Brother-in-law's wedding

[ParkaGirl]

I am new. Created an account just for this.
Love my brother-in-law, a few years younger than DH, he was best man at our wedding 7 years ago. He did an absolutely sterling job. He did not have a partner when we got married.
He often drops in after work to play with the kids and meets up with my DH often, they are close.
He met his partner about 4 years ago, she is absolutely lovely; if I had a complaint it would be that we don't see her enough, but when we are together she is amazing, good to the kids. Doesn't indulge my mother-in-law when she gossips and when my DH had an accident at football, she lent me her car, asked if I had cash and offered me her debit card. I could not fault her.
While I come from a very 'traditional family' where everything is straightforward she has a couple of step-mothers and a step-father and lots of siblings, half and step siblings.
Delighted now that she has had a surprise pregnancy.
I knew my husband was 'off' about something, but he denied it but was texting BiL a lot one evening.
The next day mother-in-law came round crying because DH was angry with BiL. They were getting married and BiL's partner had her heart set on this particular venue; she wants everyone to sit around one table and to accommodate her family and friends she thought I wouldn't need to be invited. She wants sibs, parents and friends, no plus ones and definitely no children.
BiL had raised it with DH who strongly objected. BiL was sad that his partner won't get the wedding she deserved. DH has confirmed everything.
What would you do?
Her family are perhaps more 'sophisticated' than mine. If I am there then all of her sibs will have to have plus ones and she won't get the wedding she wants. She hasn't spoken to me about this. I am utterly devastated but should I approach them and say I am ok with this?
DH can just about stomach the kids not being there but will not go to wedding without me.

@ParkaGirl You very kindly say that she's not a bitch, but I beg to differ!

I agree with your DH about not attending, on principal

Your last two posts have clarified things I think, OP. Minor aristo, boho mum, huge rambling family, full and busy life of her own, training to be a doctor, accidentally pg, and it seems a fiancé who’s more into marrying her than she is into marrying him. You and your family and DH’s family are “just nice”.

It’s a cultural difference, I think. Her ‘type’ don’t play by the same rules as people who are “nice”. I’ve never understood it, personally: they’re exactly the sort of people to be scathing in public about relatives, to talk openly about matters which most of us would deem private etc etc. And they also tend to have the highest levels of fucked-up-ness!! I’m generalising and projecting massively, but I’ve been surrounded by people who fit this description my whole life, I recognise what you describe. Another person might describe it as upper class vs middle class. Meh.

I’d do (and have done) exactly as you say. Raise an eyebrow in private, do what I deem to be the right thing, hold no grudges and let everyone get on with their lives. They’re different, that’s all. Not to your taste. Perfectly fine when you do meet them, but that’s it.

It’s a crying shame for your DH though, if he feels he’s lost a brother to this world. Marriage and the partners we choose can sometimes represent a real fork in the road.

As impossible as it is for this to not feel very personal, OP, I don't think it is. If her side of the family was less complicated and all the people were nicer, do you still think she wouldn't invite you? It seems to be entirely about trying to get control over the invitations to her side of the family rather than arbitrarily cutting you out because she doesn't see you as family or value your relationship with your DH.

Given everyone is now fighting, she's pregnant and probably quite stressed, the kind thing to do would be to persuade everyone to stop being so angry on your behalf and to get in touch with her to reassure her that you understand that her not inviting you is about the numbers, and to reinforce that you look forward to having her as a SIL. This will blow over eventually and many years down the line, people will remember how you handled this with grace and how you're the most reasonable/sane one in the family.

Plumsofwrath has completely got it!

This is not going to end well for your BIL.

Hats off to your DH.

I don’t really see what is wrong with this tbh. You say that you only see her a few times a year, she obviously likes you as you like her. But you are not close. Why should she have you when it would mean that a really close friend would not be able to go? As I get older I do more things that please me as opposed to doing what others think are ‘right’, maybe she is at that stage?

This is not going to end well for your BIL

Depends how arsey people end up being. 'People' being those NOT getting married.

@candyflip but it isn't about OP's relationship with STBSIL it is about her DH and his brother. OP is groom's side and it is the BIL that needs to explain why he isn't inviting his brother's wife given that he is an uncle and sees them regularly over many years.

I get that it is a bit of a kick in the teeth, but I do get why the sil is doing this. I could never have done this, but I fucking hate weddings so am not a very good person to weigh in anyway 😂

Future SIL isn't 'nice'. She's vile, selfish and completely lacking in class and manners. BIL is a gutless wonder for going along with it. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for them to do this.

If my sibling tried something so rude, I'd leave them in no doubt as to why I wouldn't be attending their wedding. I'd expect DH to do the same out of loyalty and common decency. Thankfully this wouldn't even arise as they're all decent people.

What a shit thing to do!
Still, it is their wedding- they can ask who they want.
But equally your DH may wish to refuse to go in these circumstances. I think that’s what we would do

It’s just so bizarre: a wedding which creates family through marriage, at which they specifically exclude family by marriage....

And it is THEIR wedding, not HER wedding. LOL at ‘classy’ being on a beach somewhere, a ‘destination wedding ‘.

LOL at Bluesmartiesarebrst “Tell your DH never mind you’ll go to BIL’s next wedding ”.

I think the underlying thing for me is that she clearly isn’t into BIL as much as he is into her. If she was she wouldn’t be wanting to cause a rift between him and his family. She’s not nice, she’s a bitch. No one no one does that if they care about the family they are marrying into. She’s shown she thinks she’s superior to you all. She’s made it very very clear.

Weddings send everyone bonkers. The rest of your experience of her is strongly positive. I'd let it go.

(Having said that, when she wants help with the baby, I'm sure one of those good friends can help out rather than you ...)

@Parkagirl you do realise the media are going to be all over this thread and your FSIL will be very recognisable to anybody who knows her or her family?

It's their wedding they should invite who they want. I think that she is not deliberately snubbing you but has her heart set on it being a particular way and had to make a tough decision (knowing some people would be unhappy) to achieve this.
They have been really kind to you both therefore I think you should both support them in this

Is hurtful ,,I can understand how you must feel. And to top it all off you will have to listen to 'wedding talk' from now on
Why dont you and DH and the kids go away for the weekend of the wedding,

I don't understand why people would take this personally when it isn't personal. And its just one day of the couple's life! Some of my friends are closer to me than some of my family ever have been or will be so I would priorotise them.

Yup, this is weird.

Is BIL not allowed a say in the guest list? Is he really willing to piss his own brother/family off that much? The marriage has car crash written all over it.

If this was my brother and my husband wasn't invited I'd be having a chat with my brother, not a shouting match but in a 'do you understand the ramifications of this?' way?

I wouldn't make a fuss and I would be fine with DH going.

But I would never forget. After this, BIL and SIL would no longer be held in the same regard as they previously were.

I would be polite and friendly but never go above and beyond for them. Any offers of help (car, financial) would be turned down on future.

So they are just inviting 'friends' and close 'family'? And you are neither?

It sounds like she is only getting married because BIL wants it done before the baby arrives. Doesn't sound like SIL2b is particularly bothered. And if her life will just continue in the same way, untouched by her new IL family's views, then you will have to get used to the fact that she is never going to be close to you, in your 1950s family. She is never going to be 'Aunty', 'Sister', 'daughter' to your family, nor you to hers.

It isn't your families fault that sil has a large family due to remarriage, the only fair thing is for bil and sil to have half the guest list each. Yes that may mean she cant invite all her step siblings but she tells her family that they could only invite x guests each.

IggyAce has the sensible solution. Your DH would be entirely justified in not going.

I would text her and say you don’t mind at all and wish her the best. It’s only a day, nothing to get too upset about x

Definitely don't text her. Or BIL. Dont make a fuss but don't make things too easy for both of them.