Brother-in-law's wedding

[ParkaGirl]

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

What is wrong with people? It's BIL and future SIL's wedding, not OP, not OP's DH or family. They can invite who the fuck they want!

OP you say you're all 'nice' but you don't sound it. Your PIL has interfered and ruined it all when frankly it's none of his business. And why would he rather spend thousands on a wedding rather than help his own son buy a house?! What a thoughtful man he's not.

Your Stepford robots have malfunctioned!

I think fil comes across playing favourites here. He gave you and dh money to have the wedding you wanted and only would offer it to your BIL if he had the wedding that FIL wanted. Rather than lending for something BIL actually did want, a house.

Absolutely their money to lend or not, but doung this way looks like playing favourites. A house is far more useful then a big wedding. Everyone but you and dh have fucked up here.

Good God. Nobody comes out of this at all well.

I think what I am most staggered at is the assumption on the part of various family members (including your sister?!?) that they have a right to intervene in this. The bride and groom have gone about this gracelessly at best (I wonder if the bride has been reading the obsessing over 'venues' and your-day-your-roolz-hun posts on here and other forums?), but my goodness, they must feel like complete and utter pawns in other people's power games.

Don’t criticise the OPs sister - she was information sleuthing. It is unfortunate that she got caught but there it is.

This is all out of hand because of the bride and BIL thinking that OP should be excluded from a family event. It was absolutely fine for FIL to suggest that he would pay for OP to be included. Turns out, they’d rather exclude OP. My DH would be pissed off too.

Just out of interest OP are your In Laws British? My family are of Mediterranean origin & such interference would be par for the course!

I keep thinking if it was the bride posting this what advice would I give. I think I would say sneak off with a couple of friends as witnesses and marry quietly at a register office. Whatever happens now there is going to be so much bad feeling I'm hoping that's what they decide.

Well the bride has shown that her in laws aren’t important to her. It’s the bride who has caused this mess in the first place. Who doesn’t invite her FSIL to her wedding when her STBDH is always there. Bizarre behaviour from the bride & groom.

CoughLaughFart - because there is a huge difference between someone choosing to give you something & acting like you are entitled to their money. The Fils offer of money for the wedding could definitely be taken two ways but expressing resentment at losing a house because someone else didn't give you their money? Really rude

How do we know the sister didn't go in pretending to be a bride wanting a viewing? Maybe I missed something?
Fil was out of place but surely her parents should have known about the wedding if invites had gone out... And you have the right to invite who you want but your future sister in law surely counts as family not a random plus one...
Pil can gift whoever they want whatever they want and I can understand them not wanting to gift money for a house if they didn't know bil's gf (now fiancé) well enough it's not surprise they didn't want to part with that money, if they had split their son could have lost a lot of money.
Having said that it does seem a bit odd to throw it at them now with all this going on but maybe they thought it would be a way of solving problems instead of maybe waiting to gift it to them as a wedding present? We don't know that they weren't going to gift it to them after anyway? But bil and fiancé had to right to ask for it for their house then sulk about it for two years. It's a large gift and Pil can choose when to give it and maybe they thought it would be more useful in the future and wanted to ensure they were gifting it at the right time.

Graphista, I think you're spot on. I think she's got some IL's she doesn't want there and that this is an easy way round it.

One of the reasons DP and haven't got round to marrying is because it gets so bloody complicated. He has 3 siblings, all with partners, 6 nieces and nephews plus his mum. They are close and would be mortified if any of them weren't invited.

I can barely tolerate being in the same room as his racist, sexist, bully of a BIL and certainly wouldn't want him at our wedding. He would probably not come, because the loathing is entirely mutual, but I wouldn't want to risk it. The children of that relationship are badly behaved, spoilt, entitled brats, so I wouldn't want them there, but the 3 older nieces of DPs other siblings are lovely and I'd hate for them not to be there.

We contemplated having a no under-16s rule, with DPs DGD being the only exception, which would include the older ones but not the younger, but by then I'd lost the will to live.

Could we stop saying its all the bride's fault, since BIL is firmly on board it's both of their faults if blaming them. It isn't all down to the Bride, it is a joint decision fuelled by the BIL's resentment for his dad favouritism.

Dear god, your fil sounds like an idiot!

But who goes this far down the road of arranging a wedding without telling their own father? I don't think he was being an idiot at all, I think he was doing the old-school, gentlemanly thing of trying to sort out what was a distressing mess man-to-man. If they'd wanted it kept secret, they should have told the groom's side of the family it was a fucking secret.

Your Sis was a bit out of order though, OP. I might have done the same, but I'd have kept very quiet about it.

Bride's mother sounds like a hysterical harpy though. I'd be really determined to go to the wedding now, just to see what she's like.

Sanity goes out of the window when it comes to planning weddings sometimes.

The fallout from this will probably go on for years/indefinitely.

What a total mess.

Honestly op, it has gone way beyond what you can mitigate now. Given how many family members have waded in.

I would send her a text and say you hope it all comes together for her and that she has a lovely wedding, no hard feelings, and that you and dh are away for the actual wedding but would love to celebrate with her and BIL separately another time.

Leave it at that and keep things civil. All hell will break lose I am pretty sure of it anyway, so you are best off out of it.

You are better off out of it.

I would send her a text and say you hope it all comes together for her and that she has a lovely wedding, no hard feelings, and that you and dh are away for the actual wedding but would love to celebrate with her and BIL separately another time

This is very good advice. It will hopefully make clear that you want to draw a line under the whole sorry mess and move on.

I also wondered if your InLaws are British since the first pages...
I suspect that your FiL wants his children to have big traditional weddings and so set some money aside. He did it for you 7 years ago and now offered this for his youngest son. But these money are not for children personally- they are for their big weddings. Hence his refuse to give these “wedding” money for the deposit instead. Also I suspected that your FIL prefer old traditional way when a couple is married first and then buying a house together. Nothing wrong with this, just his view.
Your sister was nosey, it happens, it’s not appropriate but no actual harm was done. Tell her to mind her own business next time and not interfere. She won’t, of course, but probably will be more careful next time.
Of course, the bride and groom could have the wedding they want but they need to think how it looks. At the moment it looks like the bride doesn’t value his family much, put her wishes first, and actually doesn’t care would they be married at all, the only way it will happens it’s her way. Her family sounds sounds superior towards his. Your BiL frantically trying to please her. He was crying about all this. It’s sounds very strange.
It’s not about you, OP. It’s just different family’s set ups clashed. The bride was not nice to you all . She was just polite when it suited her, anc it’s ok, but she doesn’t care about you much. She has her own life and that’s it.

Here’s the thing - you’re not a plus one. You’re married - you’re family.

Not a great way for soon to be SIL to behave. Yes, her wedding and all that but YOU ARE FAMILY she is marrying into. Yes, people say the bride can decide BUT With that said — You and your husband have every right to feel hurt by this. Not tactful on her part at all (shame on BIL for not pointing that out too).

and, yes, it was very wrong to exclude you. You are family. It’s how your InLaws see it. Your BiL is very wrong. He should sort out all these with his fiancée. And now it looks like he doesn’t care about his family much.
I feel sorry for you and your husband. It’s all very sad, to be honest.

A thousand thanks for commenting. I think it’s very difficult to give a fair impression on everyone involved. My father-in-law is very English (and some). He and my husband are of course very hurt that I am not invited but I also think there is a lot in both of them that they are more outraged about the what they see as breach of etiquette.
While I am the only person on my Brother—in-Law’s side affected by this there are about 11 sibling full, half and step spouses on her side. We have never as her mother suggested commented on half and step siblings being somehow less important.
Her mother and siblings did know about wedding and her father was being told this week. No invitations have gone out yet.
I have always said my husband should go and now my mother-in-law is begging him to go.
No idea that there was resentment about money but do not think it is directed at us but his parents. They did buy small house in ‘studenty’area.
I can’t believe I am talking about an event like this. I want to contact bride to me but if I say I am fine about it it makes as if I am criticising my in-law’s.
As for my sister.,., she met a friend in the deer park and they ambled upto venue. At no point did she mention this wedding or any connection. I have no idea whatsoever how bride’s mother found out... it was devilment not malicious....although she did point out that she invited both my parents-in-law and my brother-in-law to her wedding.
I don’t think bride dislikes me enough to exclude all those other people just to exclude me. I genuinely believe that they have fixed amount to spend and don’t want to spread it thinly that wedding becomes’cheap.’
I genuinely feel a bit ill and mother-in-law taken to bed!

It sounds really stressful for all involved now. Keep your head down until blows over would be my only advice, talking to BIL or SIL cannot improve the situation in any way as its gone too far.

As horrible as this must now be for them, I do think they brought it upon themselves to an extent. A 2 tier system for close family member will always run the risk of unpleasant fallout.

I'd just keep your head down for now as PP says - this isn't your fault.

I do find their desire for a classy wedding that doesn't look cheap quite amusing though, as I can think of few things that look cheaper than not inviting your siblings spouses. I'm all for having a small wedding if that's what you want, but splitting married couples who are part of your family isn't something which would make me think "wow, that was a classy wedding"

Different if it's a large group of workmates or similar but BIL/SILs...nah.

I also think the brides not having told her parents yet, the issues around invitations, the bil reluctance to upset the bride at all, op has mentioned she thinks bil is worried bride won't go through with the wedding at all...

Suggests to me bride maybe didn't envision actually staying with groom long term, marrying & having DC with him (sounds like pregnancy was unplanned)

We see on here all the time women posting about partners who see them as only partners who'll "do for now" reluctant to discuss marriage & kids, who then when that relationship breaks up, meet someone who is "the one" for them. Marry and have kids quickly after many years of avoiding with previous partner.

I've seen this happen with the female partner not wanting to commit, even being embarrassed/ashamed of their partner, not seeing them as 'good enough' too.

I agree the "classy" ship has long since sailed.

Classy is about how you TREAT people NOT how an event looks.

I want updates on this shit show more than I want updates on Shitting Man at this point! How are things OP?

Blow up the venue?

Well the wedding took place and both parents-in-law and husband (and cousin) went.
I know that this is a first world problem and I only joined mumsnet to get honest opinions. I then lost my password so have rejoined Jensen change of name! I didn’t mind opinions that were different to mine. All the time I had an intellectual opinion which told me I had no right to be upset but overwhelmingly an emotional one that made me cry everyday!!!!
After the wedding my parents-in-law came back. My husband and FiL (now called Something akin to ‘The Commandant ‘ by SiL) said nothing. My DH now says he wished he hadn’t gone. MiL wouldn’t stop talking about it and when kids were in bed couldn’t stop crying! Parents-in-Law both then fell asleep in chair and sofa. It was if they were in shock.
The wedding was apparently stunning with no expense spared. Stunning location, stunning room, stunning food. FiL was sat at the end and at no point did bride’s parents or step-parents speak to him. He told bride she looked beautiful she thanked him and turned away.
Plumsofwrath spoke up thread about a ‘culture clash’ and I think she spoke with insight. MiL kept saying (repeatedly) that they didn’t seem to care! Apparently they were friendly and loud. MiL couldn’t believe it that Bride’s mother and step mothers (1past and present) kissed each other ( on both cheeks) and MiL got embarrassed when she asked a woman whether she was bride’s sister and the response was “no half-sister”.
The bride’s family and the friends seemed to have a fantastic time and when they were taken off in a vintage car ( a surprise arranged by a friend) all the guests carried on drinking. Bride’s brother and a friend tried to include DH in conversation and DH was completely polite but he found the situation completely alien. Everybody present seemed not to mind that they were there without their significant others although MiL thinks that some mutual friends were two couples.
So that’s the update!