont want to go now and dont know what to do.

[Summersorcherisjustsummer]

Pils read our school letter and any time they can get into the school they do.

Fil has invited himself to sports day and I literally feel sick. I cannot stand pils anymore the end for me was after DF died recently and even though we were in time of relative talking, I got fleeting acknowledgement. Relations have soured again during that period FIl made rude comments about me wanting the dc with me on my bday rather than staying with them...( I had to travel due to DF affairs and decided to take dc with us in the end )

" What does she want, a Happy birthday sung on the motorway, poor kids when they could have a day out with us "
Typical comments.

Mil has tainted and ruined nealry everything she has been invited too from moaning at the cost of the gift DH and DF brought me for my 30th up to DD birth when mil was atrocious, even the DC parties she has cried at, been miserable. Xmas she didn't even speak to DH and when she did she was nasty. I don't want them at my dc school events.
What can we do. Fil is off the scale pushy. Off the fucking scale. In the past when DH has not wanted to go to family stuff he has hounded him. Hounded him to pick up a suit he never even wanted for a funeral etc etc etc..I dont want them there or the fear of them encroaching on our days with our DC.

Yes there have been times when I have regretted marrying DH and being tied to these people who are literally like aliens to me and regretted have DC for the same reason. I was reading a great review of Mr Waterford in Handmaids Tale and he reminded me of FIL.

I'm thinking it's OK idea. But then chance do them to ingratiate themselves into school, fil chatting to teachers, head etc.. Dd fiends parents. But l think it could be solution for now

But everyone will see them for the nutters they are, let them get on with it!

I think you need to think long term and move away. Use the grey rock but long term just get away.

I'd approach it with the school and ask about the possibility that in future these things are not made public on the school website. Your family won't be the only one with complex relationships and tricky dynamics. As another poster said what about looked after children, adopted children, children who have fled domestic violence, etc. It doesn't sound very secure either in terms of adults signing in and out to these events.

For this immediate sports day? I'd take them out of school for the day personally. Do something else as a family and relax in the knowledge your day won't be ruined by the inlaws.

I'm really shocked about the panto issue. Why didn't you r your dh say "No, the kids will be sitting with us as arranged." No way on earth I'd have paid for panto tickets as a family treat and not had the kids sat with me!

What would happen if you took your own picnic and didn't sit with PIL - and if they tried to sit with you, you told them politely that you had told them they were not welcome, that you would not be spending the day with them ruining it and pick everything up and walk off and sit elsewhere.

If they come after you, just repeat and move on. Maybe prime a teacher (preferably one with a clipboard, lanyard and a strict no nonsense voice) that these people are harrassing you and could they please evict them.

If they say that you are making a scene, point out that no, you are remaining calm and polite, they are making a scene, that they were not invited, they were told not to come and now they are making an embarrassment of themselves and they look like failures and losers they are to everybody else so to just go.

And then just see them as naughty 10 year olds and treat as such...

The panto thing all happened so quickly, fil had been strange making strange overtures before it then took command inside with elderly relative to try and manoeuvre, all seats messed up.
It's very stressful having to smile at people and be friendly when you absolutely know they despise you and have thinly disguised base appreciation of dh.
Fil has a hard sales patter. Oily and obvious, it's actually quite stressful as well as upsetting.

Older dd doesn't want to bother with sports day because the way they do it is choose two races, heats and if you don't get into next race that's pretty much it for the rest of the day. Sat on side lines. She is great at sport however and knows about everything sports day usually teaches.
For younger I'm not sure what to do.
I think they would commandeer dh. But again it's a bit rich to choose to join us for a picnic without invitation when they happily run away when they want too at events where the gc are not present.

So one is sorted not sure about the other one!

Dh very much reverts to child in their presence, sits there and doesn't actively think or step in. He leaves me with hard fils interrogation, fil since dc weren't tiny always trying to encourage us to send them away to people we have never met across Europe so they can learn languages. Or try and get us to let then tales dc away.
It's always me trying to polity say ' actually fil dds are home bodies and whilst they love sleep overs with their friends etc they don't like being elsewhere ( like here when they have to endure lots of rules
and micromanagement)!! Dh should be saying that not me. He crumples.

Have you tried to change the way you answer, you are too polite and accomodating. Liek with him suggesting sending the kids away to learn languages. I would have probably laughed without meaning to and then said that has to be the most rediculous thing ever, I'd never send my kids to strangers. Even if they might learn a new language.
Don't forget they had theire turn at raising kids, remind them it's your turn now. I think I'd snap eventually and tell him to back off.
Is it possible to talk to the school, they shouldn't be advertising dates and times for things like sports day, it should be an email, or letter home for safety. I'd ask if they can please change this, due to abusive relationships with relatives. You as the parents should be able to control who in your family can come to see your children in school

Why did you 'let' them take your kids to the front row at the panto?.

I know easier said than done, but you really need to be stronger and put your foot down, these are you children, your loves - not thiers. You say when they get to see them, not the other way round. Your husband needs to tell them.

We have found previously the only way to deal with the them is withdrawal. But tricky when they can access school information on line.
I say withdrawal but we are happy for dc to see them a few times a year. I'm sociable and actually love family, ideally I'd love a situation where it was more relaxed, people popping in, sometimes I feel very shy at school events I'd love family to go with, and have more support.
Sadly it's just not possible with pils, Mil treats everything as competition, very uptight, miserable to boot. Fil.. Over bearing but underneath I struggle to understand what he actually cares about! I can't find any humanity in the there.

So it's not easy, but we have found withdrawal is best. Because fil gets it in the neck from Mil, and it's his life Misson to steam roller people to do his will. We cannot talk to him or say no. He will not listen.
He has decided he will by pass this and see his gc at school. There is so much stuff around at the moment about poor dear gp being kept away from their gc, they have extremely high opinions of themselves, extremely high, they are known for it. Not for one second would they look at their behaviour! I think they feel very put out. They will write stuff like.. Are our gc missing thier beloved gc...

Dc are just not that fond of them.

They are even jealous of my dead parents!!

I have written note to school about information on line. I doubt they will do anything but at least I've tried.

The problem with moving away.. And we have considered it is longer visits and posters on here have Bourne that out. Ie they come and stay near us.

The other thing that concerns me is when dc are old enough for phones.. Fil trying to guilt them into seeing miserable Mil! Creating a divide.

I feel sorry for your children to be honest they're stuck in the middle and you're giving mixed signals about whether or not you are in contact with their grandparents. It shouldn't be up to them to tell you whether they want to continue seeing their grandparents when seeing them is bad for you all. Stop being so passive and stand up for yourself and your children because all the while they see you and your husband being treated like a doormat by bolshy aggressive people, they're watching and soaking it in. There is no real reason why you can't be in contact with the elderly grandfather yourself, you're just using it as an excuse because otherwise you would have to take some form of decisive action. They're using your children to continue emotionally abusing your husband and you. Do you really think that won't have an effect on the children as they grow up?

Honestly, if there are going to be consequences beyond the actual day then I don't know why you're letting them have it.

I would take DC out for the day as a PP suggested. But I wouldn't tell inlaws.

If there's no talking to or reasoning with them, then what's the point?

When they question it, you say "Oh, Jane wasn't feeling great the night before so we decided to keep them off for a rest day."

You know op none of this could happen if you didn’t uphold your end of it.

I really wouldn't take the DC out of their sports day. Why should they miss out on a fun school event because the adults in their family can't get on?

OP as the issues are with the PiLs what is your DH's view of all this and what is his proposed solution? It should not fall to you to sort out problems with his family behaving badly.

I would just ignore them. They arrive and come over to you. You say 'oh I've just got to go and help with such and such'. They come over again, you have just seen someone you need to talk to....Just avoid them. You may not get your sit down picnic but if you wait until they are sat down then you go sit somewhere else.
Sometimes I do this unwitting with GPs as I'm busy talking to friends, pop off to get a drink etc.

I know this is frustrating but you really do not have to spend the whole time sitting talking to them.

ready our dc have no idea really - when I was little I saw my GP a few times a year whilst dm did the rounds. For all I knew major stuff could have been going on behind the scenes, but it was what I knew and that was fine by me. Same for my DC they dont know any different and luckily they have busy lives, parties, sleep overs, a few extra sports lessons a week, school plays to practice for/ tons of days out and holidays and so on. And dropped into that once in a while they have a lovely day with GP.

Its what works for us - and the DC. But it doesnt work for pils!
Then its the feeling sorry for Mil which the whole family see to buy into. Even before DC we would pop round and mil would be shedding tears over something with people round her. She said once how emotional she is - and cries. Yet I find her immovable and hard as nails. Luckily older DD is switched on and if we ever get to that stage later on when pils start contacting her directly - she will understand the emotional tools mil and fil use.

But at the moment they are really blissfully unaware of all of this.

Mad I think thats what we will do for one at least. Thats what i would do and say but not sure about DH he will feel uncomfortable and want to let them know we are not there. But then he wont deal with the shit and fall out or own it either.

delatron thats a good idea, better than shifting a picnic away from them.

When pils see dc it will be straight away " oh do you miss us you love us dont you and you want to see us etc" but i can walk away for that bit.

Id much rather they did things that encouraged the dc to love them rather than this telling other people how they feel all the time.

Then don't tell DH! And on the morning of, spring it on him as a surprise.

I really, honestly would do this.

The kids won't give a shite about sports day if they go out on a big day out!

Tell DH he's either on board, or he can stay home. Confiscate phones so everyone can enjoy a stress free family day. And show the people who need to see it, that you won't be ridden roughshod over...

Yes Mad Mags, I think I will have to go down this route, its just the day off aspect for DH. But thats all fine by me. If they get all ready with picnic etc and we are not there maybe they will think twice about crashing it. But then I just cant see them accepting the current status quo but I guess we can manage that after SD.

Older DD is very happy to miss SD, but younger will want to take part so will have to deploy the Delatron strategy for that. But at least its one day to manage not two.

I think the only solution is a shit storm that creates NC - your grey rock softly softly approach isn't working

These events are usually busy. Set yourself up with mates as far away from them as possible make sure dc see you so they know where you are. If they insist on following you, make yourself busy chatting to other people and leave them too it. Invite themselves they may but noone says you need to join them at the event.

I like your optimism that you think your older daughter will be able to recognise and deal with her grandparents behaviour when you and her dad haven't been able to. Just running away and hiding isn't dealing with the issue which is what you'll be doing if you avoid sports day. What's the worst that can happen if you set out to them that they are not welcome?

When pils see dc it will be straight away " oh do you miss us you love us dont you and you want to see us etc" but i can walk away for that bit.

But this continues to expose your children to their toxic behaviour. At some point this is going to go badly wrong - either your children will start to ask why it's OK for them to have put up with this whilst you don't, or the GP will start getting them to do their dirty work.

I honestly don't see why you have any contact with them at all. It's poisoning so many relationships.

Have you actually said to them that you do not want them to come to sports day? I think all these ideas of letting the grandparents be there for sports day and you not going are really silly. I'm sure your children would like you to be there?

You are going to be dealing with this for the rest of the GP's lives if you and your DH don't just say something to them. You're already resigned to them ruling your life whatever anyone suggests (i.e. can't move away or they will come to you, longer visits etc... eh no. You don't let them visit)

You're being really passive dealing with this. Either you do something about it or accept that they will always do things like this. Your posts are very frustrating to read

(i.e. can't move away or they will come to you, longer visits etc... eh no. You don't let them visit)

I'd like to know how on earth we would stop very wealthy financially mobile pils from coming to stay in hotels near wherever we moved too.

I know its frustrating, this is the most awful frustrating situation I have ever been in.