Brother-in-law's wedding

[ParkaGirl]

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

Is it worth jeopardising your relationship for?

For me, it would be. I wouldn't prevent my DH from going and would be civil to them, but I'd reduce contact to a bare minimum. This behaviour speaks volumes about the type of people they both are.

Well done to your DH for sticking up for you!

From what is being said the SiL treats (absolutely appropriately) step-family as in former step-mother, step-mother and step-father as family as well as all of their children who are all invited it would seem but she is not inviting any of their spouses or the spouses of her full and half-siblings and therefore she feels that ParkaGirl can't be invited.
Reference was made to their being 7 spouses of full and half-siblings + OP plus a number of spouses of step-siblings.

I would wish them well but for the rest of my days, they would be well down on my list of priorities and be worth nothing more than a polite hello when I saw them at mutual family events. I know this will be hard because you come from a nice family, I do too but seeing how my in-laws can treat me and dh, I have toughened up. I am polite but very cool, in a way that would be unimaginable with my own family but that's just the way it is.

Exactly this, Meredith. Exactly.

I completely agree with everything EWAB has said. Terrific posts.

My relationship wouldn’t recover. If bil dropped around as he has done in the past I’d probably be incredibly petty say oh dh has to go get some beer - I know I bought some darling but that was for family or friends. Then go hang In another room.

She sees you 3-4 times a year and you (and apparently 90% of mn agree) that she should change the dynamics of the wedding completely to invite you and all of the siblings’ partners? That’s crazy! They are not singling you out; they have made a choice about the kind of wedding they want and that should be respected. It really isn’t/ doesn’t need to be a drama. Not everyone wants a huge number of people there. My DH and I didn’t so we had to draw the line somewhere. If this causes a family rift it will be on you. Be disappointed by all means but be gracious and let it go.

but OP is FAMILY.. she the Grooms brothers WIFE not dear cousin Franks third girlfriend this year

Surely BIL and STBSIL have 50- 50 split on invite list. If she has lots of siblings, she'll have a small friends quota; if he has fewer siblings, he'll have a larger friends quota. He can either say, I'll invite whoever from my family that i chose for my half, or class you as a friend.
Or, can friends only be 'joint I.e. hers?

Reading it again, This line from your OP stuck out If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones - it's not about you, it's not your wedding, it's not just you being excluded, she isn't inviting her own siblings partners, why make this all about YOU?

I think some of the comments suggesting family should always trump friends are a bit unfair. The people you choose to have in your life can be vitally important.

That said, I think the bride and groom are in the wrong here. Saying ‘don’t bring your wife of seven years’ is a bit different to saying ‘You can’t bring a date’. Something has to give here and, in my view, that something is the venue. It’s all very well having a ‘dream venue’, but it won’t be a dream wedding if it causes a permanent family ruction.

I wonder if there’s a bit of an inferiority complex going on for the groom. He was best man at the OP’s (very big) wedding, knows he’s not in a position to have a similar wedding, so is defensive about them having the smaller ‘decent’ venue.

Forgot to say, I’d encourage your husband to go. Your lack of an invitation will likely cause issues for some time, but if your husband doesn’t attend at all, that’s a permanent rift.

I agree with tidy dancer- she is being quite particular with having 1 table & possibly could have a few more people if she had 2 tables.
I generally would agree people should be able to invite who they wish but can see why this is a bit shitty for you. It doesn’t seem personal but I also think if she really wanted you there she would make a way.
At our wedding we said no cousins in the day (added about 26 to the list but also their partners) but I have 1 cousin who is more like a sister. We speak every day & she was travelling 4 hours also. So she came (actually was my bridesmaid). No one questioned it but I did explain to both my parents & inlaws why she was invited (she’s not just a cousin she’s one of my best friends). Sorted!

Things have absolutely gone from bad to worse
Father-in-law called a summit and offered apparently eye-watering sum of money for a large wedding where ALL in-laws could come. Brother-in-law became emotional saying they wanted to make things legal and even if they had time they did not want stress of arranging that type of wedding. Then apparently unknown to us two years ago he had asked father for the equivalent he had spent on us for a house deposit. This money was not forthcoming as father-in-law didn’t know brother’s fiancée well enough. BiLwas beyond upset and crying as now money was available but they had lost their dream house.
Father-inLawthen said we would all go to wedding ceremony but leave them to it for reception. This wasn’t acceptable as they wanted cohesion and this would leave space at table. BinL hugged husband and was very upset.
Then FiL went to meet bride’s father found through business listing thinking they could sort something out. .... he didn’t know his daughter was getting married!
BiL has completely lost it! She was going to take him to lunch next week to tell him. Emails followed from both of her parents. The mother claiming that my in-law’s have put the baby at risk. My parents-in-law have never made comments about step-family being invited at my expense but bride’s mother suggested they had. She felt that I was clearly the favoured daughter-in-law.
Then she made a comment that they had sent their daughter to check out the venue and make amendments-they don’t have daughter so they couldn’t have. ... and then my own sister admitted she had gone to the venue to be nosy about numbers! I do not know where to go from here. We all seem just very ill.

Bloody hell!! Bedlam!!
I would suggest your dh declines the invite and the two of you have a nice relaxing night away that day!!

What a mess!

Wtf was your fil thinking in going directly to brides father behind their backs? That's WAY out of order!

Your sister is also out of order going to the venue - what the hell did she say to the venue? Am I right in thinking venue thought she was your in-laws daughter? Was she pretending to be you? Did you know she was going?

However - re suggestion of all at ceremony and not at reception, bil & his fiancée can't have it all ways.

As was said initially, even if they only invite dh and not you, that's their choice BUT they don't get to dictate he attend NOR whether he goes to reception. Your in-laws also have the option to decline - which the way things are going isn't outside the bounds of possibility by the sounds of things.

Did you say to dh he could go but if he chose not to, you'd support him, as I and others advised? If so what did he say?

While he has the right to decline the invitation he DOESN'T have the right to insist you attend neither do in-laws.

What are your thoughts at this point?

Thought this was shitty at the start but if I was them I'd go abroad and invite none of you now.

Reading between the lines, I don't think it's about money, it's about wanting to exclude certain people from the wedding.

That may mean you, it may mean one of her siblings partners, it may be both. Which is a pretty shitty thing to do actually - AND to not be honest about it.

I'm sorry but I rather think if it didn't include leaving you out I think bil would've said something like 'mate, her sister X's fella is a bloody nightmare! If we invite op we'll HAVE to invite him and we REALLY don't want to'

Sadly - and I know it's hurtful, I think she doesn't like you, despite her help in the past. I do think it's possible she's just an ignorant snob.

Blimey. That is a mess. So sorry its got out of hand. Maybe your bill and fiance will decide to elope to get away from the drama. At least that would solve the guest list dilemma.

you have said how nice your family's are but it doesn't sound very nice your fil firsty tried to force them into having the type of wedding they dont want then went behind their backs and did that is awful and I would be beyond furious . As for your sister doing that oh my god it has nothing to do with her what the he'll was she thinking. Well this family have ruined this for then and I would be beyond furious if I was them. It's their wedding and they can have it any way they want if I was then I'd elope at this point.

Wow that's chaos.

On the positive, at least your PILs seem to view you as family enough to stick their neck out.

You can't really do much about what FIL did re: talking to the FoB. Though its bloody odd they've booked this up and created issue with DH before even telling FandMoB.

However you need to tell your sister on no uncertain terms that she was out of order. And you should probably, if you haven't already, apologise for her actions.

Are you worried about BIL? He seems more concerned about how he looks to his F and her parents than anything else, even if it means upsetting his own family.

This is the perfect example of why you shouldn’t put a venue before guests. Look at the furore it’s created.

Dear god, your fil sounds like an idiot!

Wow your sister and fil fucked up and this has imploded. I suggest you stay out of it as does dh. Everyone is being an idiot.

Wow does your FIL have form for being such an interfering nob?