to be sad that DH is back from his weekend away?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

I know that sounds awful! It was great having the kids to myself for 4 days. We had a really happy and laid back time. It was a mellow, happy and loving household for 4 days with very little shouting or disagreements. DH is now back and ugh, he's grumpy and barking at everyone already.

To give a better illustration, DD (10) accidentally dropped an iPad yesterday and then burst into tears. I thought she'd dropped it on her foot and was consoling her when she said that the reason that she'd burst into tears was that she thought I was going to shout at her like daddy does if she does such things. I told her that whilst I'd like her to be careful, it's not like she can turn back time and so not to worry about it.

DS (5) was walking upstairs for his bath last night and I was walking behind him. He turned and told me that he knew that he was walking up with his hands on daddy's walls but that his hands were clean and that he didn't mean it.

Both of those incidents and my sadness that DH has returned aren't particularly good signs, are they? I told him the story about DD this morning and his first instinct was to check the iPad for damage. I had told him with a view to him understanding that he's creating an atmosphere of fear for the kids but he just didn't see it that way.

In general, we are pretty happy and get on well. I do openly disagree with him when he's going too far in shouting at the kids (much to his disdain but my take is that they have to know that I have their backs).

Does anyone else feel a bit sad when their DH is back (there was a thread on here a week or so ago with people saying how they liked it when their DH goes away)?

Yes this is why me and dp recently (several months ago) parted ways. No one walking on eggshells now and exdp is actually way calmer now with dp. Sad that it didn't work out but when I could see it was affecting ds that's when I knew it had to end.

Most kids put their hands on walls
ahem, no they don't, when their parents teach them not to do it! My walls are clean because my kids don't behave like hooligans in my house. They don't put their hands on my windows either. I seriously doubt they are traumatised or distraught because of basic rules

Yes, because that’s the standard by which hooligans are identified. Stanley knives at football matches? Smashing shop windows? No - putting their hands on a bloody wall. Nuts.

sorry, I should have said feral little brats with no manners because of their lazy parents if you prefer?

The point was the rules are fine, and are the same for many parents, it's the attitude the issue here. Teaching your children to respect their environment and other people's belongings never starts too early.

I think you need to stand up to him when he gets a bit overbearing OP- show him that just because he shouts loudest doesn't mean he's right or should be obeyed. Explain to him your opinion is of equal value to his.

I would do this every time he throws a strop- he needs to communicate like an adult. The two examples you mention with your children don't really sound alarming to me- a lot of people tell children not to touch the walls and most kids would get a ticking off for dropping an iPad. Just shut him down every time he overreacts to something.

Good luck.

I had a friend who used to feel like this, loved it when her husband was away, they are getting divorced now.

Yeah; not what ‘feral’ means, either. And it’s not a matter of laziness. I’m capable of being bone idle, but I’m sure even I could shake off the lassitude to ask my kids not to touch the wall - if I gave a tinker’s cuss about that sort of thing.

Oh come on OP. You are making excuses. He scares his children, shouts at you for cooking something he has liked in the past? What a miserable home life your children, and you, have.

feral little brats...

You sound like a lovely person, forkinmypurse

ikeep I said most, not all, my children have been taught not to touch walls in this way and to not touch glass displays/counters in shops but young children do forget rules as they are learning them especially when they get excited/tired/explore their creative side with poster paint.

It is normal behaviour for children and shouting is not a productive way to teach them not to do it.

Surely you can agree that verbal abuse is never ok?

thanks Cambinonome, I just have kids with manners and kids who don't behave are never invited over. If people are happy to have kids destroy their house, mess up the walls and so on, it's their problem as long as they own the house, no one else should have to put up with them.

The point was just to say that the DH was not unreasonable as such, but his attitude sounded very wrong and his behaviour towards his own wife about cooking not acceptable.

She’s probably got wide-on for this masterful alpha male OP describes - ‘Daddy’s walls’ + ‘My windows = perfect match. Not just ‘the walls’ and ‘the windows’ like godamn normal human beings . . .

but young children do forget rules as they are learning them especially when they (...) explore their creative side with poster paint.

sorry, but you completely lost me there

Allowing your kids to touch the walls, does not mean they're hooligans, feral, or lack manners.

ikeep Does it help to know that my DD lost her Poster paint privileges for a good while after that incident?

My kids are very well-mannered, thanks. They don’t kick the seats in front in the cinema; they don’t watch iPads with the volume up in public places; they hold doors; they’re polite to wait staff. And, I suppose if we were unlucky enough to have friends who guard their walls with a kind of religious fervour,, I’d be good and sure to tell them not to touch the walls when we went round. But don’t imply that I’m a slattern, and that my kids run wild, just because I don’t hold those things dear. WE DON’T TAKE OUT SHOES OFF WHEN WE COME INSUDE, EITHER! THE HUMANITY!

I left mine because of this, among other things.

WE DON’T TAKE OUT SHOES OFF WHEN WE COME INSUDE, EITHER! THE HUMANITY!
neither do we, so not sure what your point is

Why does anyone needs to touch walls and leave marks on them in the first place! I don't put greasy fingers on my kids "art", why should they put theirs on the walls?

It was realising how much happier we were when my ex (kids' father) was away, that sounded the death knell for our relationship. Kids were four and six at the time and he asked if he could go touring round Ireland on a motorbike with his mate for a fortnight!

I readily agreed and I think he was shocked. I think he thought I'd protest more ... but I told him 'you go, you deserve a holiday'.... and the next two weeks were bliss. That's when I realised it was time to call it a day.

He used to call me up dutifully to check in, but frankly I couldn't have given a shit. I couldn't wait to get off the phone half the time.

It was seeing how much better and easier and calmer and happier life was without him around, and how little both I and they missed him, that gave me the courage, a few months' later to end the relationship and leave with the kids.

Never regretted it to this day and it was his fortnight away that sealed the deal for me.

I lied; that was a trap. I insist that visitors to my house remove their shoes * when they come to my house, and if I learn they don’t do the same in their homes, I condemn them and their children as indolent wildlings, and discard them utterly.

• I obviously don’t

OP, your dh sounds like my ex husband, when he lived here I was constantly hiding things the kids had broken, cleaning up any mess they made and the kids had no life skills as they were not allowed to try and do things in case they made a mess or broke something. I kicked him out 3 years ago, my house is so much more relaxed.

Your children are being emotionally abused by their father. They will suffer the consequences for the rest of their lives, unless you remove them from that situation. That's the harsh truth. I speak from experience unfortunately.

But if you leave a miserable angry bastard it just means that the children have to deal with the miserable angry bastard on their own. When I have considered leaving my husband this is what stops me.

The details are very important here. Maybe OP's dh is a controlling violent person; or maybe he is a generally great dad who is uptight about his possessions and sometimes shouts. I don't think we can tell from what the OP has said whether she should leave him, and I think it is a bit crazy that people are telling her to. We could be sowing some bad seeds here!
E.g. 'Daddy's walls' sounds bad right. But OP can you just clarify: did your dh paint the walls himself? I think if he has painted them recently (within your dc memory) then everyone might be referring to them as 'daddy's walls' and know that he is precious about them. Maybe that isn't the case, but I just think we need more details before saying that the OP should leave her dh!

In answer to the original question. Yes, I feel exactly like you OP.