Brother-in-law's wedding

[ParkaGirl]

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

I would text her, it’s her wedding day not yours, don’t make her feel bad x

Is it just the two brothers or are there more?

I just don't think a venue is more important than family - id be so upset in your situation OP.

Very selfish and short-sighted of her. A wedding is one day. You’re part of her life forever. Good for your DH for standing up for you.

I doubt OP thinks it's her wedding day

Is your dh invited to be best man? If so then, whilst I would be very upset and mortified, I’d persuade him to go to the wedding. It isn’t worth spoiling a lifetime relationship for one day.
On the other hand if he isn’t best man then he should try not to show his anger again and just explain to his brother that you are now his closest family and excluding you means excluding both. It’s a shitty situation good luck.

I completely understand why you are disappointed OP, and good on your DH for fighting your corner. It is only one day though. I'd encourage him to go for his brother's sake. Let them rebuild bridges when they realize their mistake.

This is different!

I can see why you are upset but I'd let it go, you don't want the 'hangover' of being the one that made her change her plans, or that she couldn't have her dream wedding etc... your DH should go

However, if it were me when the baby arrives I'd be sure to direct her towards her 'close friends and family' for support....

I do think it's very silly of her. I can totally understand no plus ones and no kids if that's what she wants BUT you're not a "plus one" you're an established member of the family and mother to her nieces/nephews. That said I'd probably explain to her why you're upset the graciously step aside and let her do what she wants.

Every time you read one of these wedding threads, depending on who is posting its
(a) normal to invite people you want
(b) not invite people you don't want

The way I'm reading it is: there is a particular venue the bride wants, then there is a a particular style (all round one table) the bride wants. So clearly there is going to be a numbers issue here by virtue of the size of the table.

So how would people resolve this? The maths has been done up the thread.

And who is paying for it? him? her? her parents?

Reading it again, This line from your OP stuck out If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones - it's not about you, it's not your wedding, it's not just you being excluded, she isn't inviting her own siblings partners, why make this all about YOU?

I am seeing this from BIL's point of view. he knows he came from a loving family and compared to his beautiful pregnant hopefully soon to be wife, he knows he is lucky. He has seen her struggle with step parents, step siblings and putting everyone's needs in the picture and he just wants to get it right for her. I guess he hopes that his bond with his brother will be enough but maybe he didn't take your DH aside and say as such. Let them have their day..... yes it is BIL's day too but on this case he is deferring to the needs of his wife and building his family around her. And then maybe invite them both to a fake wedding in your garden so your kids than throw flowers at her and make her feel loved and part of your bonded bubble.

I get it's a shock and not how a lot of people would do it but this is my take on it. It's not personal at all as none of her siblings spouces are going , it's just a numbers thing it sounds like you get on well when you see her but she has a full life with family , close friends and probably works pretty crazy hours she is happy to wait and get married at a later date but bil wants to get married first and not have a cheap wedding so all the people blaming her well really to me it reads a lot of this is coming from bil. They obviously can't afford to have everyone they might want at the wedding and that's hard but if they invited you then all her siblings would be complaining to them about that and then they would end up not having the wedding they want or postponing and it sounds like bil doesn't want that. I understand it's hard and I think anyone would be hurt but I would try and think of it that it is not in anyway personal to you they are just different , with different priorities, needs and wants and obviously they don't have the money to throw a huge wedding at this time.

I am fascinated by this thread, as I posted upthread my brother did exactly this even down to "round one table."
It also touches a nerve with me about relationships siblings- in-law have...in my case next to nothing. Perfectly, perfectly nice people but nice people who have lives of their own, who never stop their partners pursuing relationships with their siblings as like OP's BiL, dropping in after work and going out with his brother.
I would put money on SiL being as nice as Parkagirl says she is but if you sat her down and said "What do you think of Parkagirl?" she would say "Which Parkagirl?" as she probably has loads of women with that name in her circle. Parkagirl is irrelevant to her, not because she doesn't like her but as far as she is concerned she isn't her family. As Plumsofwrath said upthread, this woman seems of a different class and does things differently.
Those posters saying that she will regret not inviting her and will need help with the baby, I would bet my house that is not the case. There would have to be a natural disaster before Parkagirl figured on this woman's radar. Just like my sibs-in-law, they have a squillion family members and squillion friends. She will probably always be genuinely nice to Parkagirl's kids when they are in front of her but will never think of them as her nieces and nephews as she has squillions of her own. If Parkagirl invites this woman to have a post-wedding celebration at her house SiL would probably think "how sweet" but her overwhelming feeling would be what a massive inconvenience, as I have my friends, my family and my job and a baby on the way.
I was beyond saddened when my brother did this, I am beyond saddened when sibs-in-law don't include us in their lives.
I think your DH needs to go to the wedding, as I went to my brother's.
I bet any money, that they both want to marry but the baby has speeded things along especially for your BiL and to have a classy wedding, they have to invite fewer people. Like my brother they do not want quality of venue compromised.

No kids fair enough, not having your brothers wife. Big no.

It's all very well saying that 'it isn't personal' and OP'd DH should still go, but OP's DH is the one who took offence before OP even knew. Unfortunately, I think this is going to have a significant effect on the brothers' relationship...and there's absolutely nothing OP can do to alter that because the damage was done the moment her DH knew she'd been excluded.

These types of issues often pop up when two very different families merge by marriage, what is perfectly acceptable on one side is deeply insulting on the other. BiL's future wife is (or at least was - depends on whether BiL has shielded her) probably oblivious to just how much offence and pain they have caused.

How many times has OP fed BIL and offered a friendly ear when BIL 'often' pops round after work?

Many times I'm guessing.

OP has been an extension of BIL's relationship with his brother. And how has BIL repaid her? By saying his fiancée deserves the wedding she wants, at the expense of OP.

If BIL has any regard for OP, he would have told his fiancée that as she has lots of siblings invited, he is going to have his only brother and his SIL there.

Fair enough, it's their wedding they can have who they want, but it would fundamentally change the way I see BIL. I wouldn't regard him as a BIL /quasi brother anymore. He would become a relative. To be treated politely and with respect, but not with any degree of closeness.

I suppose this all boils down to different values. The bethrothed have chosen a place over people. This indicates that they place a different value on their relationships than the OP does. Kicking up a fuss won't change this, but equally the OP and her husband have every right to feel hurt.

Your DP has a few choices. 1) He makes his feelings plain and doesn't go
2) He makes his feelings plain, but goes anyway
3) He says nothing, smiles along and goes

All options damage the relationship with his brother, but option 2 is probably the best bet if you want to maximise the chances of repairing the relationship at a later date.

No one stopping her having the wedding she wants. But that doesn't mean she gets to dictate to everyone. She has invited your dh and he quite rightly said no as you are family. It would be different if it was one of your DH friends, but not close family.

but to choose friends over your brother's wife is pretty shitty behaviour from your BIL.

^I agree. Your BIL and soon to be SIL doesn’t even consider OP as friend. How very sad.

This is totally batshit.

My family is DM, DF, DB and DSIL. Husbands family is his DSis and her DH, and his DB, who is single. Not a chance my DSIL or his DBIL would ever be not considered as family.

Would they let you attend the ceremony? If your husband doesn’t want to go without you, could you both go to the ceremony and then leave when it’s tine for the reception?

For those of you saying that OP isn't close to the bride and only sees her 3-4 times a year, she is close to the groom! He visits often, he was bloody best man at her own wedding - bil should be inviting you as one of his guests without any reference to your relationship with her!

That being said in that position there is no way I would go to the wedding even if they invited you at this stage. I would wish them well but for the rest of my days, they would be well down on my list of priorities and be worth nothing more than a polite hello when I saw them at mutual family events. I know this will be hard because you come from a nice family, I do too but seeing how my in-laws can treat me and dh, I have toughened up. I am polite but very cool, in a way that would be unimaginable with my own family but that's just the way it is.

Plus ones are not for married couples! Plus ones are for truly single guests to bring a date. Couples should be addressed by name and always invited together. Surely she knows if she’s isn’t going to invite her SIL that BIL won’t attend. That cannot be a surprise!

Personally, I would leave it- you gain nothing by getting involved. If the situation were reversed, I would never attend without my DH- but then again my brother would never be so thoughtless to put you in this situation.

Also, I am rolling my eyes so hard at the thought of “wedding she deserves”. Where does it say that anyone is entitled to the big wedding they want??!

It’s a horribly shitty thing to do to put your dream wedding “vision” over family relationships. She made her feelings known about you. She wants a location and photos over your friendship. That’s her choice, but I would ask choose to re-evaluate her involvement in my life. When people show you who they are, believe them!

Your BIL sounds like a right wet blanket who's actually scared his fiancé won't marry him if he makes a very small request to have his brothers wife at his wedding.

He obviously is in agreement now but I think he will regret forsaking others to appease his fiancé in the future.

It's a shame but they can do what they want for their her wedding.

I think your DH is well within his rights to not attend or perhaps go only to the ceremony.

How are your MIL & FIL reacting to this?