Pils have invited themselves to dc sports day, I dont want to go now and dont know what to do.

[Summersorcherisjustsummer]

Pils read our school letter and any time they can get into the school they do.

Fil has invited himself to sports day and I literally feel sick. I cannot stand pils anymore the end for me was after DF died recently and even though we were in time of relative talking, I got fleeting acknowledgement. Relations have soured again during that period FIl made rude comments about me wanting the dc with me on my bday rather than staying with them...( I had to travel due to DF affairs and decided to take dc with us in the end )

" What does she want, a Happy birthday sung on the motorway, poor kids when they could have a day out with us "
Typical comments.

Mil has tainted and ruined nealry everything she has been invited too from moaning at the cost of the gift DH and DF brought me for my 30th up to DD birth when mil was atrocious, even the DC parties she has cried at, been miserable. Xmas she didn't even speak to DH and when she did she was nasty. I don't want them at my dc school events.
What can we do. Fil is off the scale pushy. Off the fucking scale. In the past when DH has not wanted to go to family stuff he has hounded him. Hounded him to pick up a suit he never even wanted for a funeral etc etc etc..I dont want them there or the fear of them encroaching on our days with our DC.

Yes there have been times when I have regretted marrying DH and being tied to these people who are literally like aliens to me and regretted have DC for the same reason. I was reading a great review of Mr Waterford in Handmaids Tale and he reminded me of FIL.

Honestly, you need to toughen up. You think you only had DC to feed DPILs' grandparent fantasies? Sports day will be ruined, etc.
If you're unwilling to put physical distance between you by moving then you need to change your attitude. Otherwise, you're going to have miserable memories of all your DC's key events.
You can't change your DPIL. You can only change how you react to them.
Much of your initial OP is about their actions round your DF's death. Regardless of DPILs, have you spoken to a bereavement counsellor? I think you have unresolved issues around your grief and addressing it can only be beneficial.

I sincerely hope for your sake it gets rained off.

Are you in the uk? I only ask becuase you keep going on about legal action. I mean seriously how many people in the uk do you know that have court ordered granny contact? Have you ever heard of anyone going to court for granny contact and did the judge really grant it?

Are they fairly well off? I mean a good solicitor hardly comes cheap

I appreciate if your in a diffrent county then grandparents getting court ordered contact maybe a genuine worry for you but in the uk I really doubt it

Tell them they can't come, simple. How can they take legal action re contact? Have they ever had the dc for a long period of time/childminding? If not, there is no precedent.

At our DS' school, you couldn't stop GPs from attending sports day as it's just on a field with gates open to the road. I think if there was a specific CP issue then they would station the enormous Y5 teacher at the gate but for pushy GPs I'm not sure they would be willing TBH.
But no harm in telling school, and telling the GPs they are not welcome, if you are prepared to tell them to go home should they turn up.

this would be our school too.

I would be very clear.
You are NOT invited to Sports Day. It is an event for parents and you are not the parents. If you come, we are not sitting with you, eating your picnic or socialising with you. If you try and get dcs to sit with you, we will take them away.
If you want to look foolish, come to the field and we will tell you in front of all parents, that you are not invited and not welcome.

Really don't worry about legal action - google grandparents' rights and you'll see that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Even if they attempted if, their solicitor would politely show them the door I'm sure!

I would honestly just take them out of school for the day - it's bloody sports day, they will hardly be missing anything vital!

And yes I am afraid you are going to have to meet them head on with this - they sound absolutely awful and obviously won't take any kind of hints. They seem to feel they have some sort of ownership over the children and as unpleasant as it will undoubtedly be, you need (both you and DH) to send a very clear message that they will only see the DC as and when you agree to it, or else they simply won't be allowed to see them at all.

And if the end result is NC, then so be it. I reckon your lives would be a lot more peaceful if you did go NC.

Both seemed on best behaviour.. Esp Mil but of course two years later she is fully back in control miserable mode.

Tell them straight that if they turn up to sports day that is the only place they will ever see them.

Could you tell them that the school asks for only parents / siblings to come, otherwise numbers are unmanageable? Or a certain number of 'guests', so a guilt trip along the lines of 'if you push in, DH and I won't be able to see our own children'?

Just ignore them if they show up, stand with your husband at the other end of the field, i bet it’s actually quite nice for your children to have lots of supporters and people watching them participate!

Clearly there is a big problem with them but I really don't think sports day is the hill where you make your stand. I suggest you (and dh?) attend as planned then afterwards whisk the kids away and go and do something just you. Don't tell PiL what the plans are, don't let them sidetrack you.

Then back to low contact for the relationship.

Just get your dh to say "Actually you aren't invited to sports day, we like those days yo mix with other parents and have made arrangements with some of DC's friends parents, so we would like to do our own thing and make our own traditions. I know ye will understand, you had your sports days with us, now it's our turn"

Honestly it doesn't sound like they'd be any loss

think taking DC out maybe the only option but pils will be furious.

Tough.

Can you have a word with the school about putting this on line.

That must means anyone can attend a school event. Or thet should give parents a password.

I would be talking to other Mums whilst leaving your dh to sit with your in-laws? Invite your family/ friends and surround yourself with them. You don’t need to be with them, tell your dh that you want to speak to other Mums about summer meet ups/ play dates as you don’t get a chance to organise them at all. Alternatively, could you offer to volunteer at sports day so you are busy helping the teachers/ kids?

I completely sympathise, I have been there and unfortunately/ fortunately it all blew up. I made the decision to go NC completely and that DC would have NC. DH completely supported this ( although it helped that my sw and dh’s therapists were saying continued contact was a safeguarding risk for my ds), originally he decided to have a couple of months NC, he would contact them again only for the same abuse to start. He agreed that they were a danger to his mental health and other than occasional messages on Facebook (a relative has died etc) we have been NC for 6 years. In those six years we have had zero massive arguments! Prior to that we would be constantly falling out over his dp!

I recently read both Toxic Parents and Toxic Inlaws, both books written by Susan Forward. I honestly wish that I had known about both books back when I was at your stage! They have thoroughly helped both dh and I!

I can't explain just how pushy fil is, he rides rough shod over everything.
If we all go he will be talking and commanding ten to the dozen.

Years ago at Xmas we booked pantomime for afterwards seeing the boxing day. Fil was like.. Where are you you going... We said.. Never thinking he would call up and book his own tickets, for himself and other family. He and our dc sat front row whilst we sat with other relatives behind (one has different culture and couldn't grasp silliness of panto and is very serious). I'm not mad keen on panto neither is dh but we go for the dc so be removed from them in chaotic last minute tickets and front row lucky dc.. Ruined it. One example of him taking control.
Dh and I have tried to put boundaries in place and this is their response to start inviting themselves to school stuff.

We really couldn't escape them on over an hours picnic. Why the school has done this anyway!! An enforced picnic!!

Public school letters are a safeguarding issue nothing School related should be able to be read by just anyone , out school letters are through parent mail and require a PIN number so there’s no way anyone apart from parents o tended for the letter will read them .

It’s all probably a bit of a learning curve too. You now know never to tell them where you’re going, like st Xmas. Always lie and say to friends or something.
You’ll have to learn how to deal with them at sports day too. Don’t let them scare you off doing things.
It doesn’t matter how pushy Fil is. If you don’t want to be pushed around, stand your ground or accept some situations for what they are and find a way to deal with it.
You seem to have already accepted that they’ll turn up to sports day and your kids will be happy to see them so find a way to deal with that. Have some boundaries in place and stand your ground.
For example have as little to say to them as possible. Take your own picnic and say ‘how kind but no thank you’ to them. Tell them you’ll check your diary and contact them to see if you’re free soon to make arrangements and then don’t bother contacting them. Keep saying it’s a busy time of year and you’ve got a lot on.

There is no other solution to this than you and your DH saying no to them.
You have to find away to get across they are not welcome.
It will not be easy and they may ignore you, but unless you try this will continue.

Kill them with kindness at the sports day? I know they don't deserve it but they'll look the fools if they try and throw their weight around when you're being all friendly.

You need to move or go NC and commit to it 100%
Your FIL will not give up and punishes you by interfering with school events, he's a control freak.

I am amazed that they can read stuff online. DGS’s school website requires a password only given to parents.

The other way for me to to handle this is to think whilst they barge into school stuff.. It's only school stuff they still have no control over birthdays android Xmas etc.

The dc may run up to them and hug the for a bit but without doubt the dc will be running off with a their friends.
I don't think I can cope with 1.3 hours sat with fil on rug.. But not sure how we would manage that... Ie fil is so bombastic even if we sat with him friends he would dominate... So even if I ignored the coming it's the long picnic to get through.

I'm getting to a place of peace with my life where I feel more carefree.. And able to try and get back to being myself.. Rather than up tight and nervous with pils. If we stand separately to pils it absolutely will turn into a competition as to who the dc sit with.
Dh is fully on board he knows they ate nightmare but if anyone knows narracisitic and grey rock.. Without realising it he has become grey rock, bland doesn't give anything away, bat's off comments with non committal comments which is great.. but it's not great when we are with the them and they let things run at their narrative which is. They are amazing, their son has problems, I'm hideous and taken him away from the them.
The worst thing my dh did when he first met me was buy me a beautiful coat for Xmas. It chocked Mil.. She never got over it and the jealousy! She cried at me how dh loves me and not her and he would never buy her a nice coat.
I wish I had caught into this grey rock sooner, I tried to build bridges, couldn't work out what's wrong etc I was the one arranging things dh was never bothered. And through it all I aim the bad guy.
Mil absolutely hates me and I think life is too short for this. I'm rambling now.

Year doing that would only encourage them.

If this was event that had seating at least we could sit separately to them. And ignore them.

@winniefosterthether

I agree which is why I don't want them there ideally. I don't want any more stuff ruined but.. Sports day doesn't mean that much to us.

The other way for me to to handle this is to think whilst they barge into school stuff.. It's only school stuff they still have no control over birthdays android Xmas etc.

So you are already talking yourself round into accepting this.
So it will never change.

You have years of this ahead of you, and only you can stop it.

You have to tell them that this is not OK.

They need to know that they have a choice between respecting your family time and having regular contact arranged by consent or only ever seeing your DCs at school sports days.

You need to make it that clear.