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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pils have invited themselves to dc sports day, I dont want to go now and dont know what to do.

145 replies

Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 14:11

Pils read our school letter and any time they can get into the school they do.

Fil has invited himself to sports day and I literally feel sick. I cannot stand pils anymore the end for me was after DF died recently and even though we were in time of relative talking, I got fleeting acknowledgement. Relations have soured again during that period FIl made rude comments about me wanting the dc with me on my bday rather than staying with them...( I had to travel due to DF affairs and decided to take dc with us in the end )

" What does she want, a Happy birthday sung on the motorway, poor kids when they could have a day out with us "
Typical comments.

Mil has tainted and ruined nealry everything she has been invited too from moaning at the cost of the gift DH and DF brought me for my 30th up to DD birth when mil was atrocious, even the DC parties she has cried at, been miserable. Xmas she didn't even speak to DH and when she did she was nasty. I don't want them at my dc school events.
What can we do. Fil is off the scale pushy. Off the fucking scale. In the past when DH has not wanted to go to family stuff he has hounded him. Hounded him to pick up a suit he never even wanted for a funeral etc etc etc..I dont want them there or the fear of them encroaching on our days with our DC.

Yes there have been times when I have regretted marrying DH and being tied to these people who are literally like aliens to me and regretted have DC for the same reason. I was reading a great review of Mr Waterford in Handmaids Tale and he reminded me of FIL.

OP posts:
shiklah · 18/06/2018 14:56

What is your DH view?

This is his problem.

wizzywig · 18/06/2018 14:58

What do your kids want? Its their sports day

Octopeppa · 18/06/2018 14:58

Tell the school any contact, tickets, permissions, relatives visiting etc. must go through you and DH only, and you do not give permission for your PILs to interfere.

drspouse · 18/06/2018 14:59

At our DS' school, you couldn't stop GPs from attending sports day as it's just on a field with gates open to the road. I think if there was a specific CP issue then they would station the enormous Y5 teacher at the gate but for pushy GPs I'm not sure they would be willing TBH.
But no harm in telling school, and telling the GPs they are not welcome, if you are prepared to tell them to go home should they turn up.

DS would be a bit upset if he didn't go to sports day though, even though he's not very old and not very sporty - it's made out to be such a big thing. And school wouldn't be impressed with us just deciding to take him out, either.

PinkHeart5914 · 18/06/2018 15:00

It’s not the dh problem though is it, Op is not a stupid defenceless woman waiting for her dh to save her she has a voice these are her dc and she is more than capable. I never understand mumsnet on this for all the equal speeches people do on here but any problems with the in laws and you must get your dh to deal with it Confused

Also is hardly her dh problem if it’s causing op such trouble.

Dauphinois · 18/06/2018 15:02

Please don't expect the school to tell them that they're not welcome.

School staff have got enough to do without getting involved in spats between family members ( unless of course there is a risk to the children, which sounds unlikely)

Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 15:02

School I don't think would do anything. I don't think they would stop putting newsletters on just because of me and if they wanted me to explain why it would take a novel. I honestly don't think they would understand.

I would be happy never to see mils face again.
The dc I'm sure would run up to them, huge them and be pleased to see them. The dc prefer to see them little and not often and then it's a novelty.
I'm worried about legal action. The pils could say they have a relationship with dc and I'm stopping it.
I think I could fight it but... I have had to fight so much in last ten years I want to move on with my life.
We have bumped into pils at a few social events when we were on better terms and even then they couldn't wait to shoot off and leave us.. No offer of a drink or to meet somewhere else... Literally talking whilst walking away.
Fil approaches everything as fait accompli... Even a close friend once said at family gathering beware of fil and his mind games.

OP posts:
Tara336 · 18/06/2018 15:03

It’s a bloody awful situation to be in. My parents are exactly the same. I’ve quietly put up with it but final straw was my daughters graduation where they completely embarrassed me throughout the day, complaining, making nasty comments etc. It culminated in my mother screaming abuse at me in front of all the other families and students. I went NC for a few months but DM harassed my daughter so much over it I gave in for her sake. I want to remarry in the next couple years and we have said we will go abroad to ensure they can’t come but this means not having any other family there or there will be a scene which upsets me an awful lot

AgathaF · 18/06/2018 15:03

I agree, take your dc out for the day instead of sports day. To hell with the PIL tantrums. That's their choice if they want to be angry. Don't engage with it. Don't answer phone calls or the door to them.

For the future though, for the sake of your marriage and your dc, you and your H are going to have to come up with a plan. Whether it's no contact or severely reduced contact, or being much, much firmer with them, you need to do something.

mathsquestions · 18/06/2018 15:03

Type up a fake email from school saying it's cancelled and forward to them the night before.

totallyliterally · 18/06/2018 15:07

Reality is they're going to go.

They'll check with school.

You can't remove the children for a day

So you need a strategy to deal with them when you are there.

First off don't stand with them. If they come over then you need Tod exude if you walk away or just pretend you can't hear them.

But biggest thing is don't react. Smile and nod of you need to but that's it.

They want the fuss and attention and to get at you and assert their authority. Which they don't actually have in the situation.

Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 15:07

Older dd would be happy to miss it they spend most of thier time sat on the side lines!
It will be used very much as a when can we see them again let's get it booked.. Every single time they have ever seen them that's what it's been. I honestly feel the only reason I had dc was to feed them and their gp fantasies.

I would like to say, sorry no your not invited the reason being I would like to enjoy sports day with my family and not have another occasion ruined by Mil. '

I can say that but we have 100 year old gf visiting them, he can't get to us too frail.. It sort of puts end to that to declare open warfare and also they could be galvanising to take legal action.

OP posts:
ThreeIsACharm · 18/06/2018 15:07

I would 100% not send my children on and have a day out/trip somewhere.
Did I read they got the info on the school newsletter online? Or was the letter in your dcs bag?

Goldmandra · 18/06/2018 15:09

You and your DH need to take control. You need to talk through together how you are going to do this.

You then need them to be told clearly by both of you together not to turn up on sports day and that, if they do, you are both in agreement that contact will be reduce to an absolute minimum for the foreseeable future.

Only do this if you can be sure that the subsequent bullying behaviour will not work on your DH. The last thing you need is for them to divide and conquer.

Once they are aware that they do not have the control they think they have, things will settle down but it will be a rough ride to get there.

Takfujuimoto · 18/06/2018 15:09

I really wouldn't worry about legal action, have they hinted at that?

It rarely goes ahead, even rarer still for the gps to achieve court ordered contact.

Is moving away a possibility?

They sound hideous op.

Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 15:10

Totally that's a good strategy but how can we escape them when we have over an hour to sit on the school field for the picnic.
We have 1.5 hours of picnic and they have offered to bring one. I will still be upset and unable to focus on the the day... And then7 have to endure the way they physically clamp dd to them ie in their arms all loving.
It will be ruined for me. I'd rather not go but it's the precedent its setting.. For them to rise rough shod over all school events.

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket70 · 18/06/2018 15:11

Can you find yourself a voluntary role for sports day so that you can genuinely say you're too busy to chat? Offer to man the 1st kit or kids drinks.... anything. He can watch on his own then and cheer the grandchildren on.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 18/06/2018 15:11

1st aid kit....!!

soapboxqueen · 18/06/2018 15:13

I'm afraid it isn't the school's job to police your pil unless there is a safeguarding risk. If it was limited ticketing then contacting the schools to say it would only be you getting tickets would be fine. Sports day tends to be more open.

You can keep the children off for sports day but I think you are just kicking the can down the road. They're well be other days etc in the future with the same problem.

I'd go and stay away from them.

CoffeeIsNotEnough · 18/06/2018 15:13

For safeguarding reasons many schools no longer put the newsletter on line. Many only send to agreed email recipients. But most do put all the dates on-line as a handily accessible calendar for all concerned so it probably wouldn't stop them.

diddl · 18/06/2018 15:13

" I would like to enjoy sports day with my family "

Well why can't you do that?

Meet up with your family & go on somewhere afterwards?

You can't stop ILs turning up, but you don't have to involve them in your plans!

Goldmandra · 18/06/2018 15:13

it's the precedent its setting.. For them to rise rough shod over all school events.

Exactly this. You need to establish the rules now. They had their own children. These are yours and DH's.

You and your DH need to tell them in no uncertain terms that joining in with your family life is a privilege, not a right. If they ride roughsod over you now, they may be able to access future sports days but they will miss out on a lot in between.

Original poster
Summersorcherisjustsummer · 18/06/2018 15:14

The thing is gold we have already done a that. We had several periods of v low contact. The last time we initiated it was when I had a lump and I was worried it was cancer. So if reached out olive branch and things went well.. Both seemed on best behaviour.. Esp Mil but of course two years later she is fully back in control miserable mode. Dc like seeing them but as said little a year. Anymore and they complain.. Younger is just OK going but prefers older to go and older is 11 and of course wants to chill at home etc.
So after last year my df passing and many other incidences where I'm left feeling so upset by them and trapped etc, we had gone lc again. But now this new strategy.

OP posts:
Buzzing54 · 18/06/2018 15:14

It sounds awful!

Realistically it seems unlikely you can stop them coming to the sports day.

Do you know another family well enough to ask them to run interference?

If it's the sort of sports day where you sit and spectate, arrive early and sit surrounded by other people so they can't get close to you? Harder if it's the style where you follow your DC around the field...

Have something urgent to go to immediately afterwards?

And then minimise contact (or cut them out) I agree legal action seems unlikely to be successful in this case and given your comment about FiL mind games, perhaps more of a threat/manipulation tool than an actual possibility

MissVanjie · 18/06/2018 15:15

if the dc would be pleased to see them, maybe you just have to suck it up

I don't really understand what you want people to tell you

if they say when can we see you again let's book it, say I will check the calendar and text you later, then suggest something you can cope with at a time that suits you

either tell them not to come, or don't, they are literally your only two options.

them taking legal action is highly unlikely. you sound like you are overwhelmed and you say you have had a stressful time, how is your mental health generally? this sounds shady but it is honestly not meant to be: have you considered counselling/therapy to deal with recent events, and to help you work on your boundaries?