to be sad that DH is back from his weekend away?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

I know that sounds awful! It was great having the kids to myself for 4 days. We had a really happy and laid back time. It was a mellow, happy and loving household for 4 days with very little shouting or disagreements. DH is now back and ugh, he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

To give a better illustration, DD (10) accidentally dropped an iPad yesterday and then burst into tears. I thought she'd dropped it on her foot and was consoling her when she said that the reason that she'd burst into tears was that she thought I was going to shout at her like daddy does if she does such things. I told her that whilst I'd like her to be careful, it's not like she can turn back time and so not to worry about it.

DS (5) was walking upstairs for his bath last night and I was walking behind him. He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it.

Both of those incidents and my sadness that DH has returned aren't particularly good signs, are they? I told him the story about DD this morning and his first instinct was to check the iPad for damage. I had told him with a view to him understanding that he's creating an atmosphere of fear for the kids but he just didn't see it that way.

In general, we are pretty happy and get on well. I do openly disagree with him when he's going too far in shouting at the kids (much to his disdain but my take is that they have to know that I have their backs).

Does anyone else feel a bit sad when their DH is back (there was a thread on here a week or so ago with people saying how they liked it when their DH goes away)?

Thanks LovelyBath77 I have suggested similar technique but good idea to actually read about it. Glad your dh has improved so much.

Not excusing it but just thought it might help to see things from a different angle. To be honest, I get cross sometimes and snap at the children, we are all human. But having some self awareness, taking a breathe and stopping yourself can be learnt and worked on. It sometimes is less helpful to blame, and make it a fault, to give up on a person, than to look at how to change and work on things.

It's not about gentle parenting or not shouting at children. It's quite possible to shout at them when they've pushed boundaries, like mucking about in the morning instead of getting ready for school, while you're trying to get the baby ready to do the school run, and you shout at them.

But the thing is, that sort of shouting doesn't make them anxious, or scared, of a parent that does that. They understand that it's because they're mucking about and they've gone a bit too far.

It's when a parent is always shouting at them, even for minor misdemeanours , so that they're walking on eggshells and anticipating getting shouted at, that there's a problem.

Yes, I see the difference. In learning to help someone who does lose their temper over small things, has a quick temper, it can be changed though, and would help with the latter situation, was what i was getting at. it might not be a lost cause.

He needs to acknowledge his problem and be willing to work on his temper though.

Motoko, 'mucking about' is a minor misdemeanour, and if that's a reason to shout then you probably are 'always' shouting at them by some peoples' reckoning. I think that's normal. On our walk to school, there is plenty of parents shouting and children crying.
Have we actually been told by the OP that the children are scared of their dad? Differently I mean from all the children I pass on the way to school who also I guess don't want to be shouted at?

Lots of children crying and parents shouting on way to school?! That's awful.

I don't mean that on the way to school we are constantly wading through crying children and shouting parents! But I would say that perhaps one time in two on our 10 minute walk we encounter something like that. Child crying, parent telling them to hurry up or stop playing with that or whatever in a shouty way, child crying more. Totally normal, and I would not dream of suggesting that these children would be better without their parents living with them! I am just urging that we are more cautious here - it seems irresponsible to encourage the OP to think of her partner as abusive and start leaving him without some more details.