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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when to tell DH that enough is enough?

393 replies

Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 10:41

My DH was always affectionate, funny and generally lovely to be around. Something changed a few months ago, he became withdrawn from me and family life in general, and I was (and still am) devastated. We've become just two people living in the same house, nothing more, nothing less.

Lots of things have been said, but if i ask him outright what the problem is, he won't say. First he said it was my attitude towards him, so i became more aware of that and changed - now everything's been fine for months. Next he said that he didn't feel appreciated by myself or the children - I told him of course he is, and we show him that in all the things we do for him and how much we love him.

Now everything has become about 'his money' and how I don't have a job. We have two young DC who have recently started school, one of whom has special needs and only attends part time. I do everything around the house, he doesn't lift a finger, as well as 95% of the childcare, even on weekends. My DS with special needs cannot be left in childcare so i am trying my hardest to find a job that is on certain days, and only within very specific hours (which is proving extremely difficult).

I find my DH very resentful of me. He resents that the children favour me, he resents that I am a sahm, even though I contribute just as much as he does to family life. He has withdrawn all affection, will not initiate sex, will not speak to me unless he has something to say. It is just devastating.

I just wonder whether when I get a job, it still won't be enough for him. Will there just be some other excuse why he can't make more effort and be my husband?

AIBU to wonder when enough is enough?

OP posts:
ferrier · 18/06/2018 18:45

Where does one find this magical special needs nanny, whose wage is less than the money op can earn less travel costs etc and who is flexible enough to fit around the dc's timetable?

It's hard enough getting childcare for nt children that makes it financially worth going back to work ft. Nigh on impossible for the average earner with an sn child.

Ladymadness · 18/06/2018 19:00

Unfortunately ielt sounds like hes having an affair op .
I dont understand why so many pp are shocked that he asked to go to the pub tbh.
If my dp want to go out he will ask me and vice versa. It isnt about getting permission to go out it is about checking that im ok doing the childcare when he is gone.
I cant just swan off out on my own when i please so he isnt eather Grin

Motoko · 18/06/2018 19:31

So every man who does the school run is shagging the other mums? No wonder so few want to do it if it has this stigma attached.

Oh don't be stupid and twist my words. I was talking about ONE man, who is showing signs of either having an affair, or wanting to start one. This man does nothing else for his children, so why is he so insistent on doing the school run? It's because he has a reason, and it's got nothing to do with spending time with his children.

spidersonmyceiling · 18/06/2018 19:32

well, sorry to be another affair suggester, but that is how my now ex starting behaving around the time when his affair was beginning. I did work by the way, and brought in a reasonable sum, but it was 'only part time' and it wasn't fair I worked from home so I didn't have travel time, and why didn't I have a job that paid as much as his did, well put simply he did jackshit round the house, never took time off for children's stuff, too important for that,voluntarily worked long hours and filled most of his time off with his hobbies, which always took preference so retraining would have been hard, couldn't have afforded that with childcare etc and loss of job I had. He had been happy enough to have the extra money, and to be looked after hand and foot. Anyway, yes it was all about when he planned to leave, I was by that time late 50s with orthopaedic problems, and by then, depression and heart problems. He'd have been happier for me to take a job in Sainsburys stacking shelves that I couldn't do with my physical problem, earning less than my part-time job which was flexible. Or something else with travelling expenses. Totally unaware that costs of the job and net income would be taken into account, so I'd just have less time and no more money. The OW had been telling him about how it worked as she'd done her own divorce.....well she was wrong, but it didn't stop him trying. It was accepted in law that I'd enabled him to get as high up the ladder as he had, it was good to have the contribution acknowledged
Even if it does not turn out to be an affair, get your ducks in a row, gather up financial stuff so it is all in order and you know where it all is, and you find things that later he might try and hide. Or if you do decide that enough is enough. It's good to be organised anyway.
FWIW we had a clean break, and he still works full time even though ow works full time, in a professional job. Go figure
If it's not an affair, you still have to consider whether you want to live with that sort of behaviour. again looking back yes things improved on holidays, probably cos he couldn't sneak out at lunchtime and meet her, or 'work late' and as I wasn't suspicious I wasn't monitoring how long he spent on the phone or how often he texted

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/06/2018 19:44

Surely the sudden insistence on doing the school run is so he can claim he does lots of childcare and thus pay less maintenance?

YouTheCat · 18/06/2018 19:58

OP I'm sorry your h is being such a twat to you.

I have to laugh my arse off at 'special needs nanny' - because of course there are loads of them around and childminders who specialise in additional needs Hmm

My ds's needs were so high that even a 1:1 holiday scheme couldn't handle him. If OP's child is only able to attend school part time that would imply that their needs are high and complex. A specialist nanny just isn't an option unless you are earning a huge amount.

Pa1oma · 18/06/2018 20:02

"Doing the school run" is actually the easy bit though, isn't it. It's the thousand and one other bits you've done to get them out the door that's the tiring bit.

The fact that he is suddenly into doing the school run could just be that - it's a defined and significant thing he does for his kids. He can now say, "I do the mornings". It does not mean he's having an affair with a school mum!

For instance, after many years, my DH is suddenly very keen on doing the school run. Strangely this has coincided with the purchase of his Ferrari - because this is the only time he gets to drive it! Of course, by the time he leave for the school run, he's had his coffee and breakfast made for him (by me) and done nothing whatsoever towards getting three children ready and out. He's just had a shower and got himself dressed.

So no it doesn't mean an affair, but I still don't understand the significance of the thing he bought and hid in the garage OP?

Original poster
Havethewishiwishtonight · 18/06/2018 20:15

Just had a huge argument about the lies. He keeps insisting that he can do what he likes with his money. I keep saying it's not about the money it's thay he keeps lying about things. He then says thay he's sick of putting a roof over my head, etc when I've got the hours the DC are at school 'free'. I tell him I've been trying to get a job. He says from now on he will be in complete control of 'his' money. I am truly devastated...there are no words.

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 18/06/2018 20:17

What an absolute bastard. I'm so sorry OP.

Loopytiles · 18/06/2018 20:18

He could be doing the school run to support his custody case.

KateGrey · 18/06/2018 20:20

What an arsehole! I have two children with Sen. One attends mainstream on a pt basis. Working has been impossible. I’ve now got a work from home job but I still do everything I did before but now have to add 15/20 hours of a work a week and dc only goes to school for three hours a day. Maybe your husband wants to give up work and do it all. We also can’t do holiday clubs either. It sounds like you’ve made his life easy by showing that you cope well and he’s assumed that your life is easy and resents it. You have my sympathy (as I sit on the bed with my non verbal five year old as my dh has gone out to watch the football). It’s not your husband’s money it’s family money.

Ladymadness · 18/06/2018 20:22

He says from now on he will be in complete control of 'his' money
Well he can fuck right off with that attitude Angry i think it has been enough now op. I would be getting all my ducks in a row and leaving.

Loopytiles · 18/06/2018 20:24

Yes, given the circumstances, for you to WoH he would need to do much more parenting - affecting his work pattern and situation - or stump up for and help organise high quality, expensive childcare.

But that doesn’t seem to be his plan. His plan - with a DC with SN! - seems to be for him to enjoy being a parent and be “facilitated” to keep his earning power and status at work, while you do the domestic work and parenting, and take all the personal financial risk AND WoH, within constraints making it very hard to do so.

RideOn · 18/06/2018 20:29

I'm sorry OP, that's such shitty behaviour from him.

lola006 · 18/06/2018 20:29

As a SAHM I know what a difficult, full on job it is and none of my DC have SN.

Something is going on and no one but your DH knows what. You working might be great for you, but what happens when the DC have hospital appts, are sick at home, etc? Will he take time off? Is he prepared and understanding that he’ll need to do laundry, dishes, dentist appointments, shop for school uniform, etc?

From your first post to your latest update, it seems you have had the courage to speak with him and it’s only getting worse. It might be time to flat out ask him if he wants to stay married to you. If he still loves you. I hate to say it, but prepare yourself to hear no’s :(

Pumpkintopf · 18/06/2018 20:33

Your husband is being a complete arse.

It is not his money, it is family money that you support him to earn.

shiklah · 18/06/2018 20:33

You need to take control OP. Please don't let him treat you so terribly.

KateGrey · 18/06/2018 20:37

@harshbuttrue1980 do you have a child with Sen? Getting a job with children with no Sen and who are at school is hard enough.

My dc only stays until 12. Somedays if school are fed up dc is sent home. Dc can’t start school until 9. It’s a nightmare! Unless you’re at a Sen school and you still have appointments. Not to mention how emotionally exhausting it is. I do everything from appointments to ehcps to one plans to making the bloody cards for her communication book. I’m screamed at, dc has no awareness of danger. It’s bloody hard. My husband gets to walk out the door to go to the job he has chosen and can change if he grows to dislike it knowing I pick up all the crap. I know which job I’d rather do.

I hope he’s not having an affair OP. I think for a lot of men they just think sahm loaf about all day.

Have school got an integration plan for your child? Because reduced timetables should only be used for 8 weeks. Like us you’re probably facing lots of unlawful illegal exclusions.

TheCraicDealer · 18/06/2018 20:40

I don't think this is about money, this is about you catching him out lying about his whereabouts on Fridays and knocking the school drop offs on the head.

Ellie56 · 18/06/2018 20:41

KateGrey Have you raised these illegal exclusions with the school?

ByeMF · 18/06/2018 20:43

Time to have a chat with a solicitor OP. Those are not the words of a man that loves you.

Gottalovethesummer · 18/06/2018 20:43

Maybe he wants you to be financially independent so that he can leave you with less guilt?

Motoko · 18/06/2018 20:48

So now he's adding financial abuse to the list.

OP, you've been told what you need to do. As soon as he leaves the house in the morning, get looking for those documents.

Also, make a free half hour appointment with a solicitor to find out your rights. Go to see a few, because each one you've been to see, won't be able to see him.

IamEarthymama · 18/06/2018 20:49

What an idiot he is!
Make sure you get all the information pp have listed.
Get yourself into Mama Bear mode, your children deserve better than this.

Make a private journal of everything you do, for the children, to support child with SN, to keep the house and finances going.

I am highly suspicious of buying something from school mum and hiding it, can you ask friends about her?

I wish you all the luck in the world, you are a brave woman. Don't take any bs from this bloke.

BlueEyedBengal · 18/06/2018 20:50

If my husband began treating me in this was I would be thinking there someone else, and I would be doing a great deal of nosing into every part of his life to find out if he was messing around. It's screaming affair here I think.Hmm