Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Aibu to not want an abortion? (Possible trigger?)

140 replies

missuspritch · 17/06/2018 18:06

Hi
Couldn’t find a thread I felt suitable for this so posted here.

Me and my Oh have been together for 10 years, we have a beautiful 2 year old little girl who was our surprise baby, but we welcomed with open arms. (Or so I thought)

Today however, I found out I am pregnant again.... unplanned, another surprise, but the reception is somewhat different.

My oh freaked out completely, saying that we shouldn’t keep them because we have a small amount of debt, only live in a 2 bed house and because a new baby will cause lack of sleep.

These were the reasons he gave me when I asked why he wouldn’t consider keeping them.

I honestly don’t think I could go through with an abortion, let alone live with myself afterwards, I know it is an option for many women and i am in no way judging anyone for their decisions I’m just saying I personally don’t think I would be strong evough to live with myself afterwards.

My OH is saying that he resented me last time for keeping our daughter and that was why we struggled lots in our relationship over the last 2 years. (Finally Just felt like we were back on track!!)

I however feel that we could tighten the belt a little to ensure we have everything we need before baby arrives, and find alternate cheaper ways of doing the things we need to do once baby is here. Maternity pay isn’t much different from my weekly wage now anyway and siblings share a room right? If we so happen to have a boy then we could easily put up a partition wall to separate their rooms but we wouldn’t have to worry about that for a few years yet anyway?

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sence, my head all over The place and I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what did you do? I’m scared, feel alone and feel pressured into having an abortion to save my relationship.... (even though I think it would contribute to me leaving him) if we keep the baby he said he would resent me more and we will more than likely end up in a similar position as last time but maybe not make it through again?

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 17/06/2018 18:34

Has he expressed during relationship that he never wanted children?

kaytee87 · 17/06/2018 18:40

Don't have an abortion if you don't want one. Don't be pushed into it.
Do get better birth control though.
Can I ask why you're DH didn't get the snip if he's so adamant he didn't want children?

Orangecake123 · 17/06/2018 18:40

Keep your baby, but consider if you still want to be with someone who resents you.

kaytee87 · 17/06/2018 18:41

Your*

shiklah · 17/06/2018 18:44

OP, he is NOT a good father. Read your own post! He resents you for keeping the child he is a good father too? WTF? That is terrible, just terrible.

He is entitled to his opinion but it is your body and your choice.

I would sit him down and say
"I have heard your opinion and know where you stand but I am having the baby and am pleased about it. You can change your view and be a supportive father to both our children, and if you do this you can never again say which disgusting things about either of our children our we can separate and you can waive your access to the children if you choses, but you will by law financially support us"

Then walk away and leave him to make a decision.

You are in charge here and he is behaving appallingly saying those things about your 2 year old - its terrible and he needs to sort himself out.

kikashi · 17/06/2018 18:44

You clearly want the baby - so keep it. Your relationship is rocky anyway and your partner resents you. Be prepared that this might tip him into leaving.

shiklah · 17/06/2018 18:45

And yes as PP say - why hasn't he had a vasectomy if he didn't want children. Selfish twat.

pineapple22 · 17/06/2018 18:45

It's your decision. You have to live with yourself but you don't have to live with him. Do whatever will make you happiest.

pennylulu · 17/06/2018 18:46

He said he resented you for keeping your precious child.

What a cunt.

Delete him.

And have your second baby.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/06/2018 18:47

It sounds to me as if OH is trying to be honest about how he feels. Sure he may not have used the best words, but he'd just had some fairly major news to digest.

So I think some of the replies here are very harsh.

That said,he's said he doesn't want another child, an opinion he is perfectly entitled to. Of course he might change his mind once the news has settled. Otherwise OP has 2 choices

have an abortion and stay with him OR
have the child and accept that her marriage breaks up

Horrible horrible situation with really no good answer.

adayatthebeach · 17/06/2018 18:50

Don’t choose to do something you know you will regret so strongly.

outofmydepth45 · 17/06/2018 18:52

Keep the baby ditch DP.

His reasons are shit, my exdp pushed me to have an abortion 'the time wasn't right' turned out he was seeing someone else.

coronalover · 17/06/2018 18:56

As NapQueen put it

In your shoes feeling the way you do Id give him a choice. Stay and commit to the new baby without any resentment, or the door.

placemats · 17/06/2018 18:56

You are counselled pre abortion and asked several times if you are being pressurised into having the procedure. I'm not sure how good you are at lying but you do need to consider this.

As other posters have said, if you don't want an abortion then don't have one.

If your partner doesn't want to have any more children he should have the snip and deposit his sperm beforehand. It's his choice to be fertile. Fertility does have consequences.

Original poster

missuspritch · 17/06/2018 18:56

We discussed a 2nd baby just under a year ago, and I said I wanted another with him... if he didn’t want one with me then I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue the relationship because I didn’t want to get to menopause and regret not leaving him when I had the chance. He fought for us and stayed, saying he would consider a 2nd when the time was right. Things started to look up and our relationship improved.

I was on the pill 1st time and was this time too... guess he either has super swimmers or I’m just part of the 0.1%

Sorry for my bad choice of words in my op, I was typing quickly but was trying to be aware that others might be upset by my post, 💕

OP posts:

theymademejoin · 17/06/2018 18:56

@wandaandthealien - Your words are a little emotive though imo, its totally fine if you are anti-abortion and the choice should be 100% yours but for many women it isn't a case of "living with themselves" but just a choice they make as it isn't the right time or situation and can look back and realise it was the right choice for them.

The op's words are perfectly reasonable. She said she didn't think she could live with herself afterwards. That implies no judgement on others but is simply the way she feels.

OP - women who struggle to come to terms with an abortion or who suffer emotionally or go on to develop mental health problems as a result of an abortion tend to be those who were pushed into an abortion and did not make a considered choice based on what was best for them. If you feel this way, you are likely to regret the abortion. If you do, your relationship is unlikely to survive anyway as you will resent your oh for pushing you into an abortion.

Your oh is perfectly entitled not to want another child. However, he is not entitled to insist you have an abortion. Do what is right for you. If the relationship survives, great. If not, having an abortion would more than likely not have saved it anyway.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 17/06/2018 18:57

He's been very honest, that doesn't make him a bad guy but a truthful one. However he should have had the snip rather than put faith in contraception again.

You both have opposing opinions on this but you hold all the cards. That must be frightening for him as he has no say. He either walks away from his daughter or he stays for her and accepts that you didn't take his feelings into account at all. That sort of relationship never lasts and makes for two unhappy adults.

You need to choose as the decision lies with you and you alone. The impacts on the others will likely be horrific either way. Can you afford to support two children alone?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 17/06/2018 19:02

My second baby was a surprise, I have one girl and one boy and live in a 2 bed flat. They're now 9 and 10 years old and we've managed fine since 2009 in a 2 bed.

Only now am I looking to move to a 3 bed as my daughter is developing and needs privacy.

You have to do what you can live with here.

My exh was incredibly selfish and the second child did put pressure on our marriage. We did end up separating but I think that would have happened anyway and I don't regret my second child. My two are thick as thieves and I love hearing them laugh together.

Do what feels right for you.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/06/2018 19:03

Have I read this right?
You have been together for 10 years, have a child already, finances aren't a big issue ( in that you are adequately housed and will be able to afford to live) and now he wants you to have an abortion so that he doesn't have to experience sleepless nights again?
I think he is being totally unreasonable, that's such a trivial reason to have an abortion. I'm not surprised that you can't bring yourself to go through with it.
Abortion is not an alternative to birth control, it's such a major decision to have to take, I don't why men think that that just because you can, it doesn't mean you should.
If he was that bothered he could have taken steps to ensure that you getting pregnant couldn't happen. He sounds really selfish.
However, as RedSky said, it's early days, he's digesting the news and hopefully will regret the awful things he said.
But he can hardly be surprised or shocked when it's already happened once before.
I think I might have to boot him out if I was in your shoes. You must be feeling so hurt.

Topseyt · 17/06/2018 19:04

He is entitled to his feelings, but he isn't entitled to try and blackmail you into an abortion.

It is your choice whether or not you proceed with the pregnancy. Your choice too whether or not to remain with the man who apparently resents your two year old for being born, and has said that he will resent you and this unborn baby further if you don't abort.

In your shoes I think I would continue and have the baby. You would regret it forever if you don't, and it will be you resenting your OH then.

He doesn't sound like a great Dad. Good Dads do not resent their children.

Tangled59 · 17/06/2018 19:04

Oh for ffs, he's hardly a twat for saying he personally would have preferred not to have any kids at this stage, is he?

If you've only just managed to smooth your relationship over, then keep the baby if you like, but it doesnt sound promising with respect to yout relationship.

I think his reasons for not wanting to keep it are valid, but YANBU to want to have it either.

Tangled59 · 17/06/2018 19:06

And fwiw I dont think you should just keep a baby because its what you want if you intend your relationship to last forever.

You're supposed to be a couple and making decisions based on whats right for you both.

Chattymummyhere · 17/06/2018 19:08

It’s 100% up to you what you do. Eaither way it sounds like this relationship will end, you resenting him for an abortion or him resenting you for keeping a child he doesn’t want. Best of luck op.

Griefbacon · 17/06/2018 19:09

You can’t make him want the baby but if tut have it and he stays he needs to do so without resentment as has been said. Do you think he thinks you skipped a pill or have tried to trick him?

kaytee87 · 17/06/2018 19:09

Oh for ffs, he's hardly a twat for saying he personally would have preferred not to have any kids at this stage, is he?

No, but he is a twat if he hasn't taken charge of contraception in that case.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread