Aibu to not want an abortion? (Possible trigger?)

[missuspritch]

Hi
Couldn’t find a thread I felt suitable for this so posted here.

Me and my Oh have been together for 10 years, we have a beautiful 2 year old little girl who was our surprise baby, but we welcomed with open arms. (Or so I thought)

Today however, I found out I am pregnant again.... unplanned, another surprise, but the reception is somewhat different.

My oh freaked out completely, saying that we shouldn’t keep them because we have a small amount of debt, only live in a 2 bed house and because a new baby will cause lack of sleep.

These were the reasons he gave me when I asked why he wouldn’t consider keeping them.

I honestly don’t think I could go through with an abortion, let alone live with myself afterwards, I know it is an option for many women and i am in no way judging anyone for their decisions I’m just saying I personally don’t think I would be strong evough to live with myself afterwards.

My OH is saying that he resented me last time for keeping our daughter and that was why we struggled lots in our relationship over the last 2 years. (Finally Just felt like we were back on track!!)

I however feel that we could tighten the belt a little to ensure we have everything we need before baby arrives, and find alternate cheaper ways of doing the things we need to do once baby is here. Maternity pay isn’t much different from my weekly wage now anyway and siblings share a room right? If we so happen to have a boy then we could easily put up a partition wall to separate their rooms but we wouldn’t have to worry about that for a few years yet anyway?

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sence, my head all over The place and I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what did you do? I’m scared, feel alone and feel pressured into having an abortion to save my relationship.... (even though I think it would contribute to me leaving him) if we keep the baby he said he would resent me more and we will more than likely end up in a similar position as last time but maybe not make it through again?

From your follow up post it's clear that you want this baby so I don't think you should really contemplate having an abortion.

So where does that leave your relationship if you have decided to keep the baby? Essentially in a way it seems like this second unplanned pregnancy has forced the issue of a second DC and your DH's reaction could be because they are in shock or it could reflect the fact that despite his assurances, he really had no intention of following through on his pledge to have a sibling for your existing DC. I wouldn't be surprised given the fact you have previously disagreed strongly on this issue, that he is suspicious about the contraception failure and he may feel manipulated into this situation, especially as this is the second time it's happened? If this is the case, it could explain some of his anger and resentment. Obviously he could have stepped up contraception wise but two contraception failures so close together is a bit of a shock when like you say the odds are pretty small.

Mine did this. I kept the baby. Hes now 2. Your body.

It is simple ypu dont want an abortion so don't have one. If you were unsure then his imput would help, but you are not.

Your dp sounds like a prize twat. He should support your decision it is your body.

I’m really hoping he comes round to the idea because he did say we could have another when the time was right... I know it’s probably not the best of times but is there really a perfect time to have a baby??

Don’tstep, thank you for your input because i had been debating on an appropriate age to split the bedroom and I think what you have done is spot on... we got years to worry about that one!

Thank you everyone for your messages I’m feeling tonnes better about the situation and It’s so much easier to clear your head when you can just get it out there... thank you mumsnet xx

Bumpitybumper, I honestly can’t believe it happened to me twice!! And although I noticed the early changes in my body last week and suspected I was just as shocked as he was when we looked at the test! I can see how that might look to him though, and isn’t something I had considered so thank you x

Urgh, I can see you’ve tried your very best to look past your H’s obvious shortcomings but come on OP! Not only doesn’t he want children, he also doesn’t want the responsibility of not having them either, he’s a hypocrite and coward.

Where do you go from here, firstly, by accept that this is who he is and the ‘let’s revisit this later’ bullshit that you fell for earlier says all you need to know about his blatant self interest. Yes he’s been duplicitous but you also have to take responsibility for keeping your, ‘if it wasn’t for this just one thing, we would have a perfect relationship’ blinkers on.

You can’t control his behaviour and you can’t make him want this child, which makes the choice simple, not easy by any means but simple. Do you you want this baby? If you do, then you have to prepare for being a single parent or most likely (given his lazy cowardice), him using your pregnancy as stick to beat you with when he sees fit.

There’s a stark difference between the man you want him to be and the man he is and you can keep the blinkers on but that won’t change him, it only changes the compromised way you choose to see him.

There will be lots more room in the house without your DP, get rid. Congratulations

Reading your posts . You will have no way back in your relationship if you have an abortion .

I think the ball is in his court how he wants to respond to you having a baby . If he can’t support you that is relationship over too.

The time may not be "right" but it has come! From what you say, you would regret having an abortion, and as everyone is saying, it's your body so you get to decide. You didn't get pregnant on your own... so he needs to man up and take responsibility here. Do not let him pressure you into something you don't want to do.

if yo have abortion and u end up leaving.
or you have child and it splits you.
well either way you might split? keep the baby.it will at least mean you've made the decision you wanted and could live with yourself.
sounds like you want this child hun.that means youll make it work.
and I promise even if you end up apart.(horrid horrid to think of sorry I know that) then youd still cope.if you want this baby youd make it ok.
whereas getting rid of then splitting anyway because of this will send you into such a spiral of despair and youll still be without him.
do you think once the shock give off he will be calmer enough to be ok with it.
emotions are high right now.
keep talking calmly.keep talking openly.dont do anything you don't want to though.not when it comes to children and their lives and ur own.its too big.

Pps saying the ops "D"H isn't a twat... Really?

She says in her op that he actually only just told her that he resented her for having their DD and blames the relationship issues on that! And by the sounds of it he never mentioned a word of this before. Who does that?
And since the updates it seems he fed the op some bullshit "when the time is right" spiel to keep her strung along with no intention of ever having any more DCs with her even though she clearly expressed to him that this was a potential deal breaker.
And now that the OP is pregnant he's nit picking, putting the pressure on her and trying to get her to have an abortion she does not want.

I would say that is 100% twat territory.

I would have an open and frank discussion with him op, and by the sounds of it you want this baby so I would not have an abortion in your shoes. The decision is 100% yours and please do not ever let him influence you on that.
But be prepared to have this baby on your own shall you choose to keep it.

glad you feel better op.dont stop talking to us if you need to.its horrible to have problems swirlying round in ur own head.feeling scared and anxious and uncertain is horribly lonely.your not alone.and the fears and stories your building in your ehad as u worry might not even come true yet.so keep talking it through to keep rational head on things.youll be ok.you will you will.xx

Don't have an abortion if you don't want one but be sure that the kind of life you will be offering both children is worth it? As for your OH it isn't fair for him to demand you have an abortion but it is also unfair to expect him to be a father to a child he really doesn't want. Be prepared for the eventuality that he may leave or that he may hate you for it. The choice is yours but make sure that, whatever it is, you walk into it with open eyes.

I think you need to start planning for single-parenthood. Look around at what sources of support are available to you and what you can do to make things easier for yourself. Do you have family who will help you and given emotional if not practical support?

Keep the baby. Lose the absolute twat of the husband. There's not love greater than that between mother and child. LTB.

@DontstepontheMomeRaths
My second baby was a surprise, I have one girl and one boy and live in a 2 bed flat. They're now 9 and 10 years old and we've managed fine since 2009 in a 2 bed.

Only now am I looking to move to a 3 bed as my daughter is developing and needs privacy.

High five Mome. It's not often I 'meet' someone on here or in RL in a similar situation to me. Boy and girl, 9 & 10 in a 2 bedroomed flat their whole childhood so far. Through necessity, not choice, of course we'd like more space except we added DC3 18 months ago too so its absolute chaos.

OP, I wish you all the best your husband sounds like a twat.

Did he actually resent you, or did he resent the changes the baby has brought? In terms of lack of sleep and pressure on the relationship? Was he just emitting a stream of consciousness without thinking of how you would feel about it?

As the parent of two contraceptive failures, my DH has not reacted well on either occasion. The first time he asked what we should do, and suggested termination as an option, which I refused and mentally prepared to bring up my child alone. I struggled for years with him even thinking it had been an option. When I eventually asked him about it, he was very clear that he had been scared, didn't feel ready for parenthood, didn't think before speaking. That it was the theoretical idea of having a child that scared him.

Second time around, when I realised I was late, I warned him first, gave him time to go for a walk and a think before I even did the test, although I was sure it was going to be positive. He couldn't bring himself to be excited or happy, but at least he stopped himself saying anything overtly damaging.

People do say stupid, thoughtless things when they are shocked. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. But having a termination off the back of one conversation probably would be.

Talking it through face to face and if you cannot come to a consensus then you have to decide what's right for your body and mind for yourself.

What did you two agree about children before you got married?

How old are you?

I think it's pretty shite that he told you he might consider a second when 'the time was right', but I don't understand how two people who have such fundamentally divergent views on children wound up together - hence, my first question.

I think you need to prepare for single parenthood, which is going to be difficult.

But crucially, he's only had a day to absorb this. Give him time.

Hes not a twat for saying how he feels. But you have every right to have the baby if you decide to. Doecnt matter what he thinks: your body your choice. But you might not have him around to do that with. He might change his mind or not. But
Abortions arent something horrendously traumatising you hsve to live with forever. Its not fun and but wont scar you for life either. I had one. I feel fine about it.

Get rid of him and keep the baby. Just tell him, 'NO. I don't want an abortion. I will not be having an abortion. Ever. Nothing will change my mind. End of discussion.'

Delph It's a child, they're not discussing if he wants to up the weekly food shop budget.

You seem to not be able to comprehend that a child is a huge deal. He's entitled to not want another one.

He does sound like a bit of an arse for saying he resents you though OP. Why would you want a second child with him in that circumstance? You could keep the baby and leave him.

Can I just say that in 2016 I was unexpectedly pregnant. I was actually horrified myself but my dh first words were Well we can't have it can we? It hurt very much but it made my mind up there and then that I would not abort the baby. How later that night my dh cried and held me and told me he'd never want to abort our child, it was the shock that made him react like that. It pulled us together and we did it. We do not regret the decision to keep her. Our situation was we already had two little ones and only one income, so financially stretched.
Give him a bit of time to let it sink in.

I had 2 planned children and found myself pregnant with a third. My husband did not want a third. He was certain. I cried, I feared what would happen and I couldn't look at my children knowing there should be a third for the rest of my life. A lot of conversations and hubby said if I had an abortion I would resent him and we'd never get through it. However, once the baby was here he knew he would love it like the others. Pregnancy was tough but once number 3 was here everything slotted into space. Maybe give him some time and he will come round. It's a shock for both

He's entitled not to want another child, but then he needs to make sure that his longterm partner doesn't get pregnant. He's entitled to say he would prefer for the pregnancy not to go ahead, but not to try to emotionally blackmail poor OP into having an abortion when she clearly doesn't want one.He's not entitled to resent her because she went ahead with a pregnancy he helped create.
And Whattodo there's no need for you to be nasty. Obviously having a child is big deal, that's what this thread is about, no?