Pils have invited themselves to dc sports day, I dont want to go now and dont know what to do.

[Summersorcherisjustsummer]

Pils read our school letter and any time they can get into the school they do.

Fil has invited himself to sports day and I literally feel sick. I cannot stand pils anymore the end for me was after DF died recently and even though we were in time of relative talking, I got fleeting acknowledgement. Relations have soured again during that period FIl made rude comments about me wanting the dc with me on my bday rather than staying with them...( I had to travel due to DF affairs and decided to take dc with us in the end )

" What does she want, a Happy birthday sung on the motorway, poor kids when they could have a day out with us "
Typical comments.

Mil has tainted and ruined nealry everything she has been invited too from moaning at the cost of the gift DH and DF brought me for my 30th up to DD birth when mil was atrocious, even the DC parties she has cried at, been miserable. Xmas she didn't even speak to DH and when she did she was nasty. I don't want them at my dc school events.
What can we do. Fil is off the scale pushy. Off the fucking scale. In the past when DH has not wanted to go to family stuff he has hounded him. Hounded him to pick up a suit he never even wanted for a funeral etc etc etc..I dont want them there or the fear of them encroaching on our days with our DC.

Yes there have been times when I have regretted marrying DH and being tied to these people who are literally like aliens to me and regretted have DC for the same reason. I was reading a great review of Mr Waterford in Handmaids Tale and he reminded me of FIL.

^^ I just wouldn’t contact them with my forwarding address!

It’s a simple choice really. You let this continue, or you don’t. Make the decision that you will stand up for yourself and your children or just go from bad situation to bad situation. There is no way I’d stand for this from anyone. They are bad mouthing your parenting, they are bullying you and you’ve had enough.
Do not enter in discussion, do not be manipulated by MIL crying (just the worst sort of passive aggressive manipulation). Just state you do not want them coming. End of. They have NO power above what you allow them. Ignore hysterics, walk away.

" from coming to stay in hotels near wherever we moved too. "

Well you can't stop that (if they know where you are), but you don't have to see them!

It really is easy.

These people are not Gods. They don’t actually control you - your behaviour around them controls you.

I let mil bully me for four years till I went NC were only just speaking again but I’m letting her see im a grown woman she can’t push about. If she starts I close it down or challenge her right away.

Bite the bullet.

Well they sound like a couple of diamonds.

Time to sit them down and tell them the game is over. You and DH are taking control of your lives and YOU decide on the rules.

If MIL cries then just let her. What a pathetic sounding woman.

If FIL shouts and talks over you - just keep going. He will have to stop for breath at some point. He is a nasty bully and should be told so.

You are fighting for your family here OP.

Don’t underestimate yourself.

Time to sit them down and tell them the game is over. You and DH are taking control of your lives and YOU decide on the rules.

You can only do that if you are sure that your DH will not back down under the horrendous pressure and abuse that will follow and that you will be able to prevent the PILs turning up at school events in the future.

If there is any chance that the PILs could successfully take a divide and conquer approach, this could make things harder in the long run.

I could never speak to Pil. He cannot listen I have learned this over the years also he doesnt seem to retain information. He repeats stuff.

Everything is a fresh challenge for him.
Dh and I have been to counselling about them before. Dh is on board, however even Alan Sugar or Trump would not be able to say no to fil and crucially, for it to mean something and count.

I honestly feel FIL (with Mil behind him pressuring him and making his life a misery), would be harder to negotiate with than Kim Jong Un.
There is no sitting down with them, just withdrawal and choosing when DC see them.
But this is what this whole thread is about - him over riding that. The elderly relative very much complicates things, they also speak a different language so information is selectively filtered.
Well dh has promised he has told them not to come, but I dont believe him.

I must stress the abuse is a cold hard pressure rather than ranting and raving - that would make it easier, its cold hard restrained!

Just withdrawal and choosing when DC see them.

Youre hiding behind your children. You really think they haven't picked up on all this going on?

Goldmandra - why would DP back down? This is crunch time. This is about standing up for your family and young DCs who have to be protected from these awful people.

Take them out for the day to avoid the immediate crisis and talk to the school. This is bordering on abusive. If it was a non resident parent behaving like this you'd take it seriously. School need permission for people to enter and watch the children. Just withdraw it no ifs or buts. You have the parental responsibility not them.
And I'd think of moving further away.

@Miladamermalada If this is true

"If it was a non resident parent behaving like this you'd take it seriously. School need permission for people to enter and watch the children"

Then this is solid piece of information for me to use ^. It really put things into perspective about access to DC.

Undercoverbanana As a vetran of my own situ and threads like this its common for partners who are conditioned by their DP to buckle under direct pressure. Ie a forceful man squaring up to him prepared to say absolutely anything to justify why he should be there.

Please meet with the family support worker at school and explain things. They will understand.

I suffered enormous pressure from FIL who is a religious fundamentalist, whilst I am an atheist. I was set free when I had DC because I stopped caring what they think. It's so freeing. I actually don't want them to like me, and I strictly reinforce that I am in control of my life and the DC. If FIL says something I don't like I get up and leave, with DC. Yes it has been awkward, but they have no hold on any of us anymore. When I think about the nights I spent with DH devastated they'd ruined another event I am so glad I found the strength.

I think it's too late for sports day but start:

1. say 'no, not happening' and walk away when he tries to manipulate where your kids sit. If the kids ask why say 'I want to sit with you' and grin at them.
2. if they undermine you say 'I won't tolerate that' and walk away, take dc with you.
3. if they are rude to you say 'that's extremely rude.' Get up and walk away, take DC with you.

Encourage them to take dc to theatre/sports/days out as a way of seeing them. Say you and dh are using that time to spend together. Be a string team, praise dh in front of them, refer to yourselves as a team. Be affectionate and warm to dh and dc but cool and aloof/off hand with them.

Always remember this is your family and you are in control, don't give him power he doesn't have.

If pil had turned up at my dc sports day I'd have loudly commented how lovely it must be for them to have so little going on and then set up my own blanket with dh.

f pil had turned up at my dc sports day I'd have loudly commented how lovely it must be for them to have so little going on and then set up my own blanket with dh

Fil is more pushy and unless dh tells him to fuck off which I hope to god he would then he would just sit down with us - and then - if we did end up sitting seperatly we would get a show calling my dd over - endless hugging huge performance - look what we got you do you want to sit with us ...

and we would be sat there without our dd wondering whether to enter into a game of tug with our dc .
I'm also cross at the school for putting all the information out there.
The school are pretty un approachable I have mentioned this to them but details are still being put out,.

Honestly OP, I do understand what you mean about him being pushy but he is like that because he gets away with it.

If you put out a rug and you and DH sat on it then he came over and tried to sit down say 'there is no space' and if he tries to push you over loudly say 'stop pushing me'. It is awkward and it will take time for everyone to get used to the new you. I have been doing this for 15 years since FIL pushed me over when I was pregnant because I was 'in his way'. He had several epic tantrums (my response "that is absurd" and walk out), several times when I sat with DC in restaurants he had a tantrum and ran off (DC "where is grandpa going?" me "I have no idea, what would you like to drink?") Several times MIL had a huge rant at me telling me I had to do what he wanted or he'd be furious, my response "I don't believe in giving in to bullies" and walk away.

I understand that you want a reasonable pleasant relationship with them but it clearly isn't going to happen. He is not reasonable and is making you all miserable. Soon he'll start trying to use money to manipulate DC's. FIL offered them £20 a month spends if they did various things including going to church. They said no, he tried again, they said no, he badgered me I said "Well it's their choice isn't it, personally I admire them for refusing to pray to a god that they don't believe in" DH baulked at this and FIL had a tantrum - me "tssssskkkk" get up and leave. He brought it up again 3 months later "They could have £240 a year each" me "They have said no, they clearly don't need the money, they both work for money they need". If it is raised again I will say "we've been thru this, it's not happening"

Always have a good book, a big smile and lots of cuddles and affection for DH and DC. If FIL is being ludicrous and playing 'ultimate grandad' by making a show of hugging etc then DC will find this awkward and unpleasant and form their own view.

Since the pushing I do not let FIL touch me at all and when he tries to hug or kiss me (only ever when we arrive at a family function) I step back and if necessary step back again and don't let him touch me. If he did I would say "do not touch me"

I know it sounds awful, but it is fine. I am in control now and he knows he he's horrible I will leave, and take the DC. Mine are 13 and 14 now and have no time for PIL at all, they barely tolerate them.

I would have gone NC but DH wanted a relationship with MIL, so we didn't.

At sports day couldn't you view it as a nice afternoon with DH and a chance to build bonds with other parents. Let PIL be with DC smile and roll your eyes when they act like fools?

@shiklah

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond and to commiserate with you it's shit isn't it.
BTW fil isn't literally physically pushy, verbally pushy. Goal orientated.
It's the awful feeling of being treated like the baddie so if I do what you say, roll eyes at each other isn't she rude etc.. When actually it's them who have barged in etc. One wants to scream on a tannoy.. Your the rudest bastards I have ever met in my life fuck off I have visions of me grabbing the sports day tannoy and doing that

BTW yes will try and look on it as nice afternoon but to chat to people and be social one has to feel it, not shaky and angry with his, their intrusion.

In that case be rude, let them tell everyone you are rude, stop caring.

As Dr Suess says

Those those who mind don't matter
And those that matter don't mind

:)

Thank you wise words