To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

[Havethewishiwishtonight]

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

I feel the other school mum bone is being thrown

PrincessCuntsuela - an apt name - this is aibu. Its a place where people are going to have opinions, and shock, horror, some of those will differ from yours. That doesn't make someone a dipshit. Its 2018, and most women have to go back to the workplace at some point after giving birth, as the DH clearly expects her to.

Lunde, there are part-time jobs, work from home jobs, or getting a special needs nanny while working full-time. Or, as she has said her DH is a good earner, she could retrain by studying at home.

If she doesn't work when her DH doesn't want to support her, the DH is likely to walk. And then she'll have to work anyway. If I had a husband who refused to get a job and wanted to be a sahd forever, I wouldn't stick around - why would I?

The fact is, whether you agree with it or not, no one has to continue to financially support someone else for life. The OP has only been out of work for 5 years, so will be able to find another job. If she continues not to work for another 5 years and he walks out, then its going to be much harder for her to work.

Motoko, someone who is a dinner lady with 2 children will get tax credits, and will also get child support from the father of her children.

It's not often that a man is so eager to do the school run.

So every man who does the school run is shagging the other mums? No wonder so few want to do it if it has this stigma attached.

Well said, kurri

"OW obsessives" indeed. Fucking rude comment.

OP, he "asks" to go to the pub??? That sounds totally unhealthy. He should be able to go to the pub and shouldn't have to lie about it. You should also be able to go out and socialise without him too.

OP - are you now suspecting him of an affair with another mum from the school, is this what you're saying? What was the item he bought and hid in the garage?

It must be very upsetting when you post at a low point and then get 100 plus posts telling you that your husband is almost certainly having an affair.

Please remember that nobody on here knows you or your husband from Adam. Yes men have affairs, but plenty more do not, There could be multiple reasons why your DH is behaving the way he is - stress over money, pressure at work, confidence / mid-life crisis, mental or physical illness, depression, sex drive problems, porn, anxiety - anything!

There will be a higher than average percentage of women on here whose Hs had affairs and when you've been unfortunate to be in the receiving end of that your perspective changes and you understandably view life through a skewed lens. But those ex-Hs are not your H, so it's irrelevant really.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but please stay strong and keep an open mind at this stage.

The problem is harshbuttrue is that your opinion is stupid. This being AIBU, people are entitled to tell you that. And notice that once again, people who know more than you do about childcare for disabled children (because working in a school and having met SN nannies means absolutely fuck all) are disagreeing with you.

This is a child who already attends school part time. You do not know if this is a regular pattern or not, because OP hasn't said, and whether the child can be assumed to be in school at any one time with the regularity an employer is likely to require. You do not know whether there are funds for an SN nanny, or one nearby that will be suitable. You are talking about OP studying whilst also telling her that her DH might leave if she won't work, so why do you think he'll support her while she studies?

And if you were to have a DH who was caring for a child with enough SN to only be in school part time and to receive DLA, and you still thought that on principle your DH should also look for work, not even because the household require the money, that would make you a dick too.

In summary, you talk shite hen.

Don't hold back, Princess

harshbuttrue I don’t think he has to ask to go to the pub. Rather that he wants to have a few hours on his own doing what he likes wo having to give an explication. Which would be normal behaviour in a relationship
‘Honey, I’m finishing work a bit early today and will go down the pub after work. I’ll see you at 8.00pm’
The issue here is the hiding and the lying.

Also Harshbuttrue, you do seem to have some kind of agenda about women who don't work - why is this?

You can bet your boots that if and when the OP does get a job, her DH will be even more pissed off. The issues and criticisms will simply morph into - "you have no time for me," "the house is a mess," etc, etc. Plus her new job will be seen as the "little pocket money job", while he remains in his entrenched role of the "oh great provider" who can't be relied on to lift a finger at home.

Cheers AF!

Oh and about ‘being able to go to the pub wo having to lie about it’
Actually I’m going to disagree with you.
This is father who has a child with SEVERE SN but can’t be bothered to do a thing in the house.
Going to the pub every week isn’t a given. It’s only possible IF the family can afford it. Not financially in that case but energy wise and emotionally. It might well be that the only place he should be is at home because those are very hard times in the day and the OP is struggling alone at home.
In effect, when there is a child with SN what you take for granted normally just doesn’t apply.
Even less when he isn’t willing to look after his own dcs anyway (see the fact the OP hasn’t been away on her own more than one hour)

In effect, if he feels he has to lie it’s pribably because he knows very well he shouldn’t doing it!

Not sure why everyone is piling on to harshbuttrue1980 she has a point, if you're out of the labour force for more than a short while it's hard to get anything except the most pointless of jobs

And if that were all harshbuttrue had said, she wouldn't have been piled on. It's all the other shit she felt the need to come out with.

The thing is OP that there is no significant downside in taking some steps to protect yourself even if you really believe current behaviour can be turned around

• getting copies of paperwork (statements, payslips etc) and putting somewhere he can’t access either physically on in a cloud. Don’t forget pensions and any deferred benefits
• making sure you understand hebfull financial position - what comes in and what goes out
• opening your own bank account and slowly building up a bit of emergency cash
• taking legal advice on the legal position if you were to split

What constitutes a "pointless job" ?

I agree with the majority of posters. You should stop torturing yourself to change to please him. Even if you did everything he asked, it would never be enough, he will come up with new demands. Just stop.

Obviously no-one knows if he is having an affair or thinking about having one but I have read a thousand times on here of the husband demanding impossible things of the wife, doing everything possible so he can turn around and say - it's her fault, she left/threw me out/I didn't want to leave/I love her/my children/she's obviously gone mad++++.

Gathering paperwork together, financial and otherwise is also excellent advice. If he wants out he has had weeks/months to think and plan his strategy. You don't want to be caught on the hop.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Not much else to add other than what pp have said it does seem he is checking out and laying the blame in your direction be there an ow or he is taking you for granted or both.

Some people are missing out that the op mentioned a self employed venture which her dh shot down. Sure not all businesses succeed but her dh should support her especially if it means he is also getting what he wants but I think at this point it wouldn't matter what the op does it isn't good enough for her husband.

Frankly you do enough already and he's a twat for suddenly resenting you for it when it was good enough before. You can be happy as a sahm but he shouldn't forget what you have sacrificed in order to do so and he agreed to that as your husband and life partner.

Get your ducks in a row op just incase even if this can be fixed.

'I told him yesterday that I was going to start working soon. I had come up with a small business idea. He scoffed at that and said it was a pretend job that wasn't going to pay the bills sad'

So if you get a FT job, does he realise what his 50% is? Because 9 times out of 10, blokes like him expect the spouse to work FT and still do everything else without their lives being compromised at all.

I briefly had a boyfriend like this. Went on and on about how we should all 'earn our crusts' and 50/50 on bills, but funnily enough didn't apply that to any lifework at all. 'My mum was really houseproud,' was his code for work FT, pay 50% of everything and do 100% of all the lifework.

Fuck that. He messaged me the other day, 'Yeah, still single.' No shit, fucker?

Nothing you do will ever be right or enough. He will always feel hard done by. Diddums!

I agree with AF and Princess, unsurprisingly.

Although loving this idea of a SN nanny! Put your H in charge of recruiting one and you will do the interviewing, you know, 50/50.

He wants you back in decent job so then he can divorce you and the settlement will be less than what it would be if you were a SAHM

I’d put money on an affair. Serious money.

Whatever it is, he needs a good, sharp, shock

Book at least a week away for yourself (fortnight would be better) and tell him he’s in charge of the kids, the house & life. Plus, tell him you do not want to come back to a shit tip. Tell him you need done time apart to think about whether you still want to be married to him & tell him he needs to have a bloody good think about how he treats you and what he wants.

The kids will survive and he will have some appreciation of what you do.

When you get back, if you still want to be married to him, ask him if he’s in or out of your marriage. If he’s ‘in’ then he needs to stop acting like a complete bellend and apologise for having done so. If he’s ‘out’ he goes immediately. If he’s ‘not sure’ he goes immediately.

STOP trying to ‘make him see how great you are’ you’re playing right into his hands.

PrincessCuntsuelaBananaHammock. Agree with everything you’ve said

Also, I’m convinced harsh and *busybarbara’ are the same person

Back to the op, let me get this straight. He’s the one who’s been checking out, distant, not lifting a finger at home, lying and generally being a twat. Yet, you’re the one who’s been bending over backwards being nice to him and doing extra special things for Father’s Day. Now he’s putting pressure on you to get a job that realistically wouldn’t be good for either of you. I’m sorry but as others have said, he’s already checked out of your relationship. I guess an affair, more than likely with a school mum if he’s insisting on doing the school run all the time.

You need to get your affairs in order and not get a job. He’s going to try and screw you for maintenance if you do

Book at least a week away for yourself (fortnight would be better) and tell him he’s in charge of the kids, the house & life. Plus, tell him you do not want to come back to a shit tip

harshbuttrue1980 there is nothing wrong with being a dinner lady, obviously. There is something very wrong with a man manipulating a woman to take a low paid part time job so that he can reduce the amount he has to pay to support his family when he leaves suddenly with 'the upgrade'. My friend worked as a model for 12 years and could not continue with her lucrative career after having complications with her twin pregnancy and delivery. Why shouldn't he support his family?

She is now a probation officer and supporting her kids alone after their dad left his 3rd wife and the country (and 7 children) for a 22 year old French woman.

Oh god - I didn't realise @harshbuttrue was just derailing.

OP - stay focused on the helpful comments. MN is a gold mine of help for you.