to be sad that DH is back from his weekend away?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

I know that sounds awful! It was great having the kids to myself for 4 days. We had a really happy and laid back time. It was a mellow, happy and loving household for 4 days with very little shouting or disagreements. DH is now back and ugh, he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

To give a better illustration, DD (10) accidentally dropped an iPad yesterday and then burst into tears. I thought she'd dropped it on her foot and was consoling her when she said that the reason that she'd burst into tears was that she thought I was going to shout at her like daddy does if she does such things. I told her that whilst I'd like her to be careful, it's not like she can turn back time and so not to worry about it.

DS (5) was walking upstairs for his bath last night and I was walking behind him. He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it.

Both of those incidents and my sadness that DH has returned aren't particularly good signs, are they? I told him the story about DD this morning and his first instinct was to check the iPad for damage. I had told him with a view to him understanding that he's creating an atmosphere of fear for the kids but he just didn't see it that way.

In general, we are pretty happy and get on well. I do openly disagree with him when he's going too far in shouting at the kids (much to his disdain but my take is that they have to know that I have their backs).

Does anyone else feel a bit sad when their DH is back (there was a thread on here a week or so ago with people saying how they liked it when their DH goes away)?

I learned from my first marriage that when you're sad when your partner comes back after being away, then it's time to end the marriage.

That's it, really. In a nutshell, OP.

Me too, blinkineck.

And me, most of the time.

FaFoutis, I waited until mine were old enough to bring themselves home when he started being vile. It was a long wait, but the least awful of all the awful options.

Thanks Dionysa, a few more years then.

I think the fact that he had a go at you about a dinner he had previously liked just says it all. You really need to have a stern word about this with him and lay down some boundaries. If he shouts you down, tries to gaslight you and tell you this is normal or in fact does anything except accept that he is getting it wrong, it's time to rethink whether you should stay in this relationship.

My STBXH was a shouter when DDs were little and we had the talk. He changed, he tried hard, and the shouting was not the reason why we are now divorcing.

Often it's a culmination of things that hammer the nail in the coffin.

OP maybe you're not happy overall and are referencing these examples in particular, and I hear you.

ExDh thwacked my son around the head with a plastic bottle. Not a LTB in it's own right, but enough to tip the marriage over the edge.

ExDh thwacked my son around the head with a plastic bottle. Not a LTB in it's own right,

Really? Of course it's a reason in it's own right!

I do wonder quite frequently whether the dc are better with him or without him, and usually come to the conclusion of the former... for now.

Motoko I agreed with your position, came on here for advice and was generally advised to not overreact.
We were going through difficult times, but yes it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'd never knowingly subject my kids to that. It was a very distressing time.

Not saying the advice was biased or wrong, just that I think I was confused as to my own judgment and needed other perspectives.
Christ I feel rotten now.

i think your children sound like they are scared of their father, and you will make every excuse to tell us he is a good father, but when hes good he's great and therefore everything is ok. What you fail to see is that your children are telling you something when he is not here - the bursting out crying when accidentally dropping an iPad because she knew daddy would shout at her is not great - but the explanation of hands on walls is heartbreaking. And that fact that you are not 100% happy with him coming home, well, that should raise a flag.

But OP - you will fail to see this as a red flag, because now he's home, his children naturally gravitate towards him and kiss him and cuddle him, so because of that, he cant be that bad, can he? Wait till one of them 'disobeys' him and they cant really 'bite back' like you do.

Good luck - only you know whats best for your family.

Sosogoodagain

I think your posts have been very honest and supporting. Don’t feel bad

Op my dh has always worked away. If he came home early or not my kids took it all in their stride and some cuddled him more others not.

They knew they didn’t need to.,it was ok. I loved him being home.

He doesn’t sound a good man. Sorry

mikado1 Your husband is bullying your eldest son, and its so bad that your two year old can see it. Seriously, how can't you see it?

He sounds like a cunt. Why would you put your children through this? Like really? Your job is to protect them and make them feel safe.

I am very sad about it and do think I deserve more but of course both DC adore him and it would cause major heartache. Wishing you the best OP and pp who has the same. It's the cloud over my head

Mikado you sound even unhappier than the op and what you’ve said above speaks volumes. But what you’re son has said says even more. He’s a little boy and already he’s articulating the situation he’s living. It’s a horrible state of affairs that a small child can’t go to bed at night with peace of heart and mind.

The fact you love your husband is neither here nor there because this isn’t about you. It’s about your sons and them deserving more. Your love for your husband doesn’t trump the needs of a small boy (and his sibling) who goes to bed with so much on his mind and in his heart.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this but please dont sacrifice 2 little boys and a happy bedtime for them because you love your husband.

You all deserve more. That’s for sure. But the children come first to when it comes to getting it.

I found your posts really sad.

@badger2005 I agree with a lot of what you have written, although I can see it's not a particularly popular opinion here.

Those jumping to say LTB or that the father sounds "abusive" strike me as a bit OTT given the iPad and walls examples described by the OP. For all we know the 10 yo could have a history of being careless with the iPad or other expensive possessions and her father's reaction would have reflected this. Yes accidents happen, however as children grow up they have to learn personal responsibility and about needing to take care of (especially very expensive) things. The walls incident is similar in terms of a 5 yo should know that running dirty hands all over them is unacceptable. The fact your child said he was doing this because his hands were clean sounds to me like he was to an extent pushing the boundary with you regarding no wall touching. The "daddy's walls" thing could simply be because your DS knows that your DH is more likely to enforce rules about touching the walls so he had assumed that the walls must belong to your DH as he is the one that seems most bothered about them. Basically I don't think the examples the OP cites are as clearcut as other posters seem to suggest.

I wonder if posters on this thread are generally advocates of gentle parenting? I ask because so many people have agreed that the children must be living in fear etc whilst I honestly think most children don't like being disciplined, so they will preempt and react to it. In my experience they will sometimes cry etc even when that particular scenario wouldn't have prompted the use of discipline as they are still trying to work out and navigate the boundaries. Your DD had maybe been silly with the iPad in the past for example and got in trouble when she dropped it, so when she dropped it accidentally she thought that she would also get in trouble for that as she hadn't comprehended it was the silliness that was wrong, not dropping the iPad per se. Life will perhaps seem more harmonious when the threat of discipline is withdrawn, but I'm not sure that's beneficial to children in the long term.

Having said all this, OP's follow up post about the meal does sound worrying so I'm not saying in her particular scenario there isn't any abusive/controlling behaviour. If that really is the case then of course OP should be looking to rectify the situation.

Exactly Bumpitybumper.
I think maybe what is going on is that there are a lot of posters who have either had genuinely traumatic upbringings and are responding to that, or are very sensitive to the upbringings they have had. Lots and lots of people have upbringings where they get told off for things - even accidents, if they had maybe been a bit careless - and are mildly scared of being caught because they would get shouted at. Not ideal, maybe, but pretty normal and not something that leaves everyone traumatised.

On mumsnet, threads are kind of in their own little bubble... is this what they call 'group think'? So you get one perspective and then lots of matching perspectives. Then you can go to a different thread and get the opposite perspective and it seems like everyone agrees with that. For example, on this thread pretty much everyone thinks that we should be relaxed about furnishings etc and not tell children off for messing them up. Switch to a different thread and everyone is saying that they are houseproud and that children who don't get told off are weird! For what it's worth, I am actually on the 'being relaxed about furnishings, don't tell children off' side, but I recognise that in reality this is a very minority position!

Thank you OnionBridie I'm afraid Im not sure on the love st all, the heartache I was referring to was my DC's, who despite having a reactive and irritable father love him, and of course when everything's okay, everything's okay. I appreciate your comments very much. Sometimes when you're in the situation it's hard to see clearly. Like you I was disturbed by ds2 repeating his words and I told him and was surprised he wasn't too shame faced.

tillytown the phrase was 'Would you ever stop whining DS2' (in case relevant) I agree he is too hard on him often and I say it every time. I am not sure I'd say it's bullying, more his lack of control around his frustration at normal, little boy stuff. I'm watching and clocking it all tbh, it's had a v negative effect on us. I would say it's maybe 20-30℅ of the time ranging from little things, like being obviously annoyed over something completely normal to full on unkind.

Sorry to derail but also, splitting would mean it would continue but without me there to call him out on it or discuss afterwards. He has definitely improved but as a pp said his own childhood can't be deleted. (I didn't know about this before we got married).

I have something a bit similar with my DH- and in his case I know his dad was a shouter too and he has told me about it and how he loved it when he was out and the house lifted etc. He said, he swore he'd never be like his dad.

But, and a big but, he does occasionally shout and once or twice has done with the boys over silly things. I do not tolerate it, and confronted him about it, telling him 'you do not speak to me or the boys like that'. he apologised to all of us, and we did some reading about anger and managing it. And he ha learned this "Stop, breathe, leave' technique which he uses now. Don't get me wrong, he sometimes snaps a little but he does seem more self aware and I just do the 'look' and I look at him, and he stops.

So, they can develop ways of dealing with it and there is a difference between being deliberately abusive and having a quick temper and 'fleas' (patterns of behaviour learned from childhood).

So what I guess I am saying is it may help to simply talk to him about it, at a time away from the children and not in the heat of the moment. When you are both rested. and maybe not accusingly, maybe "I feel ...when you ..." for example. And go from there.

If he isn;t interested in changing, then maybe go from there.

No - not gentle parenting - not here.
I get a bit exercised about indigo children rampaging around hitting other children with sticks as a form of self-expression.
I don't think children should be told off in a way that makes them scared. It should ideally be constructive. 'You've left some marks on the wall. Let's go and wash your hands then I'll show you how to clean them off' or something is how I'd approach it.
Natural consequences followed up by me-being-miffed consequences if the suggestion is ignored, in reality. Me being miffed is, I suppose, a natural consequence.
I like children to clean up after they make a mess.
With technology, I try not to give them anything I can't afford to lose, and try to use cases that ensure things don't get broken.

When I read the OP, it didn't seem like a response to robust tellings-off. Kids are often quite jokey about that kind of thing unless they're scared of a parent. And often quite consistent unlike this, where they're open with one parent and not another.

This is the kind of thing we looked at if it helps any.

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434