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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want an abortion? (Possible trigger?)

140 replies

missuspritch · 17/06/2018 18:06

Hi
Couldn’t find a thread I felt suitable for this so posted here.

Me and my Oh have been together for 10 years, we have a beautiful 2 year old little girl who was our surprise baby, but we welcomed with open arms. (Or so I thought)

Today however, I found out I am pregnant again.... unplanned, another surprise, but the reception is somewhat different.

My oh freaked out completely, saying that we shouldn’t keep them because we have a small amount of debt, only live in a 2 bed house and because a new baby will cause lack of sleep.

These were the reasons he gave me when I asked why he wouldn’t consider keeping them.

I honestly don’t think I could go through with an abortion, let alone live with myself afterwards, I know it is an option for many women and i am in no way judging anyone for their decisions I’m just saying I personally don’t think I would be strong evough to live with myself afterwards.

My OH is saying that he resented me last time for keeping our daughter and that was why we struggled lots in our relationship over the last 2 years. (Finally Just felt like we were back on track!!)

I however feel that we could tighten the belt a little to ensure we have everything we need before baby arrives, and find alternate cheaper ways of doing the things we need to do once baby is here. Maternity pay isn’t much different from my weekly wage now anyway and siblings share a room right? If we so happen to have a boy then we could easily put up a partition wall to separate their rooms but we wouldn’t have to worry about that for a few years yet anyway?

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sence, my head all over The place and I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what did you do? I’m scared, feel alone and feel pressured into having an abortion to save my relationship.... (even though I think it would contribute to me leaving him) if we keep the baby he said he would resent me more and we will more than likely end up in a similar position as last time but maybe not make it through again?

OP posts:
Postymalone · 17/06/2018 18:08

Keep the baby, dump the twat

ChiefSpoon · 17/06/2018 18:08

If you don't want an abortion don't have one.

ShovingLeopard · 17/06/2018 18:11

If you do not want an abortion, keep the baby. You would regret aborting a wanted baby more than you woukd regret losing a husband, especially for such a reason.

LilQueenie · 17/06/2018 18:11

Dump him and keep the baby. He only just told you he resented you for having his child! Grade A twat.

Jasmina456 · 17/06/2018 18:12

Keep the baby, lose the husband.

PopadomPointer · 17/06/2018 18:12

Yanbu

araiwa · 17/06/2018 18:12

Up to you

But hes not a twat for having an opinion you dont have to listen to

GreenTulips · 17/06/2018 18:12

God he's awful - why would you want him round kids? Tell him to move out.

ChodeofChodeHall · 17/06/2018 18:12

YANBU. You keep your baby if that is what you want to do. Good luck.

NoIWontDoWhatYouSay · 17/06/2018 18:14

It's your decision completely.

But you also can't make him want a baby.

Phillipa12 · 17/06/2018 18:14

If i had just been told that i was resented for having a child and that he would resent me more for having this one i would be getting rid of my partner. I seriously cant see a relationship lasting after that revelation!

NapQueen · 17/06/2018 18:15

You are the only person who should be deciding whether to continue the pregnancy. Dont put your body through something (anything! Pregnancy or abortion) you may regret. You could abort and he leaves you. You could keep the baby and he leaces you.

In your shoes feeling the way you do Id give him a choice. Stay and commit to the new baby without any resentment, or the door.

grounddown · 17/06/2018 18:16

This is exactly what happened to me 5 years ago.
I left, my 5 and 6 year old DC are fine and see their dad EOW.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 17/06/2018 18:17

You have to do what is best for you , not your relationship . Because if you feel pushed into an abortion you will resent him and it may not work between you. Likewise if he feels pushed into parenthood he may feel resentful. I've been there , I kept the baby In the end as i couldnt go through with an abortion . He fucked off almost immediately.

Badbadtromance · 17/06/2018 18:18

Keep your baby
You'll hate yourself if you abort

Original poster
missuspritch · 17/06/2018 18:18

Thanks for the responses guys!

Green tulips, he is a really really good dad, he’s absolutely fantastic with our daughter, and he is an excellent partner to me otherwise, he just doesn’t want this baby, apparently so much that he would see me go through something like this and then attempt to live with it for the rest of my life.... argh! 😩

OP posts:
thegreylady · 17/06/2018 18:18

Keep the baby. If you don’t want an abortion then that is your right to choose. That is exactly what pro-choice should mean, your body, your choice. If your husband can’t cope with that then he should have been using protection.

KneesupGaston · 17/06/2018 18:19

He only found out today - just give it time to settle before panicking.

Pengggwn · 17/06/2018 18:20

He is entitled to not want a second child. You are entitled to override him. He - obviously - doesn't have to stay, and you could of course choose to end the relationship based on his attitude. But you shouldn't ever feel you have to go along with an abortion you don't want.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2018 18:21

Keep the baby you want, see what happens to the relationship.
If you've now had two unplanned pregnancies and he's certain he doesn't want more, snip snip

wandaandthealien · 17/06/2018 18:24

I'd leave him, regardless as he sounds utterly awful. Why does he say he resents you? Unless you tricked him into a pregnancy then how can he possibly be resentful of a child he also created.

Your words are a little emotive though imo, its totally fine if you are anti-abortion and the choice should be 100% yours but for many women it isn't a case of "living with themselves" but just a choice they make as it isn't the right time or situation and can look back and realise it was the right choice for them.

Clubcuts · 17/06/2018 18:25

What were your plans? Was a second child discussed and or dismissed? Two contraceptive fails, what is he doing about that? Is he stepping up and taking any responsibility?

But even after all those are answered, it's your decision and as you say you can't live with terminating, then decision made!

He'll either leave or stay, but if he stays please sort out reliable contraception.

corcaithecat · 17/06/2018 18:26

I had an ex who blackmailed me into having an abortion. Said he was suicidal. I wish! He was actually having an affair that I didn't know about and the abortion is my biggest regret in life. SadAngry
Do what feels right for you, don't do it to please your partner or to try to keep him.

n0ne · 17/06/2018 18:31

If you have an abortion it'll be the end of your relationship anyway, as the resentment towards your DH will be impossible to live with. I'm totally pro-choice, but aborting a baby you actually want to keep will haunt you forever. It would me, anyway.

Blizzardagain · 17/06/2018 18:33

He is entitled to his opinion but it's not fair to try to make you feel like you have to do anything. Equally you're entitled to you opinion but you don't need to make him feel bad for having his.

I've been in your shoes except I was the one who didn't want the baby. After one unplanned pregnancy and two of the hardest years of my life, the thought of another baby and going through that hell all over again felt like the end of my world. But in this case, your OH can't make the decision, where as I could.

Hope you work it out OP