Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sad that DH is back from his weekend away?

133 replies

theressomethingaboutmarie · 18/06/2018 13:39

I know that sounds awful! It was great having the kids to myself for 4 days. We had a really happy and laid back time. It was a mellow, happy and loving household for 4 days with very little shouting or disagreements. DH is now back and ugh, he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

To give a better illustration, DD (10) accidentally dropped an iPad yesterday and then burst into tears. I thought she'd dropped it on her foot and was consoling her when she said that the reason that she'd burst into tears was that she thought I was going to shout at her like daddy does if she does such things. I told her that whilst I'd like her to be careful, it's not like she can turn back time and so not to worry about it.

DS (5) was walking upstairs for his bath last night and I was walking behind him. He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it.

Both of those incidents and my sadness that DH has returned aren't particularly good signs, are they? I told him the story about DD this morning and his first instinct was to check the iPad for damage. I had told him with a view to him understanding that he's creating an atmosphere of fear for the kids but he just didn't see it that way.

In general, we are pretty happy and get on well. I do openly disagree with him when he's going too far in shouting at the kids (much to his disdain but my take is that they have to know that I have their backs).

Does anyone else feel a bit sad when their DH is back (there was a thread on here a week or so ago with people saying how they liked it when their DH goes away)?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/06/2018 13:41

Your DC are scared of their father. That sounds very worrying to me

Justmuddlingalong · 18/06/2018 13:43

If you're sad he's back, I can only imagine how scared your kids are. What an awful atmosphere to live in.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/06/2018 13:44

Have you considered leaving him before? For your DD to burst into tears like that it must be pretty awful. I would have him change immediately and drastically or I’d have him leave if he’s not willing to try.

Motoko · 18/06/2018 13:45

Yes, with my first husband. It was much better when I ended our marriage.

You need to think about ending your marriage too, because he's affecting your children's mental health. If you don't, they will grow up with anxiety problems and low self esteem.

Sorry this probably isn't what you wanted to hear.

LeeshaPaper · 18/06/2018 13:45

I think the thread last week was more along the lines of "I love when DH is away because I don't have to share the chocolate HobNobs while I watch -Harvey Specter- Suits instead of football"

Your children are terrified of your "D" H

You all had a lovely time without him . You could make that feeling permanent....

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 18/06/2018 13:47

I thought this would be a lighthearted thread about it being nice to have some time to yourself but actually I think this sounds very sad and worrying. Your children are frightened of their dad - that's really terrible. Is he not devastated to be told this? I would be sitting him down for a very serious discussion and ultimatum tbh.

ApocalypseNowt · 18/06/2018 13:48

Your post makes me feel terribly sad for your dc Sad

You say he's good otherwise....does it balance out them being fearful of him? I can't see how it would tbh...

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 18/06/2018 13:50

I think you need to look at this at bit more seriously than just feeling sad he’s back. Your children sound afraid of him and you have to wade in to stop him going too far when he’s shouting at them...I think you need to reconsider your life with him.

My mum used to send us to her friends house when she was working in the holidays. Me and my sister were absolutely terrified of this friend, I remember just spending days sitting on her sofa frozen with fear because if you spilled a drink, dropped a toy or some other accident she would scream at us. I know it’s different as he’s their father but my point is children shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells.

Sparklyshoes16 · 18/06/2018 13:52

It's not an excuse but was his parents like this when he was a child I.e shouty and grumpy? My DH has a lot of his dad's grumpiness sometimes and he is reminded immediately like he does with me when I am being grumpy...I don't think it's cause to leave him but I would go somewhere neutral without the kids and have a sit down talk...and find out what's going on? Has he always been like this or is it recent?

Counselling maybe? To iron out any frustrations if he's finding it difficult to talk? Hope you get sorted!

OuchLegoHurts · 18/06/2018 13:53

Yeah I think there's a big difference in your situation and the other threads you mention. I like having the TV to myself for a couple of nights but I love my DH and the kids are crazy about him.

You're bringing up your children in an atmosphere of fear.

BottleOfJameson · 18/06/2018 13:53

It must be horrible for DC to be so worried all the time. I would seriously address the urgently.

BottleOfJameson · 18/06/2018 13:54

Like PP I sometimes like a night on my own to hog the bed and choose the film to watch but I'm happy when DH is back and so is DS.

Friendsupport · 18/06/2018 13:55

They are very young to be already living in fear of their own father

LondonLassInTheCountry · 18/06/2018 13:56

☆ In general we are pretty happy ☆

Your children aren't...
You have to decide who comes first

DashingRed · 18/06/2018 13:59

He's an arsehole.

Your children's reactions are very worrying.

He needs to get his anger in check or you need to check out. This is no way for them to live.

Mycheckshirt · 18/06/2018 14:00

My DH works away a lot, I miss him (as do DC) but find the positives, bed/tv remote to myself etc. Neither me nor DC are sad when he comes home though, quite the opposite.

What you are describing is emotional abuse of your DC, they are afraid of him and his responses to their (pretty normal-sounding) behaviour. I don't know if this is a new realisation for you or whether you've already given some thought to leaving/making him leave but there's a wealth of knowledge and support here if you need help working out where you go from here Flowers

Mrskeats · 18/06/2018 14:00

What an awful situation you describe op.
I, like many others, thought you would describe having the bed to yourself, choice of what to watch on tv etc.
What you describe is worrying and needs to be addressed urgently.

A4710Rider · 18/06/2018 14:04

Discipline. Terrible thing.

SmallBlondeMama · 18/06/2018 14:06

It doesn't sound like the dad is abusing the kids or anything like that!! I think the parents have just taken on "good cop/bad cop" roles. Daddy is strict and mommy is fun. You could both benefit from talking to a professional about to how to get on the same page with parenting.

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/06/2018 14:07

Is he impacting their mental health or is it your parenting styles are different? I say this as my DSC burst into tears if they get muddy at all eg falling over as their mom goes mental about it. It dosnt mean she dosnt love them or they her, she just has a different attitude to mud/mess to me and my partner.
Maybe a quick chat about how he tells them or agreeing boundaries might help? Does he do posative stuff with them like playing or swimming?
My partner goes away to work some weekends and I love it as house is tidy and I can watch what I want on the telly!

badger2005 · 18/06/2018 14:07

Just to go against the grain...

I think that a lot of quite ordinary parents would be annoyed with a 10 year old for dropping an ipad. In fact, I think that my dh would be. I wouldn't be, but I think that's unusual?

I think it would be better if your dh was more laidback, but I'm finding the idea that the children are living in fear a bit over the top. I remember being scared that my dad would catch me doing something (e.g., peeling the paint off the walls - couldn't resist). Was I living in fear? Maybe in a very stretched sense! My dad was and is lovely, and I wouldn't have wanted my mum to leave him to protect me!

littlepeas · 18/06/2018 14:08

My dad was scary in the way you describe. I carry a lot of resentment about my childhood and wish my mum had left my dad. It wasn’t his only fault - he was selfish, mean with money, very critical, bizarrely needy......I could go on. I’m in my 30’s now and it still bothers me.

whattodowheretogo · 18/06/2018 14:10

Sounds like an absolute knob. You and your poor kids are treading on eggshells around him. I had a few exes like that and I was so miserable.

PeppermintPasty · 18/06/2018 14:11

But surely not if the iPad was dropped by accident badger? These things happen.

I can't get past the fact that your dc are scared of repercussions from their father, they are scared of their father.

What is your next step? He won't change will he, as evidenced by him missing the point and checking the iPad for damage?

badger2005 · 18/06/2018 14:11

Ah - I typed too slow. Some more level-headed responses have arrived.
Lots of people care about possessions (on here you get people talking about how children have to learn to 'respect' possessions). I don't get the possession-love myself, but it is very normal. And lots of people shout at their kids. Not ideal, but again very normal.
I would think very carefully before deciding that you wish your dh wasn't there. Would your dc really and truly prefer it if he wasn't? I agree with the person upthread who suggested you and your dh get on the same page on parenting strategies. Probably no big deal though, and almost certainly not worth destroying a family for, unless there is a lot more than in your op.