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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad that DH is back from his weekend away?

133 replies

theressomethingaboutmarie · 18/06/2018 13:39

I know that sounds awful! It was great having the kids to myself for 4 days. We had a really happy and laid back time. It was a mellow, happy and loving household for 4 days with very little shouting or disagreements. DH is now back and ugh, he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

To give a better illustration, DD (10) accidentally dropped an iPad yesterday and then burst into tears. I thought she'd dropped it on her foot and was consoling her when she said that the reason that she'd burst into tears was that she thought I was going to shout at her like daddy does if she does such things. I told her that whilst I'd like her to be careful, it's not like she can turn back time and so not to worry about it.

DS (5) was walking upstairs for his bath last night and I was walking behind him. He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it.

Both of those incidents and my sadness that DH has returned aren't particularly good signs, are they? I told him the story about DD this morning and his first instinct was to check the iPad for damage. I had told him with a view to him understanding that he's creating an atmosphere of fear for the kids but he just didn't see it that way.

In general, we are pretty happy and get on well. I do openly disagree with him when he's going too far in shouting at the kids (much to his disdain but my take is that they have to know that I have their backs).

Does anyone else feel a bit sad when their DH is back (there was a thread on here a week or so ago with people saying how they liked it when their DH goes away)?

OP posts:

Imelda03 · 18/06/2018 14:14

I agree with littlepeas. Having grown up in this environment the resentment you harbour can impact you for a very long time. You are their protector and relationships (married or not) should never come before the wellbeing of a child.

I hope you find a solution let us know how things go x

DarlingNikita · 18/06/2018 14:15

he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

Why? And is he often like this?

He sounds unpleasant.

TheOrigFV45 · 18/06/2018 14:15

Yes. We are divorced now. It's hard to admit (it took me years and years and years). Come and talk here, we can help get your thoughts straight.

Original poster

theressomethingaboutmarie · 18/06/2018 14:15

I don't think that they are living in fear as they openly disagree with him themselves when they think that he's being unreasonable, I just get fed up of him being so damned hard on them. Kids mess up, that's what they do, that's how they learn and yes, I do wonder if it's been a case of good cop/bad cop.

When they came into our room this morning, they were all over him with kisses and cuddles as they were so happy to have him back. It's just when things go wrong, he flies off the handle and I'm so bloody annoyed that he goes over the top. It's so much easier and happier when it's just me and the kids.

In general, outside of these situations, he is a loving and caring father who spends lots of time with them, gives them plenty of encouragement and support but blimey, when things don't happen as he would like, he blows his top. He's just had a massive go at me now (and I bit back) about me cooking something he doesn't like the smell of anymore (something he's happily eaten in the recent past). He just seems to be such a miserable bugger who wants to be obeyed.

OP posts:

Cath2907 · 18/06/2018 14:16

My DD sometimes burst into tears when she has done something wrong in case we "shout at her". I have no idea why as neither DH nor I are particularly shouty, often I have to spend ages calming her down to find out why she is howling only to say "that doesn't matter why are you so upset?" ..... Cue "Because, sob sob, you will ,sob sob, shout at me, sob hiccup".

My DD uses hand squidgy and washes her hands because DH insists. I am less bothered (I do like to know she's done a post bathroom and pre-eating wash). He is a germ freak - she often says "Sorry I didn't squidge my hands" and I say "like I care".

My mum has a rule about hands on walls, my sister a rule about shoes on carpet. The kids know this and would tell themselves off for breaking the rule - the rules aren't at fault.

I guess what I am saying is that only you can judge whether your DH is over angry, over shouty and agressive and is upsetting the kids significantly or whether these are 2 isolated incidents of specific things that aren't a problem.

Mycheckshirt · 18/06/2018 14:16

Peeling paint off walls because you 'couldn't resist' is a bit different to OP's DC not being able to touch them because they're daddy's walls and might get them dirty though badger. Willfully damaging paintwork is not acceptable behaviour but to not be able to touch walls in case you make them dirty (at age 5!) in the place you're supposed to feel most safe and comfortable isn't right.

badger2005 · 18/06/2018 14:17

Yes PeppermintPasty, even if the ipad was dropped by accident. My dh and lots of parents I am sure would be annoyed and tell their dc to be more careful (in an annoyed way!). My dh is often annoyed with ds for losing things, and these are all accidents. Not my way of parenting, but very normal I think.
And the horror at children being 'afraid' of a parent - I think this is getting things out of proportion. Surely lots of children worry about what their parents will say when they find out that they have done something or other. Again - I am not a fan of punishing children or shouting at them, but my attitude is actually quite extreme. See other threads where people talk about how weird not punishing is. And if punishing is the norm in a household, then children will be scared to do the thing that they will get punished for if caught. This is all normal. Not ideal - but normal.
OP. Were your children excited when their dad came home? Or did they run to their rooms to hide?

DarlingNikita · 18/06/2018 14:19

He's just had a massive go at me now (and I bit back) about me cooking something he doesn't like the smell of anymore (something he's happily eaten in the recent past). He just seems to be such a miserable bugger who wants to be obeyed.

Well, you say it in your last sentence.

Why does he get to have a go at you about trivial shit like this?

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 18/06/2018 14:21

My partner is often away. We have 2 kids a year younger than each of yours.

I am the favoured parent, there's no doubt, and DP has less patience (and creativity) with them. BUT they aren't scared of him - it's a realistic respect they have for us - ie. they'll do as their told, but are willing to fight their corner if they think we're being unreasonable.

If they dropped something, they wouldn't be crying before anyone had said anything (well, unless they were doing something they probably shouldn't and I'd warned them it was going to happen, and then it did - then the guilt would take over, and there would be tears).

When DP is away and comes back, we're all pleased to have him back (even though the washing increases, and there's more coffee cups left lying around) - we all actually quite like him, and miss him if he's not here.

Do you like your DP OP?

cestlavielife · 18/06/2018 14:21

Does the iPad have a protective case like Griffin?

But. You don't like having your dh around nor your dc. So make it permanent. Your dc spending limited time with him and having a safe haven will.bemich better for them

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/06/2018 14:21

There's a difference between 'rules' and breaking tjem....

And emotional abuse....

badger2005 · 18/06/2018 14:23

Well, mycheckshirt, touching the walls with dirty hands (in the way a 5 year old's might be after playing in the garden, say) would also have got a telling off. The 5 year old clarified that his or her hands were clean. So all is good. OP - would your dh have told your 5 year old off for touching the walls even with clean hands?
I think the OP's more recent post about her dh being cross about what she cooked sounds worse.
Where are all of these relaxed households where a 10 year old can drop an ipad knowing that no-one will be annoyed about it because it was an accident? I think I know one family where no-one would be annoyed, and this family is extremely uncontrolling. I just don't think it's the norm.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 18/06/2018 14:24

Does the iPad have a protective case like Griffin?

as an aside, we have ipads in the hard cases like a Griffin, and in the big squidgy toddler ones, and they are LIFESAVERS I prefer the dual layer ones, because there's no risk of scratching the screen, but they do get filthy, and actually we have a large sized pro in one of the squishy ones with a handle, and it's over-sized enough that we've not had any screen issues with that one either.

TheVanguardSix · 18/06/2018 14:28

We could be married to the same guy, OP.

I am at breaking point. Life's too short for this bullshit.
I'm such a happy, joyful mother when he's not around. When he's home, the world and its siblings weigh on me like stones.

ifonly4 · 18/06/2018 14:29

Looking at it was another angle. What sort of person is DH, does he get easily stressed by little things or has a heavy workload/stressful important job and can't tolerate anything that might cause a problem/extra work? What's your relationship like with him, do you live on tenderhooks?

To be honest, I'd be moaning about the walls - the bannister is there for extra support and easy to wipe without leaves marks. We wouldn't shout about dropping an ipad but might be a bit irritated by it, and if it happened again, pointing out it needs to be looked after and they'll be no replacement if it breaks. Believe me, DD is not scared of me. With your situation though, you need to work out whether there really is need for concern or whether you've just had a lovely weekend, doing your own thing without having to take that other person into account.

I'm not trying to defend DH, just trying to look at it from a different angle.

PeppermintPasty · 18/06/2018 14:30

Well, this all sounds off to me, not "normal" annoyed reactions at all.

And the update from you OP appears that you are backtracking, which is fine of course, but if you are coming on here to gauge what is and what isn't a normal way to behave (and I think you know it is way OTT as you've pretty much said so), then you should feel that you can explore that here. It's always a shock in some sense when a group of strangers on here might be putting their collective finger right on it...speaking from my own experience.

Anyway, speaking as the child of an explosive and unpredictable parent, it has never left me.

Goldmandra · 18/06/2018 14:32

even if the ipad was dropped by accident. My dh and lots of parents I am sure would be annoyed and tell their dc to be more careful (in an annoyed way!).

I don't know many parents who would be annoyed with a child for dropping something accidentally unless it was dropped as a result of them doing something they shouldn't be.

Why would you be annoyed with anyone from dropping anything by accident if they were acting appropriately at the time? It makes no sense.

PaintedHorizons · 18/06/2018 14:33

Not commenting either way on OP's DP, kids or OP but people who don't care about possessions are very. very annoying. We need laptops, iPads, phones, cars, shoes, keys etc. We work to pay for them. And someone else trashes them. Kids who haven't been taught that you don't run round with an iPad or drinks of Ribena can turn into adults that treat the place they live in like shit and are rarely welcome as visitors.

Of course no child should "live in fear" but teaching them to think about possible consequences is good parenting.

A parent might not mind about walls but if a child visited my house and put grubby hands on my newly painted walls I'd be furious.

TheVanguardSix · 18/06/2018 14:34

It's terribly confusing for the kids to have, what I call, a 'curtain call parent'. DH is one of those. It's all fun and games until things have the audacity to not go his way. Down comes the curtain. In comes the anger.

changemyname1 · 18/06/2018 14:36

Op I would have told him what your DS had said as I knew before I read it in you post he would be more concerned with the tablet.

Discipline. Terrible thing

No it's not but there are ways and means of doing it.

critiqueofeveryday · 18/06/2018 14:37

I think this is a style issue, not a substance one.

Of course you don't want your DC dropping and breaking things, or putting their hands on the walls. They need to learn those things. But they shouldn't be terrified by an overly authoritarian style of teaching them this. They need to grow up learning to take personal responsibility, and they can't do that if their motivation is avoidance of an angry parent. As they get older, more problems will creep in - lies, deceit - to avoid anger and punishment. You don't want them to have to live like this.

I think you need to be united in both message and style. You probably need to take the messages more seriously, but your DH definitely needs to tone down his approach and learn to reinforce positively, not negatively.

NellMangel · 18/06/2018 14:37

I had this. When he was away I got into a lovely routine where things just worked well.

Felt depressed when he returned, being a miserable presence, treating me like his housekeeper.

Life is much more pleasant now we've split. I wasn't brave enough to leave, but he did me a favour by having an affair so that was the end.

badger2005 · 18/06/2018 14:37

Maybe I don't understand about dropping ipads, because I still have a laptop instead. A child dropping a laptop would be told off by dh here (I probably wouldn't tell anyone off over this - my work laptop is out of bounds in any case!). You have to be careful with laptops... I don't think we have put any specific rules in place, but you have to, you know, carry them carefully, not balance them precariously etc. Maybe it's different with ipads and they are fine to be dropped - I don't know. I just know that telling off over dropping a laptop - accident or not - seems normal to me. Unless there were special reasons obviously.

PaintedHorizons · 18/06/2018 14:39

I also can't stand people who when they have done something to harm you, turn on the drama and make it all about them! Adults who ruin an evening by being hours late, damaging something, costing everyone else money and then turn on the drama and we are all supposed to be sorry for her and forget what she/he did!

Several threads on here every week about that sort of person.

Semster · 18/06/2018 14:40

I have a parent like this, and when he's in a bad mood he takes it out on everyone else.

It was fucking awful growing up in his house, and in my 20s I had a lot of counselling to get over it, and went NC with him for a long time.

He's still a shit a lot of the time to others, but not to me - which just goes to show it's a choice he makes each time he does it.

I guess what I did was make the consequences of his behaviour so unpleasant that he actually stopped.

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