Aibu to not want an abortion? (Possible trigger?)

[missuspritch]

Hi
Couldn’t find a thread I felt suitable for this so posted here.

Me and my Oh have been together for 10 years, we have a beautiful 2 year old little girl who was our surprise baby, but we welcomed with open arms. (Or so I thought)

Today however, I found out I am pregnant again.... unplanned, another surprise, but the reception is somewhat different.

My oh freaked out completely, saying that we shouldn’t keep them because we have a small amount of debt, only live in a 2 bed house and because a new baby will cause lack of sleep.

These were the reasons he gave me when I asked why he wouldn’t consider keeping them.

I honestly don’t think I could go through with an abortion, let alone live with myself afterwards, I know it is an option for many women and i am in no way judging anyone for their decisions I’m just saying I personally don’t think I would be strong evough to live with myself afterwards.

My OH is saying that he resented me last time for keeping our daughter and that was why we struggled lots in our relationship over the last 2 years. (Finally Just felt like we were back on track!!)

I however feel that we could tighten the belt a little to ensure we have everything we need before baby arrives, and find alternate cheaper ways of doing the things we need to do once baby is here. Maternity pay isn’t much different from my weekly wage now anyway and siblings share a room right? If we so happen to have a boy then we could easily put up a partition wall to separate their rooms but we wouldn’t have to worry about that for a few years yet anyway?

Sorry if this doesn’t make much sence, my head all over The place and I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what did you do? I’m scared, feel alone and feel pressured into having an abortion to save my relationship.... (even though I think it would contribute to me leaving him) if we keep the baby he said he would resent me more and we will more than likely end up in a similar position as last time but maybe not make it through again?

Update, I spoke to him last night and told him he could leave me if he wanted but that I was keeping the baby. He asked me what sort of man that made him, and asked me if I thought he could leave his family and never see his kids?.... I don’t understand how he can be worried about not seeing his kids,... emphasis of the plural,,. But ask me to have an abortion? Doesn’t make sence? I told him if it made it easier on him he could tell people I kicked him out. Mainly because I felt like that gave him a 2nd option. He’s ignoring me now and told me he will tell me my answer when he knows it. Even though 2 hours after we did the test he was yelling at me and banging around (not violently just loudly doing things in anger) and when I asked him to stop he freaked out saying he needed an answer now.... maybe I should do the same to him? I can’t help but feel like he is totally childish right now....

But I am keeping my baby, and I can manage by myself. I’ll have to. I love this little teeny baby already and will do anything to ensure they have a happy life. Both children will see their dads, like he requested.

To try and answer some of the questions, I am late 20s he is early 30s we never discussed children before our DD came along, not as in considering us having children together, but he did know that I wanted them one day with the right person. I’ve been with him 10 years, I do want his baby, I love him and care for him....

He doesn’t come out of this at all well. Best assume you will be a single parent and plan accordingly.

You say you’ve had relationship problems since DC1 was born.

He only alleged that he resented you for having DC1 when you became pregnant with DC2?

Your body, your choice. Do not be pressured into a decision by another person.

I call bullshit he resented so much. If he felt that strongly he should have had the snip to ensure no more accidents.

Yes loopy tiles, exactly that! We had relationship issues since I found out I was pregnant with DC1 but they got better over time to the point he said he loves me wouldn’t leave me and we could consider another when the time was right. Now that I’m pregnant again he’s kicking off.

Following from what I said earlier, he’s thinking about leaving me because I’m pregnant, but he hasn’t made his mind up yet.... am I unfair for thinking if he really loved me that he would know his answer already? X

am I unfair for thinking if he really loved me that he would know his answer already

It's not as simple as that when children are involved, he also has to walk away from his existing child.

He needs to book the snip and fast. He's likely wondering if your desire for more led to this given you have now had two pregnancies whilst being responsible for contraception.

I don't think he's being childish though, he's reacting to a situation that's beyond his control and the reality is you have what you wanted whilst he has no say whatsoever. He was stupid to not have used condoms and likely regretting that decision too.

Do you really want him to stay knowing how unhappy he is? Love doesn't conquer all.

Update, I spoke to him last night and told him he could leave me if he wanted but that I was keeping the baby. He asked me what sort of man that made him, and asked me if I thought he could leave his family and never see his kids?.... I don’t understand how he can be worried about not seeing his kids,... emphasis of the plural,,. But ask me to have an abortion? Doesn’t make sence?

Yes he wants to appear like he's a good person, he's relying on you not telling people that he blackmailed you into having an abortion.

I wonder how happy he'd be with you openly telling people that your pregnant and that he doesn't want it and is threatening leaving you if you keep it.

I bet he wouldn't be so happy with others knowing? He's relying on you to keep this all quiet and act like normal whilst inside you would be broken.

He's bullying you! If he feels so strongly he'd be open to everyone, but I bet he wouldn't tell others the truth?

Also I think considering the second child sometime was just keeping you hanging on and his intention was the tone would never arrive. I mean we normally have a sort of plan for the next one? Albeit like this it doesn't go to plan sometimes but hey we always wanted a second and should be excited that it's on its way? Nah, in his mind he was never having a second!

Although I cannot believe that children were not discussed pre marriage!?!

Let him have his tantrum, maybe he will come round to supporting you in your decision. If not you will be better alone.
Perhaps he will work through his anger, which should not be taken out on you. He needs counselling.
What better time could there be in terms of your daughters age? He's v selfish, but may yet come good. Don't tolerate this abuse for long op, you deserve better.

You can take back some control here by ending the relationship, and agreeing on sensible, practical arrangements to coparent your toddler while you BOTH consider your option as regards the relationship. The options as regards your pregancy are solely for you to consider and you’ve already decided.

I’m guessing that the almost 3 years of relationship issues were largely due to his behaviour.

OP hasn’t said she’s married.

Why is he saying "leave and never see my kids" - does he not fancy doing the 50/50 thing then?

Terminate him instead!

YANBU, agreed with pp’s on keeping the baby and ditching him. He’s entitled to his opinion but that is all it is. If he was adamant he didn’t want any more children, he should’ve got the snip.

I couldn't either. Nor could I live with such a selfish bastard. No wonder your relationship has been poor for the past 2 years. Get rid of him and keep your baby. I had my third as a single mum as his dad didn't want him. Don't regret it for one second. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Having an abortion didn't even enter my head but it entered his dad's.

Sorry OP but it sounds to me like the only reason he’s contemplating staying is because of how it would look to other people if he left, rather than out of any interest in or commitment to you and the children. What sort of man does it make him to force or guilt his partner into an abortion they don’t want? To be honest, it sounds like you and your children will be better off without him around to hold this decision over you and use it as an excuse for his poor behaviour if he stays.

I don't understand how men who don't want kids should have the snip, but women who have unwanted pregnancies shouldn't be judged for their choices.

Why don't women have to try harder to avoid pregnancy?

What @Loopytiles says

You can take back some control here by ending the relationship, and agreeing on sensible, practical arrangements to coparent your toddler while you BOTH consider your option as regards the relationship. The options as regards your pregancy are solely for you to consider and you’ve already decided.

Why is HE deciding, you tell him what you want!

@MorrisZapp but this women wanted more children! So she had a not non reversible contraception in place. He seems to think an additional child is going to be the end of his relationship, really doesn't want it and wants to coerce his partner into an abortion against her wishes. He was doing nothing to avoid a further child being conceived and is now kicking off because the measures his partner took failed. So maybe he should try taking some responsibility??

I’dmlet Him get used to the idea - he said some cruel things to you but perhaps it was the shock.
If you don’t want an abortion and want to keep the baby then keep the baby, it’s really up to you regardless of his feelings. He helped make this one too, it’s not like you ran off and did it yourself somehow. He’ll get a grip on himself and quite frankly if he doesn’t you will be better off without him long term.

Is there anyone he can talk things through with? Maybe he just needs reassuring that life goes on fine with 2 children?

Imagine he's a good guy for a minute. The first pregnancy was an accident but OP wanted the baby so the DP steps up and is supportive and they have the baby. They struggle financially and he finds that the pressure of looking a baby along with lack of money is not at all fun so he tells the OP he would prefer to wait a good while before they consider having another child. His options to ensure there's no more accidental pregnancies come down to either condoms or relying on the OP's contraception - the pill - which usually has a fairly low failure rate. He can't get the snip because he's said he would consider another child in the future.

They manage to clear their debts and the first DD is getting a little older, they're getting their lives back etc, and then OP falls pregnant again. He's about to become a father for the second time and remember we're assuming he's a good guy so he's considering his options. He wishes this has never happened, he looks back to the stress of the early days with DD1 and it sounds like he was an involved dad first time round so he sees himself taking on some of the care again and he just doesn't want to. So he would much prefer if the OP would have an abortion and he's said that, he's shared a few home truths about the resentment he felt the first time round (not that much of a surprise as we know he didn't want another child soon) but after acting out for a bit he's now trying to decide whether to stay or go. He's miserable because he knows that whatever he does, they're going to be poorer and under more pressure again, and he probably realises that if he stays that will be easier in terms of money and sharing care of the kids, but he's wondering whether he can make a go of it, whether his resentment at being made to be a father for the second time when he doesn't want to will sour their relationship beyond repair. And all through this, yes, he is thinking about being able to see his kids regularly and be a part of their lives - not for his own sake but for theirs, because he is a responsible person who doesn't want his children to grow up without their father.

It's just an alternative perspective OP, you know him best. One thing I would say on the other hand - his hanging around and shouting, if that's part of a pattern, and if your stuff and not his is the stuff that gets damaged, then that's a guy that's giving himself leave to go out of control, he's not actually out of control at all IYSWIM. But otherwise I think you can read his motives as being basically good. When I had my twins I was convinced in my bones, in a way I've never been sure of anything else, that I didn't want more kids. I found out my limits and turns out that probably one kid was more than enough for me at least in the early days. Doesn't in the slightest interfere with my ability to care for my kids. You don't have to love parenting to love and care for your kids.

Why are you letting him dangle it over you like that op?

If you really just want him to make the decision (and I would seriously be considering taking matters into my own hands and ending it myself at this point considering he has shown no remorse or actual concern for you or the baby its all "me me me") why don't you at least give him a firm deadline let's say you want an answer by Friday and that's it.
Otherwise I can't help but feel he will drag things on "need more time" and you will be in limbo for weeks or months whilst he potentially changes his mind every 2 seconds dangling that ounce of power over you.
If Friday rolls around and he "needs more time" to think about it I would tell him to pack and do his thinking elsewhere as you can't be in such a stressful and uncertain situation and have to look after yourself now.
And I would be making sure to not do any cooking, cleaning or laundry for him.
He is currently strolling around basically telling you he's having a think wether to leave you or not and you're supposed to sit and patiently wait for his answer. It makes my blood boil for you OP.

I did have some sympathy for him until you said he was yelling and banging around now you have said you are keeping the baby. I was also thinking maybe he just freaked out because things were difficult last time and he is scared of it being the same again. However, you have made the decision now and he needs to decide what he wants to do without having an actual tantrum.

It sounds as though the relationship would have been in trouble either way. Either you would have resented him for pushing you into a termination or he will resent you for making him a father again. It sounds as though you have made the right decision for you and I would just keep my distance from him until he calms down a bit and you can attempt to discuss things.

I’m letting him have his time to think it through. He didn’t give me very long to decide but I already knew the second I looked at the test that I wanted the baby, it’s just the way I am I guess, I don’t want him to make a quick decision. I love my little girl more than anything and I know that I will love this baby just as much, I guess I’m hoping he will calm down and decide he does want the baby and he does want to be a part of this family, but If he doesn’t I don’t doubt my ability to be a single mum, and I don’t doubt our ability to co parent successfully xx thank you everyone for your advice x

Well done OP for sticking to what you feel is best for you. And I applaud you knowing you feel strong enough to go it alone if needs be.

I got pregnant twice on the pill (now have implant, maybe look at that when the time is right - I've not had another baby for 13years now lol).

My dh wanted me to terminate the 2nd but like you I said no, I just couldn't. He "clattered" around for a bit, he had the choice to stay or go. He stayed and loves both dc and is a great dad. He took time to come round, I think sometimes dads can feel more disconnected than mums and like it's not quite happening because it's not literally happening to them. But you've made your choice. I would suggest just carry on as normal as possible and leave him to it if you have the patience for that, and when you have the first scan, ask him to come, that will make it more "real" for him and probably be the point he really realises he needs to make a decision and tell you about it. But maybe I'm too soft?

The resentment statement would hurt though. I would hope he will apologise for that and say it was heat of the moment shock. Truth is, there is NO "right time" for a baby. You just deal with it.