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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want an abortion? (Possible trigger?)

140 replies

missuspritch · 17/06/2018 18:06

Hi
Couldn’t find a thread I felt suitable for this so posted here.

Me and my Oh have been together for 10 years, we have a beautiful 2 year old little girl who was our surprise baby, but we welcomed with open arms. (Or so I thought)

Today however, I found out I am pregnant again.... unplanned, another surprise, but the reception is somewhat different.

My oh freaked out completely, saying that we shouldn’t keep them because we have a small amount of debt, only live in a 2 bed house and because a new baby will cause lack of sleep.

These were the reasons he gave me when I asked why he wouldn’t consider keeping them.

I honestly don’t think I could go through with an abortion, let alone live with myself afterwards, I know it is an option for many women and i am in no way judging anyone for their decisions I’m just saying I personally don’t think I would be strong evough to live with myself afterwards.

My OH is saying that he resented me last time for keeping our daughter and that was why we struggled lots in our relationship over the last 2 years. (Finally Just felt like we were back on track!!)

I however feel that we could tighten the belt a little to ensure we have everything we need before baby arrives, and find alternate cheaper ways of doing the things we need to do once baby is here. Maternity pay isn’t much different from my weekly wage now anyway and siblings share a room right? If we so happen to have a boy then we could easily put up a partition wall to separate their rooms but we wouldn’t have to worry about that for a few years yet anyway?

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sence, my head all over The place and I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what did you do? I’m scared, feel alone and feel pressured into having an abortion to save my relationship.... (even though I think it would contribute to me leaving him) if we keep the baby he said he would resent me more and we will more than likely end up in a similar position as last time but maybe not make it through again?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 18/06/2018 10:50

If he seriously didn't want another child ever he should have stepped up and had the snip, and yes, you can pay for it privately and it doesn't cost the Earth for a vasectomy.

Instead he expects you to have a medical procedure you don't want on your body.

No chance.

Don't fall for his tantrums and bullying.

Original poster

missuspritch · 18/06/2018 12:00

I think what’s getting to me most is that I told him a while ago that I wanted more and if he didn’t theh it was a deal breaker. We were splitting up at that point and I had been to to citizens advice and organised everything so that we could split. After 3 weeks of him acting like he is now, He changed dramatically and said we could have another but now he is acting like he didn’t ever want one. Why would he think it fair to lie to me if he never had that intention? I feel like he is trying to control me and losing so he’s just having a paddy.

He’s saying I’ve got what I wanted, and in a way I have but with the same respect I haven’t because I wanted to plan and try for a baby that we both wanted and look foward to it. That has not happened, instead history has repeated itself. I did in no way plan this or trick him into it.., I think he feels like I did. That hurts too because I didn’t! I wouldn’t do something like that to him, especially when I wanted to plan and have a baby we both wanted.

I have no doubt in my mind that I won’t be able to do this alone.... that doesn’t mean I want to, and it doesn’t mean I’m not scared and lonely right now coz I most certainly am.

He’s at work, DD at nursery and I’m basically sat at home stewing...

OP posts:

Shumpalumpa · 18/06/2018 12:10

You need to give him a deadline.

Don't go thru your pregnancy with this hanging over you.

RoadToRivendell · 18/06/2018 12:24

I had some sympathy for him until your later posts as well. He's not managing his anger well at all, it's rather worrying.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a diabolical situation, but I think you both need to accept some responsibility for being ten years in and not having had a clear understanding of what the other wants.

I realise that you had this conversation since your first child was born, but that's surely too late in the day because of the obvious implications a disagreement carries for your daughter.

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 12:27

So you said you wanted more children which nearly made you split, then he backtracked to try and save the relationship and said he would be up for it, and then before you know it you're pregnant despite being on the pill.

Sorry but it sounds a bit convenient. I actually feel sorry for this guy. He has a daughter and wants to be with you, he does want another kid but just not now, and instead of compromising and waiting a little further down the line for your relationship to get back on track and for you both to feel ready, you're going to impose this decision on him.

To PPs he doesnt want the snip because he does want more kids. Just not now. This is why abortions exist. To handle "accidents".

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 12:31

Yes of course he's angry. He's angry because you are giving him zero choice on a life changing decision that most couples take together. I would be fucking furious if I were a man and you werent even willing to take the time to reflect on this as a team.

Yeah alright its your body blah blah blah. It is your body, so have the baby. But while you can control your body you cant control another persons feelings.

LiteraryDevil1 · 18/06/2018 12:32

This is also why divorce exists: to handle selfish arseholes

Original poster

missuspritch · 18/06/2018 12:33

He is saying now that he doesn’t want more kids? Despite saying a few months ago that he did.

I’m not a lier and I didn’t trap him Into this... however convinent it may look to you... that is not what happened.

I wouldn’t expect him to get the snip if he didn’t want to... more kids or not... that’s his choice just like it is my choice to refuse to have an abortion.

OP posts:

Shumpalumpa · 18/06/2018 12:35

Yes, Tangled, you can't control another person's feelings, which is why OP has rightly told the cowardly cunt to leave if he doesn't want another baby.

Abortion is not a back-up for twats like this who expect the woman to bear all the responsibility of contraception and the trauma of an abortion that they do not want

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 12:36

Are you sure he didn't mean more kids....further down the line?

OK but I can understand where he got that idea from, you know? Just a few months ago he says OK to another kid and then suddenly BAM you're pregnant...

GreenTulips · 18/06/2018 12:37

Accidents doesn't automatically equal abortion.

Abortion isn't a form of family planning.

OP you seem to have your head screwed on to what you want.

Leave him to decide you've given him choice and options

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 12:37

@Shumpalumpa

A cowardly cunt? Because he doesnt want a second kid? Wow.

Elspeth12345 · 18/06/2018 12:39

Opting for an abortion that you don't want, for a child that you'd like to have, will almost definitely lead to years of regret.

Hopefully your DH will come round to the idea.

LiteraryDevil1 · 18/06/2018 12:39

Some people want to wait a while before dc2 and that's fine but what happens if I'm the intervening years something happens that makes that impossible? You never know what's around the corner so to me it's foolish to wAit. Your daughter is 2 so will be about 3 when your baby is born? Perfect gap in my opinion. If you do stay with him then he should definitely get the snip. Can't stand men who behave like this yet take no steps to ensure pregnancy doesn't occur. There's always a chance it will fail but that's the risk of having sex. He needs to grow up.

Tangled59 · 18/06/2018 12:39

@Shumpalumpa
Do you think women who dont feel ready for a child and have abortions are cowardly cunts too? Is that what you're saying? Or is it just men, for some reason?

LiteraryDevil1 · 18/06/2018 12:41

@Tangled59 seems like you're projecting a lot of your own angst onto OP's thread. I doubt it's helping here.

pineapplez · 18/06/2018 12:43

@Tangled59 are you the OPs DP? Because you're certainly on the defensive and trying to come up with excuses to everything the op has said about him.

Blizzardagain · 18/06/2018 12:45

Did you plan the pregnancy op?

RoadToRivendell · 18/06/2018 12:52

Abortion is not a back-up for twats like this who expect the woman to bear all the responsibility of contraception and the trauma of an abortion that they do not want

Here's where the philosophical divide lies, really.

I have sympathy for a man who finds himself in the position of an unwanted pregnancy because most people in a long-term relationship do not rely upon condoms as BC and only women have the option for long-term reversible BC at this point.

I've been in the reverse position, where my husband wanted a baby and I did not, and I felt as though I could not breathe just for thinking of the prospect. And, I should say, my husband and I agreed that we wanted four children (I could weep for my naivety) before we got married. I got an abortion, he got over it.

It's not nearly as cut and dry as you suggest.

MyOtherProfile · 18/06/2018 12:55

Blizzardagain OP has clearly stated she didn't plan this pregnancy more than once.

maymai · 18/06/2018 13:09

If he definitely didn't want another he could have worn a condom. Especially after conceiving how you did last time. He knew the risks.

Shumpalumpa · 18/06/2018 13:13

Do you think women who dont feel ready for a child and have abortions are cowardly cunts too?

He's a cowardly cunt because

he is telling OP now that their baby is TWO YEARS old that he resented her last time she kept the baby.

He then told OP that he will have another child with her

He has not bothered taking on responsibility for contraception, even though HE KNEW that the pill failed for them last time and yet feels justified in making use abortion as contraception

he is implying to OP that she deliberately didn't take the pill and yet FAILED to take responsibility for contraception after the last time OP became pregnant on the pill.

He is making the OP feel pressured into having an abortion

And no, none of the above has anything to do with women who choose to have an abortion so stop trying to make it about pro-life.

Karigan198 · 18/06/2018 13:16

You shouldn’t get an abortion if you don’t want one. However take the time to think through and be certain what you want before making ultimatums or taking decisions. Perhaps ask for a counselling session through one of the pregnancy advisory services so you can chat about it with an independent person even.

Sausagerollers · 18/06/2018 13:24

@Shumpalumpa is completely right.
He did not need to have the snip, but he very easily could have worn a condom and pulled out to prevent pregnancy, but he chose not to.
He knew the pill had been unreliable in the past, but chose not to do anything about contraception despite not wanting another child. That was his decision.
He is now saying that the OP is a liar and tricked him when it was HIS CHOICE to risk pregnancy.
When will men ever learn that if THEY don't want another baby then THEY have to ensure it doesn happen.

Topseyt · 18/06/2018 15:44

Blizzard, read the OP's posts.

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