to be sad that DH is back from his weekend away?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

I know that sounds awful! It was great having the kids to myself for 4 days. We had a really happy and laid back time. It was a mellow, happy and loving household for 4 days with very little shouting or disagreements. DH is now back and ugh, he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

To give a better illustration, DD (10) accidentally dropped an iPad yesterday and then burst into tears. I thought she'd dropped it on her foot and was consoling her when she said that the reason that she'd burst into tears was that she thought I was going to shout at her like daddy does if she does such things. I told her that whilst I'd like her to be careful, it's not like she can turn back time and so not to worry about it.

DS (5) was walking upstairs for his bath last night and I was walking behind him. He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it.

Both of those incidents and my sadness that DH has returned aren't particularly good signs, are they? I told him the story about DD this morning and his first instinct was to check the iPad for damage. I had told him with a view to him understanding that he's creating an atmosphere of fear for the kids but he just didn't see it that way.

In general, we are pretty happy and get on well. I do openly disagree with him when he's going too far in shouting at the kids (much to his disdain but my take is that they have to know that I have their backs).

Does anyone else feel a bit sad when their DH is back (there was a thread on here a week or so ago with people saying how they liked it when their DH goes away)?

See - paintedhorizons - totally normal.
If his response is extreme (obviously - obviously - if he is violent) then you have a problem. But the fact that he cares about the things you listed in your OP (ipads, walls) and isn't as laid back as you does not make him the big bad wolf.

Ffs accidentally dropping an ipad is not the end of the world, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm clumsy and am always dropping mine.

For a 10yo to cry in fear that she'd be in trouble is worrying imo. And a 5yo shouldn't have to be scared of touching the wall when he goes upstairs, he shouldn't give it a second thought.

The thing that jumped out at me was "daddy's walls", they're not daddy's walls, its the family home. I lived with an "angry" dad and a mum who was always walking on eggshells to keep the peace. And yes, I answered him back too sometimes, doesn't mean he didn't frighten me, just that I couldn't take it silently all the time. I tell you one thing, it really screwed up my judgement when it came to relationships. I'm not saying you should leave him but can it really continue like this throughout your kids whole childhood?

Oh and don't get me wrong either-I'm a right old moaner about things like dirty hands on walls and chucking their dirty socks on the floor and not in the washing basket etc etc, but my dc aren't scared of me.

This is really sad, you need to start thinking about your children. How would you feel if you left him? If you live on your own with the children, do you feel relief?if you do, then it's time to leave darling.

I don't know many parents who would be annoyed with a child for dropping something accidentally unless it was dropped as a result of them doing something they shouldn't be.

Exactly this, accidents happen, especially with kids! DD has dropped her iPad a couple of times, not her fault just accidental butter fingers, it may have caused a sharp intake of breath from me or DH but no more than that. It's in a case, DD knows (and abides by) the rule not to run around with it and we have accidental damage cover, I would hate it if she thought we would get annoyed with her for something she couldn't help.

My DH can be similar and my 2yo has recently commented-though he's never been on the receiving end- that daddy shouts@ds1, repeating the phrase he used over and over while going off to sleep, and asked if daddy would throw his toy trolley again (thrown on the table in frustration when ds1 wouldn't return it to ds2).

Yes tge situations are understandably annoying but it's all in the reaction, or explosion. No body means to drop an iPad or dirty walls, generally so most know or feel bad immediately afterwards, my 2uo apologies for the smallest of little slip ups and he's always treated v softly because it's not done on purpose. I do think my DH reacts rather than responds and thinks shouting crossly is discipline, it's not imo. He has definitely experienced same from his father-much worse- and has been to not enough counselling. I am very sad about it and do think I deserve more but of course both DC adore him and it would cause major heartache. Wishing you the best OP and pp who has the same. It's the cloud over my head.

He sounds exactly like my father. I grew up to have an anxiety disorder, zero self esteem, and a string of abusive or just plain crappy relationships. I blame him entirely. Please don't let this happen to your children.

Kinda feels like the sequel to Sleeping with the Enemy if JR character had stayed put.
ObviouslyI hope no physical violence involved, but shouting is extremely abusive op.
I had very shouty parents and when i reached my teen years I had to be medicated for extreme anxiety and was eventually removed from the home, there were other factors in play but the verbal abuse really was very hard to deal with and it affects children's self worth/self esteem.
Why should they have to walk on egg shells because of normal childhood accidents/behaviours.

It's wrong and you know it, would he be open to anger management at all?

The comment "daddy's walls" stood out to me too. Not a small child aware of not making something dirty, but aware that his dad doesn't want "his" precious walls touching. Made me very sad. He sounds awful tbh.

I had an abusive parent. As children we loved him and showed him affection because (sadly) that was our normal, he was our dad and that was all we knew, we also would back chat / voice our disagreement at times as we would feel the unjustice or just be fed up, it didn't mean we weren't scared of him, we were! As an adult I have zero contact with him, and a strained relationship with my mum due to resentment and sadness that she didn't protect us.

Couples counselling isn't recommended for abusive relationships. My advice would be for you to have some counselling alone so you can begin to see the wood for the trees and put your kid's happiness first.

What's hard is some viewing shouting and flying off handle as normal... It's makes you question yourself.. and I have a father who never raised his voice so do wonder if I'm oversensitive to it.. and then there's being normalised over the years.. I really feel for you OP.

mikado1 it's been over 20 yrs since I lived at home and I still jump with that horrible rush of adrenaline and fear when DH cheers at the football, so no I don't think it ever goes away really.

who wants to be obeyed well you and your children are not dogs so I would suggest he finds somewhere else to live

Is he nice with the kids in a general day to day situation though or always picking at them? A lot of us older MNers will have been brought up in quite strict households with old-school domineering parents and been disciplined quite harshly but the key is knowing the undercurrent of love and fun is there.

I feel very sad for you and your kids, OP. This is not normal.

As a side note: anyone who has young kids and is that worried about their iPad should spend less on their tablet. You can get them for as little as £30 these days, so you'd have to be a fool to spend £300 on one if you're going to stress that much every time your kid drops it.

Sounds like a little of column A, a little of column B to me.

The iPad thing is on of those "were you being careful? Then accidents happen" and if hes being shouty then he might need to be a bit more tolerant.

The other one "He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it." sounds to me more like actually "I know I'm not allowed to do this, but I am, and I know you don't care so I'm getting away with it." If hes been asked not to do it, then what does "he didn't mean it" really mean? Just don't do it, surely?

Whether he is right or not about the ‘rules’ isn’t the issue.
The issue is that the Op and her dcs were all much more relaxed with their father away.

I would have a look at what he is actually bringing to your life. Living with someone who is constantly unhappy, grumpy, grumbling etc,.. is depressing in itself. It has an impact on your and on the dcs. And whose it’s normal to have rules and be more shouty sometimes, having both of your dcs reacting fearfully like this isn’t good at all.

I learned from my first marriage that when you're sad when your partner comes back after being away, then it's time to end the marriage.

it sounds like more his attitude the problem, he wouldn't be wrong to tell off a child who drops an ipad - if they are old enough to play with one, they are old enough to be careful, and who allows their kids to drag filthy hands on the walls?

It's more about him being grumpy for no reason and bringing a bad atmosphere again for no reason. Having a go at you for cooking the wrong food is not acceptable!

I think the children opened up to you while he was away because they felt safe. It all sounds quite telling.
It's natural for them to cuddle and kiss him and try to build up coins in the affection-bank to offset against the next time they do normal child things and upset him. It doesn't mean his parenting is good. It means they want his love, which is normal.

This is like my ExDH. The kids and I are much happier now.

I agree about the walls thing. Mine made our walls all black from their rubbing their hands along them. Also think husband might be a Type A personality- google it for some advice. Mine is doing Stop, breathe leave, to help with being angry!

Christ, it’s never occurred to me to tell my kids not to touch the bloody walls. As far as I’m aware, they propel themselves up them without anchoring themselves to anything (I’ll have to check the CCTV footage 🙄) but I suppose there’s a chance the four-year-old sometimes uses the wall rather than the banister. WTF? And I don’t like the proprietary ‘Daddy’s walls’. Parents who feel compelled to tell their kids it’s their wages that bought the house - well, yes - boil my piss.

Most kids put their hands on walls, when they make a mess you give them a wet wipe and show them how to clean it off, they can do this from about the age of 3 ffs, shouting at a child for perfectly normal behaviour is not productive and says more about the adult than the child.

Why the fuck are they 'daddy's walls'?! That sounds very off to me and I'd be really upset if a young child even thought to make such a comment.

We don't have a bannister either and yes, I agree that hands on the walls leave marks but we all do it, that's not the issue though. It's that DS is actually scared to touch the walls and has marked them out as being proprietary of 'daddy'.